johan Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 In your current relationship or in past relationships, are there things you never told them? Example: Let's say you broke up and thought it was truly over. Some months later maybe you discovered it was NOT really over, and all the feelings were still there. You would hope the ex would be smart enough not to ask what you did while you were apart. But if they do, do you owe it to them to tell all?
d'Arthez Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 I would not mind telling, if I would end up in such a situation. But then again, I do not have the tendency to do something stupid in the meantime anyway. "Shocking" things? Yes - but as I am quite set in most of my ways, even watching a bad movie may be considered that .
Author johan Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 Let me clarify. In my example, I'm talking about an ill-advised rebound. Do you owe it to the ex to offer the truth? If they ask out of insecurity, do you feel obligated to tell all?
d'Arthez Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 I would tell if asked. But I am also aware of the consequences it would have on any prospect of re-establishing the relation. Keeping these things a secret is not something I could easily do, even if there was no chance of the ill-advised rebound to be part of my life again. Better to tell when asked for than letting it escape accidentally in a moment of thoughtlessness, or as a slip of the tongue of some sorts. You broke up once before, so it would not be the end of the world if there was no second chance, IMO.
Author johan Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 I don't know. It seems like when you're not together, dating is part of what happens. Staying home alone isn't the best way to deal with it. If you're out with friends, sometimes you meet someone or get set up with someone. You might kiss that person or more. Dating is sometimes what is required to make you realize that the ex is the one you really do want. So I don't think it's wrong to date. I do think it's wrong to lie, but if your ex is an insecure person, she's going to be driven to ask questions that she should already know the answers to. Things happen. That should be enough said. I wouldn't feel obligated to provide more detail, just to satisfy someone's compulsive curiosity.
Author johan Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 You haven't gone back?! No. But you know I have feelings for her. This is hypothetical.
Outcast Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 I do think it's wrong to lie, but if your ex is an insecure person, she's going to be driven to ask questions that she should already know the answers to. Things happen. That should be enough said. I wouldn't feel obligated to provide more detail, just to satisfy someone's compulsive curiosity. Better yet, get involved with someone else entirely; preferably someone who won't act that way. Couples who break up once or twice or a dozen times clearly don't mesh together easily and well so the best bet if you're in a relationship that breaks up is to simply not go back.
Author johan Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 Better yet, get involved with someone else entirely; preferably someone who won't act that way. Couples who break up once or twice or a dozen times clearly don't mesh together easily and well so the best bet if you're in a relationship that breaks up is to simply not go back. You may be right, but you're off topic.
Outcast Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 Too bad If you ask for instructions on how to jump off a bridge, I shan't supply them. Rather, I'll suggest you rethink the bridge-jumping-off plan.
Author johan Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 Too bad If you ask for instructions on how to jump off a bridge, I shan't supply them. Rather, I'll suggest you rethink the bridge-jumping-off plan. You know that people will jump regardless. You can't prevent most of the jumps, but you can often better use that energy to soften the landing. Sometimes that's the kind of help people need. After all, you don't really know that the jump is the wrong decision.
Tangerina Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 In my humble opinion, lying never helps anything.... sure telling the truth causes problems and can even ruin relationships if you have to tell the truth about something sticky, but at least you aren't living in a dream world based on false information. Actually, I think lying is pretty uch the worst thing you can do to someone you care about. I am not talking about little lies like "geez, I don't know who ate the last cookie"... Whatever! But lying about important stuff that matters to the other person is never the right thing to do and will ultimately cause more problems than telling the truth... because you will feel guilty, or they will find out or whatever... or even if no one finds out do you really want to be lying to someone that you are supposed to be caring for?
Author johan Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 Ok, I think everyone agrees on what you should do. And I agree. But we're all anonymous here. Does anyone have any secrets they are carrying around? I mean most of what I gather is that people aren't just theorizing about the burden of guilt and the risk of letting the secret slip. It's experience speaking. For instance, I never told my ex that I had slept with a married woman before we started dating. I knew she wouldn't take that well. I just told her that that woman and I had a friendship that went too far, and I cut it off when I got uncomfortable with it. All true. But the details would have been counterproductive. When she asked about it, I lied. It didn't happen while we were together, so it wasn't really any of her business.
