3 e-mails that ripped my heart out

[kjo314]

Hi Y'all.

 

My ex moved to Florida 4 months ago and has been under a lot of stress due to grad school, not making friends, family issues etc... Anyways I can sense something is about to happen to us about 2 days before it happens. She is crying on the phone etc.... WHat happened next completely blew my mind. THIS IS LONG BUT PLEASE READ!!! She sent me this e-mail:

 

I know it's been awhile since we've talked. I thought this might be better than talking on the phone for a bunch of different reasons. I thought that if I wrote you, it might be easier to understand what I am saying (I know for me this is true....I am a really visual-type person...anyway...). I wanted to make sure that you understood my reasons for breaking up with you. Please understand that it wasn't anything you could've done to change it, but really a basic personality difference. I feel that we are growing in different directions and that isn't because of the long-distance. I feel we are fundamentally different people. And It's something that I have to do for me right now. I just feel like we are too good of friends to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I care about you, I still love you (whether you believe that or not). I just wasn't getting out the relationship the types of things I think I want: emotional intimacy (ugh....psych term....sorry), respecting of boundaries, etc. Yes, those things can change. But I feel like we've tried for so long....and issues just keep popping up....it just is exhausting at a time when I can't deal with added stress. For now I need things to be simple. I feel like I was nagging you time and unable to reciprocate your feelings for me. I felt like it was unfair to you. I don't understand why they aren't there....they aren't. I don't think it is because of the long-distance. When I am around you at home (and we aren't talking about issues) I notice I feel loved and safe and warm....but not passionately head-over-heels. I just don't think it's fair to either of us. I would've stayed in the relationship feeling guilty and you would've been feeling inadequate. I hope you can understand a bit better now, and that you might like to be friends in the future. I love you and wish the best in life, because you deserve it!

 

OK so this e-mail ripped my heart out obviously so I sent her one back telling her I would always be there and if there was anything I could do to get her back and I got this one:

 

I read my email the other day, and realized that I may have sounded a bit too harsh and unfocused. I got this email and your previous one, and I would like to say they made me feel very good. It's good to know there are great people like you out there. I don't think there is really anything you can do to get me back though. I don't know if this was clear in my last email, but this is something that I need to do for myself right now. I am stressed, which is true. I know you think that you can help, which is probably true. But even if you did that, there are still those fundamental differences that I talked about in our last email. Even though I am having difficulty some days myself, I still feel confident in my decision that this was a good thing for the both of us. I just really need to be on my own for a while. I still really value you as a person and hope that we can be friends, but please don't hope that we can get back together. I don't want you to hang on for something that may never return, ok? I still love you to death and wish you the best of luck in everything you do. I know you will succeed because that is just how you are.

 

 

So I e-mailed her back wondering what these "fundamental differences are... 2 days later i get this e-mail:

 

 

Studying for finals is a pain in my rear....thanks for understanding! I think it's great that you are taking time to concentrate on doing self-reflection things. You know me....I am always one to push that sort of thing....damn psychology strikes again...As in a good answer to your question, I am honestly struggling to give you a clear-cut one. What I mean by fundamental differences are how we approach our lives. This could have to do with viewing of problems, perspectives; the lens with which we view our world were not matching. I believe people are inherently born with a temperament and are just this way. I felt that my own view of reality (which ain't perfect either) wasn't fitting with yours. I also really feel that for me, right now, this is the best thing still. I can't remember if I mentioned in my last email or not, but I wanted to say that I'd really like to stay in contact with you and be your friend. Right now, I just feel that this whole break-up thing will be easier on both of us if we didn't talk that much for a little while. I hope all is well with you, and is getting better by each passing day.

 

 

Ok so obviously these have broken my heart completely. So after no contact for 2 weeks she calls me. I ask her if she wants to go do something and she said she didn't feel comfortable because she didn't want to give me any false hope. I asked her why and she said "you know" I asked her if it was because she still loved me she said "yes". I asked her if there was still a hope for us and she said "Yes" she just needs to be alone right now.

 

What kind of love is she talking about. We were togetehr for 2 years and had no major arguements I mean in August we were talking marriage and now this. How did I get here??? What should I do?? How can I get her back?? What is she going through?? Is it a commitment problem or is she truely lost??? Please help!!!!

