caring guy Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 I'm dating someone, but all has gone fast, we've spent 3 days together, been intimate & everything it was all too fast, but that makes me want more, like i get a taste & crave more of that taste! She thinks it's been too fast, i agree, but she can back off, be alone & enjoy that. We both fancy each other, like each others company, but i can't cope, i just want to be with her more. Why am i like this & why is she different & why can't i be like her? I feel in limbo, i respect her space, we get along like we've known each other ages, but now she wants to be alone! Strange to me! CG
salmagundi Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 listen friend. You need to reread your post. And then read it again. And then ask yourself "why do I sound so desperate and needy. Because thats what you sound like. Are you making this "relationship" the center of your world. Thats a damn fine idea if you want to be codependant and clingy but I would take a step back, breathe, let her catch her breath too. If a girl tells you you guys are going to fast, its because your going to fast. Shes probably already reevaluating. If you really freak her out shes gonna bolt. So make her, and any other girl a PART of your life, then make her the most important part once both of you are sure of your feelings. But always have other parts to your life. You'll be more interesting and less clingy that way. Its something I've learned the hard way to. Good luck
Author caring guy Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 Thanks Salmagundi Your words are wise & i would probably say the same thing. But i'm terrible at putting it into practice! I'm learning all the time! What i think & said above is in my head, i try so much not to let the vibe get to her! I'm not mailing her all the time or calling her, but she is in my mind alot! It does do my head in not knowing where i am. I've needed to contact her about some travel arrangements & i had to cancel them as she was ill, i didn't know what to think, thought she was having second thoughts, my mind was playing games wiith me. Seemed like i was more bothered about this nice day i'd panned, but i had an incline when i got a message from her that she'd want to cancel. I am sure of my feelings, i get that sinking feeling in my stomach when i think of her! I have told her i'd love to show her the sights around here & there's many things she said she'd love to do with me, i'm a romantic & these images give me that feeling. Sometimes i do & say things from my heart, i'm considerate & caring, just some people see it as pushy! She just called, i'm sure i handled it well, i was considerrate as she's ill & told her i just want her to be well. We have plans & i know what i need to do. I just need to do it!
Author caring guy Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 She has told me that she feels pushed & that i want her a lot, which is true! She needed to get it off her chest that the 3 days when we met were too fast & i'm preparing it to move on & be a proper relationship when we see each other again! She doesn't want to talk about relationships & we've got on best when we haven't, i'm just a fool. I feel i need reassurance & hate that in limbo feeling that i am now. She says she's been ill & thats why we couldn't meet, i know she has been seing a physio for her back, but i'm not sure about her flu! Last weekend was so good, walking in town, a restaurant & i get so close so fast, but she admits it was partly her fault as she came back to mine & we spent 3 days together. I just don't know wether we are going to carry it on as before, if i shoud hold her hand when i see her, give her a kiss or what. Her English isn't graet & she sees this as a problem, i see it the opposite & that it's a nice ice breaker!We have so much in common & i feel so heartbroken because i feel we could be so good together. I just don't know what to do.
In Sync Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 She has told me that she feels pushed & that i want her a lot, which is true! She needed to get it off her chest that the 3 days when we met were too fast & i'm preparing it to move on & be a proper relationship when we see each other again! She doesn't want to talk about relationships & we've got on best when we haven't, i'm just a fool. I feel i need reassurance & hate that in limbo feeling that i am now. She says she's been ill & thats why we couldn't meet, i know she has been seing a physio for her back, but i'm not sure about her flu! Last weekend was so good, walking in town, a restaurant & i get so close so fast, but she admits it was partly her fault as she came back to mine & we spent 3 days together. I just don't know wether we are going to carry it on as before, if i shoud hold her hand when i see her, give her a kiss or what. Her English isn't graet & she sees this as a problem, i see it the opposite & that it's a nice ice breaker!We have so much in common & i feel so heartbroken because i feel we could be so good together. I just don't know what to do. OMG! You finally meet a girl you get along with...AND you're oing tod rive her away with smothering?!! DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? Back off now!!!! Don't blow it because of your (and I mean this lovingly) because of your stupid insecurity!!! She's into you. Give her space! Stop pushing. She is giving you a warning: take heed and listen or by next week you'lll be writing about being heartboken again. Wake up! Trust in yourself and the fact that she really likes you...but that like can quickly turn to GET AWAY FROM ME, if you smother her! Happy Holidays!
