No Stress Lady Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I have had several very loving affairs with married guys (who remain good friends) and my views are as follows: DO NOT ENTER INTO AN AFFAIR UNLESS YOU ARE TRULY STRONG ENOUGH!!! Few people are. If you know from outset that he's married then you have no right AT ALL to question his situation - or to try to change it. You know the score. You are making a DECISION when you get involved with a married man - don't be all "confused" and "hurt" when he can't meet you and fit in with your wishes and plans - hello!!!!!!!!!!! he's married - errrrrrrrr.........doh I personally feel that a lot of the emotions that arise from/cause an affair are connected to self esteem. He's "unavailable" and therefore a "challenge". Or he's just bored and wants some fun. See it for what it is - it's (for him) an ego boost, a chance to do what comes naturally to men. Men were not programmed to be monogamous. Affairs provide an outlet, they fulfill a need away from everday obligations - they are an escape. See them for what they are - and remember that, from the outset, you knew the score!!!. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated and don't be a manipulator - accept that you are not the woman he chose to marry and imagine how you would view the Other Woman if you were. Above all, keep a sense of perspective and do not let him become the focus of your life - that will almost certainly lead to a loss of your self confidence and esteem - An affair can be a source of mutual solace but proceed with caution.........it takes a strong woman to conduct an affair wisely,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
scarletletter Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 Very good advice and I agree 100%. I would like to print out your post and read it to myself every time I start to get disappointed in my situation. It is what it is and I chose to become involved....very good point!!
cherrie498 Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 Your right we all do need to take a look at what it is we are getting into or where we are at. I know that when I started seeing mm all I was able to see was the fun & excitment that he brought to my life. Now he fills it with disappointment. Wish I would have known then what I know now!!!!
EMJ Posted December 29, 2005 Posted December 29, 2005 You have the right perspective. I'm so tired of whiny women pretending that they "didn't know what they were getting into". Playing the victim is not attractive. It also wastes a lot of time & emotion. Walking into the situation with you eyes wide open is the best way to fully enjoy your affair for what it is-an escape and temporary safe haven from the routine of everyday life. Enjoy yourself, make sure he spoils you, and behave like a mature woman when it's over. Respect yourself and the person you were intimate with. Keep the drama to a minimum. And make it your intention and action not to hurt anyone, including yourself.
Author No Stress Lady Posted December 30, 2005 Author Posted December 30, 2005 Thanks ladies, I appreciate your positive responses. I particularly related to EMJ's comments: "Enjoy yourself, make sure he spoils you, and behave like a mature woman when it's over. Respect yourself and the person you were intimate with. Keep the drama to a minimum. And make it your intention and action not to hurt anyone, including yourself." and "Playing the victim is not attractive. It also wastes a lot of time & emotion. Walking into the situation with you eyes wide open is the best way to fully enjoy your affair for what it is-an escape and temporary safe haven from the routine of everyday life" I just wish that some of the posters on this thread would take note of those remarks instead of allowing - and often actively encouraging - their affairs to escalate so wildly out of control. I do sympathise with those who have been hurt but the bottom line is that they have CHOICES - it's just a shame that there are so many (mostly) women out there with such low self-esteem and such a lack of emotional self sufficiency that they mistakenly think that an affair will somehow miraculously transform their lives. If you can't stand the heat............ It's good to see a forum like this as I imagine that literally thousands of affairs are starting/ending/being conducted even as I write this and yet it is still a relatively taboo subject, provoking some hugely judgemental responses from many. Let's face it -affairs will always happen - what's important is to see them for what they are, to be self-aware and to know our emotional boundaries and to conduct them with dignity and respect for ALL concerned - as EMJ said. Happy New, good luck and best wishes to you all
Sami_D Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Well No Stress Lady, that's a great attitude if one is going out to have a Relationship with a Married Man. Many people, however, don't set out to do that. They set out to have a relationship with a Divorcing man. It's the contrast in objectives that causes the problems. Thanks for stating the obvious, however.
EMJ Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 is the knee jerk reaction people have in assuming that the Other woman/man is the cause, rather than the end result of the troubled marriage. Many people stay in unhappy situations for a long time, months or years, before they decide to fill the emotional void elsewhere. The partner who thinks they can stop showing kindness, respect, affection, and regular sex after several years of marriage is inviting or telling the other partner to go ahead and stray. They should not be shocked if it happens. There is an epidemic of spouses taking each other for granted that is driving many people into the arms of appreciation elsewhere. Some spouses should thank the other woman/man for proping up their dead marriages for a few extra years when they decided they "were'nt interested in sex" anymore. That's clearly telling your spouse "you aren't worth the effort anymore, I'm just here for the property and the kids". These spouses are lucky that the rejected spouses dont walk entirely, but they stay for the same reasons. A very costly undoing for everyone. I just had this all day back and forth today when I started a thread saying that I only wanted to see my married man when travelling. Some people can't accept the fact that almost nobody gets enough love in this life and if we meet someone who can make that happen, rare that it is, even if there are some constraints, it can be a beautiful and memorable thing. I can't feel sorry for people who say you can only love and be loved under certain conditions. It doesn't work that way. They are not accepting life as it is and are limiting their world.
newbby Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Well No Stress Lady, that's a great attitude if one is going out to have a Relationship with a Married Man. Many people, however, don't set out to do that. They set out to have a relationship with a Divorcing man. It's the contrast in objectives that causes the problems. Thanks for stating the obvious, however. good post. everybody having affairs should also realise that not every affair is the same, and not everybody gets in to it for the same reasons, and also NO not everybody realises what they are getting into.
