pot and my relationship

[targetbag]

I'm new and I wasn't sure whether to post this in the drug use or relationship section, but I chose here, and hope that's okay

Here's my situation. I have been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, and we've totally fallen for one another. I'm 27 and he is 29. He's the first guy I've dated who I feel totally comfortable being myself with. He's smart, funny, attentive, kind, thoughtful, and a good listener. We have very similar "core" beliefs/values, and we always have fun together. He has a masters degree and recently started a business that he enjoys and that is reasonably successful. The problem is that he smokes pot about once a day. He outright told me this a couple months ago even though I didn't suspect anything, because he didn't feel comfortable hiding it from me. I'm a social drinker and see no harm in a little harmless recreational pot use (though I personally never smoke), but daily seems excessive to me and I told him so. Our final agreement was that, since I agreed with him that it wasn't affecting our relationship at that point, as long as he kept it away from me, it would be a non-issue.

Well, a few nights ago we had plans to go to a movie with a couple he's friends with. I met them over at his place, and he smelled like pot when he opened the door for me. He knew I was mad and surprised I could tell he'd just smoked (Hello? Duh!) but we waited to discuss it until after the movie was over and his friends had gone home. It upset him that I was so upset, and he said that he is going to quit, and that he will not smoke at all in January. I didn't give him an ultimatum, by the way, all I said was that I wanted us to be happy and that I was afraid his habit was going to get in the way of that. I told him not to quit to make me happy, that if he was going to quit it needed to be to make himself happy. His response was that, anything that makes me happy, makes him happy too, that he thinks his time as a bachelor is coming to a close and that it's time for him to "grow up." While this sentiment is sweet, it scares me. I'm afraid he's going to end up either not wanting or not being able to quit as he's been doing this for probably at least 10 years now. I'm afraid it's going to lead to resentment in our relationship, because it'll turn into "you're making me quit." Honestly, I'd rather have him smoking pot once a day than resenting me. I love this man and want a future with him, and the feeling is mutual. The pot smoking makes me uncomfortable, but in some ways I feel like I'm overreacting and that it's not such a hefty price to pay for everything else he provides for me. Any advice?

[mattea]

Maybe it would help to get some more clarity about where you both are coming from.

 

First, what are your concerns about him smoking daily? What scares you about it? I know you said it seems excessive, and I don't disagree. Are you concerned for his physical or mental health? Are you worried that you won't enjoy being around him when he's stoned? In what way do you worry his smoking will affect your happiness, his happiness or your happiness as a couple? It sounds like you really don't want to be controlling at all. Do you think any of your wanting him to quit is about control?

 

On his end, he says he needs to "grow up". Can he tell you more specifically what his personal reasons are for wanting to quit (besides that you would prefer him to quit or smoke less)? Does he worry about his own health or think it would somehow improve his life to quit? Maybe you've just helped him to think a little more consciously about how it's effecting him and you and now he honestly wants to quit. If he tells you that, can you try to believe that he's capable of making his own decisions and isn't just trying to appease you?

[targetbag]

Thanks for your response, Mattea. What exactly are my concerns about him smoking daily? Well, my first impulse is that if he's getting stoned every day, he's not experiencing the full gamut of the "real world"/his emotions. I'm afraid that, either consciously or otherwise, he's doing it to mask feelings he doesn't want to deal with. I'm concerned that daily use signifies a psychological dependency that will make quitting near impossible. I'm afraid he's in denial about that and that there will be nothing I can do to help. As I would like a long term and committed relationship with him, I'm worried about long-term health effects as well. I also want a family, and I don't think daily pot use is a good example for children. Plus, my best friend's husband is a very heavy pot user, who is literally stoned ALL THE TIME and their relationship is crap. Even though Kevin's use isn't THAT excessive, I guess I'm still worried about ending up like my friend.

You're right, I am not a controlling person and I don't want to be controlling in this situation. It's not for me to tell an adult what to do or not do with their life. I've found that when I've tried to do that, it's caused more harm than good, and the last thing I want is for this relationship to go south.

In response to your last question, from everything he's said to me it sounds like the main reason he wants to quit is for our "us". I mean, he has got to be aware of what it's doing to his physical and emotional well-being...I want that to be as much of a motivator as doing it for our relationship is. I guess another conversation about it is in order (SOOOO awkward, but necessary if this is gonna work out). Thanks for your advice

[sunshine55]

Wow, targetbag, I couldn't believe my eyes when I read your post...!! I am in a situation which is almost identical to yours, and I can hardly believe my luck that I finally can get some outside advice and thoughts on how to deal with the issue. My long-term boyfriend is a pot smoker also. I am not. He smokes almost daily, and I can most definitely tell when he's had a few hits. His eyes become bloodshot, he gets very talkative, his sentences are a little slurred... in general, he behaves quite goofy and drowsy. I am unable to have any kind of real conversation with him, I keep my distance because the odor about him and on his breath is weird and musty and turns me off, plus his sexual performance isn't quite as stimulating when he is in this state.

