Non-driver, is it a dealbreaker?

[AllisonGMC]

I’ve met a great guy. We’ve been dating (exclusively) for a year. He’s laid back, respectful, attentive, intelligent, financially savvy, owns his own home, has a stable job and career. However, he doesn’t drive. When we go out on dates I have to meet him somewhere near a metro station and of course drive wherever we decide to go afterwards. We’ve had discussions about him taking driving lessons and his answer is always “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” to date he hasn’t. My question is…should I continue dating this guy? Growing tired of driving us everywhere like I’m an Uber driver. Please let me know your thoughts? 

[Shach]

Sometimes driving places isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes it’s just much easier to drive people places because trying to give directions can be a hassle. If he is in a more populated area, it might also take him more time to meet you places because of traffic, and it makes it easier to know that he can’t bail during a date when you’re the one who’s driving. If you truly care for him, (I’m not saying you don’t) it shouldn’t matter if he can drive or not. You could even talk to him about paying for some your gas money since you have to drive him places. If he’s a good guy, he should agree. If not, express your feelings about how you’re tired of taking him everywhere and that you would appreciate it if he drove. Perhaps he doesn’t feel comfortable driving places, and maybe that’s why he is not keen on learning. 

[basil67]

15 minutes ago, AllisonGMC said:

I’ve met a great guy. We’ve been dating (exclusively) for a year. He’s laid back, respectful, attentive, intelligent, financially savvy, owns his own home, has a stable job and career. However, he doesn’t drive. When we go out on dates I have to meet him somewhere near a metro station and of course drive wherever we decide to go afterwards. We’ve had discussions about him taking driving lessons and his answer is always “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” to date he hasn’t. My question is…should I continue dating this guy? Growing tired of driving us everywhere like I’m an Uber driver. Please let me know your thoughts? 

I understand.  One of my early boyfriends had a license but no car.  I also got tired of driving, so I told him how I feel - and then he got a car.

In your situation, I understand that you've discussed him learning to drive, but have you ever bluntly told him that you're tired of being the driver all the time?  Another option is that you tell him that sometimes you don't want to drive and would be grateful if he'd offer an UBER from time to time  

[Wiseman2]

Do you know why he doesn't drive? Do you live in a city with good pubic transportation? 

Is there an issue with him not being eligible for a driver's license such as something on his record? How old is he?  

How does he get to work, run errands, visit friends and family and get by otherwise?

Please stop telling him to get a license. Does he even own a car? If not what's the point? Just stop chauffeuring him around before you explode with resentment. 

Edited March 18 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

Only you know if it's a deal breaker for you.  He apparently can function without driving.  My cousin lives in NYC & doesn't drive.  She has no problem getting around.  

[AllisonGMC]

Thanks everyone! Your advice and feedback is appreciated! We live in the Washington, DC Metro area. He takes public transportation, an Uber or Lyft. He has a driver’s license but decides not to drive and hasn’t drove in years. He doesn’t own a car. I sincerely thought I could/would be his motivation to start driving again but I guess not. 

[happyhorizons]

Maybe, he has a fear of driving or maybe he has some type of trauma associated with driving, have you asked? 

[Alpacalia]

I don't think it's a problem UNLESS he is depending on you to do all of the driving. If that is the case then you should determine if that's ok with you. Are you independent? Do you enjoy driving? But the main thing is that he doesn't expect you to do all of the driving. If not, then there is no issue.

A person can have their own reasons for not driving and everyone has their own issues that need to be addressed. Maybe he doesn't want to drive and has some other way of getting around. Some people are environmentally aware and don't want to own a car. My cousin lives in NYC and doesn't drive because he doesn't need to. He's an esteemed doctor. He prefers mass transit. It's readily available in NYC.

Just make sure he isn't using you to chauffeur him around all the time.

Edited March 19 by Alpacalia

[Els]

19 hours ago, AllisonGMC said:

Thanks everyone! Your advice and feedback is appreciated! We live in the Washington, DC Metro area. He takes public transportation, an Uber or Lyft. He has a driver’s license but decides not to drive and hasn’t drove in years. He doesn’t own a car. I sincerely thought I could/would be his motivation to start driving again but I guess not. 

I'm not sure about Washington DC, but in some of the cities that I've lived in, not owning a car is actually a smart financial decision. If the public transportation system is good and parking is expensive, you'd save literally thousands of dollars a year by using public transport, and the occasional Uber when you need to go somewhere that isn't convenient for public transport. Personally, I don't drive because the cost of just car registration + renting an apartment carpark for my car would be $3000+ a year ($200/month for the carpark and $700 for the rego)... that's without counting the cost of gas, destination parking, and of course the car itself. Public transport is handy, cheap, encourages a healthier lifestyle, and does my bit for the environment.