Outcast Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 You sound far too needy and clingy. You should see a therapist to get help because it sounds like you don't get into a normal situation when you care about someone - you become obsessive and that's really not good.
travellingman Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 Women are less likely to get infatuated at the beginning of a relationship. Just chill out, and things should be fine.
Author caring guy Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 Your all right, i must be stupid! Maybe if we hadn't gone so fast, over those 3 days, i wouldn't have gotten all my hopes up & she regrets spending too much time with me, too soon! I mean we were very intimate, the night after we met! & she feels she's known me ages! I do hope the damage isn't done & irreversable! She texted me today asking how i was, i said ok & that i'd call her tommorow about our meeting on Tuesday! I only call her or text when we arrange it, i'm not pestering her! We just end up talking about relationship on the phone & we both hate talking on the phone! Do you think that because it went so fast at the beginning, it's the reason for this. We planneda trip last week but she was ill, i thought it was an excuse! We're still going to her country together, but i hoped it would be as a couple, maybe like you all say, if i be cool, not talk relations, continue to make her laugh & show i'm there for her it can be! Thing is with me, i have a big heart & things i consider ok, she sees as pressuring, like i said i'd accompany her to the hospital when she recenty went, she said she was quite capable herself! I was just showing i was there for her! If she texts me, thats ok, like she instigates it!! The language thing is tricky on the phone, expressing oneself! I don't know wether she's angry with herself about teasing me & leading me on thinking i want full on relationship now, or wether she means at anytime in the future! Any thoughts!! Afterall, nobody knows the future!
Salmagundi Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 Hey CG, No, its not irreparable, but listen to me because I've learned this the hard way. DO NOT force her to "define" your relationship. Time will do that for you if it's meant to be. For now, step back, be cool and get to know her. Any insecurity on your part now will translate into a tendency to seem needy and clingy which WILL drive her away. DO make your life about other things. Be your own person. Don't play games but try to honestly not be available all the time. Hang out with other friends Friday night and suggest Saturday night for her, etc. If you are always around and always available at this early stage you will simply be taken for granted and your relations with her will become boring and predictable. Be more interesting. Pursue other interests than her. I learned that if you neglect friendships to spend time with a girl, you are spending too much time with the girl. Trust me. DON'T play games though. That would be stupid. Hope this helps. Just relax and enjoy whatever will be. Salmagundi
Author caring guy Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 gonna meet her tommorow, i know there's gona be stuff in my head i want to know! I can't ask her about wether she's gonna stay at mine anymore. I don't know if what she got off her chest is that she never wants to get in a relationship with me, or if she just wants to step back a little & act like we did when we first met!, take it from there! I don't know wether to ask if she wants to come over to mine & we can go to a bar & play pool, what she likes to do! Were gonna talk about surface stuff! I'm thinking i should be quiet & let her instigate talk topics. When we last saw each other, we were hugging, kissing with tongues, flirting, & we were dating, now i know nothing! I just feel that when i told her i was looking forward to seeing her, she maybe thought that it would progress as fast as it has! I don't think that, i just know that time & nature will do what it does & que sera, sera! Any thoughts cg
salmagundi Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 Hey CG, Like I say I'm going through something kinda similar. My advice is resist the urge when you're with her next to drag what she is thinking out of her. Of course you want to know what she is thinking, if she still has it for you etc. But if you press her in any way I bet you anything the conversation will spiral downwards. You'll push her more and more to say what you want to hear, she'll retreat, you'll get emotional and next thing you know your mouth is running away with you and you'll say something dumb and emotional and maybe desperate sounding that you'll regret after. As well, you might back her into a corner and make her feel like your happiness is contingent on her feelings for you. Not good as it gives her power she probably doesnt want over you and makes her feel guilty (and this will eventually cause her to resent you) I have mostly (but not entirely) avoided this. What you should do is keep things light and try and come off like you've got yourself together and are not going to die if your relationship ends. After all, this is EXACTLY how you have to think/feel. You have no choice so start now. Its a win/win situation because if you man up a bit and seem stable and in control of yourself and not dependant on her (of course you want her but you dont want to NEED her, much less seem like you desperately NEED her) this will only make you more attractive. At the very least she will respect you and you will keep your dignity regardless of what happens. And even if it has to be over you will be in the frame of mind you need to be to get over her, which you will do and you will be stronger for it because you will better know how to act/be next time around. If you keep it light but she steers the conversation towards what she is thinking, great, let her talk. Listen. Keep listening. See what she has to say. But please stay cool and give her time to see you are together and not a clingy mantrap. Thats more or less what I think, anyway, hope I'm making sense, stay in touch, salmagundi
