Mother in law aggravations

[kathyp]

Hi. If anyone has advice on the following, that's fine. Otherwise, I'd just really appreciate a chance to vent.

 

My mother-in-law REALLY gets on my nerves, and has done so for as long as I have known my husband (16 years; married for 14). My husband finds her difficult, too, and I think he deserves a lot of credit for continuing to try to have some kind of relationship with her in spite of this. He and I vent to each other about her, but I don't want to over-do it and hurt his feelings. I feel that I deserve a LOT of credit, too, for continuing to try to treat her decently and have a relationship with her, but I can't expect my husband to tell me this continually.

 

I adore my husband and don't consider this issue a threat or problem in our marriage. It's just part of the package. I'm utterly mystified by how a trying person like her managed to raise a wonderful, loving man like my husband.

 

For starters, she will belch while looking right at you and not bother to say "excuse me", turn her head, or make any other attempt at politeness. You can imagine how this looks during a long Thanksgiving meal! If she doesn't like what is served, or if it's not cooked to death, she will say so without any attempt at politeness - whether we are eating in a restaurant, or having something home-cooked by someone who is present to hear the criticism.

 

This year it so happened that we spent both Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day with my mother-in-law, instead of with my parents. Both times we had to go to an IHOP because that's the only restaurant we have ever taken her to that she seemed to like. Both times HORRIBLE service, LOUSY food, NOISY, THOROUGHLY UNPLEASANT. But she found problems even with that. The first IHOP disappointed her on Thanksgiving because her side order of potatoes did not taste the same as they did at another IHOP location a year ago. (This seems completely ridiculous to me. IHOP is a big anonymous restaurant chain - you'll never convince me that they don't fix all of their food by the gallon, exactly the same way.) So on Christmas Day, we went to the same IHOP location where the potatoes had tasted right to her. Of course, she claimed they didn't taste the same. Oh, also, she barely touched the tossed salad because it was not chopped up fine enough. And of course, the belching.

 

My parents make a fairly big deal of both these holidays. My mother-in-law doesn't even put up a Christmas tree or any kind of decoration. She doesn't give us gifts, which is fine and understandable, because she is on a very limited income. But if we try to give her a gift, even something no-frills, basic, practical, she just complains because she isn't giving us anything in return. I'm not a particularly religious or sentimental person, but I have just found it REALLY depressing this year to spend both of these 2 big holidays with someone who just treats them like any other day.

 

My mother-in-law doesn't have a lot of formal education. This by itself is not a problem to me. People can be ignorant, but not stupid. By this I mean that it's possible for a person to not get very far in school, but you can easily tell by listening to them they have a good mind and take an interest in the world. The difference with my mother-in-law is that she doesn't know much, has no idea how much she doesn't know, and has no interest in learning about anything - current events, local politics, etc. She very seldom asks questions in a conversation. She pretty much tells the same stories over and over - family gossip, the same complaints about her health or terrible medical stories about other family members' problems, or nonsense about celebrities she heard on TV. (Mind you, she doesn't want to actually VISIT any of these family members in person - just communicates through occasional phone calls or cards. Not suprisingly, none of her grandkids are particularly eager to be in contact with her very often. Three of her grandkids have gotten married in the last 9 years. She did not attend a single one of these weddings, despite being invited, and despite repeated offers from us and other family members to pick her up and give her a ride to these events.) Of course what she remembers from TV is mostly the lurid, attention-getting, simple-minded stuff. Doesn't seem to really want to hear much about our lives or ask what's really going on with us. If we try to share something with her about one of our hobbies, she just stares at us, lets us finish the story, and changes the subject to something that does interest her. We do our best to keep the conversation going by asking her about her health, her friends, etc.

 

My mother-in-law is just very different from my own mother. My parents are not perfect either. But they taught us some very basic things about courtesy, such as chewing with your mouth closed; taking part in or trying to show an interest in activities with family even when they don't personally interest you, just to share some family time and show support; trying to make pleasant conversation with relatives and family even if you don't have much in common; and judiciously applying the rule of "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything". Maybe some people would call this behavior phony or "keeping up appearances". When it's taken to extremes, maybe. But to me, this is just basic kindness and sensitivity, trying to keep things "flowing" and reasonably pleasant. My mother-in-law is just so quick to complain, and so slow to say ANYTHING positive.

 

My mother-in-law seems to think that any type of ettiquette or good manners are phony, show-offy, "stuck-up" - like extending your pinky finger when you lift a teacup. If I thought it would do a bit of good, I'd haul off and tell her that manners don't cost a thing. Both of my parents grew up poor, but they learned basic politeness and courtesy.

