soft heart Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 I was wondering if you were in a situation when the person who decided to end the relationship keeps contacting you and makes it difficult for you to move on, what would you do? Especially when you are still in love with them and you miss them so much? For the last 10 months (since our break-up) he has been telling me that he has so much feelings for me and I am the girl he wants but the distance is making things too difficult for us. I said to him that unfortunately in this case I must say good bye to him in order to move on. He became really emotional and started to say things to me that I am real harsh with him and that he will die working hard and so on. He couldn't accept that I would stop talking to him. He said that he is so scared that I will replace him with someone else. He said that he wishes I could wait for him until he becomes completely ready and until we move closer to each other. I told him that I cannot wait anymore. I said to him that it's not fair on me because I could be waiting for something that will never happen. I told him that he could replace me with another girl too? He said that it's not going to happen but although I can be a dreamer and romantic, I am pretty realistic. I guess it's my way of protecting my heart. So I said good bye to him. I was very very sad and I cried that night but I felt like I had to do this. I said to myself that I must not be hurting myself all the time this way just because the guy I love is confused and lost. The next day he emailed me at work asking me if I decided not to talk to him anymore and how could I say to him that he is the only one I love and the only one in my heart and on my mind but I am taking the risk of loosing him and each other for good because I wish to stop talking? I felt that he was hurting and annoyed but I really cannot do this anymore. I cannot let myself to be played even though he might be genuinly confused. I sat down and sent him a long email explaining to him that I love him, I care for him and he knows that I wish the contrary but we must let go. I said to him that I realised that this hurt isn't good for me and that we both should grow and mature and become completely clear about what we want and what makes us happy. I said to him that if he wishes to contact me again, if he could do it only if he is sure that he wants to be with me and he wants to build a real relationship based on values that a real relationship should have. I said to him that I understand him that he is scared of loosing me and that I could meet someone else but I admitted that I have the same worries but I believe that real love won't die. I told him that we must move on in order to reflect on our past and to realise if our love was real. I explained to him that people more often realise what is best for them when they don't alaways have it in front of them. I also told him that I am not a religious person but I believe in faith. I know that me and him as two individuals are responsible for our own decisions and choices but I believe that love is something natural which we cannot always influence. I told him that we need to separate now and move on if we are supposed to meet and start again, we can start fresh. I said to him that we need to let out love be free in order to show its real sign. He sent me a beautiful email back, telling me that he likes my response very much and that he loves me too and that he understood what I meant. He said that he wishes that we could meet one day again and start again and that he also thinks that we need to move on from our past as we have a huge history and it causes problems. He said that if one day he moves closer to me, he would like to contact me to see if I am available.. He said that he cares for me so much and that I should be careful as it is dangerous out there. He said that I have a huge part in his heart and that he will never forget me. It's been about 10 days since we said good bye in a very loving and peaceful way but I miss him. I am sad thinking that we had to separate but I know this was the right thing. I am not sure if I should hope that one day.... but at the same time I know that I shouldn't wait here and hope because I cannot see the future. I am so sad thinking that he will meet another girl one day and he will love her so much, he will forget me and never looks back.. Do you think I did the right thing to say good bye? The thing is that I had to because his hesitations and confusions about us were hurting me as I was sure about him. Do you believe that reconciliation happens and faith helps bring people together? I know that I should probably forget him completely but I can't. I have such a hard time with this. However, I received a text message from him yesterday telling me that he is sorry for texting me but he couldn't resist to wish me Merry Christmas. He signed with "love xxx". I haven't replied because as I explained we agreed to no contact but I feel guilty for not replying. I feel bad. I am afraid that he might be thinking that I am a cold-hearted person because I don't even wish him Merry Christmas back. But I guess I have memories when he broke up with me how painful it was... when he pushed me away... I feel that I really don't want to say anything back anymore. I want to remain silent. I know that he probably resents me for that but if I text back, he might text me again and again and I'll never ever move on... even though I still love him and miss him terribly but HE was the one who wanted to end our love and due to the history of our relationship and my strong feelings for him, I cannot be his friend, I decided to remain silent. Please tell me, am I wrong for not replying. My mum said to me that it's polite to wish Merry Xmas but I guess I have my reasons for not replying? I am not sure if I should.. ? Sorry about the length but I appreciate your patience and your help in advance.. Thank you. I am feeling quite lost at the moment.
puffy Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 You really were awesome! You ended things on a very positive note which must have made him realize how strong and mature you are and that's definitely a real attraction factor for people. I think you should keep on ignoring him even if it may seem a bit impolite not to respond to a Christmas greeting, I assume when you answer, he will start bombarding you again. He is weak, he doesn't want to let you go now. He wants to keep you and control the relationship as he deems useful for himself. If you answer, you will be at his mercy again. Be strong and don't contact him. He will survive it when you don't send him a greeting back. If you really feel that it's necessary to be polite, then send him a greeting back. If he contacts you again, ignore it. You should not start letting yourself get sucked into any kind of discussions about your future together, his feelings, his current problems, etc. I think the moment you start to talk and explain yourself, you are actually showing weakness. I've realized, the best thing to do is to keep things short. No need to explain oneself. He understands that whatever you are doing now, is a consequence of his own actions, of the breakup that he wanted, you don't need to explain to him why you need to move on. People after a breakup move on, that's how it is. He hasn't given a damn about your feelings in the past, because he knew you were still there for him and available. He is the kind of person who needs to see the other side as well. Show him the consequences of his actions. Good luck!