Author caring guy Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 Cheers Salmagundi, your last 2 posts spoke wise words of common sense! We went out, i was cool, because she is not a great speaker of English, we sometimes crosswire & what she told me on the phone, maybe i miss interpreted! She just tells me not to talk so much & go with the flow! I know i do talk too much, maybe because i'm confused! I know now, to go with it. What you said about defining the relationship, thats definately something i've been thinking about, but not always blatantly coming out with!, i've told her how i feel & what i'm like, e.g. i bought her a present & wondered wether to give it her, as i thought i maybe buying her attraction & it would push, so i explained that wasn't the case, as some guys do with money etc, it was just a gift from my heart, something she wanted! I don't drag things from her, i just sometimes casualy instigate what i'm feeling & let her, if she wants, reply, but she gets the idea! It was a successful night, we held hands, it snowed, she put her arm round me, i asked her if she wanted to see me at my area on Thurs & left it at that, i texted her later to see if she got home ok & she said she was wonderting what to wear on Thurs. I'll keep posted as i have to rush now! Cheers again for advice! cg
salmagundi Posted December 28, 2005 Posted December 28, 2005 that all sounds good. i know what you mean about misinterpreting your girlfriend. My (pseudo) ex is french canadian and while my french is pretty good, her english is nonexistent. So our relationship is entirely in french which means that I'm the one who gets to wonder all the time if I grasped the subtlety of everything she tells me. It can drive you nuts, especially when things start going pear-shaped and every conversation and exchange can be potentially loaded with significance (or not). Go easy on presents. You're right in that it is a trait of "nice guys" to try and (even if subconsciously) buy the affection of their girlfriends. It can seem a little needy. Not to say never give her anything but maybe for now keep it light. Burn her a cd or something small. Significant but easy to pass off as no big deal, just a little something. And dont give and give if she doesnt reciprocate. I think right now you should just match her pace in all things. Dont put more into the relationship then you see her willing to put in. Ideally it will be 50/50 but give it time. This way you will keep your dignity because you wont be throwing yourself into this relation and getting frustrated if you find your doing all the work. Dont do all the work Everything I'm telling you I'm telling myself regarding my own situation so hopefully it works out for both of us. à la prochâine, salmagundi
Author caring guy Posted December 28, 2005 Author Posted December 28, 2005 Salmagundi Do you find talking on phone & texting is the worst thing, as being in person is the only way to communicate. I just bought her gift vouchers to get a coat she liked or something else! She wants to go out tommorow, i just take stuff negatively & it does my head in, why can't relationships be clear! I'm not doing all the work, as i'm SUPRISINGLY getting positive feedback, god knows why! but she wants to meet tommorow night & stay at mine, go for a beer! I seem to see the worst scenario in all situations!! Just waiting now to be let down! I'm matching her tempo, as you asy, sometims it makes my heart tear, but i will! Hace buen tiempo cg
Author caring guy Posted December 29, 2005 Author Posted December 29, 2005 She called me today, just before due to meet saying she'd been to her Physio & was aching & in pain! She has it for a back prob! She told me on Tuesday, that she wanted to come to mine & go out!, staying the evening! I said we could do it tommorow & she said she couldn't get back the next day as there was no buses, but i checked & there are! I don't know whether, she's avoiding the issue of not wanting to see me! She didn't have to text me & say she'd come out tonight with me, but she did! So i guess thats a positive! She even had some photos done & would give me one for my wallet! She said she'd post my xmas card & i said she can give me it when we meet, but she seemed to want to post it!, is that me or is it her thinking she wont see me. Were supposed to go out on Tuesdaty, she says she will, were going to her country, i still don't know if she plans to go ahead with that, i just dunno! I get positive vibes some days & negative ones the other! She's cancelled things before due to her being ill or something, but i don't know if it's realy that! I feel i need to know stuff, but that will push her! I just don't know whats going on & it's giving me a headache
My_Other_I Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 Caring Guy, Congratulations! But honestly, you need to chill. Seriously. After such a short time you are already obsessing with this girl. You are setting your self up for a huge heart-ache. With the speed you are going, if she decides to dump you in a month, you will be recovering for many more months. Take it easy, take a deep breath, tell yourself that life is fun and don't take things too seriously unless they REALLY do become serious. I wish you good luck and have fun!
