curiousnycgirl Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 My boyfriend and I have been seeing eachother for about 18 months. On so many levels it has been fabulous. I can honestly say we have not had one major fight in all that time (and we are both super type A personalities). We have lots of fun together, share a lot of common interests or even just sitting around doing nothing. He has been enormously supportive with my very difficult family, etc. So why do I need to end it? I am embarrassed to say this - but he seems to have no interest in sex. At the start of the relationship - we couldn't keep our hands off eachother, then his interest seemed to peter out. I've tried to discuss this with him. I've asked if he's lost interest in me, if he no longer finds me attractive, and a host of other possible reasons. I've explained to him how important sex is to me, not just from the physical perspective, but emotionally too. At this point I just feel rejected. To be fair - he's been unemployed since early february - and being a type A personality, that is a huge blow to his ego and feelings of self worth, but come on! I can honestly say on December 22nd, that I am pretty confident that I will only have had sex once in 2005 (thinking an act of congress won't even get me some next week). In all other aspects it's fabulous, but this is really too important to me. I guess the reason I am posting is so that perhaps someone can give me the magical words of wisdom that will help me fix this situation.
Art_Critic Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 are you sure he is your boy friend and not just your friend ? Your making excuses for him treating you and your relationship poorly.. You need to have one of those I need to talk about where this relationship is going talks with him.. Guys hate these talks but this is once instance where the talk is necessary
mattea Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I've tried to discuss this with him. I've asked if he's lost interest in me, if he no longer finds me attractive, and a host of other possible reasons. I've explained to him how important sex is to me, not just from the physical perspective, but emotionally too. At this point I just feel rejected. So what is his response when you try to discuss it with him? What are his reasons? Does he think this is a problem? Does he acknowledge your intimacy needs? I think whether you should leave the relationships depends on whether he sees this as a problem and wants to work on it. I mean, if he just wants to continue in a sexless relationship indefinitely, then you have to decide if you can live with that. It sounds like you need things to change, though.
Brittanyjean06 Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Sex must be very important to you....but i hope your not wanting to end it just because the sex is gone- i hope you also see that when the sex is gone , it can meen alot of different things. All relationships die out in the sex department sometimes, you can easily gain this back- its normal- what happens if you get married to the love of your life? do you think the sex will be great the next 50 years of your life- i dont think so.......before ending this relationship of yours....try to fix it and if the changes are the same than maybe its the best thing for you to do
Art_Critic Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Sex must be very important to you....but i hope your not wanting to end it just because the sex is gone- i hope you also see that when the sex is gone , it can meen alot of different things. Don't underestimate the need for physical intimacy Brittany. It's not that sex is important to her.. it is that sex is important to the relationship
mattea Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 i agree with art critic. this is not to say that i think that people can't work through having different drives and one person wanting sex more often than the other (common). but i think it's a different thing all together when you've only had sex once in a year. this is coming from a person who was the one who lost interest in sex in a long-term relationship way back when. i can see that a lot of the issues were mine now. my boyfriend stayed with me for years of a nearly sexless relationship. at the time i thought sex shouldn't be the important thing - i didn't feel emotionally close to him the way i wanted to and didn't have a desire to be sexual. i thought if sex was so important to him maybe that was all that really mattered to him about the relationship. duh!?! he stayed with me all that time in spite of the lack of sex. now i'm aware that i was selfish and it must have been hard for him. it can really make you feel rejected when your partner doesn't want to be sexually intimate with you.
Walk Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Do you attempt to initiate sex? Or have you before on a semi-consistant basis? (I could see if you've stopped trying to initiate if you've been rejected a lot) Do you know what things usually, or used to, turn him on? Is it that those don't work any more? I know when my bf doesn't have a job, the sex life goes in the tubes. The only thing I've been able to do to help with that is to actively get involved in helping him get a new job. Usually just searching for job postings and letting him review them, but also helping with resumes, and mailing stuff out. Maybe try and get more involved in that aspect of his life. It's a fine line though. If you act too pushy he'll feel threatened. Tried slipping him some viagra? j/k. Sexy clothes? New toy? Erotic literature? What has he said for why he's not been sexually interested? Has he seen a doctor? Does he have any health problems?
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 Thanks for your replies - let's see if I can answer some of the questions. Firstly I gave up "the discussion" quite a while ago - so to be fair, I'll need to have it again this week to see how he responds. However previous answers were - of course I find you attractive, it's just that I'm unemployed, I've had too much to drink (this one is fair), etc. At one point it was because I was so concerned that he hadn't been "completing" when we did have sex - he said he felt too much pressure - so of course I stopped commenting on that - but in reality I just wanted to make sure I was making him as happy as he was making me. Art Critic thanks for clarifying for me. I must admit sex IS very important to me - but if that were it, I would have ended this relationship a year ago! We've gone from barely letting the door close before ripping at each other's clothing - sex twice a night when we're together - to now sex once a year! This time last year it had already begun getting more infrequent. In fact this is the issue that brought me to love shack in the first place. I can honestly say that not just in 2005, but in the past 12 months we have only had sex once. My heart is breaking over this.
