AltplanB Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 Its been about 2 months since my ex gf broke up with me. I look back at it now and realize the mistakes i made in trying so desperately to get her back. I think about all the begging and pleading and crying (which i never do). I was coming off a steriod cycle, which is when depression sets in for a few weeks. It was the worst time for it to happen. I also had just moved to a new school and hadn't made any friends yet. Anyways, she broke up with me and i pleaded with her for 3 weeks, unfortunately only guilting her into giving me a day to make it right. I thought everything was going great until she just said no, and then i went home. A week later, she met someone else and has been seeing him ever since, telling over the internet that she thought she was in love with me but now she thinks she was just confused and she doesn't know what she was doing with me. She made it seem like the whole thing was a lie, telling me that she is totally into this new guy and that she has no intention of ever coming back to me. It hurt a lot and i realize that if i had just not talked to her at all and made it seem that i was ok with everything, ther was a greater chance that she would come back. I think about this though and it makes me come to the conclusion that it would just be a lie. I also reconize that because of the way she went about this, and the way she treated me after so many feelings were exchanged, suggests that she is not the person that i thought she was. She moved on very fast after i treated her like a queen and was always there for her. I helped her through bulimia and her fathers passing. I was never mean to her and i always loved her. I know the guy she is seeing and he is a carbon copy of me, both physically and most likely mentally. Makes me sick to think about them having sex but I realize that there is nothing i can do about it and sulking is only making it worse. I try really hard to move on but everything reminds me of her; shows we watched and laughed about, jokes we made, places we ate. I once spent 400 dollars on dinner for just her and me for valentines day. Some of the reasons she gave me were really focused on how she lost her feelings for me once she realized that we were too different. She likes to get up early in the morning and get stuff done while i like to sleep in. I like watching movies and she likes reading. She says im not really motivated to do things but i counter with the fact that i am looking for something to motivate me. I had all my **** together when i was going out with her and i helped her through a dark time in her life. I know she remembers this but what kills me is that she is doing nothing about it. She didn't even send me recognition of my b-day on the 18th. SHe is totally gone and doesn't care about me. My trouble moving on focuses around her being my first love. I have been in many relationships and have always been a confident guy (im 21), but have never fallen for anyone. SHe had been in love twice before. Kills me that she treated me like "just another boyfriend" when i thought of her as someone i could spend the rest of my life with. I dunno if this new guy is a rebound or what she is looking for because she changes her mind about things constantly; a common characteristic of a bulimic. I struggle with all my feelings for her and bang my head against the wall because she is not doing the same. It hurts even more because my depression is keeping me from sparking with new girls that obviously have interest in me. I have tried to delete her from my life but everyday is a constant struggle. My friends left me for her because transfered to a different school and they like the new guy because they are all on the same sports team. I wish that she would of given me more respect and the same second chance that i once gave her when i became fed up with all her problems. Boy how the tides have turned. Lastly, i don't hold out hope for her to come back, but i still wish for it to happen. I still dream of a time when she could come back to me, crying and apologizing, hoping for forgiviness. I don't know if i would be able to but i still wish it to be so. I know this sort of **** shouldn't be part of a 21 year olds life. Especially a jock like me. BUt i really did fall for this woman, something i kept myself from doing through many relationships before her. I know it will happen again, i just don't want to put myself in that vulnerable position again, knowing that i could be hurt at any moment, and be put into such a hellish place again. Im one of the guys that feels if you have gained feelings for someone, that you should be willing to work very hard to keep that relationship strong. SHe did not. If it appeared to not be working out, she felt it was not meant to be and was completely turned off. Well i guess that sorta is **** on me. I was the loser in this, i got the short end of the stick. I just have to become a winner again, get my ass back in shape and stop letting her affect me both physically and subconciously (ive lost 20 pounds). I just got back from cabo and made out with a bunch of girls...i know im hot. I just thought of her as so attractive that i don't know how long it will take for me to see someone else like that. anyways im rambling. Any thoughts or suggestions?
