pippen_2k Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Sorry if this is at someones expense, but ive enjoyed reading this thread! Keep up the good work!
Lorelei Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Definitely not her loss in my opinion. Porn isn't going to sit beside you when you are 80 and you need help wiping you ass because you can't do it yourself. But IMO I think she was looking for an excuse to be out of it and didn't want to do the dirty work. Kudos for you in being upfront with her though - but it seems by posting about this, all you want is some backslapping and people telling you that you did the right thing? Well that is the impression I get from your post. If you are so sure about your position, why bother asking for the opinion of others? :confused:
Outcast Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Porn isn't going to sit beside you when you are 80 and you need help wiping you ass because you can't do it yourself Nor will Brad Pitt or the plumber on Desperate Housewives but your bf doesn't shut the TV off lest you look, I'm guessing.
Fun2BMe Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 That's sad you dumped her over porn. Maybe you like porn more than her. You didn't want to sacrifice anything on your end, such as suggesting you watch porn when she's not there or limit it or some kind of effort. You only told her to take it or hit the road and steered her in the direction of "choosing" to leave, when in fact you made the decision for her. Good luck finding a desent self respecting girl to put up with that type of behavior and attitude. 1
pippen_2k Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 This thread is a true case of Female Vs Male All the females are on one side of the room, and all the guys on the other... Im stayin out of this one ... lol
Sevenmack Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 The problem here is not AverageJoe's porn watching, which is normal and healthy and done by most healthy human beings -- including women in the form of trashy romance novels. Nor is there a problem of lying because Joe was upfront with her. This isn't a women versus men thing either. All of my ex-girlfriends enjoyed porn; so does the girl I'm currently seeing. Take a trip to a strip club and you will find a woman going to the VIP room with a stripper to enjoy a few lapdances. Or talk to a Chippendales dancer; he can tell you that women enjoy porn and sex-related activity as heartily as any man. The problem is with the girl. While there is no such thing as unconditional love, there are reasonable and unreasonable conditions. Expecting Joe to not cheat on her would be a reasonable condition. So would asking him to at least dress nicely and keeping himself well-groomed. But her demand was none of that. She wanted him to simply give up his sexual urges and his right to satisfy them in a way that did not involve cheating because she wanted to control him. She is controlling and her efforts to reduce him from an individual to her personal android would have not stopped at porn. Sooner or later, she would have asked him to drop certain friends of his because they didn't meet her standards; chances are she would have also demanded of him everything but his left nutsack -- and that's only because she can't cut it off without killing him. Her other problem? Snooping. One of the main rules of every relationship is that each person should treat the other with respect. If you're curious about someone's activities while in the relationship -- not past sex partners and the like unless there are kids involved -- you have a right to ask and they should be mature enough to answer. Snooping around a lover's belongings, however, is not a sign of respect. Not only was she was being nosy -- considering they aren't married, she has no right to be -- she displayed a lack of respect for Joe that would have not led to a sustainable relationship. Lovers who aren't married aren't allowed to snoop around. Period. Then she has an issue with sex. Some of those issues simply go back to her control issue; it is also evolutionary because women, competing for a scarce resource (men) can be hostile to anything (porn) or anyone (other women) that takes away what she values most in the resource -- time and money. But education -- and the realization that most men, while enjoying porn, will never spend more time with it than with a real woman -- should have dealt with that issue a long time ago. So her problems go back to control and sex. This girl -- and supporters such as Jen-Jen Heartbroken -- haven't developed a healthy respect for sex and porn. That is porn, like exercise, can serve as a release of sexual tension during periods of time when a girlfriend isn't always available. It can also serve as an aid for couples to spice up what can at times be predictable sex. Until she -- and they -- cure theirown, to use a Sixties term, hang-ups, they will always resent porn when in fact, they should actually consider it an aid in a healthy relationship. Ending the relationship was a smart move on Joe's part; most men would have let the control and other issues fester. He needs a healthy lover, not a control freak. She on the other hand, needs to go to a therapist, learn to show respect to those with whom she has relationships (I can imagine this is a problem in every form of relationship she has had) and pick up some sex books. And some good softcore porn and romance novels; she's probably 'backed up' in too many ways.
Outcast Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 All the females are on one side of the room, and all the guys on the other. Not true. And it's sad that most of the females who have voiced an opinion don't seem to have any problem with the brand new gf snooping around in the bf's possessions. Had it been a guy snooping in a gf's stuff, they'd be up in a right rage.
ashley83 Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 So, im supposed to be the one to change, not her? Like me for who I am, or dont. Its simple. I have been in relationships where it was mutual fun. Keep it quiet? Why in the world would I do that? That is disaster from the start. Outcast nailed it. It wouldnt have worked. Oh please. You didn't like her to begin with.
Outcast Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Oh please. You didn't like her to begin with. Please explain why it's ok to go snooping around someone's private possessions when you don't even know each other. I'm dying to know.
confusedgeek Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Hmmm. She was in the closet and finds a porn dvd and starts questioning him about it. It seems like the classic 1-2 knock out punch. 1) she snoops around the closet. snoop might be too hard of a word. She accidently finds a dvd. 2) it turns out to be porn. He said he told her before that he watches porn. It's sad its a relationship killer, it shouldnt be. This is a topic I might have to face later. But at the end of the conversation, she did say she'll talk to him later. So, she might be willing to work it out.
