Perspective

[ZA Dater]

After this afternoon I am walking away from any romantic idea on the advice of someone else. All I am doing here is once again aspiring to date people I really find attractive rather than people who find me attractive. I really enjoy her company but that is about all I can hope for here, wish I was someone else who is attractive but frankly I find myself wishing that most days, especially after a decade on OLD paid sites.

I'll still help her and share my network and if she makes contact and suggests a coffee I'll go and enjoy her company and the attention I'd get. I'll keep working on things that make me feel good even if they wont really pay any dividends with regard to dating.

Sorry for wasting everyone's time. Again

Edited February 9 by ZA Dater

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

After this afternoon I am walking away from any romantic idea on the advice of someone else.

Can’t say I’m surprised. I feel sad for you as your life (at least your love life) is completely driven by fear. Your fear of rejection totally overrides everything else. To you, being rejected is worse than death itself. You likely have an anxiety disorder (social anxiety = fear of rejection) but since you reject the idea of therapy, there’s really no way for you to break free from the fear. Again, it’s sad to know someone will die with pretty much nothing but regret for all the risks in love they didn’t take. But such is your life and I’m assuming you’re pretty happy or else you’d be driven to change it.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Can’t say I’m surprised. I feel sad for you as your life (at least your love life) is completely driven by fear. Your fear of rejection totally overrides everything else. To you, being rejected is worse than death itself. You likely have an anxiety disorder (social anxiety = fear of rejection) but since you reject the idea of therapy, there’s really no way for you to break free from the fear. Again, it’s sad to know someone will die with pretty much nothing but regret for all the risks in love they didn’t take. But such is your life and I’m assuming you’re pretty happy or else you’d be driven to change it.

I have been advised to not try in this instance so I am going to head that advice and to be fair it's probably good advice based on my past record of wanting to date people I find attractive versus ones who actually find me attractive. Sadly I suspect there will never be an instance where the two align. 

Believe me you cannot imagine what being lonely all the time feels like but then again I cant imagine what being homeless feels like so there are people with greater adversity.

For what its worth I have no desire for further rejection, it's all I know basically so yes if I am.told that is the likely scenario I'll walk away, in this case very reluctantly but again it you who told me aspirational dating is bad.

[semble]

On 2/10/2024 at 5:42 AM, ZA Dater said:

I have been advised to not try in this instance so I am going to head that advice

You met a woman who is what you've been looking for,  you find her attractive and you'd like to take her on a date.

But someone told you not to try so you're just going to give up.

Well that certainly says a lot about why you're still single after over a decade.

 

[Wiseman2]

This is a good idea since you feel no one is attractive enough for you and all the beautiful charming supermodels should just be throwing themselves at you with no effort whatsoever on your part.  Ordinary women just aren't good enough for you and don't need to be rejected by men with unrealistic expectations. Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love  make people with certain personalities feel special. 

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, semble said:

You met a woman who is what you've been looking for,  you find her attractive and you'd like to take her on a date.

But someone told you not to try so you're just going to give up.

Well that certainly says a lot about why you're still single after over a decade.

 

Point taken, at the end of the day she clearly is not interested in anything more than getting into my circle. 

People here often say I don't listen to advice but actually I do, often contemplating it for quite some time. When a guy I have been friends with for twenty odd years tells me to leave something I tend to take notice.

What I am prepared to try here is the friend zone because I think I can add some value and I am a bit more confident and know my value at that. 

Unattractive, no confidence that's why I am single!

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is a good idea since you feel no one is attractive enough for you and all the beautiful charming supermodels should just be throwing themselves at you with no effort whatsoever on your part.  Ordinary women just aren't good enough for you and don't need to be rejected by men with unrealistic expectations. Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, attractiveness, and ideal love  make people with certain personalities feel special. 

Well here I did find someone ordinary with extraordinary communication skills and intellect nevermind being in shape with no kids. 

Like everyone I am going to desire what makes me feel good. 

If she were really keen I'd get more than three word text's. Maybe one lesson I can pass on of value is do everything you can to build confidence, if I'd done things differently earlier in life I am very sure I'd not be where I am now. 

All is not lost, I'll continue seeing her around, sure she will need me for XYZ, am sure we will see each other in a sort of business setting.

[FredEire]

I think maybe you should forget about dating altogether for a while. Get into the gym and try some different martial arts, maybe take up music. Anything to change your focus and better you as a man.

