Haven't met him yet but he is already suffocating me

[NYCA]

OK so I have been corresponding with a guy on a dating website for about a couple of weeks now. He seems really nice and we seem to have a lot in common. Unlike the guys I've met through a website, this guy is very attentive, texting me, emailing and calling me. The problem is that we have not yet met and I am beginning to have doubts about wanting to do it because I feel he is being too much of an eager beaver. I don't want to tell him to back-off and in the process hurt his feelings but it is really starting to trouble me that maybe there is something wrong with him. I mean we haven't met in person yet and he says that he is really glad we have "met" and that he wants to drop his online account because he said he is receiving emails and doesn't want to respond to them. He mentions that he is very excited to meet me in person and while all the attention and everything is nice, I just feel like it's too much. Two of my close friends think that I am overreacting and that I should just be happy that for once in my life I am not having to chase after a guy. I mean it's not as if he is writing psycho kind of texts or emails. He just writes me texts of what is going on in his day and everything. It's just the amount of texts, emails and wanting to call me that is kind of psycho in my opinion. HELP! Anybody have any advice? Am I being silly?

[grace2005]

Sounds to me that he does not know the formula of playing hard to get. I've met girls from a dating service. I would only initiate contact with them by phone, e-mail, text messaging every 7-8 days. Sounds to me like he's obsessed. Personally I think the women should do more chasing for awhile. Why should the guys have to do all the chasing?

[targetbag]

Er...yeah, that seems a bit much. I used to use online dating services too, and I'd be freaked if I guy I hadn't even met yet was acting that way. That much attention, even if he seems nice, sends up all kindsa red flags over here. I mean...lots of times with guys like that things will either a)crash and burn or b)the guy will end up being a possessive jerk.

I could be wrong, he could just be a desperado like grace described. In any case, if you want to meet him, meet him, just proceed with caution.

[NYCA]

Thanks for your responses. By the way, I forgot to mention that I would be the first online date he's ever had. I don't know if that makes a difference. That and the fact that he hasn't made any comments about wanting to boil my pet rabbit yet. He is a nice guy and I am surprised that my best friend and my other good friend STILL don't think he's acting like a wet diaper. One of them said that the worst that could happen is that there is no attraction and there is one date and that's it. I am concerned that by his behavior exhibited thus far that he would be the kind of person to stalk me if things didn't work out.

[grace2005]

Thanks for your responses. By the way, I forgot to mention that I would be the first online date he's ever had. I don't know if that makes a difference. That and the fact that he hasn't made any comments about wanting to boil my pet rabbit yet. He is a nice guy and I am surprised that my best friend and my other good friend STILL don't think he's acting like a wet diaper. One of them said that the worst that could happen is that there is no attraction and there is one date and that's it. I am concerned that by his behavior exhibited thus far that he would be the kind of person to stalk me if things didn't work out.

 

 

You would be the first online date? I wonder why. There is a reason for it obviously.

 

He's the typical example of why nice guys finish last. It's not the niceness that turns women off but rather the smothering that is disguised as niceness is why nice guys finish last. He's trying too hard.

 

If you are worried he may stalk you if things don't work out then I wouldn't even arrange to meet him.

 

I've been reading alot of articles as well as different threads on why nice guys finish last. I read something dreamguy said about how nice guys tend to suffocate their women by calling everyday sometimes 2 or more times per day, always sharing their feelings toward their women, saying "i love you" several times a day, always apologizing even when they have done nothing wrong. You are not even dating this guy and that's worse.

 

I guess the same can be said about nice women finishing last. Gosh if a woman I had only corresponded with on the net acted that way I would be scared to death.

[sparticuss]

OK so I have been corresponding with a guy on a dating website for about a couple of weeks now. He seems really nice and we seem to have a lot in common. Unlike the guys I've met through a website, this guy is very attentive, texting me, emailing and calling me. The problem is that we have not yet met and I am beginning to have doubts about wanting to do it because I feel he is being too much of an eager beaver. I don't want to tell him to back-off and in the process hurt his feelings but it is really starting to trouble me that maybe there is something wrong with him. I mean we haven't met in person yet and he says that he is really glad we have "met" and that he wants to drop his online account because he said he is receiving emails and doesn't want to respond to them. He mentions that he is very excited to meet me in person and while all the attention and everything is nice, I just feel like it's too much. Two of my close friends think that I am overreacting and that I should just be happy that for once in my life I am not having to chase after a guy. I mean it's not as if he is writing psycho kind of texts or emails. He just writes me texts of what is going on in his day and everything. It's just the amount of texts, emails and wanting to call me that is kind of psycho in my opinion. HELP! Anybody have any advice? Am I being silly?