[riobikini]

What I think:

 

At some point (when you weren't aware of it), she took a long, introspective look at where your relationship was heading (marriage talk), and reviewed all the possibilities of whether it would last through future years and be everything she had idealized that kind of commitment would be.

 

She decided, after the look-see, that there were differences, after all, that could never support that kind of long-term commitment.

 

And she actually stated a few of those to you.

 

So, why did she allow it to progress into a relationship where talk of marriage could even be discussed?

 

Answer:

 

She was 'comfortable' in the relationship. It was a security blanket. It 'sneaked' up on her.

 

She was growing into it (forming the relationship) day by day and making small changes to accommodate it even tho, overall, it was never going to fit into her long-range personal and career growth and consequent life development.

 

But it was a security that only offered comfort for this time in her life.

 

She realizes, now, that her life is probably going to go through some major changes because the goals that have always been her ideals are very different from yours and she didn't want to hand to you the immense pain of a break up (divorce) years down the road.

 

Does she love you?

 

I believe she does.

 

But it's the kind of love you develop from the familiarity of being engulfed within a deep, personal relationship with someone you truly care about and would even sacrifice some things for, but simply would not marry.

 

Still, many marriages do happen with only this kind of love existing as the main support and it IS one of the essential under-girding building blocks for a successful partnership, but other important building blocks are needed for long-term unions that are truly fulfilling.

 

Building blocks like CHEMISTRY.

 

She stated that the chemistry simply wasn't there.

 

It's true that most couples fall 'out of love' for a time during a long-term relationship and that some of the fundamental building blocks that give integrity to the union do seem to fade sometimes, but if they weren't there to begin with, there's a fat chance the relationship won't survive the rocky times, at all, -or very well.

 

She's telling you now, that her assessment found some of these essential building blocks absent in your relationship and without them there to support you in the direction you were headed (marriage), it was time to put on the brakes and stop the flow of false hopes and dreams that can escalate into very wrong moves for both of you, -not to mention the devastating, inevitable pain.

 

She's actually being kind...more than kind, -she's saying that she DOES love you.

 

But she's not seeing children with you in her future.

 

Why did she say there was still hope?

 

Answer:

 

Because she knows that, feeling the emotions she has right now, she just might try and save both your feelings temporarily and stay in the relationship just based on the type of love she has for you....even knowing that it's not all she wants with a lifetime partner.

 

She knows that just seeing you, talking to you might cause her to change her mind and that would be wrong for both of you.

 

She's trying to stay away from you so she can heal....and to save you (and herself) pain.

 

If you decide she's worth it, and want to keep her in your life as a close friend, (and she'll make a wonderful one for a lifetime of true friendship), -let her heal.

 

In the meantime, you do the same.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[kjo314]

Rio,

 

Please give me some kind of hope. There has to be a way for us to work out.

 

Do you think she might just be confused about everything or afraid of commitment or something. I mean these things were never an issue until she moved to Florida.

 

Rio... I CAN'T LOSE THIS GIRL TO ANOTHER MAN. No one understands this. NO ONE. She is amazing.

 

Please tell me there is some kind of hope or something. I am broken right now. It hurts hardcore..... i don't want to give up... RIO WHAT CAN I DO

[riobikini]

I think this girl is struggling with her answer to you.

 

No one can determine the outcome of the human heart...at least, not me....not even, sometimes, with my own.

 

If she is struggling with only the one-dimensional aspect of thought I first mentioned, we can still only speculate.

 

There may be hope in this respect: we do not have the scoop on her inner feelings or how her mind truly processes information and emotions.

 

With that said, she may have 'grown' more of the building blocks that can support a long-term relationship than we're aware of.

 

Only SHE has that information.

 

Keep your 'green light' on for awhile...she's still going to have to go through a process.

 

Just 'be there'.

 

When it comes right down to it, and no matter how I analyze things, -I believe that true love ultimately has it's way and damn the torpedoes!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[kjo314]

Rio,

 

What do you mean by one-dimensional aspect??

 

Why a couple months ago did she want to get married to me. She asked me to propose to her but for the wrong reason and that is why I didn't do it. What do you mean??? What answer is she struggling to give me. Why am I beating myself up about this. I love her too much HELP PLEASE

[kjo314]

She also knows that I am very commited to her.... I love her so much.... she made me a memory book before she left telling me how much she couldn't wait till we could get married and all that... I mean what the heck.. I know the blocks ere there. We had chemistry and emotional intimacy when we were in Athens together... It seems like the long distance did this.

