Roarz Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Well, after FINALLY taking everyone's advice on NC, suprise suprise that it worked. A week after starting it, she begins to spy on me through another screen name (since I blocked her), and then a few days later (last night) I get a text asking to see her that night, because it was really important and to give ehr a chance, it wouldn't take long, blah blah. So, since I am a sappily nice guy, I decide to give her a chance to explain (I guess everyone deserves at least that). A short recap on her actions: Broke up with me and a week later was dating another guy, which ended up with him dumping her via text message after a few days. Throughout this breakup, I had fallen for her so hard, that I continually put up with a lot, and it was by far way too much. While we hung out, she would tell me things like she kissed someone the other night, the new guy she left me for "looked cute in a cowboy hat" and such after repeatedly saying that it was not ok to talk to about, ever. After just letting her come to me (she always invites me out, I don't initiate), she continued to act like an ass with the whole new relationship talk and then when I got angry for being asked out to eat, and then being ignored while she talked to some random person that walked up for TEN minutes, I got this in response: Sorry I'm popular, get over it. That's when I finally had enough, told her off, and went actual NC. Tonight she called me out there to apologize. She said this being her first semester in college, she had went crazy with the freedom, and it was true. She told me that it was over now and she had snapped out of it and had disassociated herself from the party scene, to which I could only say "We'll just have to see". Apparently she got this insight from talking with her "good friend" (which was later revealed to be the guy she dated right after me). No, I didn't reassure her that her actions were ok. I told her that it was pretty much bull**** the entire way and no one deserves to be treated like that. Basically, she said she's sorry that she ruined her entire 3+ year friendship for me within a month and gave a very weak excuse (about talking about other relationship things) that she "just doesn't think before she speaks". She doesn't want us to stop talking or being friends, but knows that this very well could be impossible now. It was strange, because all during the breakup, I had slowly taught myself to hate her. Everytime I thought of a good thing about her, I'd immedietly make myself replace it with something bad. But we actually had a few good laughs that night, like nothing had ever gone wrong. At the end I just told her that I couldn't give her an answer to whether or not we could be anything at all anymore and that if we were, it would take quite a long time to work her back into my life. She accepted this and left seemingly sad. Since you all have given me such good advice before (when I actually took it, it worked), what should I do now? I know you'll tell me to do whatever I want to do, but that's just it. I don't know what I want. On the one hand, I did have a lot of fun just talking last night and do like her as a friend, but on the other she treated me so badly, it's scary to trust her again. And deep down inside I wish that she would want to try again and that's where it's even more confusing. She was sure to include in all this that "don't think that this is leading to us getting back together again, that's not what I am getting at" and her "good friend" obviously has me deterred. I know, she told me straight up, so don't even go getting any ideas. But, she was dressed to the tee last night, fancy earrings, makeup and all. And later that night, she IM'ed me and would not stop talking (I took a while inbetween responses and only gave half assed replies, so eventually she got the hint and stopped). Since she broke up with me right when this "phase" started, I also wonder if it means that she has her old feelings now too and is just too ashamed to even ask. She doesn't even think she deserves to be my friend, but wanted to apologize. Haha, maybe I am just reading too much into it, but anyway, you can still give me advice on the friend portion. If she really does seem to have changed into a likable person again, is it ok to forgive and be her friend? Has anyone had to go through this before with someone? And if I wanted to be more than friends later, where would I go from now? Continue NC or just have limited involvement in her life? I am not sure if being friends would ruin it, since most people say once you are in the "friend" zone it's impossible to get out. You guys have given me spot on advice in the past, and I'm hoping you can again. Thanks for any responses.
