mattea Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 i've been through several painful relationship in the past four years, complete with cheating, lies and betrayals. now i'm dating someone new. he's sweet, not overbearing, seems to like to spend time with me but not rushing things or smoothering. we initiate time together pretty equally. so, what's to complain about, you might ask? i'm scared. i have a hard time revealing signs of feelings for him or vulnerability. i'm overly sensitive. this is not to say i don't let him know i like him or show any feelings, just that it scares the crap out of me that when he knows i have any investment he'll hurt me. so if i email tell him i had a great time with him and thanks for this and that and the other thing and that i really enjoy his company, it makes me feel really vulnerable. i do it anyway, but if he writes back and doesn't acknowledge that i said any of that or reciprocate, i get more gunshy. i guess there's no clear question here... i just wonder if i'm the only one who goes through this fear of being invested or exposed and any advice on how to calm myself down and just go with it.
JS17 Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I don't really have any advice for you but you're not alone. I feel the same way except I'm probably more messed up because I won't even entertain the thought of accepting a new guy into my life. It would be easy for me to tell you not to be afraid and take a chance but I know how you feel and its far easier said than done. I do hope you are able to figure it out and let your guard down at some point, hope this one works out for you.
FireReady Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I think it's normal as well. You might want to try girlstalkaboutitall to see that you're not alone on this one. Most women feel like that.
witabix Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Fear of rejection exists in men as well. I open myself up willingly. I fear rejection equally as much as you or anyone else does. To enter a relationship with a closed heart is a sure way to fail. Do not become a victim of your self fulfilling prophicies. Take the leap of faith, believe in yourself and your value to other people. If one rejects you that does not diminish your value to yourself or to others. You have an intrinsic value to the human race and an intrinsic value to yourself. You cannot be diminished by the actions of another. It is enough to be yourself.
slubberdegullion Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Mattea; Witabix is right, of course. But there's another aspect to this whole fear thing that you may not have considered. Fear of rejection is not necessarily bad, because it creates an atmosphere whereby you'll be less likely to "leap in with both feet" into a new relationship. This is good, of course, because instead of leading with feelings, you'll lead with feelings AND your head. So acknowledge the reality of the situation, tell your new man your concerns, and integrate the understanding that your own self-worth is not tied up with the approval of another. You're going to be fine; this is normal, rational, even healthy.
Becoming Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 So acknowledge the reality of the situation, tell your new man your concerns, and integrate the understanding that your own self-worth is not tied up with the approval of another. You're going to be fine; this is normal, rational, even healthy. There are some of us here who are of the rational school of romance, right Slubber? Your head sees that your heart is all aflutter, and your head is sending a warning signal you should probably listen to. Don't go too fast; don't get too invested in a relationship that doesn't feel right to both your head AND your heart. I agree that a relationship can't work if the heart isn't open, but at the beginning of a relationship is not the time to let the drawbridge down and let just whoever invade. It sounds to me like you've done this in the past, and barbarians raped your heart. Open up by degrees, like in Sleeping Beauty or all those fairy tales where a series of tests or barriers must be passed. You don't need to put up a thorny wall around your heart, of course! But test nonetheless to see if this is a person who can be trusted with the treasure of you before you just fling wide the gates.
LN8840K Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 All I can say is I feel your pain Mattea, looks like were in the same boat. I can tell you though, when I have an expectation of the way someone should act and they don't, it just leads to more and more trouble ....so maybe not having expectations about someone's reactions will lead to less panicky push away reactions by yourself Ok I'm rambeling on here sorry about that .... I consider my attention, and my time, a gift to someone and as with any gift, it should be the spirit of giving, to give without expectation of anything in return ..... of course I wont keep giving it without anything in return, but I am much more at peace and relaxed when I give that way. 1
witabix Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Your head sees that your heart is all aflutter, and your head is sending a warning signal you should probably listen to. Don't go too fast; don't get too invested in a relationship that doesn't feel right to both your head AND your heart. I agree that a relationship can't work if the heart isn't open, but at the beginning of a relationship is not the time to let the drawbridge down and let just whoever invade. It sounds to me like you've done this in the past, and barbarians raped your heart. Open up by degrees, like in Sleeping Beauty or all those fairy tales where a series of tests or barriers must be passed. You don't need to put up a thorny wall around your heart, of course! But test nonetheless to see if this is a person who can be trusted with the treasure of you before you just fling wide the gates. I have read Becoming's posts a lot here, and have never disagreed with what has been siad. This time I have to do so, I walk into every relationship with my heart open wide. I have nothing to hide. Not because I am perfect, but because I want the other person to know who I am. Warts and all, the whole truth. Not to say I spill all the facts up front. But if a question is asked of me I will answer it truthfully and directly. I have nothing to fear in being me. I respectfully disagree with Becoming.
