How many of us spent christmas without the love of our life?

[Owl]

I'm not here to bash on anyone, so please realize that as you read my post.

 

I understand that everyone feels that 'but MY situation is different'...almost every single thread on this board echoes those sentiments exactly.

 

Not all MM are the same...I grant that. And each OW/OM and BS is different too.

 

But the situation that we're talking about here is hardly unique. Three people, two sets of relationships. One relationship is based on the incredibly intense feelings that are generated by a new (and often illicit) relationship. That "in-love" feeling...that "soulmate" feeling. The other is based on a long-term relationship...it's held together by 'history' as opposed to 'feelings'. IF the MP/OP relationship is left untroubled long enough, it CAN build up a history of it's own...making it potentially VERY powerful. But the problem is that it rarely lasts that long before the BS finds out in some fashion and the affair is out in the open...bluntly, it's darned hard to truly hide something like this for that long.

 

Add into that the simple fact that MOST (not all, but most) people will respond to the same situations in the same way, and you DO get a generally predictable outcome.

 

MOST of the time, the 'history' will win out over the 'feelings'. Not everytime...but most of the time. And that is why you'll see so many people here trying to encourage the OP to end the relationship...if they're the one posting for advice. Because most of us are hoping that the OP will end it and minimize the hurt and pain for ALL of the people involved. It's easy to give advice from outside the situation...but it's a lot harder to take the advice when you're IN the situation.

 

And the thing is that most all of these relationships follow a path that is so predictable that it's almost like a 'script' for all three parties involved. And that's again why you see that blanket advice. I don't have to see all that's going on in a relationship like this to have a good idea on what's LIKELY happening or going to happen.

 

OCCASIONALLY, you'll see a relationship that doesn't follow the normal script. But that's the exception, not the rule.

 

Personally, I don't know anyone on this board well enough to truly have a vested interest in how their situation turns out. But I still give advice simply because I'd HOPE that they would be able to listen to others who have either been in similar situations and can help them minimize the damage from the choices that were made.

 

Personally, I hope that regardless of everyone's specific situation, I hope that it turns out the best possible way it can...for ALL of the people involved. MP, OP, or BS.

[whichwayisup]

It is the attitude about it that keeps me sane and knowing that I am calling the shots right now. I can never let him think that I am "waiting" for him. No way can I ever let him know how much I want him to leave and be with me. He has to want it badly enough to do it without me asking.

 

But is he worth all that? To hide how you think and feel so you can call the shots? You still are waiting for him in your heart, even if he isn't aware of it, YOU know it. With that being said, it's hurting you.

 

I do hope one day you get fed up enough so you can close the door, walk away forever, find some single man who will adore and love only you.

[whichwayisup]

Great post Owl!

 

MOST of the time, the 'history' will win out over the 'feelings'. Not everytime...but most of the time.

 

Not that many people are willing to give up so much for something that isn't a sure thing. Most people don't like change on a good day so maybe for the MM to decide to end his marriage, not only is he giving up his wife, maybe his children if there are any - He's also giving up Inlaws, possibly other family members, neighbours, friends, his life routine and everything comforting thing he knows.

[scarletletter]

I can appreciate that most everyone who has been the OW has been hurt in some form or fashion. It is the saddest thing in the world to trust someone and then find out they have lied to you. Yes, I guess I think my MM is worth it or else I wouldn't be doing it. He is filing for separation and it is killing him to do that because it is hurting his kids. I am not encouraging him at all to do this, he is doing it on his own. This wife of his will absolutely clean him financially because she has never worked a day in her life and there are 2 kids under 18. I respect him for staying as long as he did for the children. I actually feel sorry for the wife sometimes because she cannot understand how he feels even when he tries to tell her. They went to counseling, etc. and nothing worked. So he decided that in order to get what he needs, he will find someone else. A very selfish act, I agree. But what he needed was not just sexual, it was emotional support, being a friend, having fun with him and listening when he needs to talk. That is what I provide for him, something that she has flat out refused to do. He has given her so many options and choices to make. She doesn't care at all about the marriage, just wants the kids to be happy, as does he. My point is, I don't think he is leaving the marriage because of me, I think he is leaving because of her...he cannot live with her any longer. Things are a bit different with me because I don't feel I am the cause of the breakup...but I may have helped him realize how much he is missing.

[Art_Critic]

You know...you people that have nothing supportive to say....why are you here? This is a group for people that are in the same situation and like to talk to each other about it. I couldn't care less about past experiences from art critic or anyone else. It is not MY experience and you have no idea what you are talking about when you try to judge my situation. It is a very delicate situation and it is the way that I want it right now. Yes, it is very very disappointing at times, however, I am mature enough to know why and can accept it. Whatever happened in your past, I am truly sorry that it left you such a bitter and opinionated person. You absolutely cannot tell other people that the same will happen to them when you have no idea what the situation is. Why don't you go to the forum for bitter OW who bash all MM and OW. If you were heartbroken, go the heartbroken forum...your rude opinions are not needed here.

