Susan1551 Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 My boyfriend of two years still gives gifts to his ex. I told him that bothered me & he said he's "tapering off". But it was a $90 gift. That's not an impersonal cheap in my eyes. He says he feels obligated because she gives him & his son gifts for their birthdays & Christmas. I then asked, so what what you're telling me is that you will continue to give her gifts as long as she gives you gifts? He said yes. Well, that just plain sucks for me. You see, I know for a fact she still wants him back. She's even told him so. She hasn't been with her for two and a half years now!! If she was going to back off on the gift giving, she'd have done it by now. Here's the kicker, I work with both of them. He's the CEO of the company. Everyone around the office knows that she's head over heels for him - borderline obsessed & she loves to advertise how well she knows him & how close they are. Because he wanted to keep their relationship private no one ever came out & admited they were dating the other, but with as much as they did together - all advertised by her - everyone pretty much knew something was going on. Now he's dating me. She doesn't know he & I are dating. Neither does anyone else. I've honored his wishes to keep it private so their aren't rumors like there were (and still are) about them. I personally don't want her reputation so I don't mind keeping my private life private. However, she constantly makes me uncomfortable because she literally seeks me out just to talk about him. Sometimes I think she's trying to fish & see if there is anything between us, but mostly I think it's to reaffirm her "territory" cause since they don't do anything together anymore, she has nothing to "brag" about - she just finds some excuse to bring him up. With the birthday gift, he let me know that he bought her one & he was taking her out to lunch to give it to her. I told him that made me uncomfortable & he said he tried to find the easiest way to give it to her without giving it to her after hours since that would require him to give it to her at her place or her come over to his. I told him she'll probably show it off to me & he was surprised that i thought she'd still do that stuff. I said she's dying to show off any type of connection she still has with you - I guarantee you she'll show me. Sure enough, I was in his office & she comes prancing in there just to show me the gift. She's like - doesn't he have good taste? I just smiled & said, it's beautiful - while a fist grew in my stomach. That was not a comfortable moment for me. I'm dreading going back to work to hear what he got her for Christmas. I just don't want to hear it. Not that it makes it okay, but at least he told me about her birthday gift - cause I would have been pissed if she walked in there & blind-sided me with her ooohhhs & ahhhhs over her gift & I didn't know anything about it! In an ironic twist, he knows full well since she loves "bragging" about whatever he does or gets for her, I'd hear it anyway so nothing like that would ever get past me. Am I just being overly jealous? I love him & I'm serious about him. We've been going strong for two years solid & this year he even met my entire family for Christmas. When should the ex gift giving stop? I would like to ask him to end it. Any advice?
Craig Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 Well it doesn't sound appropriate that he would potentially give her false hope (it is false hope isn't it?) about the potential for a future reconciliation. Or it may be possible that she is obsessed to the point of being a concern to him. Who knows what kind of damage a disordered personality might do to him? You'll only know the real answer by asking him.
country gal Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 i'm sorry that i dont have much advice for you, but i will say that its very inappropriate of her to give gifts and very inconsiderate of your man to give gifts to her (inconsiderate for you - and for her if it truly is false hope) - no matter what size gift in my book, but rediculous to spend those kind of dollars. i would definately make it clear to him how uncomfortable it makes you feel and how inconsiderate the act is for you. for me that would be his warning and then if my man wouldnt cut that type of bs, i'd be out the door. look, i understand attachment to kids involved in hte relationship but break ups are break ups and unfortunately our relationships wiht those kids are often times a casualty of that, but 1) we consider that before we get very involved nad 2) we cut ties as easily as possible but eventually there comes a time when ties are cut - and we deal with it! he needs to move on. this relationship - wiht her and her kid- are not in the past at this point.
FireReady Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 On the other hand... If the relationship remains platonic and there is no threat of it ever going beyond where it's at, there's no reason why to stop being friends. And friends get one another gifts. Just looking at it from the devil's advocate. So long as it's not harmful nor selfish, and so long as you're involved in his ongoings, it shouldn't be a problem, in my humble opinion. Also, on a different note, you should take a look at girlstalkaboutitall.com it's rather interesting.
country gal Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 On the other hand... If the relationship remains platonic and there is no threat of it ever going beyond where it's at, there's no reason why to stop being friends. And friends get one another gifts. yes, however, it doesnt seem like this other chick views their relationship as simply platonic friendship. it appears to be something more to her and tahts what makes all this inappropriate. i would wonder why he continues to give gifts to a woman whom he knows has more than platonic attachment to him. imho.
clandestinidad Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 I agree that this is inappropriate. Maybe it would help you feel better if you went and picked it out WITH him?? That way, youre a part of it and its not like he's buying a secret, meaningful gift for his ex. Anyway, she shouldnt be giving him gifts, he shouldnt be giving them to her unless he gives them to everyone in the office, he shouldnt be taking her out to lunch to give her a gift, etc etc. also, he needs to tell her that he's been seeing someone for a long time, and she needs to stop w/ the gifts and everything
Tankgirl Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Inappropriate! He should not give her gifts, not even a $2 dollar one. It is not platonic if she still wants him back. Period. Keeping a two year relationship a secret whilst still giving 90$ gifts to the ex everyone knows is a massive red flag. My exboyfriend of 5 years and I broke up in June. While he continues to send birthday and christmas gifts to my daughter, I asked him polietly to stop sending anything for ME, it is innappropriate for him to send me gifts and for me to accept them, not to mention disrespectful to my current relationship. Just my two cents. Good Luck!
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