 

I have no problem with smoking pot in a social situation, ie at a party, having people over for a visit, etc. I enjoy a rum & coke once in a while and don't feel that ganja is any worse than an alcoholic beverage.... in moderation. I do not wish to control him or have him change something he has been doing for 20 years. However, I have never dated anyone who smokes even regular cigarettes... my opinion is that smoking of any kind is a nasty habit. I often wonder, as you mentioned, if he does it because he is avoiding real life. He can't explain it to me, he just says he enjoys the spaced-out feeling and it relaxes him. He'll smoke at 9 o'clock in the morning even. Ugh.

 

Anyhow, on many occasions, I have asked that if he isn't willing to save it for poker night with the boys, or an evening watching a hockey game, could he at least not smoke when I'm around? I don't find him entertaining at all when he is stoned. Do you think this is too much to ask? Each time this issue arises, he is all apologetic and says yes, yes, he's going to cut back, he knows it isn't great for his lungs (he is an awesome athlete), it is expensive, he understands where I'm coming from (I've asked him if he would find it attractive or be concerned if I drank enough vodka on a daily basis to get me buzzed... he doesn't think it is the same thing).

 

So, now I'll have to give him the benefit of the doubt again I guess, and hope that he finally learns to respect my feelings about this subject and chooses to modify his habit. Am I out of line? I love him tremendously, and most everything else about our relationship is great. Please advise.

[Nicholas]

Any advice?

 

I think you're right on target with being afraid of that shadow resentment. Regardless of the debate over the addictive properties of cannabis, it's quite a lifestyle change to go from daily smoking to cold turkey.

 

My only advice is for you to be as supportive as possible, so he doesn't feel that he has to secretly smoke in the shower or something. You want to help him quit if that's what he really wants, and only in that case. You seem really rational about the entire thing, so good for you. Hopefully he can be as adult as you're being about it.

[Lifestream]

There's nothing more pathetic than an excessive pot smoker at 60 years of age. I know this because my father still does it and it tears me up inside. I've heard stories of him saying he would quit when he had kids. Surprise, surprise. I am 18 and he still hasn't stopped. I am ashamed of him. It is very hard knowing that he has more time and puts in more effort towards his filthy habit then is my own personal development. He tries to make amends every now and then, but I just cannot go through with it until he kicks his habit. I don't remember the last time we TRULY bonded outside of a forced situation like if I'm in the car with him or something.

It is a habit that is up there with alcoholism and if I use my father as a litmus test, it doesn't get any better with age. It's not right to put an ultimatum for quitters. I know it's tough (and some may say impossible) but a pot smoker has to be put into a position where it isn't about fighting the craving, but where the craving ceases to exist. Where one goes through treatment so the user acknowledges it as a habit and no longer desires it...

 

Still, take it from a child who grew (and is still growing) up with a pot smoking father. If children are going to get involved, it is one of the most difficult situations a child can go through.

[Nicholas]

Not that it matters, because it's not really relevant to the thread, but I'd like to say that plenty of responsible parents smoke pot every day with zero effect on the development of the child.

 

I'm sorry you went through that with your father, but it sounds like the creator of this thread isn't in the same situation.

[Lifestream]

Not in the same situation now, but think about this for a second. It sounds like she wants to make the relationship work. If she allows him to continue his habit and throws away her position against the habit then she won't have insecurity about it. No insecurity = no reason to end the relationship. I'm talking about a few years down the road and ramifications that may take place if his habit and relationship are to continue. Therefore I believe it is completely relevant. Why not think long term? It could influence her course of action.

 

And I have to disagree with you. If a parent is constantly aggressive, it will affect the child. If a parent has depression, it will affect the child. If a parent has a chronic habit, it will affect the child. There are no if, ands or buts about it. True, a child can take it one way or the other, but unless a child is very well adjusted, it's very hard not for one to polarize things, in fact I still do with some issues and although I usually try my best to see many different viewpoints on a subject, some issues are clearcut for me.

 

Having a chronic habit does not make you a responsible parent. It's not always about damaging the child, but even damaging yourself is irresponsible. However, I digress. Let's get back on topic.

 

Advice? Well, I would say you really have to talk to him and be firm. Most cannot kick a habit without any outside influence or support. If he really wants this to be long-term you have to play the "future" card. If he contemplates long and hard about it, he may not want to be the same person in the future. I don't necessarily see his "growing up" comment as a bad one. It's just becoming a more adjusted, more responsible individual. As long as he can smoke recreationally from time to time such as parties then I believe that's just fine. It becomes a problem when it is chronic.

[portableversion]

end of message.

