How many of us spent christmas without the love of our life?

January 8, 2006

I have had the same experience during these holidays. I was very good friends with my MM and served as his therapist and best friend...he does the same for me. Very recently, just a few weeks ago...it turned sexual. I have really fallen for him now and I have to remind myself that I cannot expect or demand anything because I knew what I chose to do. I have to take responsibility for myself and figure out what I really want from this person and what I want from myself thru this experience. I couldn't believe it! Me with a married man! Something I always sneered at being the girl who got cheated on in the past. The universe is certainly playing a trick on me in giving me a best friend that I am attracted to who happens to be in "one of those" marriages that turned out to be the "bait and switch" situation. She reeled him in, got married, got pregnant and barely touched him again. Her perogative of course. I have nothing against her. He loves his children very much and loves her too. I had spent the last 6 months counseling him on how to win her back. He enthusiastically tried all of my suggestions on how to bring his wife back...all rejected. Even when he tried my random hug and kiss idea, she suggested he hug and kiss the kids instead. He even finally asked her to do the marriage counseling thing...she laughed at him and told him to take out the trash. I was going thru my problems too, I was in a lot of pain from a bad car accident and pushed out of my job, in financial ruin basically from medical bills, gained 50lbs and down in the dumps. We were great friends in great moods all the time and both of us went downhill at the same time. We certainly sought comfort and love and support in each other. Although we have only been intimate twice...I still feel wonderful and horrible at the same time. I kept asking myself how low was it. Then I realized I needed to stop judging myself and stop judging the situation and just do what is best for me in the moment for a bit. Right now, spending time with my best friend makes me feel the best. He is a very special person with no lines and no lies. What to do? I have no idea. The truth has a way of coming out and just be prepared for what is around the corner. Most of all, I have to take care of myself and only seek enhancement from others, not lean on them so heavily. Not having him around to hug and kiss on New Years sucked. I really have to think about things.

January 8, 2006

Me, scarlet..., I spent it without him...but I don't think it's such a big deal:
He was all night thinking about me, called me twice, and sent me a beautiful txt msg...next day we catched up, bought me to the nicest restaurant, a very romantic night.
Honestly I 've never been sooooooo much in love, so fullfilled and happy and he is too (I know how to recognize when a guy is in love)

Scarlet, it's not SUCH a big deal, but I understand you, even me I was sad!
I just try to liv e the present, I m happy, he makes me happy and he does what he can for me, and I know we will end up together...even though it's a big sacrifice I m doing by supporting him until the right time comes for him to leave her.
*****To the judgamental ppl: PLEASE STOP IT, SPECIALLY YOU ART CRITIC, do you really think those comments are doing anything for us? Yeah right, thanks for waking me up dude, let me kick the love of my life on the butt, and say thanks bu-bye...things are not that easy to do, and we are NOT stupid, we know the chances may be little, they may be lying, etc, but we come to this site for support, understanding, to share experience, like a group therapy. DO you think if you go to a group thereapy session, ppl are judging you and reminding you how WRONG is what you do? Is it constructive????NO!

I'm in the exact same situation.... It's so hard. I have my up moments and my down moments..... The down moments come at times when I can't be in contact with my mm for one reason or another....

January 8, 2006

Yeah, me too I have a lot of ups and downs, rollercoaster, but I am sooooo happy when I m with him!

Nobody ever loved me this way, I would die if this was a lie (sp?)

January 8, 2006

Yeah, me too I have a lot of ups and downs, rollercoaster, but I am sooooo happy when I m with him!
Nobody ever loved me this way, I would die if this was a lie (sp?)

I feel exactly the same way Marielle. This man treats me better in every other way, than any man I've ever had a relationship with. I truly feel like I've met the love of my life, we are so perfect together.

At times when we can't be together he'll send me emails, constantly telling me how much he loves me and needs me to hang in there with him, while he figures all of this out. He says he can't imagine life without me now, and I believe this to be true. You know when the man you are with loves you with all his being.

It truly is a rollercoaster...hehe.. But what an amazing ride! I wouldn't give up a single moment I've shared with him for anything in the world.

January 8, 2006

I feel exactly the same way Marielle. This man treats me better in every other way, than any man I've ever had a relationship with. I truly feel like I've met the love of my life, we are so perfect together.

At times when we can't be together he'll send me emails, constantly telling me how much he loves me and needs me to hang in there with him, while he figures all of this out. He says he can't imagine life without me now, and I believe this to be true. You know when the man you are with loves you with all his being.

It truly is a rollercoaster...hehe.. But what an amazing ride! I wouldn't give up a single moment I've shared with him for anything in the world.

