Torn Up Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Hello, all... Before launching in to what I have to say here, I would like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas, and a better New Year for us all. As most of you here know, I had the misfortune of being involved with a MM that has had a profound impact on my life. And not only mine, but others as well. It was a mistake that I will never again repeat. However, if my mistake and consequence pain can serve to prevent others from travelling down this path, then it will not be in vain. I have broken it off with my MM, and this time for good. It is sad, however, that many people had to suffer deep pain that will no doubt linger for quite some time, if not permanently. As stands, our selfish affair has left 4 lives in ruin. His daughter, whom, to this day, will not speak to her dad...whom holds deep anger bordering on hate for him, and has chosen a college as far away from her parents as she could find...Africa. His wife, whom I truly pity, lives in a perpetual state of suspicion, distrust, and anxiety. She has done everything humanly possible to "win back" this man, and is now struggling to "keep" him. She has lost weight, dyed her hair the color of mine, monitors his every move, and has pleaded with him to "love her back." She has swallowed her pride, if, in fact, she has any left, and is looked upon by others as "weak, desperate, and pathetic" for taking him back after what he has done to her. Mind you, I am affair number 4, and I am certain I will not be the last. Yet, she continues to stay with him. He, on the other hand, has dived in to a pool of self-pity. He has gone in to a severe depression and has withdrawn in to himself. His unkept appearance has not gone unnoticed by those at work. His face appears much older than our pre-affair days, and he says very little to those he encounters. Very uncharacteristic for him as he's always been a friendly, chatty type of guy. He hardly smiles, and his eyes hold what appears to be saddness/anger. He states that he "hates his life" and desires to "die." At this point, he and I do not speak...don't even look at each other as we pass by at work. It is a very awkward situation for us both. Me? Guess the best description of where I am today would be guilt, pain, and intense anger. Yes, there is the hurt/anger of being lied to, but the heart of it is with myself. You see, there comes a time that you've got to stop using excuses to justify your part in an affair that effects the lives of those involved. It is a selfish act no matter how you try to dress it. Most of us here would agree that we would not want it done to us. So why, then, do we feel justified in doing it to another? A question that most of us struggle with and no doubt would rather not entertain. Because to do so would force us to do the right thing....to walk away. I now live with the deep guilt of what I have done. There is a deeply troubled teenage girl out there who will be running away to Africa this Spring, who holds deep pain, anger and hate in her heart, who has sustained damage that will most likely effect many areas in her life, perhaps permanently. There is a woman out there who struggles with her husband's betrayal and deceit, and will never again enjoy the peace and security she once had with him. I highly doubt that he and she will ever regain the trust and love they once had for each other. It's not impossible, but knowing these two the way that I do, it seems improbable. There were some serious issues in this marriage well before I entered the picture, granted, but knowing that I contributed to the demise of this marriage is something that I will now have to deal with, and I'm struggling hard with it. The damage affairs cause is tragic, people. It tends to have a rippling effect, touching the lives of many. And once done, it becomes very difficult, if not impossible, to undo. For those of you still involved with a MM/MW, or are contemplating an affair, ask yourself this. Do you want to endure the guilt/pain/anger that I and many here are now carrying? Would you want this done to you if you were the spouse? And even if you do "win" this man/woman for yourself, what exactly have you won? A man/woman who has already proven themselves to be a cheater? One who chooses to handle problems, boredism, or depression in a relationship by turning to another? One who you will never trust because you know the deceit they are capable of? You, of all people, know this...you watched them do it to their spouse to be with you. Do you think it would be any different with you? C'mon now, you KNOW better, don't you? If you choose to live with the burden of guilt and anger...not to mention deep pain and regret, and at times, self-loathe, then by all means...jump in to an affair. And if you want to destroy the lives of others, carry on then! And if you want to live a life with a partner who you can never trust...then by all means, marry him/her. Either way, you lose. ~Torn Up~
BUTAFLY Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 I feel this man knew exactly what he was doing....Did you hold a gun to his head and said stay with me for 4yrs. I think not...plus your not the first nor the last...He did this to his family not you...he is a grown man and if I wasn't you it would have been some other women. He has a problem..He should feel guilty...he is the one who took vows to love and honour his wife NOT YOU. IF he can't keep his penis in his pants thats nothing for you to feel guilty for. Obviously he knows he can get away with this behavior because his wife stands for it..If all she can do is dye her hair hoping he will be attracted to her she has another thing coming. His infidelity has nothing to do with her all she is showing him is that he can get away with an affair and she has such low self esteem to think he is the best she can do and doent deseve better. She needs to wake up and leave his ass.
