BDR Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 My ex and I had been dating for a little over 3 months. We both swore it was love at first sight. I was totally infatuated with her from the beginning. I just knew she was the one for me. She said she was just as excited as well. She had expressed some concern early on that things may be moving a little fast. She had just moved to my city earlier in the year and she hadn't long been divorced. But I thought four years past a divorce was plenty of time. She also claimed that guys also routinely fall head over heals for her, which I guess should have been a sign. She is a great woman and I guess i should have seen that. Anyway, after some initial concerns I backed off. Told her to take control of the relationship and run it as she sees fit. She did, but she ran it full speed ahead and was making future plans. I reminded her a couple of times that she had said she wanted to move slower, but she just said she knows and that she wanted to move at this speed because she was sure. Well, last Sunday we had dinner and everything just changed. She was dealing with a new promotion and some other family issues and I could see the stress building in her. The problem was from Saturday (which we spent together and have a tremendous evening) to Sunday was night and day. Monday and Tuesday were worse and Wednesday I decided to break the ice. I sent her an e-mail saying that if she wanted to talk I was there for her and that she could just tell me what was on her mind. She sent me a long e-mail expressing her confusion about life and our relationship. I was shocked and it was total distancing behavior. I told her to take some time and get back to me. We cancelled Christmas plans and decided to celebrate alone/ with family. I was totally upset and hurt. We barely communicated for the next three days and then she contacted me yesterday, Christamas Eve, and says she wanted to come and give me my gift. She was also really distant and told me we should talk after Christmas. I agreed but I knew in my heart it was the final goodbye. She came over, engaged in small talk then dropped the bomb. The relationship was too serious and she just didn't want to continue the relationship anymore. I listened then calmly got up and packed her stuff. Then I fell apart. I told her it just wasn't right. We hadn't known each other long enough and she should just give it more time. We weren't locked in to each other, lets just continue to have fun and see what happens. But she let on that she had never really dug me like I thought she did (although she constantly, constantly professed her love and wanting for me) and she just wasn't sure anymore. She hit me with the if it was meant to be, it will be speech. I was so disgusted, I told her if she walked out that door I could never forgive her. She walked and here I am. I immediately went and threw her Christmas gift in the lake and got rid of everything she ever gave me. I deleted here numbers and e-mails. I was so upset, I called my mom. She told me she saw it coming, which made me feel even worse. She said, although she had only met her once, she just felt she was going to move on. She told me I have to be more careful in who I choose and that maybe I am letting some self-esteem issues get in the way. (She mentioned my previous ex, who I dated for 3 years, engaged and she broke it off). She said the girl wasn't that cute and she could just feel from how excited I was about her that it would end badly and soon. I am as low as they come now. So I proceeded to write my ex a final e-mail. I told her that although I was very angry at her and I would NEVER forgive her, I had truly enjoyed our time together. I told how great of a woman she was and how I knew that one day she would get past her issues and that it really hurt i wouldn't be there. I chastised her for faking her love for as long as she did if it weren't true, but I also thanked her for at least trying to love me. I told her, because I really feel this way, it was the best 3 months of my life; however, I never wanted to see her or talk to her again and I had deleted all her information and I hoped she would do the same. I need feedback because I am really hurting....
Lonelystar Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 Well, first and foremost I'm very sorry you had to go through this on Christmas Eve. However, you did the right thing by not wanting to see her because seeing her right now would just make you feel worse. It takes time to get over the inital hurt but it will get better I promise. She should have never lied about loving you ( if she did lie), but some people say things they don't mean or think they mean it at the time. I would suggest going out with friends even though all you want to do is stay home. Talk to people about how you are feeling and cry if you need to. Let all the emotions out and then start living life for yourself. Go out, find things you like to do, and eventually when you're ready to meet new people go ahead and do that. You have to remind yourself that you are strong and that you will get over this. I hope you feel better soon.
Outcast Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 We both swore it was love at first sight. I was totally infatuated with her from the beginning. I just knew she was the one for me. She said she was just as excited as well. This happens all the time. You should never trust any feelings you get that resemble 'being in love' during the first half year of a relationship. At that point, all you know about someone is the good stuff and it's the easiest thing in the world to fall for someone's virtues. It's their negative traits that don't come out for some time and by then you're hooked. People get caught up in the early infatuation and mistake it for love. As the hormonal rush starts to wear off, the haze of infatuation clears from their eyes and they realize they weren't in love in the first place. Happens all the time. Don't be mad at her and don't be crushed. Eventually you may have decided you didn't like a lot of things about her. She just beat you to the discovery. Remember this for next time and refuse to believe that any feelings of 'love at first sight' are real because 99.9% of the time they aren't.
BDR Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 I confess, I was totally open with her. I confessed to all my life secrets and let her completely in. She did the same, I think. I realize now, that was a mistake. She had confessed early on that things were maybe moving too fast for her. She was divorced (although it was 4 years ago) she had also sent e-mails that she felt she was trying to catch up with my love for her. My mom told me that I have to do a better job of choosing my mates and stop trying to invest in woman who just aren't with it. She asked that I be more patient and date more, take my time and just enjoy the dating process. I told her that is not me. I am naturally very shy and I don't enjoy meeting people as much as my mom does. I just don't enjoy dating. She said that I needed to build up some self-esteem. She remarked that my ex wasn't a very pretty girl and that she just felt in her heart that she just wasn't that interested in settling down with me, just by hearing how I glowed about my girlfriend to her. She talked about my other ex(who I dated for 3 years and engaged before she broke it off). She told me not to put so much into relationships/ not try so hard to just let them come to me. My mom is the best, and I know her advice to be sound, but I am just not sure. I admit I am lonely. I think it is natural for a man my age (31). I don't have many friends and the friends I do have live all of the country and many are married, with a significant other or dating seriously (this is only important because everyone knows that when people bring another in their life, then friends naturally become secondary). The friends I meet now are more professional or just event related friends (do certain things together). Plus I don't have a lot of money to do things I want to do as I am transitioning now. I don't want to keep getting back out there and getting my feelings hurt. I watch so many around me in bad relationships (including my mom) and I am terrified. I spend most of my time doing things non-monetary alone and that is cool to a point. I just want somebody to spend time with, doesn't have to be marriage. Just a close friend. But I just don't have it in me to date around. It seems like no woman wants to be with me. The ones I like don't like me and the ones that do like me aren't my type. I guess I need deeper help!!!
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