 

good luck lady.. drawing from my experiences and posting is what this forum is about.. discussion.

[scarletletter]

I don't agree....its bitter people who think that everyone else's story is just like theirs that make this forum unbearable. No one even bothers to ask any questions ...just say , " oh, you will end up alone, he will always go back to the wife, he loves his wife, he's using you. No f-ing way you can know this unless you know our situation....whatever...I'm done here.

[Art_Critic]

I don't agree....its bitter people who think that everyone else's story is just like theirs that make this forum unbearable. No one even bothers to ask any questions ...just say , " oh, you will end up alone, he will always go back to the wife, he loves his wife, he's using you. No f-ing way you can know this unless you know our situation....whatever...I'm done here.

 

First of all I'm not bitter.. because you don't like what I have to say doesn't mean that it doesn't carry weight..

 

People with closed minds who are only looking for sympathy posts need to say so upfront..

 

If it's advice you seek.. I was giving advice.. You are not willing to accept it as advice and only see it as criticism

 

I happen to be a tell it like it is poster.. I don't sugar coat much..

 

And if you read the history of posts on LS and if you have read my advice you will see that OW/MM while each is different ALL following patterns that are easily foreseeable for someone who has been thru it..

 

It is a tough pill to swallow..

[whichwayisup]

Take the good with the bad, if you don't like advice given, ignore it. Atleast people are taking the time to share their thoughts, whether you like it or not. Don't think A_C was attacking you, he just sees things from a different frame of mind. Please go read a bunch of OW/MM threads. They are very similar and pain is pain no matter what.

[whichwayisup]

I don't agree....its bitter people who think that everyone else's story is just like theirs that make this forum unbearable. No one even bothers to ask any questions ...just say , " oh, you will end up alone, he will always go back to the wife, he loves his wife, he's using you. No f-ing way you can know this unless you know our situation....whatever...I'm done here.

 

The realistic view is, even if a MM leaves his wife and jumps into a R with an OW there is no guarantee it will last. Trust will always be an issue. Not saying it won't work out but if your MM leaves his wife and stays with you GO TO counselling together and learn how to really communicate and listen. There aren't many OW who don't have trust issues with their MM. As I mentioned, read some threads and see the patterns/similarities of the full picture.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[Ladyjane14]

She doesn't care at all about the marriage, just wants the kids to be happy, as does he.

 

Did you ask her this? Or are you taking the MM's version as the Gospel truth?

 

This wife of his will absolutely clean him financially because she has never worked a day in her life and there are 2 kids under 18.

 

"Clean him financially" ....As if his wife hasn't EARNED fully half of whatever they have together? As if foregoing a career of her own in order to raise her children and take care of her family is not a viable contribution?

 

It's a real sacrifice these days to make that kind of commitment to home and hearth. SAHM's have a really hard time reestablishing themselves in the workplace on equal footing with their consistently working counterparts.

 

I've been a SAHM, and I've been a 'working mom'. I work my ASS off, but I only make about a third of what my husband makes. That's the sacrifice I made in my semi-hiatus from the workforce. While I almost always had at least a part-time job, it was always in the nature of menial labor so that I would have the flexibility my family needed.

 

So yeah, you betcha.....if my husband and I were ever to get a divorce, I'd certainly take what I had earned, inclusive of my loss of earning potential.

[mopar crazy]

I agree LJ.

 

A MM who uses that excuse of not being able to leave his W b/c of financial reasons is full of s***!

 

My H and I were not well off financially, we struggled pay check to pay check. He decided he wanted a D b/c he was involved w/ the exOW. He claimed the exOW had nothing to do w/ him filing but guess what, she had everything to do w/ filing. We didn't have the best of M and he used that as an excuse. We were M 11 years when he decided to have an A. Why didn't he file for a D years ago if he was so damn unhappy? Things weren't really any different, then the OW came into his life. She persued him for three years and she made him feel happy again. Well, if he woudl of been home more and not out drinking every night maybe I would of paid attention to him instead of him going to the OW. Their A was short lived, a few months, when he realize the grass was not greener on the other side. He admitted to me that she was the reason for the D. I wont get into anymore about the OW but I have posted about her in the past and even OW here at LS have said she was a wacko, in so many words.

 

What my point is, him saying he wont get a D b/c of financial reasons is total BS. If he really wanted to be w/ you, he would leave his W.

 

Not to be harsh scarlet, and I'm sorry if it came off that way. It's your life and you need to do what makes you happy, just don't let this guy play you for a fool.

