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I 'f30' caught my fiancé 'M35' dirty having talks with men on Grindr


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Tigerlily24

Right this is hard to get out, but I need advise because I literally have no one to turn too. Me and my fiancé have been together 13 years. We have 3 kids together and what I thought was a very healthy relationship. I went out to our garage at the weekend and caught him looking a guys on Grindr.
He wouldn't hand over his phone. He was crying hard and told me it was nothing. After a lot of talking he has admitted that he gets of to have dirty talk with men when he is on drugs. He says it's only ever when he is on drugs it triggers something in him and he sets up an account to find a man to talk to. My skin is crawling. He has also told me that he was almost molested by two men in his teenage years in a bathroom and he thinks this could be where it has stemmed from & | thought he was 100% straight.
What does this mean? Has my whole life with him been a lie. I love him so much and I know I should leave but I am so so confused on what to do especially for our kids sake. He said he has never thought any type of way about a guy unless he is high. He has promised never to touch drugs again but I am so unsure what is real and what to do.

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Tigerlily24

Right this is hard to get out, but I need advise because I literally have no one to turn too. Me and my fiancé have been together 13 years. We have 3 kids together and what I thought was a very healthy relationship. I went out to our garage at the weekend and caught him looking a guys on Grindr.
He wouldn't hand over his phone. He was crying hard and told me it was nothing. After a lot of talking he has admitted that he gets of to have dirty talk with men when he is on drugs. He says it's only ever when he is on drugs it triggers something in him and he sets up an account to find a man to talk to. My skin is crawling. He has also told me that he was almost molested by two men in his teenage years in a bathroom and he thinks this could be where it has stemmed from & | thought he was 100% straight.
What does this mean? Has my whole life with him been a lie. I love him so much and I know I should leave but I am so so confused on what to do especially for our kids sake. He said he has never thought any type of way about a guy unless he is high. He has promised never to touch drugs again but I am so unsure what is real and what to do.

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Alpacalia

End it.

No matter what his reasons are, cheating is never acceptable and it is a form of betrayal. It doesn't matter if he was under the influence of drugs or not, he still made the choice to betray your trust and be unfaithful to you. Addiction is a serious issue, but it is not an excuse for cheating.

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stillafool
45 minutes ago, Tigerlily24 said:

He has also told me that he was almost molested by two men in his teenage years in a bathroom and he thinks this could be where it has stemmed from & | thought he was 100% straight.

He probably was molested by those men and becomes aroused just thinking about it.  He has probably also had sex with men behind your back.  I agree you should end it.

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stillafool

Your boyfriend is into men and that's not going to change. He's probably had sex with men also.  I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who desired other men, but that is up to you.

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Tigerlily24

Why would he feel aroused by being molested. I am so confused by this all. I don’t believe he has had sex with man or woman behind my back.

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Wiseman2

Please address the drug problems as well as his other predilections. Does he retreat to the garage to do drugs and masturbate and watch porn? It seems to be accelerating. 

How is your relationship and intimacy? Is he a good father? Please don't be fooled by crocodile tears and stories of trauma. He's doing this to get off with increasingly extreme stimuli. 

Perhaps couples counseling could help. However please stop tolerating the drug use. 

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Tigerlily24

No the drug use is not something that happens often maybe 2/3 times a year. He is a great father and we have always had a great relationship and sex life. I am so so lost I just want this pain to end 

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Tell him you want to work this out in therapy. If he refuses then you ask him to move out. 

There is no such a thing of using drugs only 2 times a year. 

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d0nnivain

I would be devastated.  If he was molested he has unresolved issues about that which need to be addressed.  Call off the wedding.  Perhaps get some counseling but in all honesty I would be out of there.  

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Tigerlily24

He is willing to go to therapy. He is willing to do absolutely anything it takes to make this work. 

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Alpacalia

I, respectfully, am going to go against the grain with your choice to stay with him while he goes to therapy. Therapy is good for couples that want to work on communication. It is not good for people who are proving themselves untrustworthy. 

Sorry for the unpopular opinion but I think you should get yourself and your kids out of there.

Your skin is crawling because this is really, really bad.

Edited by Alpacalia
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happyhorizons
1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

I, respectfully, am going to go against the grain with your choice to stay with him while he goes to therapy. Therapy is good for couples that want to work on communication. It is not good for people who are proving themselves untrustworthy. 

Sorry for the unpopular opinion but I think you should get yourself and your kids out of there.

Your skin is crawling because this is really, really bad.

I agree with this ^^.  I just do not SEE this relationship as a good thing long term.  Something about the whole thing seems cringey.

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stillafool
28 minutes ago, Tigerlily24 said:

He is willing to go to therapy. He is willing to do absolutely anything it takes to make this work. 

Therapy isn't going to squash his desire to have sex with men.

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ExpatInItaly
7 hours ago, stillafool said:

Therapy isn't going to squash his desire to have sex with men.

This. 
There is whole side to him that therapy will not make go away. It seems he's been hiding an awful lot from you, OP

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Tigerlily24

he has told me that it’s never been about sex it’s was more about the chat and finding out what they are in too. I’m not sure what is worse tbh! He said he always feels completely disgusted in himself for doing it after it’s just some thing at the back of his head that is triggered when he is really high and drunk. 

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d0nnivain
12 hours ago, stillafool said:

Therapy isn't going to squash his desire to have sex with men.

It probably won't but it should help him understand why he has this desire & help him process the sexual assault  / abuse he endured as a kid.  That will help him decide if he wants to be married to the OP / mother of his children or if he wants to take his life in another direction.  Right now he's trying to force himself into a conventional straight box but that is not working & it's hurting the OP.  If he's disgusted by his desires there is a lot going on that he's not dealing with.  He will never be at peace until he addresses these deep issues.  

  

Edited by d0nnivain
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Wiseman2

Sounds like he's exploring his sexuality. It's easy to say kick him to the curb, but you have a life and family together. Let him go to therapy. It may not stop his sexual curiosity but it may help your relationship if you feel assured it's a curiosity rather than something he's planning on doing. (Meeting men for sex). Being bi curious has nothing to do with his encounter in the restroom . 

Edited by Wiseman2
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mark clemson

Not everyone feels they have the luxury of being 100% open about everything about themselves, even with a partner/spouse. Clearly this was a big (and quite distressing for you) surprise. You know who he is "more fully" now - and will have to make your decisions WRT what to do based on that and on the totality of your situation as well as what you find you can/can't accept in a partner.

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smackie9

It's not from the drugs and alcohol. He's into men simple as that. He is stepping out of your relationship. He's cheating on you. This is horrible, He's feeling shame and guilt, it's too much to process for the both you with him being discovered, and your whole world being blown apart. 

Have to just accept this is over. He can't fight his urges off. Therapy won't make it go away. pack up the family and leave. Arrange for a lawyer to handle the custody of the kids. I am so sorry you are faced with this. I hope you can seek out some counseling to wrap your head about this. 

Edited by smackie9
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Cali408

Take him back. 1. He goes to therapy. 2. He hands over his phone. 3. He takes WEEKLY drug tests.  Or you leave him.  

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No matter what drugs I would be on or how drunk I was. I would never be with a man.  I would never want to do anything sexual with him.. woman are different they look better. 
‘He’s gay.  He can’t change,  dump him to the curb 

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