Author AverageJoe Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 As for the issue of her being in my closet. I am not sure why she was, I didnt bother to ask because at that point it wasnt relavant. That was my first red flag. Could I have addressed the issue with her? Sure I could have, but keep in mind this all happend rather quickly. It was no longer an issue after she brought up the subject of seeing the dvd. It wasnt in a box or anything, I had it sitting on a shelf, its a walk in closet. Not something I would just keep around in the living room, I do have respect for my company when they visit. As for the person that said I posted just for a pat on the back. That isnt the case at all. This is a forum, and I felt it was a good medium for feedback as there are many knowledgable members here to share their opinions. I havent talked to her since the encounter. Some of you have mentioned maybe working it out. Well, I have considered it but she made it clear her stance on the situation. Even if we were to come to an agreement of some sort, I know that it would be a stigma with her from that point out. That would not be fair to her, or myself. The question was somewhat posed from a poster that insinuated I would choose porn over my girl. To be honest, the porn was only the beginning of future issues I would probably have endured. For instance I have a passion for music. I used to play in a band years ago, and I enjoy music immensely. Had she asked me to give up my style of music just because she disagreed with it, the outcome would have been the same. So I think I made the right decision to just cut things loose, because in the long run it would have been much worse.
HokeyReligions Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Sounds like the right decision for both of you. I am 100% anti-porn. My husband knew that from the start and he chose me over porn and has never regretted it. Porn wasn't that important to him. We are compatible in that area. Porn is a deal-breaker for me too. You were honest about your porn and she was honest about her not dealing with it. I don't think that is immature or insecure at all. I think porn is disgusting and not because I am in any way threatened by it.
mymojo Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Nor will Brad Pitt or the plumber on Desperate Housewives but your bf doesn't shut the TV off lest you look, I'm guessing. Tell me again, in what episode does the plumber get DP'd ? mainstream tv and hardcore are 2 different things, besides you gentlemen also get plenty of eyecandy on the tv. Personally I think the OP's girlfriend and he made the right choice to end things.Far better than to end up divorcing over the issue as I am.
Outcast Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 With all due respect, Hokey, I'd not be rushing to emulate a sexless marriage. I'm thinking that the lack of porn didn't help this situation at all. Which is why I'd look askance at any guy claiming he doesn't want to look at nude women. The last guy I know who said that turned out to be gay.
Author AverageJoe Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 With all due respect, Hokey, I'd not be rushing to emulate a sexless marriage. I'm thinking that the lack of porn didn't help this situation at all. Which is why I'd look askance at any guy claiming he doesn't want to look at nude women. The last guy I know who said that turned out to be gay. Doh!!
clandestinidad Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Before I read everyone elses posts, I had to point this out: YOU were the one who immediately went to the 'well then you have a choice to make'. You didnt leave room for discussion or explanation. You didnt tell her that it was old and you havent watched it in a long time (even if you had), or that its just something visual to help you when you masturbate (in addition to your part about how you dont think about being with that person), etc etc She was stunned and upset, and you immediately basically told her well, its that or nothing! If you liked this person so much, why would you do that? My guess is that you didnt really like her that much, b/c you would have put in more effort rather than handling it how you did. in fact you made the decision for her Anyway, enjoy your porn and maybe next time your immediate defense about it wont be to shut the person out like that edit to add: I agree that its for the best, since she's so anti-porn and it would cause tremendous trust issues for you 2. I just wanted to point out how you handled it by basically telling her it was over. Anyway, good luck w/ everything!!!
johan Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Kat, you make good points. I think AverageJoe's response was extreme.
travellingman Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 My husband knew that from the start and he chose me over porn and has never regretted it. A guy will agree to anything after he's spent the last 20 years being rejected by women.
Outcast Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I know someone who is forever saying she 'can't deal' with things. It's shorthand for 'up with this I refuse to put'. The things she claims she 'can't deal with' are ridiculous - example: she 'couldn't deal' with packing her wineglass and drinking wine out of a china mug for one night while she was packing to move. When I hear that someone 'can't deal' with insignificant things, I'm hearing 'major drama queen' and I'm not interested in dealing with them.
johan Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 A guy will agree to anything after he's spent the last 20 years being rejected by women. I consider this a disrespectful statement.
Outcast Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 But the fact is, Johan, that Hokey's husband has zero interest in sex. This is not what I would call an example to emulate nor a healthy relationship. It works for them, fine. IMHO if it looks dysfunctional but suits both people, good for them. But it's not a model I'd aspire to.
ashley83 Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 How would you know whether or not her husband has an interest in sex? Maybe he has the real thing and doesn't need porn.
johan Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 But the fact is, Johan, that Hokey's husband has zero interest in sex. I don't understand the relevance. Are you saying she's not qualified to post on this thread?
clandestinidad Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 whoa, outcast...you might be crossing a line there. what youre saying is verrry similar to people talking badly about your mother, father, sister, brother, grandmother, etc.....IMO the only person who can talk badly about Hokey's husband is HER. And I dont think its a good idea to discuss how dysfunctional you think their relationship is either. If she doesnt mind, thats fine....I just hope you dont ever do it to me
johan Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 But the fact is, Johan, that Hokey's husband has zero interest in sex. This is not what I would call an example to emulate nor a healthy relationship. It works for them, fine. IMHO if it looks dysfunctional but suits both people, good for them. But it's not a model I'd aspire to. If I was Hokey, I'd find you and kick your ass for that. Who are you to judge dysfunctional? Who asked you to label her marriage as a crappy model? Describe your marriage please, so we can all understand what model it is we should be going for.
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