[9Lives]

Just wondering if I was the only one feeling very lonely and empty because I couldn't spend christmas with the man that I love. Of course, he is with his family and I knew it would be this way but this is my first christmas being involved with him and it really has sucked. I guess it will always be this way but I knew that going in...although it really doesn't help alot. We couldn't even exchange gifts. This man is the best at being discreet and we have a mutual understanding that there will always be disappointment when we cannot be together because of holidays and children involved. It is such a lonely feeling and for the first time in this relationship I can honestly say that I am hurting. I have been so strong for so long...guess it was just a matter of time. I was just wondering if anyone else felt the same.

 

 

My honey came over and met my family. I was very happy he did that. He stayed for about 2 hours and brought my children gift.. I love him but never satisfied is me.

[erika2610]

I have never thought that this forum belonged here. I think it's gross that people in affairs cheer each other on in what they're doing.

 

So then why do you come here? And nobody here 'cheers each other on'. Most of the posts I've seen, people are giving each other support in a difficult situation. With the exception of a few judgemental people.

[9Lives]

No, that is really not the way it happened. We both knew that there would be times when we couldn't be together and we both decided that we were strong enough to handle it. We talked for a long time about how this would pan out, before we ever got involved. I really don't have the right to complain because I did make most of the rules myself. I guessed I asked for the sarcasm and negativity by posting here in the first place. I am well aware that it is how most special day will be spent, I was only interested if other people were going through the same thing. I know exactly what I have done and I who I have done it with. I don't need a lecture on what is right and what is wrong and how its going to be for the rest of my time with him. I am fully aware of all of those things.

 

I am seeing a married man and to you I say ASK FOR WHAT YOU REALLY WANT. YOU DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE. If he wants two women, he has to keep two women happy. That is how I play my cards. I expected to see him on Christmas eve, christmas day, and the day after christmas and he came all of those days. You tell him give you want you want too or go find someone else. They can get away if they want to. Don't let him put you in the box.

[9Lives]

Think how grumpy his wife would be if she found out she is married to a cheating rat!

 

If you mess with someone else's guy you cant expect to see them on important days - On those days he is with the the woman he CHOOSES to be with!

 

Sorry for everyone who was lonely on christmas day - I wouldn't wish that upon anyone!!!

 

May I ask you what is your purpose for coming to this forum? Some of the people here are hurt but not all of the women that are other women are mistreated just so you know. My mm is VERY GOOD TO ME and my kids.

[9Lives]

To say the love of your life is married to another woman is quite sad. To say that you will wait and be happy for the scraps he can give you is even sadder - Karma comes around and IF he does eventually leave his wife for you it will just open a new mistress vacancy.

 

If the love of your life, the man who makes you so happy, is such a devious liar then great. Just expect lots more lonely holidays!

 

Someone that is married to someone else can have love with someone else. It happens all the time. Neither woman really gets all of his love because it is divided between two people but it happens. The wife wasnt all that to him in the first place or else he would not be out with other women so maybe something is missing there too. You make it seem like she is in lala land and he is prince charming and the other woman is just spinning her wheels. It is not that rosey at all. The other woman does not get totally fulfillment but she does feel his affections and they are not always a joke.

[9Lives]

You know...you people that have nothing supportive to say....why are you here? This is a group for people that are in the same situation and like to talk to each other about it. I couldn't care less about past experiences from art critic or anyone else. It is not MY experience and you have no idea what you are talking about when you try to judge my situation. It is a very delicate situation and it is the way that I want it right now. Yes, it is very very disappointing at times, however, I am mature enough to know why and can accept it. Whatever happened in your past, I am truly sorry that it left you such a bitter and opinionated person. You absolutely cannot tell other people that the same will happen to them when you have no idea what the situation is. Why don't you go to the forum for bitter OW who bash all MM and OW. If you were heartbroken, go the heartbroken forum...your rude opinions are not needed here.

 

dont worry about these other people. You have to live your life and learn your own lessons. You have to learn what works for you and what does not work for you. If you love this man, that is how you feel and dont let these people belittle you or your feelings. They are just other humans. They are not God. Dont give there opinions alot of weight. I would not. But think about this relationship. Can it be better? How? What do you really want? Tell him. Dont be afraid. If he cant make you happy baby..leave him. It doesn't have to be dramatic. Just tell him you are not happy and you want to be happy.

[9Lives]

I have never thought that this forum belonged here. I think it's gross that people in affairs cheer each other on in what they're doing.

 

Baby, this is LIFE. You dont have to be a part of this gross forum. Regardless, it will be here. It will continue to happen..It might happen to you as well.

[Art_Critic]

It might happen to you as well.

 

Being an OW is a choice .. it doesn't just happen ..