Author No Stress Lady Posted December 31, 2005 Author Posted December 31, 2005 Sami_D: "Many people, however, don't set out to do that. They set out to have a Relationship with a Divorcing Man." Men are - as far as I can tell!!!! - either Married/DivorcED/Single/Widowed or With Girlfriend DivorcING or Separated still means Married to me!!!!! Anyway.......not knowing what you're getting into: I do understand that there are a multitude of scenarios that fall under the affair umbrella - I am also sure that there are thousands of women who know that the MM they are involved with is the love of their life. However - he's M-A-R-R-I-E-D. If the OW can't accept that fact and proceed on the assumption that the status quo will remain unchanged then she should not get involved from the outset. I get the impression from some posts that many people seem to get far too caught up in the whole clandestine/secret rendezvouz/"you can't have him whenever you want"/"adrenaline rush when you finally get together for a snatched moment of pleasure"/ scenarios. That's all well and good but it's not going to be like that when you're picking up his smelly socks and dealing with his ex-wife/children - and possibly his new mistress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Assuming that he finally does leave his wife and choose you........ This forum has sooooooo many postings from unhappy, depressed, angry, vindictive and heartbroken women. Many of whom are asking "When will he leave his wife?" and "When will he choose me?" If you choose to become involved with a married man - and it IS a choice and a decision - it does not "just happen" - and you know that he is married then you should take responsibility for what follows and be aware that your heart is potentially in for an extremely rough ride if you think that you're ultimately going to run off into the sunset together. A close friend of mine became involved with a MM (for a fairly short time) a few years ago. On one occasion I spoke to her when she was in tears and upset and disappointed that he had cancelled (due to family committments) a day out that they had planned and that she had been looking forward to. I asked if she thought that it would truly make her happy if he turned up on her doorstep the next day, bags in hand, having left his wife and children and embroiling her for months (if not years) in a messy, emotional, divorce quagmire. She thought about it (and not for that long) and finally said that in actuality that was the last thing that she would want. So she broke off the relationship and has never regretted doing so. I get the impression that many of the posters on this site are quite young and naive - as I said before, I really do sympathise with those who have been hurt but am simply voicing my perspective on things - even if I am stating the obvious!!!
newbby Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 no stress lady, i do partially agree with some things you have said. i am curious though, what do you actually get from the relationship? i mean i didnt expect my exmm to leave his wife, i had my reasons for getting involved, i had my reasons for staying involved, but i wasnt happy with there being no love in the relationship, which is one of the reasons i left (amongst many). do you believe you get genuine feelings from the a? is it purely just sex and companionship? is it being financially spoiled?
Sami_D Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 I get the impression from some posts that many people seem to get far too caught up in the whole clandestine/secret rendezvouz/"you can't have him whenever you want"/"adrenaline rush when you finally get together for a snatched moment of pleasure"/ scenarios. That's all well and good but it's not going to be like that when you're picking up his smelly socks and dealing with his ex-wife/children - and possibly his new mistress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Assuming that he finally does leave his wife and choose you........ Would it be a good idea to post in respond to particular stories? Only categorising people into well... categories... is only going to lead to people thinking you have preconceived ideas and would prefer to dismiss the entire forum in a couple of well-worded posts. Let me tell you something. The 'young ones thinking it's loves' aren't listening, and the 'older ones with a bit of history' aren't either... for quite different reasons. Anyway... welcome to the forums. What's your story..?
Author No Stress Lady Posted December 31, 2005 Author Posted December 31, 2005 Hi SamiD & Newbby I take your point re: specific posts - DepressedWaiting, Rodeogirl are a couple that made me want to air my views by starting this particular thread; both for entirely different reasons. Newbby, you asked what I gained from my relationships with MM - a mixture of different things really. Friendship, fun, affection, as well as good physical relationships!!! There was one guy who was extremely generous to me financially too but the others have been more about friendship and affection. At present I am in a great relationship (not with a MM!!) which is going really well. My MM relationships have occurred at a few points over the last 15 years or so but I have also had times when I have been involved with non married men and times when I have been single!!!!!! It probably sounds contradictory but I have always had a very firm mindset when it comes to MM - I have always enjoyed the time I have spent with them but have never allowed myself to become as fully emotionally committed as I have with other (single) boyfriends. I think that this may be why my MM relationships have flowed quite easily from friendship to affair back to friendship - they have been focused on the here and now and living in the moment rather than based on MM leaving wife - and I've always made it clear that I have my own life and wouldn't ever commit fully to a MM or expect him to leave his spouse.
Sami_D Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 No Stress Lady... You're probably totally right in your recipe for the R with the MM. You would have liked the 'Kept Woman' thread that was on this forum recently. Trouble is... that most people who are on here posting... are in very different Rs where the MM remaining MM is not a definite in one or the other's minds... If everyone were like you or the kept women... then there would be no reason for this forum at all. But somehow, for one reason or another... that isn't the case.
newbby Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 ok no stress, thanks, i just wondered if you specifically chose mm because you didnt want a committed relationship, yet still wanted company etc.
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