I'm No Superman Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 Whenever I feel the need to break NC, I just tell myself "Remember the last time you did that..." and I slowly back away from anything and everything that has the word "Send" on it. There have been so many, too many occasions where I broke NC and the results were devastating to say the least. It set me back on the healing process and it drove me crazy. It would take weeks for her to respond and her messages were never satisfying. What I wanted to hear from her, I never heard. Which makes it frustrating on top of depressing. I wouldn't sleep because she might call back and I don't want to miss the call. I obsessively check my e-mail to see if she had sent me an e-mail etc. But really, do what you feel is right. For myself, I don't think I'm ready to break NC again. She sent me an e-card wishing me a merry christmas and I've yet to respond. I don't know if I ever will, but for now I feel pretty good and I feel like this has been one of my productive weeks and I really don't want to ruin that. You say you wan't to move on.. moving on means letting go of that person. I really think that by contacting him now would only set you back. I know it's hard, you're only on day 10th. But trust me when I say that it does get better. Forget about disappointing his feelings. What you're doing is for the betterment of yourself. And by the end of the day, you have to answer to yourself and not him. Good Luck.
incognito Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 soft heart....your situation sounds sooo familiar to mine. I am pretty sure I'd have responded...actually, I already did. Yesterday I broke off any contact, he was extremely upset w/ me, angry, bitter and hurt. And today he emailed me asking for a professional opinion on something. I was quite surprised. And I answered. It's hard not to when you love them still. But I know I need NC in order to move on and get over him...we've tried the 'still being friends' bit...it doesn't work. We have been through this several times before, he is always the one to break NC, but I always respond eventually
Geoffrey Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 I know what all of you are saying, I have been doing NC with my ex-girlfriend of 14 mos. We were INSEPARABLE for the longest time, I wanted to marry her, spend the rest of my days with her, but her life issues (mainly mental health - depression) became too much for me to bear past a certain point, so we mutually ended the relationship....she is with someone now who is not good for her at all, someone she NEVER would pick if she were well. No one I know expects that to last, so we'll see about that.... I still have things at her place, but she says she wants to pack them up for me...doesn't seem to be in a hurry to do this. How come? Is she holding on to me....? Does she want to keep me in her life? Part of me wants to close the book on this chapter of my life, but is it too painful for her to see me leave for the last time....? I'm confused....each time we talk on the phone or see each other, tears fall, long hugs ensue, and then I need to leave because it is too painful for both of us. I LOVE HER and I know SHE LOVES ME. What to do....? Can anyone throw me a lifeline?
Author soft heart Posted December 27, 2005 Author Posted December 27, 2005 I know I am probably really cruel person and a cruel ex-girlfriend but I decided not to respond. I feel strange doing it maybe because usually I would always be there ready whenever he contacted me but in the end I was always hurt. I guess this last time when he changed his mind again, I realised that I no longer want to fight for this kind of relationship. It did not give me any happiness over the last few months. He even told me that he slept with 3 different girls. I know that after the break-up I had no right to blame him because he is not my boyfriend anymore but I was here still waiting and hoping and missing him but when he told me last time that he had another girl in his bed, something has changed inside me. He kept telling me that these girls meant ntohing and that it was when he was drunk and he did not care for them and it was just to prove to himself that he can get a girl but I think I realised that I really do deserve better. I managed to walk away in a peaceful and loving way despite all this and I think one more answer from me could again change everything. I'd like to keep it this way. He even told me that him and his friend are flying to Madrid in Spain to celebrate New Year when last year he was celebrating the end of the year with me in my country in my parents house. To be honest, I wish him all the fun but I do not wish to know what he is doing when he is not with me. He can have fun as much as he want with different girls but I have suffered too much and I think this is too destructive for me. I am going to celebrate New Year with my mum here at home. I think this year was so painful for me and my family as they have their own problems, I feel like I want to be silent and in peace. I guess it's my way of moving on and forgetting... It's very hard but the guy I thought I love the most is pursuing other girls and I think it was not fair of him to ask me to wait for him or to make me feel guilty because I asked for no contact. I am sorry if I sound really negative and down but I really need to talk to someone who will understand me and I feel that people on this board know what I am talking about. I guess I feel disappointed. It's nice of him to send me Xmas wishes but I guess it's not enough anymore for me to forget all the pain and hurt and disappointment in order to reply... I never thought I will be able to separate myself from HIM. It's really sad and disappointing but I did what's best for me I guess. for the first time I thought with my head against my feelings and my heart.
hopekills Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I actually registered so that I can send you a message, but I don't think I'm having any luck. I read your posting for Nikitta I believe and it really hit home! I think you and I might be going through the exact same thing! This is my first time on a forum and i think it will only help me be strong...well let me post this and start reading!