YUCK! This makes me sick.

If you were so "perfect together", then he'd be married to you. But he's not. He's ALREADY MARRIED TO HIS WIFE!

January 9, 2006

YUCK! This makes me sick.

If you were so "perfect together", then he'd be married to you. But he's not. He's ALREADY MARRIED TO HIS WIFE!

Yes, you are right. How does one end a relationship with someone that won't let you go and that you love very deeply?

January 9, 2006

Yes, you are right. How does one end a relationship with someone that won't let you go and that you love very deeply?

He's being selfish. Keeping you on the hook...asking you to be patient while he "figures things out". Is that how you treat someone you love someone? Don't let your feelings for him blind you to what is really going on.

January 9, 2006

He's being selfish. Keeping you on the hook...asking you to be patient while he "figures things out". Is that how you treat someone you love someone? Don't let your feelings for him blind you to what is really going on.

Your right. He has me right where he wants me. He doesn't have the strength to end things, and thus far I haven't either. We work together, so it's been extremely hard whenver I've considered breaking things off...

January 9, 2006

Not being in love with your spouse any more is not a justification for cheating. In such situations, the RIGHT thing to do would be to END ONE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU START ANOTHER. Why is this simple, moral concept lost on so many people?

Well, I have to agree somewhat with this statement... I don't think there is any real excuse or justification for cheating. But that doesn't mean it won't happen if a marriage is unhappy and no-one is doing anything about it. The fact is, there are reasons affairs happen, justified or not.

In such situations, the RIGHT thing to do would be to END ONE RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU START ANOTHER. Why is this simple, moral concept lost on so many people?

Sorry to sound glib, but it's probably because it's a simple, moral(istic) concept. Those things rarely prove practical in real life.

January 9, 2006

She reeled him in, got married, got pregnant and barely touched him again. Her perogative of course. I have nothing against her. He loves his children very much and loves her too. I had spent the last 6 months counseling him on how to win her back. He enthusiastically tried all of my suggestions on how to bring his wife back...all rejected. Even when he tried my random hug and kiss idea, she suggested he hug and kiss the kids instead. He even finally asked her to do the marriage counseling thing...she laughed at him and told him to take out the trash.

... Most of all, I have to take care of myself and only seek enhancement from others, not lean on them so heavily. Not having him around to hug and kiss on New Years sucked. I really have to think about things.

Hello SHE.

What does he say about what he intends to do..? His relationship with his wife isn't (he says) what he wants... but is he intending to continue with the marriage? And would you be OK with that long-term? Separating out the 'my relationship with W is unsatisfying' from 'I'm going to end my M' thoughts/comments is really important (I think). It doesn't matter how dissatisfied he feels... if he has you on the side.

January 9, 2006

At times when we can't be together he'll send me emails, constantly telling me how much he loves me and needs me to hang in there with him, while he figures all of this out. He says he can't imagine life without me now, and I believe this to be true.

Has he given you any indication that he intends to leave his marriage, or (forgive me) is it all talk about how he 'can't imagine...' etc. etc. Until he starts making plans and then following through, all you have is words. And typing is easy.

edited to add: just realised that (I think) you have already said that he told you he won't leave..? Or have I got confused again? These multi-story threads always get me in a pickle too.

January 9, 2006

How does one end a relationship with someone that won't let you go and that you love very deeply?

Is he saying that he loves his wife deeply..?

In that case you're in real trouble

I read this other idea all the time when affairs are concerned... that the person's spouse 'won't let them go'. If a man is so ineffectual and can't possibly leave someone because it's what HE wants/needs to do... then something is wrong somewhere.

As much as BSs blame the OW, there is too much of this 'the W trapped him!' comment from the OW. Neither is correct. MM are given too much leway by both women in the situation, simply because neither of them know the truth about the whole thing.

January 9, 2006

As much as BSs blame the OW, there is too much of this 'the W trapped him!' comment from the OW. Neither is correct. MM are given too much leway by both women in the situation, simply because neither of them know the truth about the whole thing.

Excellent point, Sami.