FWIW Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Well it isn't true love, or you'd still be together. So why waste your lovin' feelings on the wrong girl? Keep all that in reserve for when the right one comes along. Just play it cool and keep her as a friend, let her do all the running to make up for her behaviour. If you salvage a good friendship from this, that's good, but it's up to her to realise how much she values that. Don't get all mushy about it, and keep a bit distant. She'll prove whether she wants friendship again or not.. or more, perhaps. 'Real love' doesn't get stuck in the friend zone, it can even blossom out of the friend zone - it grows all the time, it doesn't regress. Like I said, just take it easy and see what happens. Any hastiness or eagerness will backfire on you and you'll regret it. Season's Greetings - Christ is for life, not just for Christmas
In Sync Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 First you need to decide what kind of relationship do you deserve in your life. What do you what? And like anything else that we succeed with, don't settle for less. Do you really in your heart of hearts think you two can be friends. When someone os your friend, they should be able to talk to you about the happenings in their lives, vice versa...do you want to hear about her future conquests, doesn't sound like it. And in the back of your mnd there will always be a tiny inkling of hope that you two could get together, but also hanging in the back of your mind is the anticipation she might go off with another. Why do you need that? Would your life be so much emptier if you cooled it off and let her do her thing and you do yours. NC is not suppose to be a tool to manipulate her to get her to call you back because you didn't contact her...it's a healing process. It's uncomfortable to go through so the natural response is to break it and resume contact with the same person who was at the core of the original grief. Use NC for you, and accept that it feels awklward and hard and at times lonely...but at the sme time REALLY REALLY look at what kind of relationships you deserve. Loving ones or ones that at full of BS mindgames. (I've realized that in my past relationship BS is also a distraction from boredom...it's easier to stick with aless fulfilling friendship than to abandon the crappy one and seek out something better) That's what I think...HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
CaliGuy Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Haha, maybe I am just reading too much into it, but anyway, you can still give me advice on the friend portion. If you want the entire cake, don't settle for crumbs. If she really does seem to have changed into a likable person again, is it ok to forgive and be her friend? 1. She hasn't changed in a week and 2. It's not ok to just be her friend. She'll string you along and tug at your emotions while she's out there checking out other guys. She's very immature and her comments prove it. On top of this she has made it clear she doesn't want to get back together. Has anyone had to go through this before with someone? And if I wanted to be more than friends later, where would I go from now? Once she thinks of you as 'just a friend' that's all you'll ever be if you allow it. If you want more then don't settle for friends. Continue NC or just have limited involvement in her life? Stick to NC. No involvement in her life if you want more than just a friendship. I am not sure if being friends would ruin it, since most people say once you are in the "friend" zone it's impossible to get out. You guys have given me spot on advice in the past, and I'm hoping you can again. Thanks for any responses. Don't be friends unless that's what you're willing to settle for the rest of your relationship. However I like others wonder if this is the right girl for you. She's very immature, insecure and passive/aggressive. A bad combination for a good relationship. She just doesn't sound like she has the tools to be a great s/o. In other words I think if you pursue her you're going to be in for more headaches and heartbreak. Just my $0.02.
Author Roarz Posted December 24, 2005 Author Posted December 24, 2005 I suppose you all are right...I shouldn't just go back to the way things are because that would just make it seem like she can get away with anything with no reprecussions. I guess I don't even think I could stand being friends. It was nice to talk and all, but in the back of my mind I also wanted to strangle her for what she did. I suppose I will just accept the apology and continue on the path of cutting her out for good. Although I still have no idea how this makes someone want you back, it's better for me and will probably have better results than a quasi-friendship (which was tried before, I don't know why I think it will be any different just because she says it will be). Thanks for the replies, once again LS has proven to be invaluable.
Author Roarz Posted December 24, 2005 Author Posted December 24, 2005 Ugh, I was looking around Myspace for the first time in a long time, thinking that since I was already feeling bad about the contact and had her on my mind why not. And so I looked on her "good friend's" page and saw in the comments from her "I miss you like crazy! I can't wait to see you!". She tells me that there's nothing going on at all between them and that she doesn't like him anymore. But people don't just put things like that for "just friends" do they? I wish I could just get past all of this. All this time I'd been secretely wishing she'd contact me so I knew she cared but now I wish that the silence would have just kept on going. Why couldn't she have just left things alone? I was so much happier a few days ago when I had finally started to put her out of my mind for good. I dont understand why she keeps wanting to come back into my life and then at the same time keep telling me that it's not leading to a new relationship. I started to write a huge email about how much she's hurt me, why we can't be friends because I don't forgive her, ect, but then I just had to stop myself, because what good would it really do? I feel like I have to constantly plan and moniter everything I do about her so as to "maximize" getting back together and looking strong. And it's even worse when there's conflicting advice saying it's ok to forgive and be friends and other people say RAWR NC FOREVER!! It's all just so crappy and confusing.. At this rate I feel like I'll never get over it. I just want all of this to stop.
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