[9Lives]

Being an OW is a choice .. it doesn't just happen ..

 

yes, a choice that happens all the time.

[Lishy]

May I ask you what is your purpose for coming to this forum? Some of the people here are hurt but not all of the women that are other women are mistreated just so you know. My mm is VERY GOOD TO ME and my kids.

 

I wonder if HIS kids would be so happy that you and your kids are treated so well! ..... I know I wasn't when I caught my dad!

 

What goes around comes around - If I sound judgmental then I am sorry - If you put your hand in a fire, expect to get a burnt hand!

[scarletletter]

I was not going to post or read here anymore due to several reasons but boredom overtook me today and so I began to read more comments. It really is such a shame that some give their opinions but their opinions are based on what has happened to them personally. I mainly came to this forum to talk with others that had the same situation as me and to share feelings, ideas, etc. I did choose my relationship with a mm. I'm not really proud of the choice that I made, but made it anyway and now it is part of my life. Just so that I make myself clear...I really don't want my MM to get a divorce and come to me. That was not the original agreement. It was an EXTRA marital affair, however morally wrong it is. I don't even know that I would want him on a full time basis. All I was trying to say in this post is that I understand how it feels to have to be with someone that you don't love on christmas and not with the man that makes you happy. That is a choice that I made and I have to learn to deal with it in my own way. I am not some crazed young mistress that expects this man to leave his wife and come to me...that was not part of the deal. Whatever happened with his wife happened long before I came along. This is something that we talked about for a long time before we made it happen. He was very up front to tell me that he was NOT planning to leave for a few years, until his kids were older and I told him the same...i am also married. Now he is leaving...something that happened between them or didn't happen between them. I know that she is a good person and a good mother but not necessarily a good wife. My husband could say the same about me. I was just wondering if anyone else felt the same on christmas. It was my first christmas involved in an affair and I know it will go on like this for many holidays to come. People get on here to respond to my question and say...well, get used to it, thats the way it will be! Well, I know that...duh! I was just wanting to share stories with someone in the same situation, not be treated as if I am a dumb ass who doesn't know she's dating someone who has a wife! I wasn't asking for advice or opinions, just to share situations. End of story.

[Owl]

It was my first christmas involved in an affair and I know it will go on like this for many holidays to come.

 

So what's your plan for when your H finds out/figures out about the affair? Again, speaking both from personal experience AND from having been on forums like this for quite some time, it's really inevitable that the truth is going to come out...and more likely sooner than you or your MM would anticipate. Investing yourself emotionally into someone else creates a gap...because you STOP investing in your spouse when you do so. And no matter how daft you feel your H might be, he's very likely to notice that SOMETHING is going on...and that will lead to him doing some PI work and learning the truth.

 

How do you plan on dealing with that?

 

Have you given any thought to going ahead and divorcing your H now, as opposed to waiting til you get caught? It really seems like it's the only fair thing to do...you're no longer in love with him, so why should he be held in this dying relationship any longer? Yes, this would likely make things uncomfortable for you...but think about it if the tables were turned...would you want him to keep you believing that all was well while he was sleeping with someone else? Falling in love with someone else?

 

Why not go ahead and take that step now, rather than later? Again, yes it IS rougher on you to do so now, but it's also a LOT more fair to your H up front...and didn't you marry this man because you loved him at one point?

 

And this would free you up to be with MM sooner. Yes, it would mean you'd have to sort out the family issues...but that's going to happen regardless. Delaying does NOT make it easier...what it does do is create an atmosphere where the WHOLE family can see that Mommy doesn't love Daddy anymore...I know...my kids saw the whole thing in my case.

 

Think about it. Again, I'm not attacking...I'm asking if you've given this any thought.

[Lishy]

That would be far too kind a thing to do!

 

Ahhhhhh I need to un-subscribe to this thread I am so anti affairs that i cannot sit on the fence with these issues. I normally steer well clear of this section.

 

Adios!

[Owl]

Wanted to add this...

 

My wife felt exactly the same thing during HER affair. They were planning on continuing this for YEARS until OUR kids were old enough to be on their own.

 

Interestingly enough, when I 'caught' them, and confronted them, she WAS all set to leave to live with OM. Even knowing that she'd not be able to have the kids live with her for at least a year after that, she was set to go.

 

But when things came to a head just a few days later, OM told her not to come, because she wasn't sure she was ready to break up our family. A month later, and she agreed that she would work on the marriage. That was nearly two years ago...and we're still married. OM is long gone out of the picture now, and she's repeatedly told me and shown me that she's happy she stayed.

 

I'm asking you these questions because I'm curious how much thought you've given on what WILL happen in your case when the affair becomes common knowledge? It WILL happen...it's only a matter of when and how.