kausal Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 Hello. I'm new. I cannot believe there are so many Other Women (& OM) out there. Isn't it funny my thoughts when reading everyone else's posts are that you all deserve better and you all deserve more but I have 1,001 excuses and reasons and explanations to justify why my situation is "different". Help? I am ashamed because by nature I am not a stupid or unintelligent person and yet that is exactly how I'm going to sound when I detail the situation I'm in. Anyway here I go. I am 26 and am involved with a married man who, for about 100 reasons, is totally the wrong person for me. 1) He is my boss, 2) He is much older, 3) He has had affairs before, 4) He knows how second-rate and insignificant our 'relationship' makes me feel and he has said he should walk away and set me free but he can't, 5) We have both told each other we love each other, and 6) I am in recovery from anorexia. Last year around Feb I suffered a relapse and this man, my boss, just went so far above and beyond his call of duty as my employer that in the end, though it sounds melodramatic, he saved my life. He talked to me about my weight loss and he listened to me and he really heard me. For the first time in 12 years I felt understood. He spent every lunch hour with me helping me eat a little and he is the firm's managing partner so he didn't really have that time to spare. He always complimented and encouraged me, telling me I am nice and popular and deserving and he often said how attractive I would be with some weight on me. He promised me that he will make sure I recover once and for all. He never gave up on me. He never indulged my head when it said I will never get better and I don't deserve to get better. He was my advocate in the office and really changed people's perceptions of what anorexia really is. It was him who convinced me to go back into the hospital (voluntarily). I went on indefinite leave from my job, went into hospital for 5 and 1/2 months and he came and saw me all the time. I could call him in tears at any time (well in office hours .. never when he was at home .. no I didn't hear the alarm bells ringing at that point, wish I did). He would never make me feel like a burden or like I was a crazy person even if I was asking him to reassure me that a wrapped chocolate bar could not contaminate an unopened bottle of diet coke with calories if they were in the same bag as each other. After hospital I had some more time off then returned to my job in about March this year. Our relationship had changed. I was far better physically in terms of the illness but just as bad if not worse mentally which he knew and understood. He remained a huge support for me. But I didn't see him as the boss and he knew it and he also didn't see me as an employee. I didn't really have the need to spend all my time with him anymore though but I still did because I felt in some ways obligated because he has given so much of his time. Anyway this is all pretty irrelevant. The fact is our relationship moved from just friends to way more than that. We slept with each other for the first time in around April / May this year and as time has gone on we have grown closer and closer. He says he loves me and I say the same because I do love him. I have always known he was married and because of that plus our ages plus his being my boss, I knew from the start that any relationship we had would never have a future. His leaving his wife for me is totally not even a possibility and never has been and never will be and truthfully that's something I support as well. I feel terrible now though because I need him more than I can have him and I want (just a bit) more than what he can give me, and yet I knew what I was getting into when this started. At the beginning, his being married really didn't bother me so much in terms of feeling like he was treating me second-rate and slotting me in around her. I didn't feel jealous because I didn't love him. I didn't care that I couldn't contact him on weekends if I wanted to or needed to. I never really thought much about him sleeping with his wife, we never really talked about his wife. Now I can't cope at all with his being married, I feel so jealous, and his time restrictions leave me feeling like I belong on the sidelines and I alternate between feeling resentful and bitter and angry to feeling low and alone and depressed. The irony is he knows my illness (which physically-wise I am doing ok, not great, but ok, at the moment) is about how little I like myself and he wants to fix this so much yet this relationship we have really leaves me liking myself even less. He desperately wants me to be happy but lately he is the reason I'm not feeling happier. I tell him how I feel, we talk about everything, and he always says that just because he has obligations and responsibilities at home doesn't mean I am less important to him. But if he knows how awful it makes me feel to be alone here while he is at home loving it up with his wife but continues to let me feel bad without doing anything about it then he mustn't really be telling me the truth when he tries to convince me I deserve better. I say to him, Look maybe I just don't deserve better, I am such a crap person and he denies that is true but every single one of his actions says the opposite. If I don't deserve to be on the sidelines then why does he leave me on the sidelines? I really want to get out of this relationship but I'm clueless and terrified and I don't know how to do it. There are some aspects of the reationship I still want like the close friendship. But the sadness of every other aspect of the relationship is making me feel awful. If I end it with him then I'm sure it will be no big deal to him. He says that I would leave a big hole in his life but the fact is that in his home life I don't exist. Without me in his life, his lifestyle would not actually change at all. He calls the shots about when we get time together and it is always based around his wife and family stuff (she keeps a tight leash on him because of his past affairs I think??). But without him in my life, my life would change. Losing him would be losing a LOT. I don't know what to do.
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