I love her but I still look at her

[IxHopexYouxChoke]

Okay first of all I wanna thank you for taking time to read this. My name is Ali Degand. I had my first seriously relationship last year. Her name was Tiffany. We got together March 8th, 2004. She left me March 1st, 2005. I remember everything, the first time I told her I loved her, the first intimate night. Hell, I remember the first time I saw her, I just knew I had to be with her or just become friends with her atleast. I was also her first serious relationship. Well about 3months into the relationship she started getting mad at me because I didnt really wanna do anything. Then one night she cut and blamed it on me. I told my bestfriend Bailey who is now my exbestfriend and we will get into that later. Well Bailey was like, 'Dude, just call me with her cause thats bull****.' So I called Bailey on 3way with Tiffany, worst ****ing mistake ever made. So I remember Bailey yelling at her and I was like, 'Dude shut the **** up dont treat my girlfriend like that.' Anyways We got over that little fight but soon I realized that Bailey gave her number to Tiffany...Tiffany started becoming really good friends with Bailey and I mean really good friends. I thought nothing of it at first then when Tiffany blew me off to be with Bailey thats when I started thinking. I said nothing but I noticed that Tiffany started lying and when I got on 3way with the both of them they acted different and they were both so touchy and when I told Tiffany I loved her she acted like she didnt wanna say it back. We started getting into fights about stupid ****. Thats when I started drinking alot again. Then October 21st out of the blue Tiffany was like, 'Ali what would you do if I broke up with you?' My heart broke. I was like Tiffany what the **** are you trying to say. Then I called Bailey and I got them both on 3way I waited on that ****ing line for an hour while they was on the other line talking. Then finally when they clicked back over Tiffany was like, 'Ali I love you so much please dont leave me.' A couple months after that Bailey told me Tiffany was cheating on me but she wouldnt tell me with who. Finally I broke down in January and got sent to the mental hospital. That day someone kept calling my cell phone with a blocked number and they left me a voicemail so I checked it and it was Tiffany. She was crying on the voicemail saying she did me wrong and that she didnt know what she was thinking and that we had to talk and that shes afraid Im gonna leave her. Well the people at the mental hospital told me I had 5minutes. So yeah 5minutes to try to get ahold of her, I called the number she left on my voicemail but no answer. My grandpa brought my cell in that weekend and I checked it, there was another voicemail from her saying that I need to call her and that I shouldnt talk to Bailey until I talk to her first. The whole time no one knew I was in the mental hospital except my family. Finally I got out. She left me one last voice mail...'Ali...baby...you mean so much to me, I never wanna lose you, the past 10months of my life have been so amazing, Im sorry for all the fights, Ive done some bad stuff Ali, you deserve so much more. I love you Ali Marie Degand.' That just tore my heart apart so there I was sitting in the car waiting for my grandpa to come back from Taco Bell. Then finally March 1st she called...Bailey told her **** about me so thats why she messed around with Bailey. I never cheated on Tiffany. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She was there for me when my Grandma was in the hospital. I thought she was the one. The day she called though she was...just not herself. That night I went crazy. Finally at the end of the month a girl named Chelsea walked into my life. I never open to people at all that much and well that night I told her everything. I got so close to her. Now here it is Christmas eve and yes Im with Chelsea. Neither of us remember when we hooked up. But anyways, the thing is I love her alot, she is everything Ive ever wanted plus more. It scares me because I love her more than I loved Tiffany. Now yesterday Caroline, a friend of Bailey and Tiffanys, called me and started saying ****. Turns out Tiffany and Caroline was making fun of a song I wrote and posted on myspace for Tiffany. Now Chelsea is okay with the song cause I wrote it after we broke up. Here is the thing, Tiffany trys to get in touch with me and I ignore her because about a week after she left me she IMed me saying that I was the worst mistake and the biggest **** up ever. It just pisses me off how she comes into my life saying that she loves me and wants me back. I know she never really loved me. I just dont know what to do. I find myself sitting in my room at night looking at stuff I wrote for her. Then last night I was looking at myspaces and saw Tiffany...I felt so awkward seeing her kiss some guy after she was supposed to be a lesbian. I just guess I dont know. Like I love Chelsea, I honestly truly do, I swear on everything. Id give up my dream for her, Id give up my music for her. But when I see Tiffany kissing some guy I get so pissed and I think about what we had then realize it was a joke and it was never real to her then that pisses me off more. Like tonight when I saw her picture again I went outside and smoked then wrote a song about a murder and yes she was on my mind when I wrote it. What do I do? I know Im over her...but why do I get so mad and upset when I see her picture?

 

Please help me.

 

Again thank you for taking the time to read this it means alot.

[Outcast]

AUGH!!!

 

Dude, it's a killer trying to read one continuous block of text like that. Please, I beg you, use paragraphs!!!

[RainyDayWoman]

AUGH!!!

 

Dude, it's a killer trying to read one continuous block of text like that. Please, I beg you, use paragraphs!!!

 

i think this would have been a difficult read, with or without spacing....

[kitkat826]

First, I would warn you about posting your full name, especially since you have your location listed.

 

Secondly, I think its normal to still have traces of feelings for exes that surface when you see pictures and such things of them. However, if you truly love this current GF Chelsea as you claim, you are going to need to let go of the emotional ties you still have to Tiffany. It is clear that you have trouble dealings with your negaitve emotions in a healthy way (the time in the mental hospital that you describe, the song you wrote about murder while thinking of Tiffany, and the fact that your screen name says "I Hope You Choke", for example). Knowing this about yourself, I would be very careful of how you let Tiffany to continue to be a part of your conscious and emotional life. You simply cannot develop a good relationship with Chelsea if you are still so strongly affected by Tiffany and her current actions.