January 9, 2006

I have had the same experience during these holidays. I was very good friends with my MM and served as his therapist and best friend...he does the same for me. Very recently, just a few weeks ago...it turned sexual. I have really fallen for him now and I have to remind myself that I cannot expect or demand anything because I knew what I chose to do. I have to take responsibility for myself and figure out what I really want from this person and what I want from myself thru this experience. I couldn't believe it! Me with a married man! Something I always sneered at being the girl who got cheated on in the past. The universe is certainly playing a trick on me in giving me a best friend that I am attracted to who happens to be in "one of those" marriages that turned out to be the "bait and switch" situation. She reeled him in, got married, got pregnant and barely touched him again. Her perogative of course. I have nothing against her. He loves his children very much and loves her too. I had spent the last 6 months counseling him on how to win her back. He enthusiastically tried all of my suggestions on how to bring his wife back...all rejected. Even when he tried my random hug and kiss idea, she suggested he hug and kiss the kids instead. He even finally asked her to do the marriage counseling thing...she laughed at him and told him to take out the trash. I was going thru my problems too, I was in a lot of pain from a bad car accident and pushed out of my job, in financial ruin basically from medical bills, gained 50lbs and down in the dumps. We were great friends in great moods all the time and both of us went downhill at the same time. We certainly sought comfort and love and support in each other. Although we have only been intimate twice...I still feel wonderful and horrible at the same time. I kept asking myself how low was it. Then I realized I needed to stop judging myself and stop judging the situation and just do what is best for me in the moment for a bit. Right now, spending time with my best friend makes me feel the best. He is a very special person with no lines and no lies. What to do? I have no idea. The truth has a way of coming out and just be prepared for what is around the corner. Most of all, I have to take care of myself and only seek enhancement from others, not lean on them so heavily. Not having him around to hug and kiss on New Years sucked. I really have to think about things.

just be careful,

according to my exmm, his wife was unable to have sex due to some physical reason, which she refused to seek medical help for, i counselled him for ages. he truly wanted to sort his marriage out, she wouldnt even talk to him, everytime he tried she walked past him and completely blanked him. she kissed other men passionately. you name it. even though at first i did not believe these stories, eventually, i began to believe them because it seemed too outrageous for any normal person to lie to this extent.

January 13, 2006

Has he given you any indication that he intends to leave his marriage, or (forgive me) is it all talk about how he 'can't imagine...' etc. etc. Until he starts making plans and then following through, all you have is words. And typing is easy.

edited to add: just realised that (I think) you have already said that he told you he won't leave..? Or have I got confused again? These multi-story threads always get me in a pickle too.

Sorry Sami_D I posted in another thread, what I hope is a more clearer description. But to answer your question in this thread, yes, at the beginning he we actually lived together. I would not begin the relationship until he was ready to move on...and sadly all my precautions did not help... I go in more detail in the "Want to be with a married man" thread...

Hey guys, I truly appreciate your feedback. Coming here has really helped me, more than I can say.

Many thanks

January 13, 2006

Hi SL,

You've received an enormous amount of wise opinions on this thread and the time, effort and thought that has gone into them is very generous.

My only problem is, and tell me if you agree scarletletter, that this particular thread wasn't asking for advice about a situation. I thought it was a thread for OW to have a chat about how Christmas was for them.

I know advice is given with the very best of intentions, but maybe we should all try to read the thread title carefully before we expend our energy offering our opinions when they're not actually required.

A couple of months ago scarletletter posted a thread which DID ask for our views. She explained her situation, asked a few questions and was very dignified when responding to occasional attacks.

This isn't a criticism, there are so many amazing people on this site I'm surprised they aren't out there charging people for their therapy!

(WWIU, you're bloody wonderful darling!!)

I just think there are times when advice is not what we necessarily want to hear, we may just fancy a good old chin wag!

Take it easy SL, don't fall to deep.

Veronese

January 16, 2006

just be careful,
according to my exmm, his wife was unable to have sex due to some physical reason, which she refused to seek medical help for, i counselled him for ages. he truly wanted to sort his marriage out, she wouldnt even talk to him, everytime he tried she walked past him and completely blanked him. she kissed other men passionately. you name it. even though at first i did not believe these stories, eventually, i began to believe them because it seemed too outrageous for any normal person to lie to this extent.

This is to answer Sami D as well:

I had a long talk with him on the phone. While it is true that we have a chemistry that both of us say we have not had with others. But, we have to be practical. We are both moralistic good eggs to say the least. So this is rough on the conscious for both of us. I really do care about him and am incredibly attracted to him...BUT first and foremost, we are friends. I have encouraged him to seek professional help for himself and figure out what he wants for himself. The most important thing to him is his children. The idea of him not being able to see them every night sounds more hellish then sleeping next to his cold wife. In the end, I just want him to be happy. I realize I am getting the short end of the stick. But, I will be just fine on my own if that is what then end entails. I told him I used to be one of those women that sneered at the "other woman" and thought, how low is your self esteem that you have to go after a man who is not available. He asked me what I thought now, and I laughed and said...now I ask myself the same damn thing! Being the other woman has certainly been a learning experience for me. I will just have to take it day by day. My feelings for him are strong...but that is a choice that I can't force him to make. Most of all, he is a great friend and helps me see things in a way that I would have never looked at. He definitely enhances my life. Being the OW is definitely more complicated then I ever judgementally thought otherwise.