Thinkalot Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 I was also about to ask if you'd got back together! But since that question has been answered, let me stick to the topic ... I would have to tell all. I tell the truth rather compulsively, and it doesnt always serve me well. I cannot lie, or keep secrets. I may have omitted some tiny details on occassion I suppose, or perhaps not brought up a subject if i thought it was going to hurt my partner etc. but on the whole, like i said, i feel compelled to speak the truth. I feel I must somehow be an open book and I think sometimes I tell the whole truth almost as a test- a test that my partner will still accept me knowing the whole truth. So while i do not think it is always advisable to tell all about things you did when you were both apart, the fact of the matter is, i'd say , knowing me, that I would. Even though, it shouldn't be necessary to do so. And Johan, you know I also compulsively ask questions about everything to do with my husband, and did so before we married, to the detriment and near ruin of our relationship. So I would be one of those people questioning you to the death, out of my obsessive need (OCD) and my insecurity, fears etc etc. Not good. And further to that, prior to us marrying, i did reveal past sexual details to my partner which he had a huge amount of trouble dealing with. He is extremely moral and can be quite judgemental in that area (he knows that)...and he flew right of the handle, yelled all sorts of things and actually broke up with me, because of something he learnt about my past, which by the average persons standards, probably isnt even that shocking. (I have never cheated on a partner for example). In the end, we went to a counsellor together and addressed his issues and worked through it and came out the other side stronger. Even so , that episode was very damaging at the time, and even now, still sometimes causes the odd bit of discomfort for us both. In the reverse, i am also guitly of judging his sexual past (at a younger age, before he adopted his current moral standing) and freaking out about it. When, bottom line, neither of us has a right to judge like that, nor is it any of our business to know, and it would probably be better if we didnt know. Does that mean, that if i was ever starting a new relationship, I would not tell all? Perhaps, I might have learnt a lesson. Then again, given my tell the truth compulsion, outlined above, i would probably still tell all the major details of my life and past relationships etc. I would also probably be testing the other person on some level, to make sure, they accept me...all of me, and all of my past. I know that's probably silly, because we are all human, and the past is the past,and can sometimes cause issues, but thats me. And I am full of issues anyway..lol
seachange Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 Ok, I think everyone agrees on what you should do. And I agree. But we're all anonymous here. Does anyone have any secrets they are carrying around? I mean most of what I gather is that people aren't just theorizing about the burden of guilt and the risk of letting the secret slip. It's experience speaking. For instance, I never told my ex that I had slept with a married woman before we started dating. I knew she wouldn't take that well. I just told her that that woman and I had a friendship that went too far, and I cut it off when I got uncomfortable with it. All true. But the details would have been counterproductive. When she asked about it, I lied. It didn't happen while we were together, so it wasn't really any of her business. My ex did the exact same thing. He also said, when I eventually did find out about it and was kind of upset, that it wasn't any of my business anyway. But from my point of view, considering they were still in contact - plus I was feeling particularly insecure because my exH had cheated on me - I sort of felt like yeah, it's kind of my business. I thought I had a right to know that stuff: not only that he'd sleep with a married woman, but more that he felt like there wasn't anything wrong with it and it was totally fine to keep it from me indefinitely - that really bothered me. I guess I felt like that was a pretty big thing - especially given my own history. Which is why he didn't tell me, but the secret-keeping drove a bigger wedge between us than if he'd just come clean. As for my own secrets? Well, I didn't really have any from that ex. More recently, there's a new guy I've sort of started seeing, and I haven't told him everything about that ex yet (specifically, he doesn't know how intense/significant the relationship was for me). It's early days, so I don't want to burden either of us by telling him all about it. But I think if we get serious, I will. I guess I just don't much like secrets. They make my brain hurt.