[Art_Critic]

She also knows that I am very commited to her.... I love her so much.... she made me a memory book before she left telling me how much she couldn't wait till we could get married and all that... I mean what the heck.. I know the blocks ere there. We had chemistry and emotional intimacy when we were in Athens together... It seems like the long distance did this.

 

Welcome to life.. We have been there.. There is not one single relationship that when it ends you can't look back and go.. Huh ?? She just told me she loved me.. or huh?? she just said she wanted to have my children..

 

It's one of the painful mysteries of love, relationships and BREAKING UP..

 

Honestly you seem to be hanging on the past and the what ifs ..

 

You need to change your thinking and start thinking of a future without her

[kjo314]

Are you all telling me to give up??? Is there any hope.... I mean what is she really doing during this time... Getting over me or truely thinking aobut this whole situation. I mean why the hell does this happen. Why has God chosen to torture us with this kind of misery.

[loony]

Great post, riobikini!

[Clone56]

I used to ask the same questions, why is this happening. Try dating someoen for 6 years and getting the same email from your girlfriend. Its life changing but u need to look forward other wise you will never get passes this. Trust me man i KNOW, u want her abck, u think if u call her there is something u can say to change her mind. Really there isnt anything u can do but give it time. I will say this my ex did come back after 3 months. She said she started to feal empty without me over that time more and more everyday. However there was nothing I did to make her think that, that was her own decision. When we broke up I didnt leave my house for a month and cried about a week straight (wussy yes i know) but man it was the worst fealign I have ever had, so i understand...good luck and try to go out or something.

[kjo314]

Hea guys no matter what remember to have some Happy thoughts this Christmas.... I wil try it is hard but I am surewe can all do it. Christmas is a magical time... maybe things will work out for some of us.... maybe.... please reply more to this thread..

[Basic]

She is smart and is being very nice in her breakup with you.

 

We should all be so lucky to be "dumped" this way. Learn from her.

 

There is nothing you can do. The only minor hope is that she continues to reflect and changes her mind. That's unlikely.

 

What you can do is get on with your life. You can hold out hope that she'll want you back, but don't focus on it too much. Someday you'll say "hey, I can live without her".

 

Don't get all weepy and beg her, be strong. She'll respect you more and you'll respect yourself more later.

[kjo314]

So you gave it time.... Did you talk with her at all or do no contact... I don't want her completely out of my life forever. She is not a normal woman.... he is perfect and doesn't understand it. I have found my goldmine in her and I can't lose it. Please help.

[symbol]

kj0314, when I first read your post I couldn't believe my eyes. The email she sent you is exactly the same thing as what my ex told me over the phone. We had been together for almost 8 years, with the last 2 in different states. Both my ex and I are going to grad school and under lots of stress. These make our stories even more similar IMO.

 

I truly understand how you feel. Sometimes I wish there were other reasons for our breakup. Although the way our exes have handled the situation seems really nice and kind, it is actually more hurtful this way.

 

It has been 2 months since he broke up with me. The first week, I did all the begging, crying, etc. Then, we had another conversation on the phone, and I knew that all that begging wouldn't help at all. That's when I started not contacting him. It's been 7 weeks with NC. To my surprise, he has not called even once. He told me on the phone that he loved me very much but he didn't have that "spark" anymore. I know he wants to stay friends with me, he once said that we understood each other so well, and knew how to make each other feel better, that we should always have each other in our lives.

 

Anyway, what I can say for your situation is that there is nothing you can do actually. Whatever you do, she will feel that you are pushing her into something she doesn't want and hence she will pull herself further away from you. Stay with NC. This help you both, and especially you. You now need to focus on yourself, change the way you look at life and get new habits of life. One habit that I had when I was with my ex was to call him whenever I had a bad or good experience. I used to share everything with him. Now that I am on NC, I can't call him. So, I developed other habits - like talking to my friends and family. Once you change the way you live, it is going to be much easier for you. And you have to do this. You cannot sit on the couch and wait for her to come back, because as she has said in the email, that day might never come.