I am so grateful to have this website to vent on since my friends judge me so much that I don't have anyone to talk to really about it.

January 16, 2006

Moralistic good eggs and having an affair? Do they go together?

Would his kids be happy seeing him every night if they knew that their moralistic daddy was screwing another woman?

Listen to your friends and find a guy to call your own!

January 16, 2006

I have been reading the comments on this page from the other women. This is the best I have felt in months. Its so nice to know that I'm not the only person who is dealing with this, although I must say you all are handling it a lot better than me. I began working with this guy about a little over a year ago.

He was the most beautiful human being I had ever laid eyes on. Seriously, he's amazing. We became good friends very quicky. I just clicked with him instantly. Unfortunately, he is married. What started out as an innocent crush soon became something that was more powerful than me and apparently him too. His wife became pregnant before we started our little romance and they didn't find out until afterwards.

What was suppose to be a little fling for him has now turned into full on love. I am crazy in love with him and he feels the same way. He is my best friend which is sad because he shouldn't be. This is honestly making me crazy. I don't know how you ladies do this for years. Six months and I'm about to break. I have tried several times to break this off because it is so wrong, but he touches me and I melt.

He'll tell me every time that he needs me in his life and he doesn't want to not have me around. No one has ever looked at me the way he does or talked to me the way he does. I have never pushed him to leave his wife and I never will. I do know that they are fighting constantly and it will probably end up happening without any help from me. My question is, what happens next? This is such a crazy situation to me.

There are way to many questions and no answers. More than anything I just want to know what makes us do this. I was raised in a happy home with two parents who are still madly in love with each other. How did I grow up to be a home wrecker? And can you really be a home wrecker in a home that wasn't that great in the first place? HELP ME!!!!!

January 16, 2006

Well one day you may be lucky enough for him to leave his wife and new child for you!

Then one day you may be lucky enough to feel the pain of him leaving you for the next love of his life!

Good luck!

January 16, 2006

Moralistic good eggs and having an affair? Do they go together?

Would his kids be happy seeing him every night if they knew that their moralistic daddy was screwing another woman?

Listen to your friends and find a guy to call your own!

Wow, Lishy! In terms of picking out one thought with in a complete explaination and taking it totally out of context while ignoring the rest of the paragraph; to form an opinion or estimation of with out careful consideration....that was incredibly judgemental! Are you that much of a perfection that you are without any flaws and have chosen to be the almighty arbiter of life...hmmm...no! Wow, you make me feel like I am not so bad in the self esteem department when I look at people like you who make comments like that! How sad you must be...

January 16, 2006

Screwing someone else's husband is wrong! Is that correct? How would you feel if it was YOUR husband?

Is there a 'right' in this situation?

I have an opinion, it does not make me a public prosecutor, it makes me a person with an opinion!

You can get mad at me all you like for telling you my feelings, it does not change the fact that you are screwing someone else's husband and some poor childs dad!

Remember Karma! Lets hope this one does not bit you on the ass one day!

And if my words raise your self esteem then read again!

January 16, 2006

Oh and before all of you OW start battering down on me with long words trying to make me understand why you screw another man husband and telling me off for judging you I have 2 things to say;

1. I will not apologise for knowing right from wrong.

2. I will not feel guilty for expressing my opinions.

January 16, 2006

My question is, what happens next? This is such a crazy situation to me.

Visiting...911, if he was meant to be with you and loved you as much as he says he does, he'd leave his wife and be with you. He'd do ANYTHING to be with you and only you.

Be strong and end it. Ofcourse it will hurt you, get some therapy to help you cope with the loss...You need to completely end it with him. As much as he loves you, he probably has no plans in leaving his wife and child, ever. So, really, unless you want to feel awful all the time, you gotta end it.

January 17, 2006

Oh and before all of you OW start battering down on me with long words trying to make me understand why you screw another man husband and telling me off for judging you I have 2 things to say;

1. I will not apologise for knowing right from wrong.
2. I will not feel guilty for expressing my opinions.

It comes across as being nothing but judgemental. None of your posts here are really full of advice, just judging. Just telling people how wrong they are.. as if none of us know what we're doing or did was wrong. It's not expressing your opinion.. people like WWIU are giving opinions and offering advice.. in a supportive way. You're not at all.

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How many of us spent christmas without the love of our life?

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