SuperMonk Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 It's pretty simple. Your logic says "I want to dump him because lack of sex/intimacy" But your emotion says "I should stay in the relationship, etc" Usually your emotion will outweigh your logic - but it's been.. what? A year??? The guy could be gay, could be severely depressed. Whatever. The thing is you have a life, and if you want to spend the next year or two years down the road with this guy not giving what you want in life. You must listen to logic. You must.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 Walk - Thanks for your response. I am integrally involved in his job search. I am both his ghost writer and his proofreader. I am his number one cheerleader and yes I send him job postings. He is currently working with 2 marketing companies - to run his job search - and part of their programs require he identify a search partner - and that would be me. To the point that when they don't meet a deliverable they owe him, the first thing he says is "Curious is going to be angry" Well SuperMonk you hit it right on the head - I know what I should do, but I don't want to do it! I can't help but think back to those first few months when the sex was AMAZING. I know he's got it in him! Additionally I am 40 years old and HATE dating. My history is to go 10 years between meaningful relationships. Yup he's only my third truly serious b/f - meaning someone I could see spending the rest of my life with. The first I was engaged to - he died. The second wasn't that into me. So it's not like I get to this point easily - and it's not as if I've found dozens of guys who I can see myself with. Ok now I'm just whining. I'm still looking for that magic answer that will help me fix the problem rather than walk away from it!
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Does he need help? I mean if he is depressed (and not talking about it, let alone telling you) would he be willing to go talk to a therapist? Wait until after Xmas to have that talk. Lay it all out on the line - He has to get his s*** together, either get help, figure out WHY he isn't into having sex with you or the relationship is going to go down hill. Can I ask, what is the intimacy like between you two? Any cuddling, fooling around or kissing? Does he talk to you or is he grumpy and withdrawn alot of the times? What does your gut tell you? What's it screaming out? Usually the gut doesn't lie, so if your mind is saying one thing, the emotions are saying another, take the time to really think out (or write down your thoughts to help you organize what you're going to say to him when you have "the talk.") what you want the outcome to be. Good luck and keep posting!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 He is definitely depressed, won't really talk about it - other than to say he won't be happy until he is employed - and no he won't talk to a therapist. I am the only one who gets anything out of him about his unhappiness we do discuss it when the context is appropriate (like what are we doing for the holidays - he didn't want to do his normal thing, because it costs money, etc) Otherwise he talks to me about everything! Yes he gets grumpy - but no more than we all do. Other than sex - I'm telling you the rest is awesome! Yes he kisses me, tries to get away with quick pecks, but I come back for more - and he very happily gives the toe curling deep kind. Yes we cuddle, hug, hold hands etc. almost all initiated by him. No fondling though - that would be too far down the path I wanna follow! The fact that every other aspect of the relationship is so nice - meaning we connect on so many levels - intellectually, humour, independence (men generally can't stand that about me), etc. - is what makes it such a difficult position for me to be in. I agree - I would never have this discussion before Christmas - I want to make his holiday (btw not mine, religion is one area we do not share) the best it possibly can be given his current circumstances. Thanks All I really appreciate the sensitivity to this and just the fact that you are trying to help! My therapist - who thinks sex is EVERYTHING in life - just tells me to dump him.
Outcast Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Why won't he talk to a therapist? It sounds to me as though he's overly concerned about being 'masculine'. Your problems with his lack of completion, his job loss, and his refusal to get therapy are all 'I'm not man enough' issues. Unfortunately, he may be one of those poor fellows who is deeply wedded to ideas of what a man 'should' be and because he's not living up to his imagined construct, feels inadequate. So you have to either wait for him to get a job or somehow break through the 'macho' wall. The latter may be far more difficult than the former, unfortunately.
melbourneboy Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Lack of Sex is hardly a reason for Dumping him!! maybe he just doesnt want sex i know myself is probly half as horny as any other person i know and doesnt need sex everyday to have a good relationship. I duno just seems a bit weird to want to break up with him because of this.