 

I know you want some hope to cling to. IMO, there is hope only if you can survive this break up on your own and show her that you are one strong man.

 

I hope my reply helps you a little.

[kjo314]

I mean is there no hope at all...... Gosh I hate to say this.... I have a feeling I might have been to controlling and pushy to her to get engaged....... maybe that was what the problem was.... Maybe I was coming on to her too strong and it was stressing her out and I just wasn't listening.

 

Should I write her a letter telling her this. Explain what I have concluded after my reflection of this realationship. She says she still loves me and I honestly think she is saying "Move on because when I find out what I want it MIGHT not be you and I don't want to break your heart again" BUT she fell in love with me when her mind was clear last time. If her mind isn't clear now I mean when it gets clear won't she fall in love with me again.

 

The central core of everyone's being never changes... The outside might but deep down it won't. I might have been to controlling and pushy in this LDR and scared her off. That is why I am wondering what to do. Is there any hope. NO one quite understands how wonderful this woman is. That is why I can't lose her because she is so special.. Deep down I have this feeling that we are just going through a bad rut. But she shuts everyone including her family and friends out of her life so no one knows exatly what she is thinking. Only her... Please tell me what to do?

[johan]

I mean is there no hope at all...... Gosh I hate to say this.... I have a feeling I might have been to controlling and pushy to her to get engaged....... maybe that was what the problem was.... Maybe I was coming on to her too strong and it was stressing her out and I just wasn't listening.

 

Ok, I'm sure this will fall on deaf ears, but here goes: thinking like this is what makes you obsess about her and only her, makes it take forever to heal, and is probably logically wrong. By blaming yourself and looking for your flaws and mistakes, you are only punishing yourself. And this encourages you to think you could fix things with her. After all, if you can figure out what the problem is, then the solution is obvious. So KNOCK IT OFF, kjo314.

 

Should I write her a letter telling her this. Explain what I have concluded after my reflection of this realationship.

 

No. No more emails to discuss your relationship. No more "being friends". The best thing for you is to look forward in your life. Not backward at what you had with her.

 

She says she still loves me and I honestly think she is saying "Move on because when I find out what I want it MIGHT not be you and I don't want to break your heart again" BUT she fell in love with me when her mind was clear last time. If her mind isn't clear now I mean when it gets clear won't she fall in love with me again.

 

Her emails were very clear: by saying "I love you", she is only saying "I regard you highly." It isn't the type of love you want it to be. And there is nothing you can do to affect that.

 

The central core of everyone's being never changes... The outside might but deep down it won't. I might have been to controlling and pushy in this LDR and scared her off. That is why I am wondering what to do. Is there any hope. NO one quite understands how wonderful this woman is. That is why I can't lose her because she is so special.. Deep down I have this feeling that we are just going through a bad rut. But she shuts everyone including her family and friends out of her life so no one knows exatly what she is thinking. Only her... Please tell me what to do?

 

Again, don't blame yourself. You did your best and you have to understand that giving your best does not mean you get everything you want whenever you want it. It just means that you can walk away holding your head high and you can learn from what happened and apply those lessons to the next relationship.

 

This one is over. You have to let it be what it is and be as nice to yourself as possible. You risk wasting lots of extra time getting over her and possibly coming out of this with a really cynical attitude that will just turn you into a bastard for the next one to deal with.

[kjo314]

There has got to be a way.... Maybe she was confused... maybe she doesn't want the person I have turned into... I don't want to lose her... There has got to be hope.... I really did this and maybe she didn't like the person I have become.

[symbol]

I think you are in the denial stage of the breakup. It takes time for facts to sink in. Once they sink in, you will feel better.

 

There is absolutely nothing you can do. It was her that decided to break up with you. It could only be her again, to decide to take you back. You cannot change her mind. If you try to change her mind, she will not like that and will pull herself even further away. (I did this to my ex in the first week of the break up, I think he started hating me after a while.) You have to show her that you respect her decision and that you are not needy.

 

Keep NC. That is the ONLY way. Stop thinking about her and the relationship. Now is the time to think about yourself. So calm down and try to think clearly.

[kjo314]

Yea i might be in denial... But she told me that there is still hope for us and that she truely loves me... She even told her friend that she still had feelings for me and she is jsut confused right now...

