broken hearted and confused

[Ginarose]

I have been in a relationship for 5+ years; I was engaged to be married until, a few months ago when my fiancé decided to call off the wedding. He claims he is confused and wants his independence. He claims he still loves me and does not want to hurt me. However, he insists that he needs to experience living on his own and being independent before he can really commit to marriage. Does anyone have any advice?

[monkeybars]

It's what I wished I had done when my ex-fiance cancelled the wedding. Leave, go now, move on, live life, forget about him.

 

If he wants you he will come find you-let him go for now-if you stay with him, you will always be wondering.

 

You have been demoted from future wife, to maybe girlfriend--don't do that to yourself-if he thinks he can live life just fine without you, by all means, let him.

[Ginarose]

I guess it is easier said than done. I am really trying to be strong and move on. after calling and talking things over, I have realized that there is nothing I can do to change things. He has made his decision which has hurt me deeply and there is nothing that I can say or do to change that. I can honestly say that I have tried everything in hope that he would change his mind. I know that I have to be strong and respect myself. He insists that it is nothing that I did wrong and he claims that there is no one else. It is his independence he simply wants.

[Ginarose]

I would appreciate some feedback from a male .

[BUTAFLY]

This person does love you ...loves you enough to let you go. I know it sounds strange but he wants you to have the best and he knows he can not give that to you right now. I do believe people need to become their own person/ find themselves before they are able to give apart of them to anyone else. I'm guessing you two are young (early 20's)? why do something your not ready for. Plus you will be happier in the long run when/if he comes back or you will find someone who is on the same page your on.

do you want him five years from know resenting you because he felt trapped in a marriage he doesnt not want to be in. or have affairs behind your back?

This is a very smart ,mature decision he made.

[Ginarose]

i am so confused and feel so many diferent emotions ( anger, sadness, etc). I feel that one minute we were planning our future and the next minute I am planning my future. I understand that he wants to experience being independent but I guess that it is just hard for me to step aside and not be part of his life He has said that he wants for us to remain friends but I am not sure how to respond to that .

[skeptik224]

I'm in a similar situation. My ex and I broke up because she's never been single. She went from one 9 year relationship right into an 8 1/2 year - right into me. When we started to get very serious, she freaked out and ran the other way. (she'll even admit that) She said she needed to be free, party, learn and grow...she's never been alone. I agree that this is a good decision on your ex-fiance's part. You wouldn't want him to regret things down the line and resent you for it. Give him the space that he needs, be patient and if you guys do talk, do not bring up the relationship. Let him realize what he lost. You work on you - become that person he fell in love with - the real you. Then, and only then, will you guys be able to have any kind of relationship - friendship, dating or whatever. I'm hoping things work out for you...

[Ginarose]

I appreciate the advice. This is such a hurtful situation. I keep busy all day but at nights I fell very lonely and have trouble sleeping. I am determined to try the NC because I know that is what I should do. He called me after the one day NC and honestly, I was so happy to hear from him. We simply talked about our days and did not bring up our relationship topic at all. Since then it has been two days without NC and it has been so challenging to refrain from calling . Every morning I ask god for strenght and guidance so that I may overcome yet, another challenge in my life.

 

skeptik224 did you get back together with your girlfriend? Are you still friends?

[soft heart]

Can I ask how old you both are? I know how painful it must be for you!!! But look at it in a positive way: imagine you two would get married, have children and he then told you that he wants to be on his own because he hasn't experienced his life without you enough?? I know that at the moment your mind is clouded with all the painful emotions you are feeling but I think it's for the best that he told you sooner than later. Don't you think?

 

He was being honest with you and I think the best thing you can do is to let him go. Do not force him to be with you because if a man is with you because he has to be or because he is feeling sorry for you, than you will never ever be happy. He needs to be with you because it's 100% his decision and he feels it in his heart that you are the one for him. Maybe he got scared and he looked into the future and thought for himself that maybe it's too soon to be tight down like this. Maybe he realised that he hasn't seen the world yet before getting married.

 

I know that it hurts like hell, but really the best thing you can do is to let him go. Either with time you will get together or you will move on and with time you yourself realise that maybe you both made a wise decision. Normally when someone decides that they are not ready, it's because they have been thinking about it for some time. That's why it's always so hard for the other person because they are shocked. They haven't been prepared for it. But maybe you need to forget about his mind and instead think about your own life.

 

You know when I was younger, I met a guy who loved me to death. He would have done anything for me and he was so sure I was the one. After about 2 years of going out he proposed but did I realise what the ring meant? For him it meant a life commitment, future, children, responsibilities of a family and so on.. for me it meant - hm that's a nice ring and so shiny.. maybe it could be nice to get married but my God I am still so young, I am not sure is this the guy for me? I am scared what if.. I don't think I am ready.. I want to have fun.. I am too young to settle. And after 5 years of being together I gave him the ring back because I knew I wasn't ready and I knew that he deserved someone who will love him back as much as he did love me. I was 22 I think when he proposed and today I am 27 and I am happy I made that decision because I know that he wasn't the guy for me even though I loved him and I cared for him deeply. but thank God I was sensible enough to stop it soon.