In Sync Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 I have thoughts and they will be harsh. This girl did you a favor. Ok, she dumped. That sucks, nobody here liked being the on the chopping block, but now since you know she's with another guy..you are pouring all your youthful energy into wasting away and self destruction..letting your self esteem flounder is self-destruction in my book. Do you want anyone here on LS to give you false hope, because that's not going to do you any good. This period of NC means looking at all aspects of the relationship, yes where she lacked as well as yourself. Obviously she saw that you two were different. Hey, it can be a drag being with a guy who lacks motivation. That's something you can try to see is it valid or not. For her it was valid. Just because you fall for someone doesn't mean you still have all the qualities they (the ex's want..I've been there and it hurts but what am I going to do twist myself into a pretzel and try to be something that isn't me.) Look at the things in your life you can adjust, new attitude about yourself and what you bring to the plate. Every girl is not going to want what you have so face that. If you feel your depression is getting in the way of a healthy relationship perhaps you need to see a professional. Sometimes people (the ones we love) can't handle being around a depressed person. They feel helpless and don't want to spend everyday trying to rescue someone in a depressed state. That's not being mean here, that's reality. Please let go of hopes of reconcilition with herand work on getting you in a better place emotionally. She can not fix or resolve the things within you. At 21 you have a long road ahead of you...until uou fully accept that it's over you won't allow yourself to move forward.
meltwithme Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 Alt your sit is almost exactly like mine. I want to call her sooo bad and I'm not sure what the hell to do, i'm finally getting confidence back and other girls are into me, hell I even saw some chicks that I hadnt seen in years the other night that wanted nothing to do with me back then, and they were kissing on me and everything, after my breakup ive been hitting the weights alot and learned to be much more outgoing. But even though it was a real good confidence boost, it just wasnt that girl, the only girl that I had that feeling of love for. It's such a difficult loss b.c we have never felt that way about anyone else and are scared we wont find some1 we feel 4 like that again. Keep telling yourself you will learn to love again and that it's normal to get down sometimes, but you gotta get back up no matter what. problem is I only want my ex to see the new me and I'm convinced if she saw me now things would be different but she is done with me, will ignore me, and it will only set me back and appear even more weak if I contact her again. so I'm trying my best to just stop thinking about it, but things that remind me of her suck, sometimes I wont even know exactly what it was that got me thinking about her again and just tell myself to snap out of it.
Author AltplanB Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 It just pisses me off that a person will need you for so long until they drop you and move on and have such a better life without you, leaving you in a terrible place. She did this to me. I was doing great when i met her and i had no issues. SHe had a bunch that i helped her with. Once she was better and with people that she loved being around and in an area that she really liked, she dropped me for someone else. Its terrible and i don't hope for reconciliation, just a little more compassion from someone i thought really cared for me.
In Sync Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 Alt your sit is almost exactly like mine. I want to call her sooo bad and I'm not sure what the hell to do, i'm finally getting confidence back and other girls are into me, hell I even saw some chicks that I hadnt seen in years the other night that wanted nothing to do with me back then, and they were kissing on me and everything, after my breakup ive been hitting the weights alot and learned to be much more outgoing. But even though it was a real good confidence boost, it just wasnt that girl, the only girl that I had that feeling of love for. It's such a difficult loss b.c we have never felt that way about anyone else and are scared we wont find some1 we feel 4 like that again. Keep telling yourself you will learn to love again and that it's normal to get down sometimes, but you gotta get back up no matter what. problem is I only want my ex to see the new me and I'm convinced if she saw me now things would be different but she is done with me, will ignore me, and it will only set me back and appear even more weak if I contact her again. so I'm trying my best to just stop thinking about it, but things that remind me of her suck, sometimes I wont even know exactly what it was that got me thinking about her again and just tell myself to snap out of it. It sounds to me that both you and Alt are dealing with your own bruised egos on top of a breakup. Yes, you are hurting, we all understand that, but you both point out how this is the first girl you've fallen for. Unfortunately as I said to Alt, just because you fell for her, doesn't control how she feels about you now...and the fact that she is the first doesn't mean she owes you her devotion for her entire life. If she wants out she wants out. Plus the idea that just because you have changed physically doesn't necessarily mean that will bring her back to you. That seems rather shallow on both parts...most likely it's deeper reasons than your physical appearance that caused her to leave you. How will she know from your outward appearance that you have changed inwardly. You're going to say that to her if you see her again. Seeing someone and how much they changed on the inside takes time, will your ex be willing to go through that time and effort to see your difference?