 

You are bieng both silly, shallow and totally unappreciative.

 

Somewhere in these boards is a story about a owman sho dumped a guy after a first date because he wore his seat belt and she happened to regard that as "soo childish", another who suddenly refused to go out when he turned up on a date wearinga plaited belt , which is supposed to be out of fashion these days.

 

NO NO NO NO. This "smothering" excuse is just another demonstratoin of just how shallow some women really are and how that shallow behaviour is wreacking their relatinships.

 

THESE are the real reasons to break off with a guy.

 

- He beats you up badly enough to put you in hospital.

- He tries to rape your children.

- He tries to incriminate you in a serious crime which he has committed.

 

Got the idea?. Wake up girl. You got a good man there. Be grateful and show some appreciation.

[erika2610]

You are bieng both silly, shallow and totally unappreciative.

 

Somewhere in these boards is a story about a owman sho dumped a guy after a first date because he wore his seat belt and she happened to regard that as "soo childish", another who suddenly refused to go out when he turned up on a date wearinga plaited belt , which is supposed to be out of fashion these days.

 

NO NO NO NO. This "smothering" excuse is just another demonstratoin of just how shallow some women really are and how that shallow behaviour is wreacking their relatinships.

 

THESE are the real reasons to break off with a guy.

 

- He beats you up badly enough to put you in hospital.

- He tries to rape your children.

- He tries to incriminate you in a serious crime which he has committed.

 

Got the idea?. Wake up girl. You got a good man there. Be grateful and show some appreciation.

 

How is this shallow? She feels smothered.. as she should. And these days, you have to be very careful when meeting people on the internet. NYCA, if you have any doubts, just don't go. You do have to be very careful nowadays.

[pippen_2k]

Ive never done the online dating thing, but it seems like hes taken a genuine interest in you....

 

I suppose since you guys have never met, both would have no idea how to act around each other, so id cut this dude some slack. Im sure he dosent know hes contacting you too much, and im sure you have gave him no indication that he is either.

 

Go with your friends advice and at least meet the guy. You joined the online dating service too, so I dont know what expectations you have.

 

If he stalks ya, call the cops

[Gold Pile]

Bail out.

 

Or politely reject him. ("Going to give my ex another shot") see if he handles it well. If he does handle it well (no stalking, calls) then you can look him up later saying the ex was a mistake...or even tell him it was a test he passed.

[Walk]

THESE are the real reasons to break off with a guy.

 

- He beats you up badly enough to put you in hospital.

- He tries to rape your children.

- He tries to incriminate you in a serious crime which he has committed.

 

Got the idea?. Wake up girl. You got a good man there. Be grateful and show some appreciation.

 

sparticuss... why don't you take another look at the world, and the way relationships work, without all the animosity? You're not even discussing the real world in the above statement.

[Walk]

I wouldn't meet this guy. He may be the nicest, sweetiest man on the face of the earth, but the fact that your warning bells are going off is a good indication that he's not right for you. Listen to your gut. Instincts are nearly always right.

 

As for your friends opinion, they may feel that you need to get out and date more guys. Maybe they think you're just getting cold feet, or are scared, so they are pushing you to meet him. But you're the one who will have to deal with a person who is already smothering you, not them. Don't let your friends dictate who you should/shouldn't date. They don't have to suffer the repercussions. You do.

 

And it's not your job, or responsibility to point out to him that he's being overly needy, jealous, or co-dependent. What I'm saying is, don't go out with him because you feel guilty that he doesn't know how to date/attract women. That's a problem he has to figure out, you can't do it for him.

[Art_Critic]

He seems really nice and we seem to have a lot in common.

 

He mentions that he is very excited to meet me in person

 

I mean it's not as if he is writing psycho kind of texts or emails. He just writes me texts of what is going on in his day and everything. It's just the amount of texts, emails and wanting to call me that is kind of psycho in my opinion.

 

Nothing wrong with being attentive.. You say he is new to online dating....

 

This is one of the reasons you meet sooner than later..

 

You need to at least meet him.. I have had online relationships that started off like yours and went fine.

 

Meet him.. then use your gut instinct..

If you feel he is still coming on too strong then tell him..