 

I know that this is not what you want to hear but I think it's best to be realistic in a situation like this because a marriage is a huge step at least for some. It doesn't mean a house with a beatiful garden and a beatiful ring and beautiful children only. Marriage means more than that and it's not easy. That's why I think people should think about this step twice or even three times before they make that step because getting divorced when children are involved is not easy!!!

 

and if someone says they are confused, it's usually because they are not ready to commit and they are still not sure if that's what they want. That's why they are urgently asking for an independence because they suddenly feel the urge to be alone and free. I felt the same way with my ex-fiance. I know I hurt him terribly but in the long run I think it was for the best.

 

Be strong and love yourself.

[kjo314]

I am suffering from the same kind of thing...

 

 

BUT

 

What if you messed up?? What if you became too clingy and they decided that they want to be alone and independant because they don't know what they want beacuse you are trying too hard (aka. being clingy) and they just don't feel like they can measure up and make you happy...but yet they say they still love you on the phone????

 

Should I tell her that I know I messed up and that she can have her independence (this is a long-distance relationship) and I will stop being so clingy so that she can do that. Should I tell her that I will not do the same amount of stuff I used to for her??? Or what do I do? I have this feeling that she still loves me I know she does.... but .... I was too clingy and I don't know what to do now.

 

I realized this was do to my own self-esteem and trust issues. I have since worked these issues out. She has yet to contact me to discuss this in a month. The one time she called she got upset because she said she still loved me and cared about me a lot and that there was still a hope for us.

 

I know that I can love her the way she wants to be loved right now. I know the I don't know where she needs to be 24/7 to love her and for her to love me. I know that I don't have to take care of everything for her to show her I love her. When she said fundamental differences i think she meant that i took care of her too much and she wants to do stuff on her own. I didn't understand this and now I do.

 

What do I do with this new information I have obtained through my self reflection share it with her immieadiately via a letter or e-mail or wait until she is ready to hear it if she is ever????

[Ginarose]

Thank you all for your advice, I truly appreciate it. I will take the advice and ove on. I will respect his decision and allow time to tell. This forum has provided me with some strenght and guidance .

[Unregi]

This is coming from the other side. My woman and I have been together since we were both about 17(I'm 26 now). Before we got together I felt like I found my true love and then she moved away. Then my current girl called me up one night I came over and she told me that she really liked me. We ended up having sex. I stayed over and left the next morning for work. I called her the next day at work. At some time she ended up moving in with me at my parents house after we graduated. Then we bought a house together when I was 19 almost 20. She had nagged me about a ring and I gave in and got her one. It was kind of a turn-off how she approached it. She wanted to set a date, but I never felt comfortable about it for some reason and wasn't ready. I feel like I never had a connection with her like my previous girl, but that was with my first love. So I tried to focus on the current situation. We've always got along pretty good. I'm a good guy, she's a good person. Very motherly, cooks for me, does things with me, very sexual. She can be insecure at times, and has had trust issues with me and maybe I can't blame her sometimes I feel I can't trust myself(is this my man genes?, but I fight it). The only thing I ever did was when we were together for like the first month my old girl came in town for a few days and I went to be with her. I know this is bad, I was 17 though and my first love. So after she left town again, of course we got back together. I know that's messed up too. This is the only thing that has ever happened and I haven't seen/talked to the old girl ever since. So my current girl wore the engagement ring for a while and eventually gave it back and told me to give it to her when I was ready. It seems like since the first time I gave her the ring cause she bit@hed about it and it turned me off I still never felt comfortable about proposing. I seemed to want everything to be perfect and true to me first. A few years go by and she asks me to marry her which makes sense she really really loves me. Although we're on vacation with friends and I had been drinking since noon and it was midnite. Apparently I told her what she wanted to hear. The next morning she was talking to me about it and I acted like I didn't remember. That was about 6 months ago and eversince then we have been having problems. Of course she isn't happy because we're into our late 20's she's been with me for so long and no commitment from me. I started feeling like she just wasn't doing it for me anymore. Maybe she never really was I don't know, she tried. I always kept trying to overcome my doubts, fears, and uncertainties, which drug on the relationship. I wanted it to work. She tells me she loves me so much. How can I let that go? I feel like a horrible person. I ended up moving out a month ago. She gave me my ulitimatum the other night and I declined. I think if I was totally in to her I would have gotten married. I don't think I am scared of commitment or marriage. I want to find that special true love, which she thinks she has. I wish I had the same exact feelings as her. I know I can't do this to her anymore. In some ways I feel our relationship never started properly and never grew properly I feel like I never totally let her into my heart. Sometimes I got the feeling like she was forcing me to love her and I think that turned me off and my love never grew naturally. I still don't know what to do. This is very hard for me. I know she loves me and I know she hurts really bad. I guess it's for the best though. If it's meant to be maybe we'll find each other later. Another thought is that I've never been on my own(ever). Although I'm very scared to be alone and fear being lonely. Maybe it's what I need. Any thoughts or comments would be great.