ashley83 Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 I'm in the same situation as ya'll, only I'm a girl. I'm in college, going through a breakup, and there is hope. Mark my words, this time next year you'll be over this, and look back and laugh! I know it doesn't feel like that now because I feel the same, but I have hope! And you don't sound vain! I look good and know it, and I know for sure my ex will come back. He says he doesn't like princessy girls, but he mistakes my esteem for being a princess. He's just really selfish, and all he cares about is hunting. And if he doesn't get his act together, he's gonna be married to some farm grown big ass woman, for sure. But hey as long as he's happy
CaliGuy Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 Alt, I agree with everyone else. You're young, you've learned a lot from this experience and there will be a much better woman coming along for you soon. You'll see.
Author AltplanB Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 yea thanks guys. It always helps to hear the advice of everyone. When i have a relapse again though, ill come back here, with my tail between my legs, beggin for advice from complete strangers. Oh well, im stronger because of this, i just dont see it yet. Merry Christmas (yea right) and if anyones got anymore advice or thoughts, id love to hear it.
meltwithme Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 It sounds to me that both you and Alt are dealing with your own bruised egos on top of a breakup. Yes, you are hurting, we all understand that, but you both point out how this is the first girl you've fallen for. Unfortunately as I said to Alt, just because you fell for her, doesn't control how she feels about you now...and the fact that she is the first doesn't mean she owes you her devotion for her entire life. If she wants out she wants out. Plus the idea that just because you have changed physically doesn't necessarily mean that will bring her back to you. That seems rather shallow on both parts...most likely it's deeper reasons than your physical appearance that caused her to leave you. How will she know from your outward appearance that you have changed inwardly. You're going to say that to her if you see her again. Seeing someone and how much they changed on the inside takes time, will your ex be willing to go through that time and effort to see your difference? She basically got bored, but I have changed on the inside, I'm a much more outgoing guy now (i had to be) and I've been trying to quit pot qhich I beleive really tore our relationship apart and it got me pretty depresssed and insecure. I was really insecure around her because I was afraid of losing my her as my 1st love. The physical is just another aspect that has changed about me and hell yeah i'd like her to see that too b.c even though it is shallow people are simply more attracted to a better body.
Author AltplanB Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 my ex isn't shallow. She doesn't care how i look. In fact she got turned off that i placed so much on my appearance. I just wanted to look good for her. So that road will do nothing for me. She called me last night but i held strong and didn't answer, i listened to the long message though and it went about telling me that she didn't want to send any messages to me over my b-day because it was too soon and she didn't want to hurt me and she didn't even think this was a good idea either. She just wanted to say merry christmas and that she thinks about me everyday. She also wants to talk to me and become friends, if not now then in the future when im ready. This message really hurt me because she was really nice but not hinting at anything. I know she is still happy with her new guy and i also know that any contact with her will only hurt me more. I do want her to know that i wish her a merry christmas. I dont know what to do. Should i just leave a text message or something? Im really in a dark place right now.
In Sync Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 meltwithme Hey I'm all for working out and maintaining physical fitness, and as I have said to you or others, keep doing it for what it does for your benefit. Doing it for her benefit or anyone else's will lead to disappointment. You are in fact saying that your happiness depends on another person. That's an awful lot of power over your mindset that you are giving to anyone. Especially to someone you love, because they are already letting you know that they don't want to be with you. Ok, she was your first love. Are you trying to convince yourself that in your lifetime you only intend to have 1 love. And there is absolutely no other girl with whom you can be your new fully self awarenss qualities to. All that you've learned and become is for the 1 girl who doesn't want to be with you because she got bored...hmmmm. AltplanB There is nothing you need to do. Your reply is just that a reply that allows her to know you are still hanging out there in the wings for her. Come on dude, what do you think is going to happen if you didn't respond and cut contact with her. The earth won't fall apart. Floods won't come. The sun will still come up..and she will still, by the way be with her new guy. You on the otherhand will be waiting for another message and another...not moving on because she is (unconsciously perhaps) offering you crumbs of hope. If hurting is the strongest position you see for yourself keep responding. It's all your choice on how you want to recover. She made her choice by moving on.