Talk to your guy.. try not to think that he can read your mind

[Sevenmack]

Art_Critic is right in suggesting you talk to the guy. He needs to chill and let things simmer -- and he may not know exactly where you stand. If he doesn't chill after that, kick him to the curb.

[bluechocolate]

Just from the little you've written I would be wary of someone like this. This guy has already turned this into an exclusive relationship & you haven't even met!

 

I mean we haven't met in person yet and he says that he is really glad we have "met" and that he wants to drop his online account because he said he is receiving emails and doesn't want to respond to them.

 

In my experience relationships that start fast and furious, like the one currently going on in this guys mind, generally end that way.

[JayKay]

I don't think she's being shallow at all.

 

When you gut churns uncomfortably, it's because someone's behavior has crossed certain boundaries.

 

Look, the guy is insinuating that he doesn't want to look at anyone else's e-mails. So for all intents and purposes, he is being 'faithful' to the OP and probably assumes she is doing the same.

 

Now I'm not implying he's a psycho or anything. Likely, he's just lonely. But there is a progression to dating and he's several steps ahead of himself.

 

Nobody likes to be rushed. I certainly wouldn't want to have to live up to unrealistic expectations or fantasies so early on, nor do I want to feel as if I'm dashing someone's hopes and dreams if, after one date, I don't want to take things further.

 

I'm not saying OP shouldn't meet him for one date. He may just be a little socially awkward, but be a perfectly nice guy. However, smothering behaviors can very quickly escalate and if continues to press for too much too fast she should listen to her gut and back out.

[NYCA]

Thanks everyone!!! All your comments have been very helpful. Of course I am going to do the right thing and from everyone's advice and my own insight, I will decide what to do. I definitely do think that part of the reason why this guy is freaking me out so much is that I am NOT used to any guy giving me this much attention. ESPECIALLY not one that I haven't met yet. Maybe he's nervous because it is his first time using an online dating service and that I am his first date. I think back to when I was supposed to have my first date and I chickened out the first time. I thought the guy was strange over the phone and had a bad vibe about him so I just cancelled the date. Anyway I think I will just give the guy a chance and if he turns out to be a freak of nature, I will do what pippen_2k suggested and call the cops! On the plus side, it's been a full 24 hours and I haven't heard a peep out of him. That's definitely a first! Maybe his brothers talked some sense into him and told him that he hasn't even met me yet and needs to cool his jets. We'll find out if I am speaking too soon! It's only 12:30 East Coast time afterall. . . .

[SmallWonder]

I agree that he is being overly eager, and I understand how you would be weirded out. I am corresponding with someone online, and this is how it works:

 

He emails me once. I email him back. Once. Then he emails me back. Once.

I get one, nice long email a day. He gets one, nice long email a day. It's exciting and the anticipation is fun.

 

It's been two weeks and we haven't spoken yet on the phone, but we would like to meet. I have arranged to get tickets to a NBA Basketball game - Meet there, it's a very public place, tons of people, high energy date. We can watch the game if we're not into each other, or talk if we are. Not a lot of pressure. We can go for a drink afterwards, or I can go home in my own car without it being weird.

 

I personally would be weirded out by all the attention from someone I haven't met face-to-face, but that's just me.

 

Like someone else here said: "You can't be too careful."

 

Put off meeting until your're 100% comfortable. And here's what I would do:

 

Tell the guy you're feeling a little hesitant from all the attention. It's scary becasue it's a new experience for you! His reaction to the news will be EXTREMELY telling, don't you agree? If he wigs out or gets pissed and defensive - see ya buddy. If he backs off and cools his heels a bit but still correspondes with you, great. He's still in the ballgame.

 

More importantly - TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!!

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to go out with him once. Until you meet face to face, don't assume anything with this guy. You may not click in reality or maybe there will be great chemistry! But if you don't go you may regret it.

 

If you still feel he's closing in on you, calling and emailing too much then tell him it's too much too soon. Missing someone is good and being in daily contact so many times a day isn't what you're used to.

 

Good luck though!

[Its Not A Tumaaa]

What's so psycho about a guy being nice and giving attention to you? Jesus, some people have major issues. You claim you had to "chase" aft6er guys and finally when you're getting a lot of attention, when you're special and important to somebody, you want to take it for granted. You know, I hope this guy realizes what he's getting into. You don't deserve him.

[MH66]

Just from the little you've written I would be wary of someone like this. This guy has already turned this into an exclusive relationship & you haven't even met!

