oblong Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I have been dating this woman off and on for almost four years. At the moment, we've been apart for six months. The big issue is always marriage. I'm 31 and she is 32. I do think she is a wonderful girl in almost every way, except for the superficial things. Our sex life was always very lackluster. It seems like the relationship lacks passion. Whenever I would tell her to improve the way she dresses or in some other way spice things up, she would object and take these things as personal insults, maybe she was right. Anyhow, people always say that the physical/lust stuff fades. If that's true, then she would make a perfect wife... So I feel trapped in a damned if you do, damned if you don't Catch 22. If I do marry her, I'll be trapped in an asexual platonic relationship. If I don't marry her, I will have lost my chance for love. How does a man know if they have found the person they want to marry? What if it never gets any better than this and I am squandering a great opportunity?
Cecelius Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 A man knows when he does not feel "trapped" in advance based on what you call superficial things. A mature man, like you, knows that SOME things fade in importance after a while, but they do not become actual liabilities. Second, when the girl is not working to keep herself in top attractiveness AND gets offended when you make suggestions is not a good bet long term: she will just get frumpier and frumpier. It sounds like you are pals, and not much more. it takes more than a shared history to make a marriage.
slubberdegullion Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Oblong, don't do it. Just plain don't. It's not secret that sex dramatically decreases after marriage for most couples, and if it's mediocre now, it will only get worse. And you will not lose your chance at love. That's a crock; there's no such thing as a soul-mate.
clandestinidad Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Dont do it. There is someone better for you. Just b/c youre with someone, and youre at the "marrying" age doesnt mean that you should do it. Plus, youve said that its been off and on a couple times....thats always a bad sign on the path to marriage. She may love you, but I dont get the impression that you truly love her. And thats okay, b/c for you there are some vital things missing. Theres no way to convince yourself into marrying her. I think you already know that you wouldnt be happy, and it wouldnt last. Its just not right for you, and thats okay (she might just want to get married for being married sake, since she's 32....I wouldnt drag this out much longer, so that she can move on and find someone that she fits better with to marry. Otherwise, it will be reeaally hard for her to find someone in a few years) you will find someone that you fit better with, and dont have these doubts...you will know that person is right, just like you know that this one isnt
alphamale Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 What if it never gets any better than this and I am squandering a great opportunity? the only solid reason for a man to marry is if he wants children and a family...
JayKay Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 You're not in love with her and you're not attracted to her. PLEASE don't get married!!!!!!!
jmargel Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 Whoa.. you guys make it seem like she's the devil. So there is a problem in your relationship.. Well guess what EVERY relationship has problems. They just differ some. "Whenever I would tell her to improve the way she dresses or in some other way spice things up, she would object and take these things as personal insults, maybe she was right." Wow.. I'm surprise you still have your head after telling a woman this. How did you go about saying this. You have to learn it's not what you say it's HOW you say it.. For example.. Your situation: Man: Honey, why are you wearing that? Wear this instead! It'll make you look hot. Now what the woman is thinking is 'He thinks im ugly & not good enough and sure enough one day his eyes will start roaming if not already and it will be a matter of time before he finds someone sexier' Man: We aren't having sex enough, I do need it ya know.. Woman's thinking is then basically the same. She's not living upto your standards so she feels disappointed which in turns puts her on the defensive. Which then in turn pushes her further away from having sex with you. ---- Now if you were to talk to her all the time like this, maybe you might get somewhere: (Also be sure to compliment her at least once a day) Man: 'Babe you so beautiful, maybe this outfit might show off eyes better' or something like 'I'd love to see you in that dress tonight, it really shows off your tan legs' Her thinking is now 'He still thinks I'm hot after 4 years so sure I would love to do this for him!' Same goes for sex.. Just don't beg or demand it.. Show some romance, some compassion. Put some thought & heart into her. It's not just the action of sex it's everything leading upto it. Do special things for her, make her FEEL sexy. You will get a much better reaction out of her. This is something that's not going to happen overnight though. Sounds like some damage has been done, so be patient. And remember to compliment her!!
JayKay Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 What concerns me is not that there are 'normal' problems in the relationship (i.e. conflict resolution, communication breakdowns) that seem fix-able. What concerns me is that it seems as if he's NEVER felt passionately about this woman. He says the sex life has always been lackluster and their relationship basically feels platonic. If this has been going on for 4 years, I'd seriously question whether they should marry. Not everyone marries for passion, and certainly passion fades. Some people marry basically for companionship and don't worry about passion....AT ALL. Other people really need it, at least some of the time. My BF and I are still very romantic after nearly 6 years together. We have that chemical spark and I would just feel like I'd 'settled' if I'd stayed with someone safe. OP, why do you say you will have lost your chance at love if you don't marry this woman? You are young. THere are other people out there in this world.... Is it fair to marry someone you don't really feel attracted to? Not if attraction is important to you.
jmargel Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 Every relationship falls into that pit at one time or another. When that happens it's each others job to get the passion going again. You can't expect to see your mate everyday and at everytime you see them think 'OMG you are so beautiful, sweet, loving' etc.. you know.. that puppy dog love. It slowly dissapates. That's when 'true love' takes over. LOL there are days when I see my wife and think 'Blah'.. Leave me alone I wanna watch TV. I'm sure women feel that way about their men at times too.
Topeka Posted February 13, 2006 Posted February 13, 2006 I went ahead and got back together with her. She has made some strides in terms of how she dresses and her libido is improved. Now she expects a diamond pronto. I guess I'm in the same dilemma as before. I have to either get engaged within the week or walk away and seek my fortune elsewhere. It's hard to know whether this is the love for me or maybe the grass is always greener on the other side.
BeFree Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 Why does it have to be this week. Why can't you say "lets see how things go the next six months. If they are still great, I would love for us to start thinking about getting engaged." You have too much pressure. Gosh, now I know why my BF sweats when I bring up engagement. Poor Boy!
Curmudgeon Posted February 14, 2006 Posted February 14, 2006 I have to either get engaged within the week or walk away and seek my fortune elsewhere Nobody in this day-and-age "Has" to get married. I'd walk before I'd be forced into something I couldn't decide upon in four years. Perhaps there's a tangible reason for your indecision.
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