Am I so weird??

December 23, 2005

Hi again everyone!!! I havent been around lately, b/c I got bogged down/worn out from nursing school....but I'm back with some issues I could use some help on.

I met this guy, we talked on the phone for a while and it was great...he came over tuesday and ended up staying the night b/c he lives kinda far and it was like 3am...from what I've gathered about him so far he's amazing. Exact same tastes in things and ideas about things/issues, he's thoughtful/mindful of other people, he has a nonchalant wisdom and intelligence, etc etc. We didnt kiss or anything, but there was some caressing (not really down below, just on the torso, arms, back, hand).

I would LOVE to get to know him better. There is definate chemistry there on various levels. The problem is that he has a girlfriend....UGH! Theyve been together for nearly 2 yrs, and he says that for a while he's been wondering if theres someone better.

In an email he wrote this:

Actually, she and I keep having our bad moments. I’m not soliciting here, just saying that life is riddled with uncertainty.

When we talked about it in person he said that there are numerous things about her (which he didnt go into too much depth about b/c he doesnt want to paint someone in a bad light and make them sound horrible to someone that doesnt know the person) that really irritate him and some differences that make him wonder if they are things that will/could change and get better, or if she will always be that way. He cant stand how dirty and disorganized she keeps things, she's never on time for anything and often they are 1 or more hours late for things, etc. I told him that with my ex, I had finally had enough, and realized that I couldnt wait for him to change b/c that could take many years. He said that he's trying to figure it out, and that its nice to be able to talk about it, blah blah blah. He also told me that b/c of the holidays and plans they have he'll be with her, and cant do anything...I think it was understood that it meant he wouldnt be calling or anything until after then. (yay...so I get to wait)

I'm ASSuming that he must be confused, or a player, or a half-cheater, or doesnt really love her or want to be with her since he came over, spent the night, and said all of that stuff. He said that she's not a jealous person and he was going to be honest with her. Maybe he's looking for a way out? Maybe he's playing me? I dont know at all.

When he left I said something like "well, hope to see you sometime" (lighthearted), and he said "yeah, we'll keep in touch" with a hug and kiss on the cheek. (that kinda sounded wierd to me, does it to ya'll??)

He had made me a CD, and I wrote him saying "thats the best CD ever!! i love it", and he text'd me back with "glad you like the mix"

I didnt write anything back...I decided to wait for something a little deeper to respond to...like a phonecall, or text "how are you" "what are you up to"

What do yall think about this? I really wish he'd just break up w/ her, b/c he doesnt seem to be all into their relationship...and b/c I want to get to know him better. I am concerned about how he apparently has no problem going to another girls house while he's with someone....however, I am still hanging onto my ex 'just in case' as well, so we're kind of doing the same thing I guess.

December 23, 2005

he's just hedging his bets, definitely into you, but not ready to give up on his gf

he's obviously confused about what to do, if I were you I'd push him into making a decision

December 23, 2005

thank you for your input...its quite helpful!!!

I forgot to add that I'm really miserable about this....and I think I'm really crazy for being so down and sad about it. The feelings (emotional and physical)/talking/etc with him was intense....I want him sooo bad. I feel like a little obsessed girl in middle school...thats how bad it is!! I havent ever fallen for someone like this...just sitting around, not really eating much, being bummed out...irritated that I dont know whats going on...scared that I'm being lead on. Is something wrong with me?!? HAHAHA

December 23, 2005

I've known many women and some men who won't end a relationship until a new one is all lined up.

Sounds like he's lining you up as his next one.

I don't say it's good or bad.

December 23, 2005

I agree with the first post Kat. He said he was looking for something better and wondering...and here you are. Maybe you are better for him and maybe not, time will tell. But this also could be a flaw in him--is he always looking for the next better thing? I mean say he leaves the GF and you and he become an item...will you need to be concerned that he is always on the look out for somethign that may be a little better?