That being said, he shouldn't be relying on you to get everywhere. At the very least, he should be getting Ubers to take you out sometimes.

Edited March 19 by Els

[Gaeta]

I want you to know it's ok for you to not be ok with this, and it does not make you a bad person. 

I tried to date a man without his driver's license. He had no medical reason, he just did not want a car. I dated him on and off for 6 months and I tried to convince myself I was ok with it. Everybody made me feel superficial for having an issue with him not having a car. 

Everywhere we went I was driving, I drove to pick him up, dropped him back after. For him to visit me it was like a 1 hour bus ride compared to my 15 minutes drive to him. Of course I felt bad having him ride a hot bus for an hour so....I drove. 

It was too much for me. I drive almost 1 hour in morning to go to work, another to come back at night, and I would have to drive a boyfriend around that can afford a car but just don't want one? So we split up. 

Now I am dating a man that drives. It's a much more equal relationship, both of us driving frees our time, it's more practical, there is  no feeling of 'you take advantage of me'. There is just too much to do in a day to be driving a grown man around. 

Edited March 20 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

The question is this: is this guy, despite the inconvenience of him not driving, really worth it, like overwhelmingly worth it, to stay with? You could fill in the blank here. Is this person, despite having an annoying mother, ... despite having debt ... despite not making as much money as you ... on and on ... ..it always comes back to: are they worth it? And worth it in the sense of you being fully selfish and self-interested. 

Another way to put this is to say: if his lack of driving gets on your nerves, then you don't really like him enough as a partner for the relationship to work. He's not the right person for you. I had a close relative who didn't drive, and he got all kinds of dates because he was charming and the women didn't mind. Lots of these women had dated jerks before and these jerks all drove. These women tuned into his charm and warmth and generosity. 

BTW: your guy has NO intension to drive. His wishy-washy responses to your suggestion that he take lessons, you need to see that he's saying "No, driving is not a priority with me and I have no intention to focus on that." Come out of denial. 

You can think about how to make driving less onerous. That's legit. But you only want to be with him if being with him (not driving) is fine. As in you're still having a blast and wouldn't want to date someone else. If you can't say that, then he's not for you. You don't get "good" at this point of a relationship. You need to be in ultra selfish mode. We partner with others because we think they are the best person we can have and we want them in our lives, flaws and all. He should pass your I-really-wanna-be-with-him test without you being "nice" or generous in your grading. There will be other women out there for whom driving (like with my relative) is not a big deal. 

 

 

 

 

[smackie9]

I agree this is up to you if it's a deal breaker. Me personally it is. I prefer a man that drives me to go out for dinner etc. I'm old skool that way I guess. Plus I'm a car geek...there would be incompatibility. I pretty much only dated car guys. 

I do understand why so many who don't because of cost. Over 8 bucks a gallon here, and over 5 grand in insurance if you have never insured a vehicle/new driver. 

Edited March 21 by smackie9

[ZA Dater]

I think if you have to try convince yourself this is not an issue then maybe might be best to then Uber and get him to pay or ask him how he intends to travel. Get a feel for how he would meet you without the convenience of you driving him.

[AllisonGMC]

On 3/19/2024 at 9:36 PM, Gaeta said:

I want you to know it's ok for you to not be ok with this, and it does not make you a bad person. 

I tried to date a man without his driver's license. He had no medical reason, he just did not want a car. I dated him on and off for 6 months and I tried to convince myself I was ok with it. Everybody made me feel superficial for having an issue with him not having a car. 

Everywhere we went I was driving, I drove to pick him up, dropped him back after. For him to visit me it was like a 1 hour bus ride compared to my 15 minutes drive to him. Of course I felt bad having him ride a hot bus for an hour so....I drove. 

It was too much for me. I drive almost 1 hour in morning to go to work, another to come back at night, and I would have to drive a boyfriend around that can afford a car but just don't want one? So we split up. 

Now I am dating a man that drives. It's a much more equal relationship, both of us driving frees our time, it's more practical, there is  no feeling of 'you take advantage of me'. There is just too much to do in a day to be driving a grown man around. 

Thank you for responding! I’m going through the exact same thing! It’s exhausting and I do feel bad dropping him off at the metro station or bus depot. He’s a great guy who chooses not to drive or learn. Yes, people will make you feel superficial or materialistic. I have a decision to make soon - stay and live with resentment or leave. 