Author soft heart Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 I am not happy about one thing. I am actually not sure why and I really don't know how to deal with it. The whole time I was in contact with his flatmate who was our mutual friend but of course more of his than mine. she was always quite supportive and she even told me that we could meet at the beginning of february but since I said good bye to my ex-boyfriend, she doesn't respond to my emails and my text messages? I even sent her a Xmas card. I know that she doesn't always respond but this time she has been silent for quite a while.. and it bothers me? I worry that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I feel that she ignores me? What should I do? I feel as if she doesn't want to talk to me now because I am ignoring him? but she was always quite supportive and almost on my side because she has suffered before from a simillar situation? Should I keep contanting her or forget him and her all together? I feel sad about it. It makes me really guilty. Her ignoring my messages makes me feel as if she has decided that I am a bad person or she now doesn't want to have anything to do wtih me because we are no longer in contact? It's hurting me actually. What do you think about it?
Gomen Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 He even told me that he slept with 3 different girls. I know that after the break-up I had no right to blame him because he is not my boyfriend anymore but I was here still waiting and hoping and missing him but when he told me last time that he had another girl in his bed, something has changed inside me. He kept telling me that these girls meant ntohing and that it was when he was drunk and he did not care for them and it was just to prove to himself that he can get a girl but I think I realised that I really do deserve better. He f***ed those girls to get his confidence back. To feel strong and independent. Perfectly normal. Doubt he feels the same way about those girls. \ He flat out told you about it and that it meant nothing. Why can't you take him for what he says?
Gomen Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I am not happy about one thing. I am actually not sure why and I really don't know how to deal with it. The whole time I was in contact with his flatmate who was our mutual friend but of course more of his than mine. she was always quite supportive and she even told me that we could meet at the beginning of february but since I said good bye to my ex-boyfriend, she doesn't respond to my emails and my text messages? I even sent her a Xmas card. I know that she doesn't always respond but this time she has been silent for quite a while.. and it bothers me? I worry that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I feel that she ignores me? What should I do? I feel as if she doesn't want to talk to me now because I am ignoring him? but she was always quite supportive and almost on my side because she has suffered before from a simillar situation? Should I keep contanting her or forget him and her all together? I feel sad about it. It makes me really guilty. Her ignoring my messages makes me feel as if she has decided that I am a bad person or she now doesn't want to have anything to do wtih me because we are no longer in contact? It's hurting me actually. What do you think about it? She stole him?
Author soft heart Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 So you are trying to tell me that I should have just accepted that he slept with other girls and be ok with it while I was there confused what is going on in his head? no she did not steal him. She was his friend but then when he met me, she became my friend also.
ciara12step Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 the girl i've been talkin to said she kissed a guy out of drunkeness and it meant nothing .. how does it make me feel ?? confused, hurt, relieved (that she didnt sleep with someone), but still the fact that she kissed someone is etched into my mind .. u need to find urself again .. and go to the strickest NC that u can do .. but hell that is not easy at all .. but theres really not many choices .. by him sleeping with other girls shows no respect .. maybe if he was begging on his knees, crying, and everything else, then think about reconciliation .. but he knows he has u , and he has to know that he doesnt have u ..
Lishy Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Maybe his flatmate is one of the girls he has slept with and she feels too bad to talk to you?
Author soft heart Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 I can say for sure that's not the case because I know her too well and also he told me what girls they were he slept with. Besides she has a boyfriend and is in love with him and extremely loyal to him. he said that the girls he slept with were girls he met in a club when he was drunk.. they are girls he doesn't know well. I guess the situation has had such a huge impact on me, which means that when she does not reply to me immediately,I am reacting as if it's him who is not replying..
Author soft heart Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 I am feeling so down today. I am actually hurting. It's close to New Year's Eve and I know that he is going to have FUN with his friends and whoever else in Spain. He is flying there to see his friends he met in England. He is going to enjoy himself. He will probably have all this fun with different girls and I am sure he will not think of me at all. I am so sad. I am feeling pain because I am here at home. I won't have such a special event as he does. He is enjoying himself. I know that it's good for him but I am having a hard time with this. I feel upset. I feel somehow scared what will be..... he will move on and he will forget me. but what makes me really sad that he will have such a fun.. I'll be at home with my mum because all my other friends from home are with their boyfriends.. I am on my own. I feel like crying. Why did he tell me about it!! I didn't have to know that he is going to celebrate it with his friends.. he is flying there with a guy who is his good friend and I know that they can be quite crazy when they are together... you know what I mean by that I know on the other hand that I cannot stop him anymore. He is not with me anymore and I know that I must accept it that he will never be again.. It's so hard. I am feeling so emotional. Why didn't he love me back? why did he do all these painful things to me?? Why?? So many guys would do so much for being with me but the one I wanted, didn't give me the love I wanted. Why?
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