December 23, 2005

I agree with the first post Kat. He said he was looking for something better and wondering...and here you are. Maybe you are better for him and maybe not, time will tell. But this also could be a flaw in him--is he always looking for the next better thing? I mean say he leaves the GF and you and he become an item...will you need to be concerned that he is always on the look out for somethign that may be a little better?

I agree. To get someone's measure, you shouldn't consider how they behave towards you (if they're lusting after you and therefore presenting their best front). You should consider how they treat others in general.

A lot of people will remain in a mediocre relationship for as long as it takes them to line up a replacement. If you think it's okay...or, at least, not particularly bad, to do that then I guess you should give the relationship a shot. If you have strong issues with him behaving like that, on the other hand, then my recommendation would be that you hold out for someone who shares similar values to you. Then again, it can be a long wait

I guess really you can only work out what your gut instincts tell you - then go with them.

December 23, 2005

thanks for the insight and encouragement! Its helping to ease my mind.

I understand what yall are saying about 'lining up the next person'....I dont know if that was his intention w/ me or not. When we were touching, he said that it was really weird b/c he had originally thought that I'd make a good friend, but it had obviously become more than that...

he seemed to be really interested, loving the conversation (he loved my daughters name, and her runner-up name, and all of the other same thoughts/interests/tastes...he seemed calmly blown away, like 'wow' this is crazy)....he was struggling w/ self control (although I said I wasnt interested in sex and just touching was really nice), seemed to be feeling the chemistry, he was the one that started the cuddling btw. So I think he intended to be friends, but after talking and spending time together it was clear that there was something there.

I think he's really confused like yall said, which leads me to the reason I responded: How do I handle this? I dont want to call/email because I dont want to push him or seem desperate/needy. I want him to figure it out without coaxing him into something; I dont want to manipulate him.

On the other hand, I worry that if I dont make some effort then he'll think I just wanted a cuddle buddy or something. I dont want him to forget about me.

I've never been in this position, and dont know what to do. I'd like to know if he really felt/thought the same as me or if he was caught up in the moment. I guess time will tell, but I hate waiting.

Do I make any moves? Respond to his "glad you like the mix" text msg? Write to let him know that I finished the CD for him (his idea was for us both to make one for each other, he did his at work...I took longer on mine). Wait to say anything until he calls/emails again?

Jeeez, its like I'm 14 and dont know anything!! I think yall know I'm not usually like this...this is weird

December 23, 2005

He's trying it on. He wants to keep his current partner and have fun with you at the same time. I've heard it all before - it's absolutely TEXTBOOK - he can't believe his luck that he's getting somewhere with you, and he'll push and push (while trying to appear to be taking it easy) to get as far as he can with you. This one's running up so many red flags with me...!

Tell him you're not going any further unless he's single. It's as simple as that. Get in any deeper and you'll end up hurt, trust me. Pull away NOW! Save yourself!! *IF* he ends his current relationship and becomes truly available THEN and ONLY THEN get to know him better.

Good luck!

December 23, 2005

i agree with you FWIW. I'm not going to be his girl on the side while he stays with her. And I'm not going to sleep with someone who has a girlfriend, I want more than that.

I'm glad he didnt kiss me...that would make it even more confusing. I thought it was funny/cute that he wasnt kissing me...with all the intensity going on, and he said he was afraid that if he did it would go too far...thats when I said that I didnt want sex, just touching was really nice. He didnt seem to be pushing anything, but I might be blind to it right now.

Its pretty ironic, b/c I've been the girlfriend in this situation with 2 boyfriends before. Both times I found out that my boyfriend had been spending lots of time getting to know another girl, trying to decide if she was 'better' for him than me. I broke up with them fast. You cant have 2 people at once. If youre not sure about the one youre with, break it off. THEN you can get to know the other person.