Becoming Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 I have read Becoming's posts a lot here, and have never disagreed with what has been siad. This time I have to do so, I walk into every relationship with my heart open wide. I have nothing to hide. Not because I am perfect, but because I want the other person to know who I am. Warts and all, the whole truth. Not to say I spill all the facts up front. But if a question is asked of me I will answer it truthfully and directly. I have nothing to fear in being me. I respectfully disagree with Becoming. And Becoming's respectful response is that Witabix is a rare man. Too many play fast and loose with a woman's heart. And "several" bad relationships in four years with cheating and lies and betrayal was the clue that led me to wonder if you didn't get involved too quickly with some rotten eggs. But if you expect to always be taken or rejected, you may end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy. As LN88 says, fear of rejection can make us want others to meet certain expectations we have for acceptable responses, which often ends up sabotaging the very thing we want. We have to be open to the gifts others bring to us with their presence in our lives and not expect that if they don't respond the way we want that they don't want us. Maybe they're busy, tired, hungry, etc. Just be honest, as Witabix says. Tell him you've been hurt and when you're feeling vulnerable. He can't respect what he doesn't know, and once he knows, you'll know whether he can respect the tender part of you and whether he'll tend to it. Key, too, is what Slubber said, I think: integrate the understanding that your own self-worth is not tied up with the approval of another. Once you quit focusing on the other's reaction to you, you can relax and focus on your reactions to what the other does, moving toward that which feels good and away from that which doesn't. Then instead of hanging back out of fear, you're in the dance.
witabix Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 ...... But if you expect to always be taken or rejected, you may end up with a self-fulfilling prophecy......... We have to be open to the gifts others bring to us with their presence in our lives and not expect that if they don't respond the way we want that they don't want us. Maybe they're busy, tired, hungry, etc. .......... Key, too, is what Slubber said, I think: Once you quit focusing on the other's reaction to you, you can relax and focus on your reactions to what the other does, moving toward that which feels good and away from that which doesn't. Then instead of hanging back out of fear, you're in the dance. The highlighted phrase gets my vote for quote of the decade, Becoming you may never type a more poignant or truer set of words. It so hard to get that balance and attitude correct. I still strive to find that equilibrium in my relationships, and I have failed so far. However I will recall that phrase. It is now printed out and stuck on my kitchen cupboard.
Becoming Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 The highlighted phrase gets my vote for quote of the decade, Becoming you may never type a more poignant or truer set of words. It so hard to get that balance and attitude correct. I still strive to find that equilibrium in my relationships, and I have failed so far. However I will recall that phrase. It is now printed out and stuck on my kitchen cupboard. Compliments of hundreds of $$ in therapy, mon frere! I'm still learning, too. I've found this to be the hardest delicate balance to achieve in life. Without it, the dance of relationship becomes an angry tango that feels violent in its intensity. With it, it's a delicate minute one minute, passionate country dance the next, then whirling waltz morphing into samba--all quite exciting with each full of its own delight, hardly joyless or boring. Can you tell my husband and I are taking ballroom dancing classes? There's a tricky set of cues that must be learned or the dance goes awry. We're still exploring the analogy for our own marriage, and somedays are better than others. Communication of what's really going on is key. So often we're afraid to say we're afraid we'll be hurt in relationships; instead, we say something else and hope the other will read our minds to pick up on fulfilling our true wants and desires. And it just doesn't work that way.
Becoming Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 The highlighted phrase gets my vote for quote of the decade, Becoming you may never type a more poignant or truer set of words. It so hard to get that balance and attitude correct. I still strive to find that equilibrium in my relationships, and I have failed so far. However I will recall that phrase. It is now printed out and stuck on my kitchen cupboard. Compliments of hundreds of $$ in therapy, mon frere! I'm still learning, too. I've found this to be the hardest delicate balance to achieve in life. Without it, the dance of relationship becomes an angry tango that feels violent in its intensity. With it, it's a delicate minute one minute, passionate country dance the next, then whirling waltz morphing into samba--all quite exciting with each full of its own delight, hardly joyless or boring. Can you tell my husband and I are taking ballroom dancing classes? There's a tricky set of cues that must be learned or the dance goes awry. We're still exploring the analogy for our own marriage, and somedays are better than others. Communication of what's really going on is key. So often we're afraid to say we're afraid we'll be hurt in relationships; instead, we say something else and hope the other will read our minds to pick up on fulfilling our true wants and desires. And it just doesn't work that way.
Author mattea Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 wow, i really appreciate all the responses! after i posted i wasn't able to check responses for 4 days because i'm not online at home. it was nice to come back to all these thoughts. nice to know i'm not the only one with these challenges. i love the quote from becoming as well. i do think it is key. i don't want to be into the mind-reading/interpreting/reacting thing, or expecting someone to follow some hidden script and know exactly when i'm feeling vulnerable and what i'm needing. i do think it's important to be able to ask for what you need, accept that the other person can't always give it to you but that doesn't mean they don't care for you, and try to understand and know that person well enough to appreciate his/her ways of showing love that might be different from yours. i'm working on it, but still having to manage my fears! i don't feel totally closed off, just cautious. in the past i've just given people my heart and my trust from the start. after the things i've been through as of late i can't do that. for me now trust is something that will need to be built slowly over time as i cautiously test the waters. i don't mind earning his trust slowly either.
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