FireReady Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I don't know - I had a friend that was saying the same things as Curious about her bf - he was doting, loving, supportive, good character, great friend, etc. But the intimacy stopped, in terms of sex. And she was climbing the walls, feeling that it was all things she was or wasn't doing correctly. Anyway, she figured, if everything else about him is so good, why not just stay? But she ended up resenting him (i don't know if you're there yet) but it drove something between them and eventually, she ended it. They had gone 8 months without sex, and about 6 months of heavy resentment and doubts. But after they broke up, she remained good friends with him and other men showed interest in her, so it's not necessarily the "wrong" choice to split up. If you can't live with him without sex, don't stay in it for all the other reasons. As scary as it may be to be alone, it's much scarier to lead a life where you're not square with yourself. Good luck
witabix Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 ........... it's much scarier to lead a life where you're not square with yourself. Good luck That is very true. You have to be true to yourself. It is your life. Sometimes it is necessary to be self-ish, not selfish, but self-ish. To really understand what you want from life, for you. We all talk about compromise, but we have to decide what areas we are prepared to compromise on and how much we are prepared to compromise. He may be going through something that is dulling his interest. He must talk to you and your concerns about what it is, so that you fully understand what is happening. Otherwise you will be forever wondering what is going on, and you will start to imagine things that are not there. The decline of a once healthy sex life can be temporary. In my experience once it is gone it is the beginnning of the end. The end can take many years to come. The resentment builds and finally bursts. Turning things sour and damaging the relationship beyond repair. My ex wife and I went through this scenario for many years. When we did eventually end it she said that she realised that the lack of sex was driving us apart. I had talked and talked and talked to her about it. She knew what she was doing and she was it doing on purpose to hurt me. She phoned me about three months later and asked if I fancied a shag. I said no thanks. All too late by then. Don't waste your life waiting for something that might not be there. You say that sex is important to you, therefore it must be an integral part of your personal/private life. Why sacrifice something you need? What are you sacrificing it for? What are you getting in return? Seems as though you are getting frustration as a pay back for this, is this a fair trade for you? It is of course your choice, you have to weigh the pay back against the costs. If he will not explain what is happening to him it may be because he really doesn't know, then again he may know all to well but cannot say it. It is my firm belief that excuses such as no job etc are not the real reason for lack of libido on a constant basis. Health issues are a different matter. You have to be true to yourself, it is your life, there are no clear cut answers, except to say that you must be fulfilled.
Becoming Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Does he get that this is really important to you--important enough to end the relationship? Has that been made clear? If it has, and this is still what you get, the lack of consideration of your needs is a red flag to me. Another thing I see is that you don't seem to initiate. Is there a reason--i.e. when you have he limits it to quick pecks and won't allow it to go further? You're going to have to make it clear to him that if this problem doesn't get solved to your mutual satisfaction by {thus and such reasonable time limit} that you're going to have to leave. Sometimes the only way men seem to get that we're serious is by walking out the door. Otherwise, all they seem to hear is yammeryammeryammer. If he really wants this relationship to work, he'll work on this problem. It may take you walking out for him to know that. And it may take you walking out for you to know that you can't betray your true needs in a relationship and have a relationship that won't eventually die from your resentment. Best wishes on that talk! Calmly and non-emotionally in problem-solving mode.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 Once again - thank you everyone. I have tried to initiate, but being rejected is worse than not being wanted, so I stopped. After Christmas he is going out of town on a business trip (side thing while he's unemployed). Upon his return, after the New Year, I will have the conversaton with him. To be honest I know I will get sex after the discussion, the question is will it be ongoing, which I doubt. But one can always hope! Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Happy Kwanza Everyone!
SamandBran Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Hey, Curious. I understand exactly what you are saying! Right after getting married to my DH, it's like neither one of us had much of a sex drive. About a month of trying to figure out what was going and getting frustrated b/c we weren't acting much like newlyweds, we finally decided that it was b/c we were stressing over it too much. Also, we were very busy trying to intertwine our new lives together. He was moving in with me, with both work full time, have a 1 year old and were travelling on weekends to see family. So, our hectic life made us very tired at the end of the day with not much energy to do anything but want to sleep...lol. My DH, also, admitted that his lack of being able to perform made him even more nervous and even more bound to not "get up" and b/c of this, I didn't feel in the mood b/c I felt like he didn't want me. We were counteracting off of the other and didn't realize it until we talked about it. We watched a few pornos together (to get the lust back) and explored a few more avenues, like setting the scene with soft music and candles (for romance). Now our sex life is amazing! We have sex at least once a day with multiple amounts of pleasure and this whole scenario has only brought us closer. If you and your bf really love each other, then you too willl get through this. But, it takes two to make a relationship work. He has to put forth the effort to work on his problem and you have to be there to support him until he gets through this. Good luck to the both of you. Happy Holidays, everyone!!!!
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