HELLLPPPP BROKEN HEART!!! Soryy It's long!!

[Christina1977]

Hello,

I'm Christina, I'm new to this site, but saw that people have a lot of good wisdom, so I'm just going to lay it out for you guys to help me! I know I'm not going to want to hear some of it, and maybe I will hear some good news too....Thanks for reading this....!!! Please try to.

 

OK... Here it is. Two years ago I met a man online on a christian website. There was a large geographical distance so I only thought of him as a buddy. We had a great connection, same kind of heart, we really get each other. He used to call me and send letters, email and msn. Even when I didn't respond that much. He would still contact me.

Just over a month ago he moved here to Seattle to start a new life and is living with friends (I knew 2 years ago he was thinking of coming here anyways).

From the moment we met it was magic. HE GETS ME! We laughed we cried we shared so much. HE was so sweet, really swept me off my feet. On the 3rd time out together we kissed. We didn't stop kissing ever since, hehe but nothing more than that because of our beliefs. He told me how amazing I was, how beautiful. And we have spent every weekend and some weekdays together since. I know I got to be a little clingy and expecting, and emotional...

A few times through the month he expressed that he really felt we needed to be friends. He said maybe he needed more time, don't push me, I don't know...let me fly away and do my life, and then see what happens. Well, I guess I heard his words but he seemed to still be so affectionate with me I felt it was ok to still snuggle up to him, and I did. We ended up kissing still. He made me feel like I could let down my guard show him my heart telling him everything. He said he wanted to be my best friend besides God. When he said he needed to be friends right now cause he can't start a relationship (he just moved here getting a job, trying to find an apartment, has little money) right now, he knew he was hurting me. He cried so hard saying, I feel like I'm going to lose you, I don't want to lose you. That's what he said 2 nights ago as well when he gave me the final verdict. Don't wait for me. I don't think I'm the person for you. I'm answering your hard question. But in the same breath he said, down the road if God shows me you're the love of my life, maybe it will be but right now NO. Is he saying he doesnt' want me to have hope cause he wants me to not have the expectation? Or he just doesn't want ME. Is it really done for good? I can't just be a friend anymore. It hurts too much I'm in agony. Did I ruin it with the too much too fast thing? It is too late to change it?

He said I'm going to call you soon. I said ok see ya I'll see ya next year.HEHE He said. Thru his tears he said "Don't SAY THAT!!' I said well that's only next week.... He's like ok... LIke he can't bear to be away from me... but he doesn't want to be with me?? Is it that I gave him too much of my heart? Too much pressure for how early? There was a great beginning with his interest there and mine too, but then it got really emotional, he knew my expectations, I want a husband... I'm 28 blah blah... Now he's just saying NO. End of story.

I emailed him and told him I can't see him for 2 months. Maybe this will help me to focus. I know he's going to miss me, he does care for me and wants to be around me. Now I'm stuck. HELP!!!!!

What I want to know is.... After the NC is over, and I have a new attitude, no neediness, no expectation, no snuggles, no longing looks of desperation for him, and I act like a strong woman with a mission, is it possible that this beautiful friendship we both enjoy could blossom if it's not rushed? Or does it sound like he's really being super honest, you will never be the one for me?? I have actually heard him say both things in the same Breath........AAAAAAHHHHH!!! Also.... I know he wants a woman who is really in shape and he thinks I'm beautiful, but I'm 50 lbs overweight. I'm working it though. Maybe this is a blinder for him????

I know I need to move forward, This is so hard. I hope someone on here will read this long letter and give me your heartfelt advice. Thanks!!!!

 

Christina in Recovery

[Christina1977]

Someone please reply!!! HEHE... My other question is.... when he contacts me again, what's the best way to be....disposition wise???

I'm so confused. I felt like he had real feelings for me. I can't stand the thought of him dreaming of someone else for his future.

 

Christina

[Gomen]

Would you be OK if he were committed but not always available?

 

How old are you two?

[Christina1977]

Yes I would be... But I don't really understand that question, cause he's saying he can't even be the one for me... I don't get it... Anyways, we're both 28.....

[riobikini]

Dear Christina:

 

Your thread did not say whether you had exchanged full-length photos with each other, so I can't speak (for certain) as to whether the extra weight was a particular concern for this guy.

 

Generally-speaking, tho, and as you are well aware of, extra weight is sometimes a turn-off for some guys.

 

But there are multitudes of wonderful ppl who search past the outer distractions of another human being and zero in on the qualifications which make up a beautiful, intelligent, caring inner being.

 

It sounds as if, your guy had gotten to know the 'you' that you presented via internet pretty well and had fallen for the virtual 'you' over time.

 

The thing about internet relationships (romances, especially), that make me wince, is that, while you are sharing deep emotions, personal information about yourself, and giving a picture of your lifestyle, and expectations, -you are still, strangely, in a sense, a one-dimensional object and a fragment of technology until you have actually met in person.

 

Seeing the live, smiling, multidimensional person standing in front of you, actually breathing, sipping Starbucks coffee, and dropping crumbs on the table from the pastry they're eating, suddenly warps the relationship into the 'real' world and, after the initial giddiness wears off, calls for a review of the tons of information you have logged about your internet 'love'.

 

You will connect all the dots of info given throughout the virtual relationship to the live, in-person human being you now have met.

 

You will begin judging how much is outright false, and how much was virtual enhancement caused by the boldness many assume with internet relationships, and you will mentally 'try out' the results of that, like fitting puzzle pieces into a puzzle, with your 'real' lifestyle and real-life goals.

 

If the pieces 'fit', you may continue to build on the relationship.

 

If they don't, you may withdraw.

 

I have compared internet relationships to those that have happened long before the invention of telephones and the Model T Ford; the days when letters were used as a means to carry out long-distance romances, that, by the way, did result in many marriages.

 

Some had never even met and were married within a short period after meeting for the first time, having made their commitment to marriage during the years of romantic letter-writing.

 

But the internet has produced this concept 'in mass' and catapulted it far beyond the slow-paced letter-writing romances of times well past.

 

Virtual relationships do have the ability to emerge from the computer screen and become very real, very promising, viable relationships.

 

It sounds like your guy just got his first dose of cold feet after being introduced to the 'real' you.

 

NOTE: The tears he has cried DO confuse me, tho. What truly caused them could be of key interest to much of your situation, I believe.

 

I am reserving opinion, due to lack of information, on those tears.

 

He may have had (or still has), this pristine image of you from the computer screen, and has perceived you as being almost unattainable because of the information you have given him about yourself that created his image of you in his mind.

 

Maybe he feels you are too good for him....you did say he has no current work, but is looking.

 

All the things he told you about himself, (and it's time you looked at this as a 'possible answer) , -may not be true and he's afraid you will find out.

 

The next possible answer may be that, he simply prefers you as a friend, after all.

 

If he is truly in love with you, or sees the possibility of someday being in a much deeper relationship with you, you are correct in putting on the brakes and slowing things down a bit.

 

Love takes time....and under the circumstances, (even tho you've had the internet closeness), you need to build something outside a computer hard-drive.

 

Keep your green light on....slow down the contact....(I realize you are NC by choice, -don't know if I agree with total no contact, but...), -go on with your day-to-day routine, and if he contacts you, don't drop the glass you're holding, scramble for your keys, trample the dog on your way to the front door, and race over to his apartment all out of breath and panting.

 

Keep your head on straight and maintain some grown-up dignity.

 

Think 'casual'...i.e. put yourself in an easy-going casual frame of mind if you both agree on talking or meeting.

 

Don't even think 'candles and romance'.

 

Get to know him all over again.

 

And keep us posted.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio