gordon_gc Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Alrit, I have a question regarding the right things to do to get back with my ex gf... My exgf broke up with me about 1 1/2 months ago. The main reason for the break up was that she felt suffocated, etc...etc... During that month and a half apart, I can openly say i screwed it up by trying to show her we still had a chance to make it work, etc...etc... Also, the main purpose of keeping in touch with her was the fact that I wanted her to come to my graduation ceremony (it was important for me). She always told me she would be part of it. Anyway, 14 dec...graduation day, No contact from her, I am like a kid waiting for his parents to show up at an end-of-the-year play...She never showed up, called me right before the ceremony but obviously i couldnt talk to her so I asked her to call me back later. I actually felt really upset and angry about her behavior. She called me twice that 14 dec, I never answered. She called again 7 times since then but I never answered. She called again today, left a message on my voice mail to ask "what's going on? etc,etc..." ...nothing emotional. I still want to get back with her and dont know if i should answer her call or just stick to my guns and cut contact 'til she says to me "I'am sorry or something like that".... I am scared to send the wrong signal by cutting all contacts but don't want to give myself too easily. dont know what to do !!!! Help me !!! 1
bluechocolate Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 I still want to get back with her and dont know if i should answer her call or just stick to my guns and cut contact 'til she says to me "I'am sorry or something like that".... How can she apologise if you won't answer her calls? Maybe that is precisely what she wants to do. She's called you at least 9 times and you would like to get back with this girl? Call her & see what she has to say. At the very least answer the next time (if there is a next time - a lot of people will have given up after the 2nd or 3rd attempt). If she doesn't apologise and/or make any indication that a reconciliation is possible then assume it's over & move on. I have a question regarding the right things to do to get back with my ex gf... There really is no right thing that anyone can do in your situation. A quote from Gordon Livingston, M.D. Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least.
Author gordon_gc Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 You are probably right...not talking to her will not bring me any answers, only assumptions !!! The reasons I haven't return the calls is because all my friend made a point by telling me I shouldn't care because she didn't care about hurting me by not showing up to graduation. Anyway, I will probably return her calls sometime today and see how it goes. She might not even answer !!!
CaliGuy Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 By not calling her back you are showing a level of immaturity. You are gaining revenge for what purpose? To hurt her back? Be a bigger man, call her back, let her know you were disappointed she didn't show but you've been busy. Be good but don't suffocate her, don't beg for her back. Just be confident in who you are. Show her you don't need her in your life, you just want her in it. I told my ex that and she was surprised. Since I booted her out I have not emailed, called, sent flowers or anything. It's quite a revelation to her.
Author gordon_gc Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 I guess one of the reasons I decided not to return calls in the first place was that I was angry with her behavior. Then, I realised it would actually be a good reason for me to work my way up (emotionally) and learn to realise I could live without her...that life would still goes on. I really needed to be more emotionally stable. I learnt a lot these last 7+ days about myself, my relationship with her, my strenghts, my weaknesses. I can also say that I wanted to play a game and in some way, change the odds by showing to her i could be strong...not clingy anymore. You guys are probably right, I should call... Anyone thinks otherwise ???
CaliGuy Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I guess one of the reasons I decided not to return calls in the first place was that I was angry with her behavior. Then, I realised it would actually be a good reason for me to work my way up (emotionally) and learn to realise I could live without her...that life would still goes on. I really needed to be more emotionally stable. I learnt a lot these last 7+ days about myself, my relationship with her, my strenghts, my weaknesses. I can also say that I wanted to play a game and in some way, change the odds by showing to her i could be strong...not clingy anymore. You guys are probably right, I should call... Anyone thinks otherwise ??? Call her. Don't apologize profusely, just tell her you were taking some time to deal with things on your own. Don't play a game with her, just learn from your past mistakes. It's ok to be independent and she should know that. Just don't punish her for one thing she didn't do. For all you know, she might have had a good excuse for not going.
Author gordon_gc Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 Just don't punish her for one thing she didn't do. For all you know, she might have had a good excuse for not going. I am not punishing her...I think I am mostly punishing myself !!! Regarding the excuse for not going...I don't really care. What I minded in that situation is more the fact that she always told me she would be part of it and gave me hope to share the joy that day gave me. I was also upset with her not telling me she wouldn't be able to come when she knew it. Anyway, I know it might sound arrogant but these last few days of silence had made me realise lots of things and hopefully, she also has learn some lessons from it.
Author gordon_gc Posted December 24, 2005 Author Posted December 24, 2005 Ok, I finally decided to call last night (friday). As expected, she didn't answer the phone. I left a message just to say hi and asking her to return my call when she'll get that message. Now, lots of questions are going through my head. First, I hope I didn't wait too long before calling. Then, I am wondering if I should try again today as it is Xmas eve. What do you think I should do ? Wait or initiate a contact again???
riobikini Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 If you call (and I think you're going to), -TELL HER THE TRUTH: that you were hurt when she became a 'no-show' for your graduation...AND how badly she handled the absence with a flimsy last-minute phone call that (obviously) upset you and caused your mind to be distracted with her bad behavior instead of (what should have been) one of the happier days of your life. In the meantime, really look into her accusation of your being suffocating. Read some of the posts here on LS having to do with 'clingy' behavior. If you find you do have a problem there, begin taking steps to work on it. If it turns out you were only reacting to HER behavior and buzzing too hard to get the attention of an emotionally detached, narcissistic, happily unsure, immature, or otherwise (i.e. with other men) distracted female, -I'd say make NC a permanent thing with her. Take care. -Rio
Author gordon_gc Posted December 24, 2005 Author Posted December 24, 2005 If you call (and I think you're going to), -TELL HER THE TRUTH: that you were hurt when she became a 'no-show' for your graduation...AND how badly she handled the absence with a flimsy last-minute phone call that (obviously) upset you and caused your mind to be distracted with her bad behavior instead of (what should have been) one of the happier days of your life. I can be strong enough not to call...I have learnt to become more detached from her but what i want to know is...Would you like to be called ? By telling the truth, I will indirectly suffocate her again and this is not my goal. Someone told me that if i really want to get back with her (if there are any chances), I gonna have to FORGET AND FORGIVE all that happened. And I am willing to do so and not reproach anything. In the meantime, really look into her accusation of your being suffocating. Read some of the posts here on LS having to do with 'clingy' behavior. I have checked this post and rio, I have to admit it is a really good one regarding clingy behaviour. I became clingy as I am French living in Australia (she is Australian) and I slowly went into her life and her network as it was the easy solution. I also was clingy because it was my first serious relationship and wanted to make it work. I was clingy because I thought it was what she expected. I was clingy due to all the values my family gave me. I learnt the hard way that being respectful and full of attention should always be in a relationship but in a good balance to be displayed. Since she broke up with me, I have learnt to become more independant, more self focused and more willing to build my own environment and circle of friends. Should I call then ?
JasLove7 Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 JUS WAIT FOR HER PHONE CALL NOW...you ddid leave a message at least.....both are playing lil games and be a lil more mature....from expereince .....its better to say things straight out....say wat you feel at the moment...b/c if you keep it inside...you have unanswered questions...for that day for not showing up for the graduation..jus ask nicely...then be like "o ok." and move on to another subject.........i know it hurt that she didn't come...but still ..what can u do now...things can't change ..
Author gordon_gc Posted December 24, 2005 Author Posted December 24, 2005 I want to answer her call if she decides to call again however, I am not sure she will call again. I tried to call last night but she didn't answer. Do you think I should give it another go ?
riobikini Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 Gordon...I can't answer your question on whether to call or not. It's much too important for you to ask that someone make that decision for you. You may be be influenced, here....you may gain some valuable and structured insight, but it's YOUR life. And I respect that point on your behalf, also realizing that, ultimately, you are the decision-maker in this, and it's YOUR happiness and well-being (not mine), that's being discussed here. Take in the replies to your post, use your intuition, get your head and heart in alignment, and you'll come to the best decision you can with what you know. And Gordon....Joyeux Noel. (Smile) Take care. -Rio
crazy_grl Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 Don't call her anymore. You've already called at least once and left a message. She knows you want to talk to her. Let her call you. If she broke up with you for being clingy, then continuous calls are only going to hurt your chances of getting her back. Stop worrying about her and focus on your life. If she's going to call, she'll call. More phone calls from you aren't going to change that... except maybe to get the exact opposite outcome you're looking for.
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