Nocturnal-Bloom Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Hello everyone, I hardly know where to start. I have been having an A with a MM I met online for 4 1/2 months. He lives in Chicago and I live in South Florida. As things progressed we made trips to see one another, the last one had him visiting me here less than 2 weeks ago. Everything went perfectly. Really every time we are together it gets better and better and I went from a desperate housewife in search of some attention to a woman who had fallen head over heels in love and was making plans to leave her husband. My marriage has been in trouble for a very long time. We have tried counselling, he lies to the therapist, so it's a waste of money and time. We have been to a Marriage Encounter and it helped a little, but he refused to follow up with it. We even went to a Retrovaille weekend, which is for couples on the brink of divorce. Frankly, for the $600 we spent to go I could have had a new stove! Lord knows I would have gotten more use out of it. I have been steeling myself for the idea of getting divorced. It's not what anyone goes into a marriage wanting, but I just can't trust him anymore. The latest blow came when I discovered he was keeping money from me. Now I don't mind a little pin money, but this was over $1500. So I have been making plans to move to Illinois. During the recent hurricane I took my kids and evacuated there and we all liked it. It was so wonderful to see MM and my kids just loved him. H came out and joined us and we looked at the job market in his industry. We could sell our house here, buy something there with no mortgage and be able to start a business. But reallly, at the end of the day, I would only be going out there to be near MM. 75 degree winters are hard to leave! Here's where I am totally going crazy. I have not heard from MM since Monday. This is extreamly unusual for us. We speak every weekday for an average of three hours each day. Monday's talk didn't have any big fight or really anything unusual about it. He said he wanted to be with me and that he loved me and he would talk to me later. Then nothing... I am going out of my mind! I can't even tell you how much pain I am in. And right before Christmas! I am like a zombie going through the motions for the sake of my kids. My husband thinks I am just upset by the anniversary of the death of a loved one. I feel so alone and foolish. Sometimes I worry that something has happened to him and sometimes I'm just angry that he could do something so hurtfull to me. I read stories from other OW here and I see myself in them. This downfall seems so predictible. I wanted to think that I was the exception, that we were different. I am in despair now, wondering what was real and what was fantasy. It's the not knowing that is so maddening! I feel as if I am just waiting for the phone call or e-mail that tells me it's over. But what if I don't even get that!? I was so in love with this man. I thought he felt the same way about me. Things were so complicated. He has two small children just like I do. I wouldn't leave them for anyone, so I couldn't expect him to either. That was the only reason for me wanting to move, so he could be close to his kids. One of my kids has special needs and I never thought I'd find someone who would want to take that on. He said he would, but maybe it was too much, I don't know. I am disabled too, so I'm on a very limited income. I don't think I could support myself if I left my husband now. But in three years I'll come into some money from a trust fund, so I'll have more options then. I guess I just needed to vent. I wish he would call or write or something. Thanks for listening.
Author Nocturnal-Bloom Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 I have called. I left him a message on Monday and one today. Nothing. No e-mail either. It's so weird. I'd like to know if I can stop being worried for him and start being heartbroken already. This limbo state is killing me!
travellingman Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I have called. I left him a message on Monday and one today. Nothing. No e-mail either. It's so weird. I'd like to know if I can stop being worried for him and start being heartbroken already. This limbo state is killing me! Something's obviously up, consider yourself out of limbo. You will get a lame excuse next time you communicate, whenever that might happen. These relationships are hard enough as it is, but he should stop being such a p*ssy and talk to you about it directly.
