I can't move on unless I'm vulnerable with him. Thoughts?

[MissLY]

Here's the story. I've had a massive crush on this guy....for about 5 years. I met him at a party. I've worked with his business partner and we have a lot of mutual friends/acquaintances. We both liked each other and exchanged numbers. He asked me out to lunch, I accepted and it last about 4 hours. We had fun and shared a lot in common. But of course, I live in California and he lives in New York. So we decided to keep things light, casual and stay friends on social media. Over time, he would visit California and invite me to a screening or event that he would be going to with friends. I was never available so I said no to those invites. However, we were always in touch here and there via text or social media. 

Anyway, time goes by and I meet someone else. 6 months into my new relationship, my crush reaches out and asks me out to dinner. This is the first time he asked me out on a date since our first lunch outing. Unfortunately, I had this new boyfriend, so I said no, and I never heard back from him after that. My relationship lasted almost 4 years and we eventually broke up. I've met a lot of guys on the dating apps since my relationship ended, but of course, my mind keeps going back to my crush. I literally can't shake him off. He might just be a fantasy and totally not for me, but still, I can't stop thinking about him. I did text him a few months ago but I wasn't vulnerable with him. I just asked how he was and if he still lived on the east coast. I also mentioned that I felt very nostalgic reading through our text message history. He basically mirrored my energy and kept it light. And that was that. He might have a GF at this point, I don't know. There's also a couple of girls in his friend group that I'm not really friends with anymore, so I don't know if that creates tension or drama.

Anyway, I'm wondering if I should reach out ONE more time in order to properly move on from this situation.  This was the message I was thinking of sending...

 

"Hi so and so, I hope you're doing well! I want to be honest. We've only hung out once and we don't know each other well. But, i keep thinking about you, time and time again. I was in a relationship when you asked me out a few years back. I'm currently single and if you're interested in grabbing coffee when you're in LA, I'd love to hang out. 

If you're involved with someone, I apologize in advance and I don't mean any disrespect. I wish you so much happiness. Peace & love."

 

I don't know. Is that too much? Should I send this at all? Any thoughts are appreciated, thanks! 🙂

[Wiseman2]

It's fine to stay in touch and keep an open invitation when he's in your area. Please leave out the crush part and if he's seeing someone part. It's a bit awkward. 

[d0nnivain]

It's too much.  He didn't respond when you reached out a few months ago.  Sounds like he is not interested after all this time.  I'd let it be.    Honestly after 5 years I'd be weirded out that you still have the text message history.  That's a long time to keep something so casual, especially while you had a BF

[Weezy1973]

Yeah, you don’t need to send another message to let it go. You’re holding onto a fantasy and you can let that go on your own. 

[basil67]

Unless one of you is willing to move across the country, nothing is going to come of this.  If things went well, would you move for him?

[Lotsgoingon]

You were vulnerable.

 just asked how he was and if he still lived on the east coast. I also mentioned that I felt very nostalgic reading through our text message history.

If I get a message like that, asking me where I live (and you did this right away) and saying they have nostalgia for texts with me going way back--they are expressing interest. Very clearly. Technically it's a bit indirect, but anyone with some emotional intelligence would easily get that you are expressing romantic interest.  You're not guaranteeing that you'll end up a couple, but you are making clear that you would love to explore the possibility of seeing him on a date. And you're making clear that you were crushing on him way back when. 

We don't send messages like that unless we want to connect with the person pretty deeply. If you were only interested in friendship you would have bounded your nostalgia with something like, "I remember those days when we were all starting our careers" and so on. I have a former colleague I would love to have a conversation with and I'm not interested in romance. I wouldn't write the text you wrote because I'm not interested in romance. I would talk about our intellectual conversations (this woman was incredibly informed about the world and have traveled and written extensive about conflicts around the world.) 

So you did put your romantic interest (or possible interest) out there quite well. If he can't read that, then he's emotionally immature and you don't want to date him. He's just for whatever reason not able to follow up on you right now. I don't want you to think ahead, but you know, this guy could come calling in six months or a year. Please don't expect that or wait for that. Please don't. 

And update your software: your initial message said it all! There is nothing subtle about it. 

 

Edited March 23 by Lotsgoingon

[ExpatInItaly]

On 3/23/2024 at 3:13 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

Technically it's a bit indirect, but anyone with some emotional intelligence would easily get that you are expressing romantic interest. 

I agree. 

OP, I think he likely knew exactly what you were hinting at, and he didn't really reciprocate. There's a reason for that. I don't think you need to send yet another message spelling it out more clearly. He didn't take the bait, so I would leave it there.