I guess I will give it a few weeks and see whats going on. He might not even like me as much as I like him. Maybe he really does love her and was just having a moment of curiosity. He said he was trying to figure it all out, and felt really bad for putting me in any difficult situation like this. I said that I was fine, and that he'll figure it out.

I still dont know if I should make any contact or not.....?

December 23, 2005

Theyve been together for nearly 2 yrs, and he says that for a while he's been wondering if theres someone better.

See, that is it, right there.

Do yourself a HUGE favour. DO NOT let anything happen with this guy. 2 years into a relationship and he's checking out what else could be there for him?

He isn't worth pursuing. Even if they break up, don't get involved with him!

December 23, 2005

WWIU, can you please explain more about your opinion?

mainly about your view that its wrong to wonder if things will change/get better, and if theyres someone better suited

December 23, 2005

What I mean is, he shouldn't be putting himself IN a situation with you. He is testing waters to see what else is out there WHILE he is still in a relationship with his girlfriend. If he wants to experiement and see if there is someone else out there for him he SHOULD break up with her and play the field. Be single and not committed to ONE person. 2 years is a long time and honestly his girlfriend deserves better and the respect from him. If he wants to end it then he should just do it. It's not fair to you either. He has sort of opened a door, giving you small hints that something COULD happen, but ofcourse there's a good possiblity nothing will because of his girlfriend.

There's nothing wrong about wondering...Problem is he is ACTING upon it. That is what's wrong here.

Hope this helps abit more.

December 23, 2005

I think he's testing the waters but is not willing to take the plunge (drop her and start fresh). And if he's doing this now, who's to say he won't be doing it again in his next relationship.

Put yourself in his girlfriend's shoes. No matter what the circumstances/problems of their relationship, is this the kind of guy/treatment you deserve?

I'm not saying it's good or bad, but just sharing a thought.

December 23, 2005

Kat 23 .......really, you look very attractive and obviously you are working on your education, to me that is quite an offering for some lucky guy.....don't you think you deserve more than this chooch has to offer ?

December 23, 2005

haha....chooch! Thanks for all the advice!! My mind is relaxing a lot since I've been posting, and its making me really cautious about things

Yes what he's done with me has put a wrinkle in what I think of him and what he might be like if we ever had a relationship.

I guess that since I do the same thing, and I know lots of other people that do too, I didnt think it was that bad....I feel that unless youre married, its ok to try out new people if you have doubts about the one youre with. Of course, the right thing to do is break up with that person first....but I've developed and slightly pursued crushes while with someone...spending time w/ them and flirting.

Currently, I still talk to and spend time with my ex. We arent officially together though, b/c we both have big doubts and value differences. I guess if I had to be honest, I'm leading him on...or holding him on the back burner while I look around.

I guess thats why I dont think its so bad for this new guy to be looking elsewhere too. He's at the beginning of his dilemma with her, and trying to decide if he wants to really break it off. I really think he had no idea how AMAZING I would be until we were in person!!! hahahahaha j/k

Another opinion I have is that if youre happy and a good fit for the person youre with, then you wouldnt have so much doubt and confusion. So, if I was with him and we were truly an excellent match, then neither of us would 'shop around'....sure we'd probably have doubts every now and then but not as frequently as I did with my ex and he does with his.

Anyway, I really just want him to break it off w/ her to be fair, since he's having such doubts. Then maybe we could get to know each other more and see if anything's there. I didnt want to jump into something with him, I just wanted to spend time finding out more.

Way before any discussion about him coming over, we talked about the situation with my ex. I explained that we still spend time together, and its basically a relationship of convenience/lonliness; just someone to spend time with b/c I'm used to him and we're still friends. He said that as long as both paries involved know whats going on and are okay with it then its alright. He asked me what would happen if one of us started dating someone else, what would we do, if its already defined as to what would happen, how would the dynamic change, etc. He said that some of his friends have hung onto their relationship until they've found someone to fill in that space, and that he doesnt think its right to do that.