 

I suspect that my mother-in-law may have some genuine mental / emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, mild agoraphobia, maybe some problems with depth perception and reflexes, etc. (I'm not trained in counseling or mental health - this is just a layperson's guess.) I know she does struggle with arthritis, she doesn't hear well, and has uncomfortable dentures.

 

I think she suffers from isolation, too, but so far we have not been able to persuade her to do anything that might make this better. She lives in a tiny town about 30 minutes from us. Eventually she will have to stop living on her own, and probably move much closer to us. But for now she seems content to make this process as difficult as possible by putting off even thinking about or planning to move, and to waffle back and forth about whether she would actually be willing to move, or give up driving, and to dream up imaginary problems and obstacles to moving.

 

She has no hobbies and doesn't seem interested in taking up any. She doesn't read books, doesn't volunteer in the community or the schools, travel, play bridge or bunco, doesn't exercise or attend church or go to the senior center or belong to any type of club. Just keeps house and watches TV. Obviously she should be free to do whatever she wants with her own time. But it gets TIRING trying to make conversation with a person who does so little with her time. It mystifies me how she can be content to do so little.

 

It seems to be getting harder on me to spend time with her. Usually I am depressed and out of sorts for about 24 hours after visiting her. She spent over a week with us about 2 years ago right after her second husband / my husband's stepfather died. I had never been around a grieving or recently bereaved person before, and it was EXTREMELY difficult for me. (About three months later, I began psychotherapy for anxiety. Coincidence? ) I have sometimes considered not going along with my husband when he visits her, just to "protect myself" emotionally and avoid feeling terrible after visiting her. (I do make an effort to call her on the phone once a week to check on her.) But I'm afraid that if I didn't go, my husband might find an excuse not to go either.

 

My mother-in-law's saving grace is that she truly does not have a mean bone in her body. She is not malicious or manipulative. I think she is just REALLY, REALLY insensitive - UNABLE to be sensitive, rather than CHOOSING not to be sensitive to others. If she WERE hateful on top of all of her other negative qualities, she would truly be "toxic".

 

If my mother-in-law told her side of the story, she might have a lot of complaints about me, too. I do my best to behave respectfully with her, even if I can't muster any real affection. She has three sons, no daughters, so I think she would like me to be more like her biological daughter.

 

Thanks for listening.

[whichwayisup]

She isn't going to change, she's set in her ways...You're doing good by bending and making things easier because of your efforts! Keep on doing that, not only for you, but for your whole family. I understand you want your husband to say he appreciates that effort (he knows, trust me! He just isn't going to say it too often as men are like that, he knows you're keeping the peace!) but be happy within yourself!! Just think how yukky it would be if you stopped making that extra effort?

 

She is your mom-in-law, she isn't your mom. Don't compare the relationships, and most of all many MIL-DIL relationships are not "friendships" very rarely does that happen. I think you're doing well, so try not to worry about all the little things that drive you crazy! I know it's easier said than done, but just know inside she does love you as her daughter inlaw. Keep positive and again, let the little things go. Most of what upsets us isn't worth reacting to.

 

Hope that helps.

[lilmoma1973]

 

You know i can so relate to you on the inlaws they really can be a big pain in the ass!! My mil can say the meanest things to me and drives me crazy !!! She wants to watch that movie Monster inlaw and i said it is good and that mil is the mil from hell maybe after she sees it she will see how i feel about her !! Doubt it!! I think she thrives on being mean to me it makes her day!! Her mother told me when i started dating my h that to watch her because she can be devious and mean and coniving!! I can so relate to that movie and have it on DVD!!

[Thinkalot]

Wow- i think you are doing so well! My hat goes off to you...and i can really empathise with how tough that must be.

I dont get in well with my MIL- but she is NOTHING like what you have described- so i can only imagine.

I guess keep doing what you are doing and minimise visits if you have to to protect your own emotional well being.

[Woggle]

Are there any women that get along with there mother in law?

[lilmoma1973]

Are there any women that get along with there mother in law?

 

 

Probably but very few and im not one that gets along with mil!!!

[Thinkalot]

I suppose it happens. My husband's ex-wife apparently was good friends with his mum. That hasnt happened for me though, and for some time i felt quite insecure that she had got on better with his ex-wife. I dont care now though- I tried hard with her and didnt get much back in return, so now I dont offer much either, and we have a pleasant, but not close at all, relationship. Sadly, I also am hanging on to some old hurts, and am trying to let them go, along with the anger which accompanies them.