salmagundi Posted December 30, 2005 Posted December 30, 2005 hey CG, its been a while since i've checked your thread and I'm curious as to whats going on and how you're dealing... Let me say that I dont really like hearing that shes blatantly lying to you to give you a reason why she cant see you. Its disrespectful and also unnecessary. If she doesnt want to come out on a given day she should just say so. I wonder, thought, if she feels she has to make excuses to not see you because she feels too much pressure from you....i dunno. But if shes being dishonest and you are feeling you need to fact check her stories because you are suspecting she is bull****ting you then you dont have trust between you and thats never good. I agree with My Other I in that you still need to chill out and back up a bit. You need to work on wanting her without needing her. thats easy to say and not so easy to dobut 'needing' someone puts you on the slippery slope to codependency. I say that at the same time that I have been fairly intensely examining my feelings for my ex and trying to find where my wanting her stops and where my needing her in my life begins. Do I need her? Is that why I feel so ****ty? I dunno. I'm kinda confused. Tell us whats going on... salmagundi
Author caring guy Posted December 31, 2005 Author Posted December 31, 2005 Hi all I'm renewing my passport to go with her to her country, i want & thought that at that time we could be more or less getting there to being a couple! You know, the romantic thing in a European city & all that goes with it! She's a free person, loved what we had, likesto be with me, thinks kissing, holding hands, hugging is ok & even sex is ok, but not serious, just fun! I am different, i mean she is great looking & we like each other, but i have had limited relationships, because i take them seriously! If i have an intimate relationship, it means something to me, not just sex! She isn't a girl that sleeps around, she said that the weekend we spent was because it was the infatuation of it all, the excitement, she said she fancyd me & i fell for her.! I'm so stupid! I feel lots for her, cos i haven't slept around, i'm not that type, neither is she, but her emotions dont go as far as if someone don't like her or vica versa! I am emotional & take all to heart, i do love her, think of her also! I'm in love, i love & hate it, why can't i be unemotional:(
My_Other_I Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 CG, emotional is good, but co-dependend....um...you have issues. Tell me honestly what do you "love' about her? How do you love after such a short time? I really think that you like the feeling of having someone and get hooked way too fast. She senses it and knows that she has you wrapped around her finger. I'm not saying she's gonna use it against you, but codependency is not the most attractive thing in guys After you come back from the trip, why don't you give your self at least a week without talking and seeing her, just to see how you feel. Get your feelings straight and give it time. Things that go too fast tend to fade too fast as well. Good luck and have a great time!
Kengne II Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 CG, emotional is good, but co-dependend....um...you have issues. Tell me honestly what do you "love' about her? How do you love after such a short time? I really think that you like the feeling of having someone and get hooked way too fast. She senses it and knows that she has you wrapped around her finger. I'm not saying she's gonna use it against you, but codependency is not the most attractive thing in guys After you come back from the trip, why don't you give your self at least a week without talking and seeing her, just to see how you feel. Get your feelings straight and give it time. Things that go too fast tend to fade too fast as well. Good luck and have a great time! I agree 100%. CG - you need to rein in your emotions. I think you are spiralling 'in love' with this girl way too fast, too much, and too soon. Perhaps you should even reconsider the trip if possible. I think a break would do you good to slow things down considerably. K.
Author caring guy Posted December 31, 2005 Author Posted December 31, 2005 Your both right! What do i love about her! How she looks, smells, kisses, smiles, the fact she's foreign & it's exciting, is this love? I am needy, i know, i don't want to be this way, i maybe am codependent, i see things in black & white, i take things too seriously. I had this image of us being & traveling together, maybe a flat somewhere. I look too far ahead & She wants to be free, feels i'm a bit soft & that scares her, i'm not soft, just sensitive & emotional! (hate that too). She also thinks i'm a fantastic guy. Is it possible to have sex, kiss & hold hands, without it being serious! & is it true, that when you stop trying, thats when the unexpected will happen! We've agreed to have fun & i hope we can, i just don't know wether she's going to let me down for the trip on Tuesday,but i thanked her for the conversation & fun is what we'll have & no 'us' talk! cg
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