Rodeogirl Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 wow this sounds very depressing. He sounds like he is suicidal like nothing is making him smile or laugh or feel like his life is owrth living anymore. I would not want to be involved with anyone like that cause it could rub off on you easily. The reason I liked my MM was because he kept me laughing and smiling even when i was mad at him and we would speak he won me over with his wittiness and charasmatic personality and then i would easily forget what i was mad about but once all that fades and hey bring nothing but drama it is time to go.
kausal Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 TornUp, I guess what Rodeogirl wrote is the crux of all you are saying - I would not want to be involved with anyone like that cause it could rub off on you easily. The reason I liked my MM was because he kept me laughing and smiling even when i was mad at him and we would speak he won me over with his wittiness and charasmatic personality - in that it is the affair that changed your MM from being just like that of Rodeogirl's to being someone whose life is so ruined he doesn't think it's worth staying alive to keep living it. Obviously during the affair with your MM, he was not the depressed person he is now the affair is over and everyone's lives have been affected so much. Thank you for your post. It's hard for me to read I admit because I still think somewhere in my stupid head that my situation is different and would never end up hurting so many people. But again you probably thought that at some point too and look at where you are now and how low you feel. My heart goes out to you. I think you are a very strong and brave person to have ended the affair. I hope you don't carry these awful feelings with you for much longer because you deserve better. Take care.
Ladyjane14 Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 I think you've learned something of value...something you can pass on to others. It's a hard lesson. Unfortunately, it's a painful one too. But in the end, it makes you a better person. When we hurt others, we hurt ourselves too. And there's no amount of 'sharing the blame' that will absolve us in our part of that. Sometimes there are things in life that we want sooooo much, we're willing to compromise on our personal integrity in order to get them. The temptation to twist a problem around until you can find an angle that validates your position.....is just an astonishingly strong temptation. I think most folks can readily identify with that. And most will give over to it now and then too, over the course of their entire lives. If you're an otherwise good person, with NO wish to hurt others....it's hard to live with yourself after you've made a decision that results in regret. This is where self-forgiveness comes in. It's sometimes necessary to apply the same forgiveness that we would freely give to others....to ourselves. There's a song I'd like you to hear, but the lyrics aren't posted on the internet yet. It's about redemtion and forgiving ourselves. I can't post the entire thing for you, but in part: You're not alone. We're all inclined To slip and fall, and cross the line. We live and learn with each mistake To get back up, (and) thank God for grace. That's from Ricky Skaggs Brand New Strings. The song is called Enjoy the Ride. Needless to say, it's uplifting. But for you, I think the value might be in recognizing the commonality of human error. This is something we can all identify with, no matter the specifics of our sin. We are, all of us....flawed, and always learning from our mistakes. The important thing is that we grow from our experiences. We can choose to carry something positive forward with us, or.....we can choose to dwell on the negative.
Author Torn Up Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 I feel this man knew exactly what he was doing....Did you hold a gun to his head and said stay with me for 4yrs. I think not...plus your not the first nor the last...He did this to his family not you...he is a grown man and if I wasn't you it would have been some other women. He has a problem..He should feel guilty...he is the one who took vows to love and honour his wife NOT YOU. IF he can't keep his penis in his pants thats nothing for you to feel guilty for. Hello, Fly... Although I agree with your statement that if it hadn't been me, it would have been another - this much is evident in the fact that he's had 3 affairs prior to ours - this still doesn't justify *MY* part in it. Yes, he's a full grown man who makes his own choices...BUT....likewise, I'm a full grown woman who makes her choices as well. Why the guilt? Let me get out my rather long list... Because I knew better before I ever tossed my hat in this ring. Because I helped enable him to hurt others. Because I would NOT want this done to me. Because the damage done to others is not going to be easily remedied, if ever. Because I turned my back on my convictions/spiriual beliefs, (ALWAYS a mistake!), and am paying the price of that decision now. Guess I'd feel better about it if it were only he and I who were hurting from this, but there are innocents who are paying for something they never had a say in, and to my way of thinking, that's where the gross injustice takes place, and why I feel so damn guilty. You know, this is my first and most definitely LAST time I will EVER partake in an affair because, quite frankly, I'm not cut out for it...the guilt I am now feeling is just about more than I can stand. How in God's name he can do this and live with himself is beyond my comprehension. He's had 3 affairs prior to me, and I've absolutely NO doubt he'll have others. Obviously, he doesn't feel the guilt to the degree I do or he would have never had another affair after the first. I just don't get it. Thank you for your words of support. Much appreciated. ~Torn~