JayKay Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Ouch. I don't know what to say except hopefully he has a GOOD excuse for not contacting you. Unfortunately, it sounds like he may have had an emotional freak-out and is now in limbo with regards to your relationship. I think almost every woman has had this happen to her at least once in her life; if you haven't, you're lucky. In my case, it wasn't a MM/OW situation, but it was a situation that went from "I love you, you're fantastic!" to "I don't know what I want" a few months later. The emotional pain is excrutiating. And to tell you the truth, I felt physical pain as well. My stomach hurt, my throat felt tight for weeks afterwards. I couldn't eat. It was brutal. It sounds like you are in deep with this guy and have really put yourself out there, emotionally. To make it even harder, you have children involved. As hard as it is, I'd wait a little longer to see if he contacts you. If you don't hear from him in another week, write him a brief, to-the-point letter or email explaining how difficult the time has been for you. Explain that at this point in your life, you cannot emotionally afford to play games or deal with others' confusion. Tell him to get a grip and committ to something real or you need to move on. If things are really over, you will soon move past sadness into anger. Anger is a very helpful emotion -- it helps you get moving again. Maybe you can finally leave your husband and start your new life on your own There are other people in this world to meet. You can do it. 1
Author Nocturnal-Bloom Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 Well on Friday I got an e-mail from MM. Very short, no "Dear" or "Love", just that he was "OK, but not that well" and that he now has to share his cell phone with his wife. Such rubbish! He thinks I have forgotten that he bought a second cell phone when he thought his parents (who pay his cell phone bill-I know, how pathetic!) were on to us. Frankly I can't see how they wouldn't be, I used over 4000 minutes to him last month! So you can see the level of interaction we had. It's gone from all to nothing. His e-mail just said that he would try to contact me and he wished that he had more time to write, but he was being watched. My reply was terse. I reminded him about the extra phone and basically said had he really wanted to reach me, he could have. And I told him what a cad he was to pull this ***t at Christmas. It's been awful! I told him I wanted to hear from him that night, but he never called. I feel like a fool. Two weeks ago, he was here visiting and it couldn't have been better. Everything was perfect. I was ready to leave my marriage for this man. Now I don't see how we could have any future at all. For him to just disappear like this is unforgiveable. I don't see how I could ever trust him. It's so sad. I really loved him. There is a small part of me that is holding out hope that all will be ok. I want to shoot that part! Beacause I know myself, if he comes back I'll just melt. My best bet, I think, is staying angry at being treated like this. If he needed time to work things out, fine, just tell me what's going on, don't disappear!
travellingman Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 My best bet, I think, is staying angry at being treated like this. Yes it is. You're handling this well, and deserve a lot of credit for that.
BUTAFLY Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 Yes it is. You're handling this well, and deserve a lot of credit for that. It is not in your best interest to hang on to hating him. By hating him do you think that will hold him at bay and then you won't get hurt....NOT TRUE and you don't even believe that because you said 'if he came back you will melt'. Yiour fooling yourself. Look...by holding on to any feelings your really holding on to hope and reality is their is none. Let go of all feelings and by doing that your letting go of the emotional tie you let go of him. And don't you dare move your family to the mid west and plan on leaving them a few years. thats just crazy. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have been there too. Your just in the earlier stages of where i was. I'm just know realizing the whole thing was a mistake and the MM knew exactly what he was doing and knew exactly what to say to keep you interested. he played his game and know the game is over. the sooner you accept that the sooner you can get on with your life, but its going to be hard . I wish you luck butafly.
Author Nocturnal-Bloom Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 Tonight I came home from a friend's house to find that my husband had listened to our answering machine messages. MM had left a message saying he loved me. My husband wants to move out in the morning. He said he was done. So I am left with nothing. I feel so stupid and so alone. I have no idea what to do next.
travellingman Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 why did he call your home phone in the 1st place?
scarletletter Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 I know it feels like you were hit while you were down, but really...if your marriage was in such good shape, you would not have had the affair. Its probably better that husb. found out and gets on with his life. At least that is one worry that you won't have anymore. Timing sucks here at christmas but is there ever a good time? The MM was crazy for leaving a message on your answering machine anyway. He must have wanted you to get caught for some reason. I feel for you but in a way I am jealous. I wish I could get my husband to move out so easily!! He will fight me to the bitter end!
RecordProducer Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 Nocturnal-Bloom, it's not the fact that he didn't call you that sucks in this story; people who love us do unforgivable things sometimes and we forgive them anyway, because we love them. It's the fact that he is married. You can divorce - it depends on you, but you don't know if he will divorce. If you move to Chicago, he will only have everything he has and there will be no need for him to leave his wife. You also have children to think about. But most of all, if you chase him, he will lose interest for you. It should be the other way round. ideally, he would be begging you on his knees to leave your husband and live with him in Florida. Four months of long-distance is not something that you can't get over. Stop communicating with this man and either turn to your marriage or get divorced and find a single man. Besides, if you dump him, he will probably chase after you. If you keep ignoring him, he won't stop looking for you if he really loves you. However what I find mutual for all "other women" is that they are afraid to ditch their MM, because they think (or know) that the MM will accept the break-up easily. So the question is: why do you need someone who can live without you in his life? Even if you understand that he can't leave his family, but believe that he loves you, what do you expect from that relationship? I strongly believe that we can persuade ourselves to fall in love. You were disappointed in your marriage and ready to love and be loved again ... he was there seducing you online and was suitable to fill in the empty space of your life. Whatever you decide to do, don't do anything foolish and don't be so naive. Don't let this cake eater play with you. Keep in mind that love is blind! 1
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