kellyp1 Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 So I am dating this new guy and we have to overcome our first challenge. He freaked out over meeting my parents after we were dating for a month and a half. The meeting was more because of the situation (he went on an extra ticket to an NFL game) and he even said he was not uncomfortable at all. He just overthought it and freaked out on me after the fact. So, I am getting past being irritated at him for being a jerk for a couple of weeks but there is another thing I can't stand that I think still relates to it. When we go out, he will say, maybe we can go out xyz day. I tell him maybe does not work for me and he says he only says maybe because if something comes up, he does not want to disappoint me. He has never flaked on me for a maybe request date but I still feel second rate whenever he says maybe. What tactics are recommended for getting a real date without a maybe? I am used to being too nice so some tips for playing hard to get would be good too.
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Tell him exactly what you said here. How it makes you feel when he says maybe. That you feel like his second choice! Don't play games, if you like him alot and you think he's worth it, talk to him. 1
sparticuss Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Kelly One of the most UN funny comededy films I've seen in recent times was "Meet the Parents" It was totally unfunny because it was too close to reality. Exagerrated yes, but not by much.' So we are here for starters. Do your parents actually know how to make your boyfreind WELCOME in their home? Just as they would with any OTHER GUEST. And he's a jerk because he freaked out. Not likely m dear. He freaked out because they are hostile to your boyfriends. They are probably as unaware of it as you are but they are hostile. Compare how they trreat your boyfriends to how they treat your girlfriends, compared to how they treat other guest. Once you are aware of it you will see the difference. Now the second one , the maybes. You want definite this and definite that. So what are you going to do when he just doesnt' turn up for a date? Sit and sulk and then scream abuse when he phones to apologise? Thats a sure way to lose him when the reason he failed to turn up is he was hit by a car and is now in agony with a dozen broken bones. So skip the "hes a jerk " attitude rreal fast or you will get such a rotten reputation that the only bf's you will ever get are the rotten ones who can't get the quality babes. Finally. This demanding definites all the time is one of the symptoms of a control freak. One of the worst emotional abusers in the business. ( And there are plenty of posting about emotional abue in these boards) You have said yourself that he has never broken a maybe. Youve got it good lady. You don't know how good youve got it. What you should do now is apologise for your bad behaviour and promise to trreat him with more understanding in the future.
Cecelius Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Why don't you ask him out for a specific date and time, and if he says "maybe" tell him that's a no as far as you are concered.
Walk Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Why don't you ask him out for a specific date and time, and if he says "maybe" tell him that's a no as far as you are concered. I tell him maybe does not work for me and he says he only says maybe because if something comes up, he does not want to disappoint me. Now the second one , the maybes. You want definite this and definite that. So what are you going to do when he just doesnt' turn up for a date? Sit and sulk and then scream abuse when he phones to apologise? Thats a sure way to lose him when the reason he failed to turn up is he was hit by a car and is now in agony with a dozen broken bones. So skip the "hes a jerk " attitude rreal fast or you will get such a rotten reputation that the only bf's you will ever get are the rotten ones who can't get the quality babes. Funny sparticuss. I'm sure she'd act just like that too. whatever. She's just saying that by him never fully commiting through words, it causes her insecurity. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. She's not asking for the holy grail, or a promise signed in blood. Just a verbal commitment to a date. Kellyp1: My bf and I had an "argument" over word usage in the beginning of our relationship. He explained why it made him feel as though I didn't care much about the relationship, or him, and I made sure after that to always be definite when it comes to him. Tell him exactly why it bothers you. Don't do it in an accusatory manner, as in "you better never do that again"... but if you explain that it makes you feel unimportant, he'll probably change his word usage. The important thing though is to take his actions into consideration. You know that he must find you important or else you wouldn't be saying he's never stood you up for a maybe. Sometimes people don't understand how a little word can hurt someone else. We don't think it means the same thing as someone else may take it. Talk to him, calmly and rationally, and without any "you did this wrong", but in a positive manner. I think he'll realize that the word maybe is causing you more hurt then he ever intended it to. Also, although sparticuss may say it rather judgmentally about the attitude of your family, there is real truth in what he is saying. Some of my SO's families have been... not unwelcoming, but definitely not welcoming. Some I flat out refused to see, others I delayed as much as possible, and a few I enjoyed seeing. Don't be too harsh on him about it. It's uncomfortable no matter what, but to have your SO upset with you because you feel like your not accepted, or that you're being judged by the peole who are closest to your SO. It's a bad situation... Try to make it easier on him. Please. I hated it when an SO would ignore my concerns about the attitudes or feelings the family had of me. It made me feel unimportant to my SO, and as if my feelings weren't valid. So please, don't be so harsh on him.
Author kellyp1 Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 Ok, first off sparticuss, he met my parents at an NFL game where we were tailgating. Everyone was drinking beer and very relaxed. He told me after how cool my parents were and how much fun he had. He freaked himself out after that, which he admitted was for no reason and had to do that he was not ready for the high committment level he associated with meeting a girl he is dating parents. So, in this case, I can guarantee it is not my family more so the situation. But it was an NFL game that I had an extra ticket to and as I told him, he knew the family would be there beforehand and said he wanted to go. They are open to every new person I would ever bring over and have already said they liked him too. Yes Walk, it is the word and as of yet has not been the action. I want him to just say, hey I want to go out with you Friday, see you around 8 or 9 not maybe I will come over Friday. The second sounds like I should keep my plans open and hope that he makes it over. I just don't like the feeling the word creates for me which is I will stick to the plan provided nothing better comes along between now and then. I was hesitant to bring it come since we are just getting past the freaking out stage but you are right, I need to express about this in a non-hostile manner. I will see how the next week or two goes and base what I say on his specific words and actions. I know he does not intend to make me feel bad. Thanks everyone!
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