Author AltplanB Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 wow your right but man is this hard. I feel so weak because i am this way and thats not what she wants. She loved me for my confidence and when she ended it but wasn't sure, my inability to keep confident pushed her farther away. Its terrible because shes in control. The only way i can get any control back is to not contact her. Its terrible that she has already found happiness with someone else and that she cares so little for what we had and such. It also tears me up that she basically used me for emotional support until she was ready. She didn't do it purposefully though and i dont blame her, which is also hurting me. I don't know what stage of recovery i am in, but it doesn't feel any better than the others. I can eat and sleep again, but i still have trouble finishing meals and feel sick all of a sudden when i think about her. I also wake up and she isn't there and it hurts really bad. I dreamed of calling her to wish her a merry christmas but then i woke up and remembered it wasn't a good idea. This is the worst christmas ever.
In Sync Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 ...I don't know what stage of recovery i am in, but it doesn't feel any better than the others. I can eat and sleep again, but i still have trouble finishing meals and feel sick all of a sudden when i think about her. I also wake up and she isn't there and it hurts really bad. I dreamed of calling her to wish her a merry christmas but then i woke up and remembered it wasn't a good idea. This is the worst christmas ever. Who said that recovering from a being heartbroken is suppose to be easy? You're damn right it's hard, alot of things in life are hard to recover from. When someone breaks your heart everything as you knew it suddenly comes to an end. No one recovers from that overnight...we're talking about a dream has been shattered, the illusion you had of the person has been altered, dealing with disappointment of what's not to come and the f**king reality of just being abandoned by the person you loved the most (or at least we call it love) Sure our heads become messed up..you can't believe it blah blah...but at some point and there is a tipping point..that's the point where you can't keep running like a hamster in a cage...You're going have to stop and say to yourself "How much is my suffering, wishing, hoping, praying is going to bring her back?" NC is not going to be this miracle thing that happens in a blink of a eye...but doing it and committing to it, while accepting the reality that it's time to move on as hand in hand with accepting your pain...will eventually make you able to withstand the loss of thie relationship. This may not have been the happiest X-mas for most of us, but I'll be damn if I going to allow myself to be pinning over my 'X' in christmas 2006.
meltwithme Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 meltwithme Hey I'm all for working out and maintaining physical fitness, and as I have said to you or others, keep doing it for what it does for your benefit. Doing it for her benefit or anyone else's will lead to disappointment. You are in fact saying that your happiness depends on another person. That's an awful lot of power over your mindset that you are giving to anyone. Especially to someone you love, because they are already letting you know that they don't want to be with you. Ok, she was your first love. Are you trying to convince yourself that in your lifetime you only intend to have 1 love. And there is absolutely no other girl with whom you can be your new fully self awarenss qualities to. All that you've learned and become is for the 1 girl who doesn't want to be with you because she got bored...hmmmm. You make verry good points, and some of the things i improved on may have been for her at the start, but now I do them for me, the pot messed with my head too much and after the high it was a real low, working out helps with the stress and down times plus helps my confidence. I'm actually enjoying going out now just to get out and at least it will get my mind off the ex, even though it can backfire if I drink to much some nights the next morning will suck but I figure the possitives outweigh the negs. Right now it feels like I wont love again sometimes because I've only known it once, and to be honest I'm not ready to love again... but one day I hope I can share that with someone again, I'm just going to be much more selective as to whom.
Author AltplanB Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 ive tried everything and really all there is for guys like us is working out and putting on a smile. After a while the smile becomes real. It sucks, but just look forward to knowing that one day she will get the same ****. I look back now on the girls i dumped and realize it was only a matter of time before it happened to me. Your probably luckier than me though. I lost 20 pounds of muscle cause i couldn't eat. All my friends decided to stick with her because they all went to the same school and that sucks. SO i lost my friends and my girl all at once. Just got to deal, although this rollercoasters of emotions keeps flowing up and down.