confusedgeek Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 mmm.... I guess ill answer this one. Since it's anonymous forum, I can post with relative safety of this. I lie about things all the time for my benefit and for others. I can't answer lying to someone im dating because well, ive never had a date before. But as far as lying in relationships, I do that all the time. One year, for one reason or another, lots of bad things were happening to my family. At the time, my parents were putting me through college. One of my parents past away, and money turned into an issue for pay for funeral costs. That was a rough year. So, I decided to leave college, get a job and support myself, just so it was less of a hassle for my surviving parent. I told my parent that i graduated from college and she didnt have to worry about paying for my education anymore. My surviving parent was happy about it. It was less stress. Money wise and for everything that was going on in the mind. It made my only parent believe that everything is going well. The thing is i lied about graduating. But if it made my only parent happy, so be it. It is a lie, its one hell of a big one. But it is something I've had to do and i dont have any regrets doing it except for not completing my schooling. I dont plan on letting my parent know either, but if she finds out, then i'll explain, but not until then. - Confused Geek
Fun2BMe Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Better yet, get involved with someone else entirely; preferably someone who won't act that way. Couples who break up once or twice or a dozen times clearly don't mesh together easily and well so the best bet if you're in a relationship that breaks up is to simply not go back. I disagree. Usually when a couple gets back together after a breakup, it is because their feelings were so strong that they were unable to be apart. Usually but of course not always, the second time around will be better, both will make a bigger effort to not screw things up knowing that it can end. I know a few married couples including my sister who got back together after a break up and things turned out better, even though her now husband had "cheated" (dated others) while they were broken up. In fact they broke up many times and now have the strongest marriage of anyone I know of. Usually, the more you break up and then come back together, the stronger the feelings become. As far as the original question, although I am all for honesty, in this scenerio I would do a "don't ask, don't tell" thing. I would not want to know if he dated other women while we were apart. It would be justified since we were broken up and theoretically there were no plans of us having a future together, but I would choose not to know about it. Like wise, I would prefer for him not to ask me about it either, even if he suspected I dated others during the time apart, it would naturally be hurtful to many to hear about it. Some are indifferent and wouldn't care, but most people get hurt by these things.
Fun2BMe Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 I told my parent that i graduated from college and she didnt have to worry about paying for my education anymore. All colleges in the US offer students to get student loans. You could've gotten a loan to finish college. Even though I frown at lying, that was a sacrifice for you to do for the sake of your parent and I guess it was ok for you to lie about graduating. It did more good than harm. So is it ok to lie if it does more good than harm, even if it's bigger than a "little white lie?" Is it ok to lie to prevent your loved one's heart from hurting, as confusedgeek lied a big one to please his parent?
Fun2BMe Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Ok, I think everyone agrees on what you should do. And I agree. But we're all anonymous here. Does anyone have any secrets they are carrying around? I mean most of what I gather is that people aren't just theorizing about the burden of guilt and the risk of letting the secret slip. It's experience speaking. For instance, I never told my ex that I had slept with a married woman before we started dating. I knew she wouldn't take that well. I just told her that that woman and I had a friendship that went too far, and I cut it off when I got uncomfortable with it. All true. But the details would have been counterproductive. When she asked about it, I lied. It didn't happen while we were together, so it wasn't really any of her business. As much as I am against lying, this is a good topic to think about. I was once in a long term relationship that was going well. As soon as he started asking about my past sex history, he became overly displeased and dumped me! Now on I keep that info to myself and if pushed to answer, never reveal the whole truth so there, I am a liar. But in all other areas I don't tell a lie except the little white one here and there that we all do. Men have this double standard about women's history and experiences. The guy who broke up with me had been with way way more women than I had been with men, I guess he had this imaginary image of my sexual history that was disturbed. I'm too scared to lose someone over this again, especially since I am getting older and it's so hard to find someone with whom a relationship works out with. Why rock the boat over something like this? If I had an STD, or there was a more serious issue and pretty much all other things, I would tell the truth, I consider myself honest but I am scared after what happened from revealing my sexual history.
Mz. Pixie Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Yeah, I keep secrets. When I met my husband he told me that things I'd done before I met him, well that he really didn't care about those, he just cared about who I was now. I took him to mean he didn't want to know EVERYTHING about my past and I did keep a few things to myself. I didn't lie, because he didn't come out and ask me certain questions but I wasn't forthcoming with information.
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