 

I mean we haven't met in person yet and he says that he is really glad we have "met" and that he wants to drop his online account because he said he is receiving emails and doesn't want to respond to them.

 

In my experience relationships that start fast and furious, like the one currently going on in this guys mind, generally end that way.

 

 

I think BlueChocolate has a good point. fast and furious starts sometimes do lead to fast and furious endings

Requesting/suggesting exclusivity so early on is a cause for concern.

Does he say/write/text that he loves you? Does he say you are THE ONE or says he's thinking you are?

 

It probably couldn't hurt to meet him somewhere for a coffee or a drink. (Note: I said "a" drink--you need to keep your wits about you) Maybe have some of your friends "just happen to run into you" while you're on your first meeting. Have an out. Keep it short and sweet and go your separate ways. If your gut is telling you something's not right, then tell him you're just not that interested.

 

Keep in mind, getting swept off your feet usually happens when the other party has been busy sweeping crap under the rug.

[JayKay]

"What's so psycho about a guy being nice and giving attention to you? Jesus, some people have major issues. You claim you had to "chase" aft6er guys and finally when you're getting a lot of attention, when you're special and important to somebody, you want to take it for granted. You know, I hope this guy realizes what he's getting into. You don't deserve him."

 

 

 

Hmmm, sounds like maybe YOU have issues, poster

 

 

She's not complaining about him being attentive. She's feeling uncomfortable because he's rushing her.

 

Big difference.

[Art_Critic]

what is wrong with communication ? Aren't relationships nothing but communication ?

 

The OP hasn't posted about him being a stalker of any weird thing.. She just said that he is pushing her..

It is her boundary not his.. So she has to explain to him where her boundaries lie.

A person cannot be expected to read someones mind..

She needs to just talk to the guy..

[Walk]

The OP hasn't posted about him being a stalker of any weird thing.. She just said that he is pushing her..

It is her boundary not his.. So she has to explain to him where her boundaries lie.

A person cannot be expected to read someones mind..

She needs to just talk to the guy..

 

AC, I fully agree that communication is key, but when a woman starts giving out advice on how a stranger should behave then she's potentially giving him a key to how to manipulate her. I'm not saying every guy would, or that this guy would, but there are some massively creepy men out there who have no problems lying, or manipulating, their way into a relationship only to begin emotionally/physically abusing a woman.

 

Online dating to me is extremely scary. I think it's because I know if I get caught in a situation (outside in the parking lot after dinner..) where he could over power me, then I'm dead. If I start getting warning signs that a guy isn't "normal", or crosses my boundaries, then I bail. I don't want to ignore these warnings and find myself in a potentially deadly situation.

 

Not saying she shouldn't talk with him, just that there may be more reason for concern when it's a woman saying he's over stepping her boundaries. Most men aren't as concerned about whether a woman is going to rape and kill them after a date.

[Lifestream]

There's just too many variables you can't possibly understand from reading what a person is typing. That's like saying I read Catcher in the Rye and now I'm friends with J.D. Salinger. It's just impossible to read someone online. Example: No one knows without significant doubt what I'm doing right now other than typing. No one knows how I carry myself, how I use body language etc. All these things are etched in our minds and tell us how to react to a person. If you cant see someone's body signals before you approach them, I think it's a very dangerous idea. I mean, I'm hiding behind and alias for crying out loud. And I happen do be a much better writer than speaker because I have that ability and time to think about what I want to say perfectly.

 

I'd say be VERY weary of this person. It's bad enough for a person you know and love to obsess, but much, MUCH worse when you haven't physically met this person.

But as Walk said, set boundaries and rules and things like that and see if he sticks around. It will be interesting to see how these things pan out.

[NYCA]

I'm going to be careful with this guy. He's ok, he seems to be backing off a bit since I have been spacing out texts. I've been making sure to not respond for awhile when he has texted me. I think there are a couple of people who have misunderstood me. I just don't think it's normal to be bombarded with TOO much communication before meeting a person face to face. I'm not one of those people who is never satisfied with things in life either. But there is a point where there is too much of something. I mean, for cryin' out loud, I don't even like to talk to my friends 5x a day let alone a stranger!

 

As with anything there are chances no matter what decision you make. If I were to have met this guy at a bar, the chances of him being a pyscho are just as likely. I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt. I live in a big city and if he starts acting freaky, there are plenty of people around to hear me scream! Just kidding.