In Sync Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 ive tried everything and really all there is for guys like us is working out and putting on a smile. After a while the smile becomes real. It sucks, but just look forward to knowing that one day she will get the same ****. I look back now on the girls i dumped and realize it was only a matter of time before it happened to me. Your probably luckier than me though. I lost 20 pounds of muscle cause i couldn't eat. All my friends decided to stick with her because they all went to the same school and that sucks. SO i lost my friends and my girl all at once. Just got to deal, although this rollercoasters of emotions keeps flowing up and down. Start looking at things in a good light...it's a blessing that your so called "friends" are with her at another school..that way they won't accidently started providing you with details of your ex's going and comings...which will get you bummed out. So great that's part of NC not hearing through the grapevine information you don't need to know... Plus if these people are your friends (and they aren't anymore because they all go the same school?) They're not your friends because of logistics? Sounds weird to me...Time for you to evaluate what is a friend. Friends stick with you through thick or thin.
Author AltplanB Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 yea ther not my friends anymore. Its just terrible because guys look to ther friends for help. Since i moved to a new school (only 45 minutes away), and she stayed, they choose to stick with her. So i was left at a new school with no friends and a depressed attitude. Im still contemplating whether i should call her back as i know the next call wont come until january at least. Its so hard because i dont think she will miss me enough to tell me. She says she thinks about me everyday but i look back at when i started going out with her and her getting messages from her old boyfriends. I don't want to be one of those guys and but i also can't forget about her. I try very hard and the no contact is killing me. well im going to the gym.
CaliGuy Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 This is the worst christmas ever. No, it could be worse. You could be like me. I lost my mom a month ago and the love of my life within 2 weeks of each other. Trust me, it could be a lot worse.
In Sync Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 CaliGuy My heartfelt sympathy goes out to you, I too lost my mom back in October just as I was trying to cope with the end of the relationship with the 'X'...it's been a hellish 2 months but I am hanging in. NC has aided me in seeing was a sad relationship I was hanging onto. And grueving for my mom made me realize that she would not have wanted me to stay in something so unrewarding she always wanted better for me. That alone gave me strength to maintain NC. AltplanB By calling her, you will become your own worst enemy. This girl has moved on. Let it go. She's not making you agonize over her, you are chosing this. Go to the gym, and maintain NC. What do you hope to gain by trying to contact her. Trust me, if you are in a depressed state of mind that is not a magnet that people will be drawn to. Get help. Talk to a counselor, write in a journal..but until you rebuild your inner self..you are most likely generating pity from her..not love.
Author AltplanB Posted December 27, 2005 Author Posted December 27, 2005 yea i know everything your saying. Its just at those weak moments when i look into the mirror, and i see what has happened to me because of this. I worked so hard to put on muscle that i lost because of this. I have to fight to eat enough food throughout the day. I just feel sick all the time. I get really depressed because of the nature of how she is doing so great without me and i was left in this hole. I dunno, next time i feel like calling her i will just log back on here and type.
J dub Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 next time i feel like calling her i will just log back on here and type. Yep, why bother calling her? She said whatever it was she needed to and anything you say isnt going to make a damn difference as to your situation so dont torture yourself anymore than you already are (and yes, you are definitely making this harder on yourself). I suggest you re-read this, maybe print it out and tape it to your bathroom mirror so you read it daily. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77910/
Author AltplanB Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 yea i already did that. its sitting in my lap. Its tricky, with all these mixed messages. Its like she wants to hurt me. She has no intention of coming back but she tells me she thinks about me everyday. She used to tell me things about how she really misses me and pictures living with me again. These things only hurt me more when i tried to get her back to no avail. I know i shouldn't wonder about these things, but this guy shes with, the one she met a week after me, and is totally into, is he a rebound? will no contact make her miss me eventually and see that this new guy is not me or will it only push her farther away....i dunno i guess silence is the core of curiousity.
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