Author Torn Up Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 - in that it is the affair that changed your MM from being just like that of Rodeogirl's to being someone whose life is so ruined he doesn't think it's worth staying alive to keep living it. Obviously during the affair with your MM, he was not the depressed person he is now the affair is over and everyone's lives have been affected so much. Kausal, I heard from others at work that he looks "terrible" since our split. I hadn't seen it for myself as I have done everything possible to avoid him him at. Until last Tuesday, that is, when I came face to face with him as I was walking down the hall...a most awkward moment. I have to say that I was taken aback by his appearance. His hair looked uncombed, his face somewhat drawn and gaunt, but it was his eyes that sent a chill up my spine. Our eyes met for just a few seconds before I quickly looked away, but long enough for me to see the sadness, yet anger in them. I have not attempted to contact him in any way, nor has he me...although he did build me a large firewood rack for Christmas and left it by my car while at work. I hope that will be the last contact he attempts to make. I learned of his other affairs from his wife. She told me that through the course of their 18 years of marriage, she always knew when he was having an affair by the change in his behavior. She said that when the affairs begin, he is happy, to the point of giddy. And she always knew when the affair was over because he got...as she put it..."gloomy." She said that this is by far the worse she has ever seen him. She said on a scale of 1 to 10 in regards to his "sadness" when the affair was over, the other 3 were about a "4 or 5." She said this time around, the end of his affair with me, has been a "10." She said she has never seen him this bad and she worries about him taking his life. She also said he has never left her for any of the women he's had an affair with, except for me. He did leave her but I sent him back. And shortly thereafter, I broke it off with him. Told him to stay with his wife, to repair the damage that's been done, especially so with his daughter, and to stop having affairs because he's got a wife that loves him very much. And now...it seems NOBODY is happy. Like I said - NEVER AGAIN. ~Torn~
Author Torn Up Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 This is where self-forgiveness comes in. It's sometimes necessary to apply the same forgiveness that we would freely give to others....to ourselves. The important thing is that we grow from our experiences. We can choose to carry something positive forward with us, or.....we can choose to dwell on the negative. Hello, Lady... I want to thank you for this post. What you have said here holds much truth. And although I know this, found myself nodding in agreement with much of what you said, it's the APPLYING it that I'm having a great deal of difficulty with. I don't know...maybe this is going to be a "give yourself time" thing. I will tell you, however, that I don't want to ever forget the pain this has caused others and myself, especially the others, to assure that I will never again repeat this mistake. I know it's impossible for me to "fix" this, to somehow eradicate the pain and damage caused to others, so I suppose the best I can do with it is to...(A)..NEVER repeat this mistake, and (B).. share with others who are, or are contemplating an affair with a married partner in attempt to prevent this type of damage/pain for others. At this point, this is all I can offer from my mistake. Forgive myself? Not yet. But I hope to someday. Thank you so much for your post, Lady. You've no idea how much I appreciate it. ~Torn~
Ladyjane14 Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 .....it's the APPLYING it that I'm having a great deal of difficulty with. Hmmm....applying it. I'm not sure what to tell you about that. To the BS, who is trying to forgive their wandering spouse, my advice is to look at the transgression as 'a debt which cannot be repaid'. And then to "write it off". For a BS, there is NO coin that can be used to repay that debt. But for the wayward partner, or...in your case, the third party.....there is. And you nailed it right here: ...(A)..NEVER repeat this mistake, and (B).. share with others who are, or are contemplating an affair with a married partner in attempt to prevent this type of damage/pain for others. That's all you can do, kiddo. And trust me...it'll be enough (if you decide to stick with it). I was young once....and I've made my share of mistakes too. You needn't wear the hair-shirt all your life if you're willing to learn from past experience. That song I recommended to you says it all. You'll most likely cry the first time you hear it....but you'll end up feeling better too. Redemption is possible for every person. Most folks probably think of it as strictly a religious thing. I personally choose to believe in it as such, but I also think there is value in the idea of "redemption" as it applies to our inner view...to our self-respect. There is no one who can give 'self-respect' to you but YOU. You 'redeem' yourself in the decisions that you make henceforth....and through your own resolve to be the best human being that you can possibly be. That's the whole point of human life if you ask me. (No one did....but what the heck... ) Anyway, I think you're well on your way. It's a tough road, but hey....we all tread it. You'll be okay.
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