[clandestinidad]

I dont think he'll resent you for quitting. Apparently HE was the one who said he would, said that he needs to grow up, etc...and if he said that on his own without you pushing him into it, then theres an excellent chance that he truly meant it.

 

You know it will be hard, and that he should be 'allowed' to slip up every now and then until its out of his life for good (if he wants it out for good, that is)

 

I think you know what you should do for him...you sound like a great girlfriend, very patient and understanding...thats what he'll need

[Lifestream]

"Same applies to porn Lifestream." end of message.

 

Your point being?

[SmoochieFace]

Not that it matters, because it's not really relevant to the thread, but I'd like to say that plenty of responsible parents smoke pot every day with zero effect on the development of the child.

 

You just opened up a huge can of worms with that one.

 

Got any evidence to back that one up?

[targetbag]

Guys, thanks for all the advice and support. Since at this point my major commitment is still to the relationship, I'll be sure to keep our lines of communication open so he will feel completely supported by me, and also make sure he's aware of my concerns about the future.

[Nicholas]

I agree, but I don't think all pot-smokers are aggressive or depressed. As for it being a chronic (ha) habit, I don't see how it's any different from people who habitually drink coffee or smoke cigarettes.

 

Having a chronic habit does not make you a responsible parent.

 

I understand how your father may have influenced your viewpoint, but if you're looking for the opposite example, here I am. My parents are good people, and they're good parents. They're not aggressive or abusive. It's inaccurate to say people can't use drugs responsibly.

 

Chronic habits do not neccesarily make one irresponsible, if you can manage your life properly. Are mothers who smoke tobacco bad mothers? How about fathers who need coffee to get up in the morning. Both are chronic habits. Both are harmful.

 

Since at this point my major commitment is still to the relationship, I'll be sure to keep our lines of communication open so he will feel completely supported by me, and also make sure he's aware of my concerns about the future.

 

Have you talked to him since you posted? What's developed?

[targetbag]

^^

I've not yet had another conversation with him about it. I'm so horrible about bringing up the "yucky stuff!" We have plans tomorrow afternoon and evening, and I plan on getting up the gall then, and I'll update you all. Thanks again for your comments and thoughts. I've done a lot of online research on pot use, and it seems that views about it are very polarized...either people think it's the greatest thing that's ever happened, or they think you might as well be smoking crack (okay, that's an exaggeration, but not by much). Another interesting thing I came upon in my research (ahh, how I love the www) is that medicinal marijuana is occasionally used to treat certain kinds of AD/HD. Kevin has previously been diagnosed and medicated (Ritalin) for this. So on some level I wonder if he is self-medicating.

[clandestinidad]

The whole Ritalin concept is very interesting and debatable. Its a strong stimulant, which in children has the opposite effect. In adults, its still a stimulant...and I have hard time agreeing that it relaxes an adult. I've known adults who take it for the 'high'....and if he enjoys being high off other things, I wouldnt interpret it as self-medicating....I'd interpret it as 2 things he turns to in order to get high....just a thought...I might not actually know anything

[targetbag]

Yeah, I've known people who have used Ritalin for the high as adults. I think it might still have the "calming" effect on adults who have ADD though. He's not on Ritalin anymore but he was in college, and was also smoking. I guess another possibility is that he never did have ADD, and the symptoms were BECAUSE of the frequent pot use, as he wasn't diagnosed til college--a couple years after he began smoking. Who knows.

[Lifestream]

I agree, but I don't think all pot-smokers are aggressive or depressed. As for it being a chronic (ha) habit, I don't see how it's any different from people who habitually drink coffee or smoke cigarettes.

 

Having a chronic habit does not make you a responsible parent.

 

I understand how your father may have influenced your viewpoint, but if you're looking for the opposite example, here I am. My parents are good people, and they're good parents. They're not aggressive or abusive. It's inaccurate to say people can't use drugs responsibly.

 

Chronic habits do not neccesarily make one irresponsible, if you can manage your life properly. Are mothers who smoke tobacco bad mothers? How about fathers who need coffee to get up in the morning. Both are chronic habits. Both are harmful.

 

Since at this point my major commitment is still to the relationship, I'll be sure to keep our lines of communication open so he will feel completely supported by me, and also make sure he's aware of my concerns about the future.

 

Have you talked to him since you posted? What's developed?

 

Alright, I will admit I was a bit hasty in my generalization. I understand what you're trying to say. But I'm really speaking about habitual, chronic users. If you NEED to have coffee not just to get out of bed but you drink 4 pots or something, that's an addiction. I'm sure all of us have different guidelines on what can be categorized as addiction, but nonetheless I stand my ground. Drinking 4 pots of coffee does not make you a responsible parent (or person, whatever it doesn't matter.) even if you can manage your life because you are using a stimulant excessively to the point of significant damage.