It might make you realise romance and dating is actually just part of part of life and allow you to stop idealising women so much you get frightened and don't even try. Believe it or not even the most beautiful woman has a lot of the same fears and doubts as you, we're all just human beings.

If you can stop dehumanising women and yourself I think you might have more success, but you need to get a lot more grounded and also braver first.

[ZA Dater]

17 hours ago, FredEire said:

I think maybe you should forget about dating altogether for a while. Get into the gym and try some different martial arts, maybe take up music. Anything to change your focus and better you as a man.

It might make you realise romance and dating is actually just part of part of life and allow you to stop idealising women so much you get frightened and don't even try. Believe it or not even the most beautiful woman has a lot of the same fears and doubts as you, we're all just human beings.

If you can stop dehumanising women and yourself I think you might have more success, but you need to get a lot more grounded and also braver first.

I am quite happy with who I am as a person, sure I'd like to find confidence but I have been looking for that for years. Its about as easy to find as oil in the Sahara. Sure, I agree its part of life and its easy to look at it that way, everyone around me has the same view, I am just working on accepting some people get it right and others do not. The simple reason I am bothering here is there is zero indication of interest, as with every single time I have tried this, its a case of "well he is good enough for helping me with XYZ  but too unattractive to date" and the rejection arrives like a smack to the face and frankly I'd rather not experience that.....again. 

My judgement is poor which does not help either, for example and thank goodness I did ask this forum, I thought about sending her a gift for valentines day, in my mind this was an acceptable kind gesture, thanks to the super helpful people here I was corrected and that idea was scrapped. I then think why I even thought the idea was a good one, how many other ideas of mine are fundamentally poor? 

What I would like is to take her to an out of town dinner event I am having, my idea is to just book two rooms and invite her to join me. She likes the group of people and has mentioned she would be keen, again this is probably a bad idea but my motivation here is to share something I enjoy and I think she would enjoy too. 

Let me guess this is a poor idea?

[ZA Dater]

I am sure this has happened to many and I can be added to the list, went on one my stupid "like everyone on Tinder" and see who likes me back, yes its a stupid idea and it begets mostly silly results but this time I matched with someone who clearly had an AI generated picture, I was bored so decided to chat to her anyway and while the conversation was ok I was not too rivetted, apparently her reason for the fake pic was privacy, not sure I bought this completely so moved over to WhatsApp (a monumental mistake on my part) and chatted for a few hours saw a face pic but what I found odd about this whole exchange she is proceeded to tell me all about herself, right down to where she lived which I thought was odd for someone worried about privacy.

Then overshares about her family and work, OK I roll with this which I found disconcerting but then "well I can only meet you in about a 4 weeks" and  suddenly "I am starting with my personal trainer tomorrow" which I found all rather odd but again I cant help but wonder if I have any idea who this person is.

She shares her work day which sounds like fiction but again I play along with this. Ultimately the mistake I made here was to actually over share my contact and I should have cut off contact when she admitted she did not use her own pic. Best part is she has told me she has deleted the app....she is still very much there.

Basically what interested me here was the way she tried to walk back being openly deceptive and to try paint a different picture she thought I would take a shine too. Granted I saw this as an opportunity for a friendly conversation but would I meet her? Would you meet her?

It just seems the number of red flags are too high and a lot of what she says seems to border on being fiction at best. On other side I can understand why people try this, does not make it right though. At 45 she not exactly at an age where one should be playing these sort of game, in my opinion at least.

[Alpacalia]

Didn't you catfish yourself as a beautiful women once? Not that two wrongs make a right but at least she came clean about not being her and you had a good chat.

Catfish - In Search Of... - LoveShack.org

Edited March 4 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

Tinder is rife with scammers. But if you play these "who likes me?" games a lot you'll probably run in to more than usual. 

[Weezy1973]

I shouldn’t have done this thing. Then I did the thing. Which brought me to another thing that I shouldn’t have done. And I did it.  And all the flags to indicate I shouldn’t move forward. And then I continued. What do you guys think? 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

I shouldn’t have done this thing. Then I did the thing. Which brought me to another thing that I shouldn’t have done. And I did it.  And all the flags to indicate I shouldn’t move forward. And then I continued. What do you guys think? 