I told him about how my relationship w/ the ex got too difficult, and that I think problems in a relationship should be about LIFE issues that you face together (bills, stresses, house, cars, money etc etc), and not about PERSONALITY issues about each other (major personality traits, characteristics, values, lying, etc). Maybe that will persuade him a bit....jeez that was manipulative, huh! haha (thats why i want to make sure I dont push or manipulate him into breaking up with her...thats just wrong)

I just want to be able to find out more b/c it was really great and his personality (so far), tastes, appearance, intelligence, thoughtfulness (so far), interests, and fashion style are right on with what I like....and its pretty rare to have all that in one person. (b/c I'm kinda weird, not many people share them)

I guess I wont make any sort of contact unless he does, and make it light, and see what he does in the next few weeks.

December 23, 2005

I guess I wont make any sort of contact unless he does, and make it light, and see what he does in the next few weeks.

You need to kick him top the curb.. even if he breaks up with his gf.. Well then you got a guy on the rebound

You also got a player.. Do you really want this ?

2 years... that means he is pretty committed to her.. you have allot of obstacles

By the way.. Welcome back

December 23, 2005

hmmm....good points, art_critic.....very good points

I'll take all of these into consideration. You know its hard to follow what people are saying when youre in something and dont really see it. (i guess i'm a player too...oops...I dont know when this happened)

keep 'em coming!!

(its nice to be back...hopefully i didnt miss too much!!)

December 23, 2005

it was really great and his personality (so far), tastes, appearance, intelligence, thoughtfulness (so far), interests, and fashion style are right on with what I like....and its pretty rare to have all that in one person.

Well Kat23 your problem is you don`t know if this man is sincere with you. And no one here can judge if he is or not. But bear in mind that all the things you have mentioned that have been put in italics above are no judge of character.

He may be sincere or he may be one hell of a player. The best way for you is to keep this thing at a friendship level for a long time. Something that does seem to be a big challange to you. The mere fact that he stayed at your place just don`t make it easier. Just too easy to get sexual:o

So, one thing there is no doubt. You are moving too fast with this gentleman.

December 24, 2005

My opinion is this ..... Dont call, delete his number and forget about him.

Would you trust him if he left her for you? He is pulling a number and he is playing his game very well. This is the kind of guy i DREAD meeting!

But whatever you decide is fine as ultimately this is your call!

Good luck!

December 24, 2005

Actually, she and I keep having our bad moments. I’m not soliciting here, just saying that life is riddled with uncertainty.

The problem is not that they are fighting or having bad moments once in a while, the problem is him not being able to commit. I heard something similar once, and after much time racking my head I realized that no matter what my mistakes were, he has a problem with committing and not being able to face and deal appropiately with negative feelings. In my opinion, he tends too much seeing flaws in his partners, but never seeing his contribution to the problem.

I also think telling you that he and his girlfriend had their bad moments was a hint that the door is open and you just have to walk through it. He's laying the bait out for you... I'd be careful if a guy who has shown interest in me starts telling me how bad the relationship with his girlfriend is going. It means, he's testing the waters, he's testing if you are empathetic about his problems or not. Also if you're showing interest to estrange him even further from his girlfriend. He's offering you the opportunity to snatch him from his girlfriend, because he's a lazy coward who doesn't want to take risks and responsibility.

December 28, 2005

Well folks....he hasnt called or anything, so I'm going to assume that means he's not breaking up/broken up with her any time soon. What a weiner!

Although, I understand that its hard to end it with someone after nearly 2 years if youre not really sure whether or not you want to! I guess he's comfortable in his mediocre relationship for now.

But ya'll didnt like him anyway.....haha

December 28, 2005

Well if he broke up with his gf what would keep him from doing the same to you? I think almost anyone in a relationship who's already hungry for more either has to

A) Dissolve the relationship because something isn't working

or

B) Stop looking for other people, because the game will never end

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