 

However I think that comparing coffee to marijuana is like comparing apples to oranges. Yes, both are stimulants and both have significant effects on the body and its wellbeing, but pot is known to have negligible effects far greater than coffee.

 

In any addiction you just can't exactly forsee the consequences of the action, but that's exactly why I believe addiction, is addiction, is addiction. The risk of further complications from addiction may not exactly be high, but the consequences could be, and I wouldn't take a chance like that.

 

Sorry to go off on a rant, I just wanted to say what was on my mind

[Israfil]

Yes, both are stimulants and both have significant effects on the body and its wellbeing, but pot is known to have negligible effects far greater than coffee.

 

Pot is NOT a stimulant.

[Lifestream]

Pot is NOT a stimulant.

 

"Reactions to marijuana will vary: it can be a depressant, a stimulant, or a hallucinogen" - uottawa.ca - University of Ottawa.

 

Other interesting tidbits about Marijuana: http://www.uottawa.ca/health/information/addictions-marijuana.html

[d'Arthez]

And I have to disagree with you. If a parent is constantly aggressive, it will affect the child.

Probably true. But what will not affect a child? If it saw images of Live8 this year, can you say with 100% confidence it did not affect the child?

But can you prove that pot or whatever is the cause? Could it be socio-economic circumstances? Could it be the quality of the neighborhood. Could it be that a parent forgot to provide the child with Ritalin? Cause and effect are almost meaningless when making such long term predictions.

 

If a parent has depression, it will affect the child.

Not necessarily. If for for instance the father is depressed and working abroad (on a constant basis), for example. Some of the effects are probably dependent on the parent that suffers from depression. With the mother being depressed being probably a higher risk for the emotional and intellectual well-being of the young child - because she on average is supposed to take care of the child more than the father does in the first few years of the kid's life.

 

If a parent has a chronic habit, it will affect the child. There are no if, ands or buts about it.

It just so happens that a lot of those chronic habits have become socially accepted. People are taught to be selfish (egotistical), as that is the surest way to advance society, and maximize the outcomes for everyone. Yet at the same time selfishness is portrayed as a sin in Christianity (and other religions - and even in the "atheist" media egotism is often portrayed as a bad thing). So whatever people do, it is right and wrong at the same time, according to mainstream society. Now - how to distinguish right from wrong then?

The chronically greedy person is behaving in a way which is accepted by society. And how can you expect that young children see through all that when they are about 2 or 3 years old?

And again, a difference may exist for the sex of the parent, as it probably will exist for depression in a parent.

 

Having a chronic habit does not make you a responsible parent. It's not always about damaging the child, but even damaging yourself is irresponsible. However, I digress.

Perhaps not - but damaging yourself is perfectly allowed under practically any constitution in the world. It's even the reason places like (fill in any dubious fastfood chain) are not closed yet for being a health threat to the general public. Alcoholism in itself is not a crime. But driving under influence is. Being a (drunken) abuser is. Life in a big city like New York or Los Angeles is still not forbidden, despite the lovely air in those cities.

As for chronic habits, people have dozens of them. Drinking coffee, drinking wine. Smoking cigarettes. Eating fish on Friday, for some people. Going to Church on Sundays for others. And who are you (or is anyone else) to decide what is good? And what is bad? And what is chronic? And what is casual?

 

The health effects of drinking two beers a day are probably better than the health effects of drinking two glasses of wine. Does that mean we should ban the drinking of wine (when this becomes more firmly established)? I doubt it.

 

But back to the main topic:

I'm a social drinker and see no harm in a little harmless recreational pot use (though I personally never smoke), but daily seems excessive to me and I told him so. Our final agreement was that, since I agreed with him that it wasn't affecting our relationship at that point, as long as he kept it away from me, it would be a non-issue.

You yourself are a social drinker. So why don't you drink alone somewhere hidden, in order to let noone know of your habit? Of the effects it has on you and your mind? It is no fun to do that - noone to talk with, noone to laugh with et cetera. Drinking is for you a social activity. There is no point for you to do that in a garret or something.

 

Yet at the same time, he is only allowed by that agreement to use pot when you are absent. Why?

Your absence may be a cue for him to think of smoking pot. Not so much on a cognitive level, but on a more physical level (the more basal brain functions).

If he is going to quit, consider that as well. Possibly, because you were never present when he used pot, there are dozens of cues, that remind him of pot, and work as cues for him to use pot. The music he may play. The preparations. Even acquiring the stuff. What not. Avoiding all that will simply not work.

 

You have (had) a mutual agreement. He kept it away from you, until a few nights ago (and yes, you can argue about the semantics, as you were coming to his place, but that is irrelevant). It seems that a resentment issue may arise. Have you ever drunk a bit too much in his presence? I hope not, as that may work against him in overcoming the pot addiction.

 

Good luck.