[AllisonGMC]

On 3/18/2024 at 8:32 PM, happyhorizons said:

Maybe, he has a fear of driving or maybe he has some type of trauma associated with driving, have you asked? 

Yes, I’ve asked. No trauma or fear. He has a driver’s license and drove years ago and stopped driving. He can afford a vehicle, he just chooses not to drive because of the access to public transportation here (Washington, DC). I even offered to pay for some of the driving lessons but his answer is always “I’ll think about it.” 

[Wiseman2]

He doesn't need driving lessons. He just doesn't own a car. Is he compensating by paying for everything else like dates and entertaining? Make sure he does his fair share if you are using your car for everything and make sure you never chauffeur him around for errands, etc. 

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, AllisonGMC said:

 Yes, people will make you feel superficial or materialistic. 

Hold on, this is insecurity talking. If you think someone is going to spend more than 30 seconds thinking about why you break up with this guy, you're wrong.  This is your own internal (very inappropriate) fear and guilt and over-worry about what other people think--that's what's talking here, not any kind of social reality. And people cannot "make" you feel bad about this. You are making yourself feel bad. You get to decide what's ethical or not. 

To imagine the inconvenience you feel as something other people might label "materialistic" is just way off base. Have you polled women you know about their views on guys who don't drive? You would not be in a minority. I'm a guy and I'd seriously hesitate before dating a woman who doesn't drive. And I wouldn't feel an ounce of weirdness about it.  I have a bunch of women friends. I can't imagine any of them looking down on me for this choice. 

Back to basics: if you are asking this question, that means you don't really like him enough to date. 

 

 

[happyhorizons]

2 hours ago, AllisonGMC said:

Thank you for responding! I’m going through the exact same thing! It’s exhausting and I do feel bad dropping him off at the metro station or bus depot. He’s a great guy who chooses not to drive or learn. Yes, people will make you feel superficial or materialistic. I have a decision to make soon - stay and live with resentment or leave. 

That is exactly right....it comes down to what you want and what you can live with NOBODY else.  I guess you must weigh all factors and make the best decision for you.

[AllisonGMC]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't need driving lessons. He just doesn't own a car. Is he compensating by paying for everything else like dates and entertaining? Make sure he does his fair share if you are using your car for everything and make sure you never chauffeur him around for errands, etc. 

He pays for everything. If we go out for dessert or coffee afterwards, I pay. If I want to try something new and desire company, (without my girlfriends) I pick up the check. That doesn’t happen often. He doesn’t ask me to pick him up or run errands. If I decide to continue with the relationship I will be dropping him off at the metro station or bus depot instead of home when the date ends. That’s all. 😁Thank you.

[happyhorizons]

3 hours ago, AllisonGMC said:

He pays for everything. If we go out for dessert or coffee afterwards, I pay. If I want to try something new and desire company, (without my girlfriends) I pick up the check. That doesn’t happen often. He doesn’t ask me to pick him up or run errands. If I decide to continue with the relationship I will be dropping him off at the metro station or bus depot instead of home when the date ends. That’s all. 😁Thank you.

He doesn't sound like a bad guy he just doesn't wanna drive....decisions decisions

[Els]

On 3/26/2024 at 5:57 AM, AllisonGMC said:

He pays for everything. If we go out for dessert or coffee afterwards, I pay. If I want to try something new and desire company, (without my girlfriends) I pick up the check. That doesn’t happen often. He doesn’t ask me to pick him up or run errands. If I decide to continue with the relationship I will be dropping him off at the metro station or bus depot instead of home when the date ends. That’s all. 😁Thank you.

Honestly you don't even need to drop him off at the metro station if you don't want to... he should be taking complete responsibility for getting home by himself, unless it was specifically agreed upon as a one-time thing (e.g. you wanted to try a restaurant that was far from a metro station and he said it was too far to walk). That's the whole point of choosing not to own a car - you gotta own your choice and get yourself to and from the places that you want to go to.

[mark clemson]

On 3/18/2024 at 3:27 PM, AllisonGMC said:

 financially savvy

Seems like Uber/Lyft/taxi's will solve the issue then.

[mark clemson]

On 3/18/2024 at 3:27 PM, AllisonGMC said:

 financially savvy

Seems like Uber/Lyft/taxi's will solve the issue then, if you don't feel like hauling him around.

 

On 3/18/2024 at 4:24 PM, AllisonGMC said:

We live in the Washington, DC Metro area.

I recognized by your use of the word "Metro" for public transit that you probably lived in the DC area. However, I'd suggest you NOT give personal info like that out in online forums. They had a rule about that here and would delete such info when provided back when we had moderators.