[malachai]

i hear what most are saying on here about moving on. and i think in most cases, when you go through a breakup, there really isn't any chance of regaining that spark or getting back together.

 

that being said, i am one of the ones that believe that second chances can work, if all the pieces are in place. reading your situation, i think it sounds like there is a better than not chance that at some point the two of you might start again. i don't say that just because you seem to be in a really dark place and are searching for anyone to give you somthing to cling to. i do truly believe that the both of you really love eachother, but maybe she felt she needed to come up for air, and now she just needs to have some time to herself.

 

ok. so there might be a chance for a second shot in the future. if that's the case, you have to do everything to nurture that chance. which means you have to leave her alone for now. don't call her, don't take her calls. when you do (eventually) talk to her, be polite and treat her nicely but indifferently. let her see you without her. if there is any feelings on her side, they will likely grow stronger if she sees that you are not just sitting still, waiting for her return.

 

do things in the meantime that make you happy and peaceful. maybe a new hobby, maybe hanging out with friends, maybe volunteering. Do things to make yourself feel better, so that when you talk to her again, you are stronger, more confident, happier and (at least a little) content. if you can, try and date other girls, just to have fun. yeah, i know that last one probably seems impossible, since you will always have your ex in the back of your mind, but if you can date just to enjoy the company of others, to meet new people and hear new things, that will also help. and if your ex sees you dating again, she'll probably get upset and angry at first, then might start wondering how she could've given you up just so someone else could snatch you up.

 

yeah, i might be one of the few people here who believe in second chances, but i still do .

[kjo314]

I believe that she just needs air..... She told me she still loved me over the phone and that there was a chance in the future for us. When you mean be indifferent what do you mean by that... Also, when not taking her phone calls.... do you mean just like every now and then take them?? or ignore them completely because won't that piss her off to the point of her not wanting to talk to me anymore??

[kjo314]

Oh I forgot to mention she also told me she is very confused as to what she wants in life right now and she wants to be independant for a while so that she can get her life back on track and figure out what she wants??? Does this tend to lead toward more reconciliation and a second chance?

[malachai]

when i say indifferent, i mean there are no motives in your words or your voice. when you meet a stranger whom you have no feelings for, how do you talk to them? myself, i'm usually polite and courteous, but i'm not pushy, and i don't have an explicit agenda. what that means for you and your ex is not talking about "us". not mentioning the relationship, how much you've missed her, how you've changed (if that was an issue), anything dealing with the two of you. if she brings these things up (which she will), acknowledge them, and then change the subject to something nuetral. there's a balance between her knowing how you feel about her, which i'm assuming she does, and being independent and indifferent. and keep the conversations short.

 

as far as how long you should keep NC, well i think that depends entirely on who she is. only you can make that judgment. is she one who moves on quickly when things don't turn out the way she wants? or does she generally tend to keep after something if she really wants it? that should play a part. but it's definitely better to stay out of touch with her for as long as possible.

 

of course, all this depends entirely on what feelings she still holds for you. that part, as others have already stated, is out of your control. but from what i read from your posts, it seems she may have feelings for you, she just needs some time away to miss you.

[kjo314]

when is the time to brign up the stuff about the relationship I have realized I have done.. i ralized i let my low self esteem get the best of me and that i didn't trust her because of it. I also realize that I didn't know how to truely love her ... now I do... when do I share with her my reflections on this realtionship and what I can do to make it right.

[malachai]

when is the time to brign up the stuff about the relationship I have realized I have done

 

better to show her how you know what you did was wrong, than telling her. if you have jealousy issues, have you done anything to work on them? take this time away from her to build yourself into an emotionally strong person. work through your trust issues, your low self-esteem, your ability to be happy, etc. it is more important to work on yourself right now so that you have stronger character in your next relationship (with her or with someone else). otherwise, you'll find yourself going through the same thing over and over. if you build yourself into a better person, you don't need to say it, because it will be visible to all on the outside.

 

you don't need to be bringing up how you were in the relationship, and your reflections on what you did wrong. like i said, let her be the one talking about this stuff. acknowledge these things, but try to spend as little time talking about the relationship as you can. for a while at least.

 

and always try to stay positive and upbeat around her. she needs to see that you are happy and not desperate or needy without her.

 

good luck to you