BB1 Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 I never thought of myself as the type of person to have an affair. In fact, it was far from the first offer I'd ever had and I'd turned everyone else down, so I thought I was immune. I'd only been with my husband for 15 years and thought that our long relationship also meant that I wouldn't stray. Everything was going great in our marriage until we had a baby. I don't know what happened. My husband withdrew completely and refused to have anything to do with our son. He started staying out late and drinking and took a job where he travels all the time and is gone 3-4 days a week. Even when he's at home, he has friends over constantly and avoids any real discussion. He started putting me down and my self-esteem took a deep dive. But I still thought I would perservere through all of this difficulty. I became friends with a MM years ago before I even had trouble in my marriage. He and his wife never have sex and he is completely naive and only had one other partner than his wife. In fact, he was a virgin until later in life. So, on one level I felt really sorry for him. We started talking more regularly, but just as friends. I couldn't believe his lack of inexperience and figured since my marriage was on the rocks anyway that I would just have fun. Okay, I know that's horrible and stupid. I thought it would be one experience and that would get it out of both of our systems. I thought if anything, his lack of sex would make him the one with an attachment problem and not me. So we had sex and I couldn't believe it, but I found myself falling in love with him. UGH! I hate it. He said he wasn't going to leave his wife and that we could still see each other. He tells me all the cliches you all have posted previously...that we are soulmates, that I'm so special to him, blah blah. He even tells me that he loves me and that he always will, but my having a child and he lives far away from me and doesn't want to relocate, blah blah. I wish it was as easy as just giving him up and moving on with my life. The problem is that my husband is still gone all the time and I'm terribly lonely. I hate what this has done to my life. I feel like the worst mother on the planet and can barely look at my son. When my husband comes home, I can't decide if I should have sex with him or not. He says he wants another baby. I tried to go to therapy, but it actually didn't help and I was surprised because therapy has helped in the past with other issues. I find myself crying all the time. I wonder when my MM will contact me, but then I get pissed and decide I shouldn't care. The other part of it is that we've been friends for so long. Is it possible to maintain the friendship and lose the affair part? How long will I be trapped in this? Why can't I jsut break free?
Bryanp Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Have you thought of being honest with your husband and dealing with all of the issues involved? If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your husband to be honest and upfront with you. The OM wants to use you as a sex toy and you continue to disrespect your husband, your marriage and yourself. How would you feel if your husband was putting your health at risk by screwing his good female friend behind your back? Do you wish to be an honest person or not? The choice is yours.
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Please, whatever you do, do not have another baby! It won't better your marriage, it will make it worse! More stress, more work for you and you'll be alone while he's at work. I suggest you point out tell your husband that you're very unhappy, that you need some marriage counselling - And he has to start pulling his weight! The MM (married man) already has told you that he isn't going to leave his wife, so why bother with him? I mean, I understand you are lonely, missing and needing your husband - But to continue down this path, not only are you ruining your marriage, but also yourself. You owe it to your child to give the marriage a good chance, to work things out. Staying with the MM is only going to mess you up, make you feel worse later on.
BB1 Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I guess I should also mention that my husband had an affair early in our relationship and had an online flirtation for a while. I forgave both of those incidents and they were years ago. I can't seem to forgive myself for making such a horrible mistake. I told my husband I wanted to go for counseling and he refused. My therapist suggested that I tell my husband that he wants to talk to him about me as a way of coercing him to go to counseling. First, I need to figure out how to get MM out of my system. Are all men just evil? Everything I've read about these MM using women as sex toys is just horrible. How can they have no feelings at all? We were friends before all this started . I can't believe someone could use a friend like that.
TMCM Posted December 26, 2005 Posted December 26, 2005 I told my husband I wanted to go for counseling and he refused. My therapist suggested that I tell my husband that he wants to talk to him about me as a way of coercing him to go to counseling. Beleive me when I tell you that ALL the counseling in the world is going to be worthless until you end your affair with MM. Furthermore, how good will the counseling be if knowledge of your affair is hidden from your H and counselor? First, I need to figure out how to get MM out of my system. Send him a NC [no contact] letter in which you tell him once and for all that you want to try to rebuild your marriage and that his 'friendship' is an obstacle to achieving that goal. It should also state firmly that you do not want him to contact you ever again. Are all men just evil? Everything I've read about these MM using women as sex toys is just horrible. First of all, be honest with yourself. Your own words said that you chose to have sex with him to get it out of both of your systems, essentially using each other as sex toys. The problem was that you did not count on falling in love with MM. How can they have no feelings at all? We were friends before all this started . I can't believe someone could use a friend like that. Excuse me but your motives are not as pure as snow considering that you are keeping him around only because your H has not changed his ways. You own words prove this: I wish it was as easy as just giving him up and moving on with my life. The problem is that my husband is still gone all the time and I'm terribly lonely. Is it possible to maintain the friendship and lose the affair part? No, your friendship ended the moment you two chose to cross the line towards an affair. Would you buy this 'just being friends' argument from your H with regards to the woman he had an affair with? I think you know the answer to this, don't you? How long will I be trapped in this? Why can't I jsut break free? Your going to be trapped in the affair as long as you want. The reason you can't break free of the affair is because of your fear and distrust of recommitting to your H. You didn't just fall in love with the OM simply because of the sex you had with him but more probably because he was giving you the attention, affection and admiration that your H wasn't giving you. Many a married man doesn't realize the loneliness and despair that his W is going through even if she has been very vocal and explicit about it. That is until the W confesses she has or is having an affair. At that point, the H either leaves his W for good or finally wakes up and acknowledges his behavior contributed significantly in creating the affair friendly marital environment. It is risky to confess but maintaining the status quo will only make matters worse for you and your marriage. It might be a good idea that you go see the counselor first and confess to him/her about your addictive affair with the MM and see if he/she is willing to break the news to your H durign his/her first session with the two of you together. Between you and your counselor, you may be able to penetrate your H's thick head and finally open his eyes how bad the state of the marriage truly is. TMCM
Greg25 Posted December 31, 2005 Posted December 31, 2005 Your marriage seems to be in very grave trouble, I think because firstly your husband cheated on you twice, and secondly, he has emotionally withdrawn himself from your marriage. Unfortunately I think your own cheating has made things worse, because now you've drawn a third party into the situation, which is messing you up with horrible conflicting feelings of guilt, shame, love, lust, and sadness. I think you need to seek counselling for your marital issues and stop seeing this other bloke, at least until some of your underlying issues are resolved. I think you looked for in an affair the things you weren't getting from your husband, such as emotional warmth and affection and a sense of being sexually desired; sadly, trying to find these by cheating only leads to an escalating spiral of pain, guilt and suffering which won't stop until the cheating stops.
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