I probably should not have started to begin with! No argument there I was bored and looking for someone to chat to, again not much excuse.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Didn't you catfish yourself as a beautiful women once? Not that two wrongs make a right but at least she came clean about not being her and you had a good chat.

Catfish - In Search Of... - LoveShack.org

I did yes as an attractive guy (one can dream I suppose 🤣) so yes I suppose that boot is on the other foot now.

[Wiseman2]

You're not alone there are apps you can use for an AI chatbot virtual GF .

Might be a better solution since chatbots can't report you or scam you. 

" a  man in possession of a computer must be in want of an AI girlfriend.  paid ChatGPT users can buy and sell customized chatbots and the offerings include a large selection of digital girlfriends"

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're not alone there are apps you can use for an AI chatbot virtual GF .

Might be a better solution since chatbots can't report you or scam you. 

" a  man in possession of a computer must be in want of an AI girlfriend.  paid ChatGPT users can buy and sell customized chatbots and the offerings include a large selection of digital girlfriends"

No thanks I'll rather be alone the resort to something so contrived as AI. Heck I may just go and meet the cat fish. Must say she has crafted a very elaborate narrative.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I was bored so decided to chat to her anyway

You really badly need a hobby if this is what you resort to when you're bored, man. 

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

At 45 she not exactly at an age where one should be playing these sort of game,

She can't play the game if men like you don't play right along with her. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

No thanks I'll rather be alone the resort to something so contrived as AI. Heck I may just go and meet the cat fish. Must say she has crafted a very elaborate narrative.

 

No, don't do that. If you're looking to make a connection with someone this is not the way to go about it. Best not to waste your time.

[ZA Dater]

17 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

No, don't do that. If you're looking to make a connection with someone this is not the way to go about it. Best not to waste your time.

Yeah look I think I am going to take your advice, the narrative sounds good but the reality is the story does not make a lot of sense. 

[BaileyB]

So basically, you’ve chosen to do something that has reinforced your belief that you are not successful with dating, that women have poor intentions, and it’s “better to be alone” than to have to suffer this latest indignity. 

But the thing is, when you chose to go fishing with a baseball bat - you can’t really be surprised or indignant that you didn’t catch anything. 

If you want to meet a good woman, a quality person, you probably aren’t going to find her on Tinder. And if you do, you are going to have to suffer through a series of experiences exactly like this one - just like the rest of us!

So, there are red flags and you do not get a good feeling. You end the conversation and go on with your life… Unfortunately, there are all kinds out there - men and women - you block and avoid and go on with your life… End of story. 

Edited March 4 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

Basically you're telling us that you made a bunch of bad decisions and ignored a bunch of red flags, because you were "bored".  Don't complain that you have no luck in dating if this is the way you are going to spend your time.  Maybe don't make bad decisions?

[ZA Dater]

52 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

So basically, you’ve chosen to do something that has reinforced your belief that you are not successful with dating, that women have poor intentions, and it’s “better to be alone” than to have to suffer this latest indignity. 

But the thing is, when you chose to go fishing with a baseball bat - you can’t really be surprised or indignant that you didn’t catch anything. 

If you want to meet a good woman, a quality person, you probably aren’t going to find her on Tinder. And if you do, you are going to have to suffer through a series of experiences exactly like this one - just like the rest of us!

So, there are red flags and you do not get a good feeling. You end the conversation and go on with your life… Unfortunately, there are all kinds out there - men and women - you block and avoid and go on with your life… End of story. 

Yes I did not go fishing with a the right tools, that much is true.  I am never surprised I never catch anything but I was surprised at this very elaborate story the more I hear the less sense it appears to make, of course I firmly fall into the "if its too good to be true" school of thinking. Oh yes I have many "interesting" experiences but I suppose the whole quality person is so subjective that you are right OLD is probably not the place to find that person. 

People here have seemingly mostly found people in social settings which is telling. The reason I did not end the conversation was I once again go pulled into something that seemed good and it was nice to have someone to chat for a while, I have a lot of things going on at the moment and it was good to just have that person.

[Sony12]

Have you given them much in the way of personal information yet?

Edited March 4 by Sony12

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Have you given them much in the way of personal information yet?

Very little and I am going to scale the conversation right back and basically say I am not actually looking at this time. She has however given a fair amount of personal information but what has been supplied makes very little sense in the context of the career she say she is in.