Week One of NC ... sorry, long and whiny.

[starblitz]

Hi All...

 

Its nice to find a place where one can share their problems and be in the presence of people who are going through the same emotions...

 

It has been over a week since he broke up with me (story from "He broke it off, officially" in the Breaking Up Forum) and over a week of us being in NC.

 

Although for most of the week I think I've been coping pretty well with work keeping me busy and all... but as soon as I'm not fully occupied by work, I can't help but think of him and feel the severe emptyness inside my heart. It actually does feel like real hurt, like really, something is missing from my heart. Is that normal?

 

I have a day off today, and what do I do? Check his email, and our joint bank accounts, the one thing left that we have. However, in order to do that, I needed to get access to his, and lo and behold, he's changed the password. And that felt like a straight stab through the heart.

 

I hate how everything has to change. I hate it how in our last conversation, he saidthat he wants to change cars... sell the car that we have together (that we bought at the end of year before last) to get a new (but not necessarily better) car.

 

He also bought a new pair of sunnies, after insisting for years before that he doesn't like anyother except for the one that he's had for years... even after buying several after that one.

 

I must sound really stupid, petty and pathetic... but for the period that I've been away, and we were still together, those were the memories that I held on to, the way he was. Now, everything's changed, and I have no part of it whatsoever... except to be a voice at the end of the line, listening to it while he happens (he doesn't have a camera except on his phone, doesn't like to go online to chat, doesn't believe in webcams and refuses to borrow housemate (his best friend)'s camera to at least take pictures of himself to send to me) and not knowing what to expect.

 

When we last spoke, he also promised me that he's send the occasional picture (from his phone) of my (our) cat. I still haven't received any, even since before he left for that holiday with his parents. I haven't seen my cat for almost a month now, and I miss him too.

 

I guess, despite me not wanting to believe it, that there is no chance of him wanting me back. He's moved on way before I have, and in some ways, I think he's moved on way before we 'officially' broke up. I can't help but wonder, if there is another girl he's setting his sight on, because he said that he wants to be with an 'Australian' girl (I'm not), which I think was kinda specific. I can't help but feel disgust that he's gonna share our bed, our room, our house with another girl who is not me. And because we lived in a share house, but since everybody else is now away on holidays, who is he sharing the house with, since he and my cat are the only ones left at home.

 

In a way, I am glad that he's not letting me fly there to get my stuff and settle everything (i.e. my mobile phone contract, bank accounts, my PR application that we've applied together so that I can live in Australia with him, etc...), I guess so that there are still reminders of me in our room at least but I am sad that he's willing to send it over in a whim. I don't know when will I take up his offer, but I cannot deny that I still need to go back there to settle everything.

 

I miss him. I pray everyday that he would realise that he still loves me and would come back to me... I felt like I have given up so much and fought for so many things so that we can be together, and this is all my effort, going down the drain.

 

What do I do now?

[starblitz]

Today, in my car, coming home from the mall, stuck in traffic, I was struck by the thought of messaging him. With Christmas and all, I thought I'd just wish him Merry Christmas and see how he was. Then it struck me that I really shouldn't coz I am scared that he has moved on and probably dating someone, although it is most not likely the case.

 

Y'see, I was his first ever proper girlfriend (he's not for me), however, we lost our virginity to each other. I think that's what's making it harder.

 

What I don't understand is, when he decided that he wanted to break up with me, why he doesn't want us to go on NC, saying that he loves talking to me and how we connect, but concluded that he does not want a relationship with me anymore. Can somebody please tell me the logic behind this?

 

It would be great to get some replies. I understand that my situation sounds a lot like other people's but this next week will be harder as I have to take off work (not getting leave compensation, so have to take leave) and I'll have lots of time to myself. Although I have plans to hang out with friends, its not gonna make it any easier as most of my friends have partners or are married.... so HELP!!!

[riobikini]

Look, -I'm not even going to focus this reply on your ex.

 

Right now, the problems between the two of you do not matter..but YOUR well-being through the holidays DOES matter.

 

You are going through a very hurtful and lonely time.

 

I've been where you are.

 

It's a hole where you do nothing but breathe and grieve.

 

I didn't even have the friends that you do, nor did I have the experiences or mature coping skills to help get me through it that I have now.

 

I also didn't have this forum.

 

So I'm giving you the only balm I have to help you through this:

 

You WILL survive it.

 

It's only more difficult because of the holidays.

 

You are still a very valuable and lovable person....begin by realizing that.

 

However dismal and lonely you get during this time, there is always someone worse off.

 

If you have to think that thought a hundred times just to pull through it over the next few days, -do it.

 

I can make all kinds of suggestions to you right now about how to keep your chin up and inspire you to think positively, -but you probably won't feel like doing any of them.

 

I want you to know that your relationship problems ARE SURVIVABLE and that the hurt WILL lessen and life DOES get better with the key ingredient of TIME.

 

None of us want to feel rejected, abandoned, hurt, and lonely.

 

It's just that EVERYONE goes through a similar experience at some point in our lives.

 

I was there where you were once, feeling (I'm sure) pretty much the same emotions as you feel right now....but I smiled again, loved again, and used that experience with you, just now.

 

That's all I have to give you.

 

Hope you feel just a bit better.

 

Here's a hug to get you through the holidays.....and I'll be checking back later.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[starblitz]

Thanks Rio, what you wrote is really nice, something that I needed to hear.

 

Unlike my friends here, who upon hearing what that we've broken up and started saying bad things about him, I didn't need to know that he is a bad guy. I know, despite what he has done, he is a decent guy, but I guess, in a lot of ways, we were very different people and we wanted different things out of life. In a way, I guess it is a good thing that we've broken up so that we can move on with our lives the way we wanted it to, separately.

 

Having said that though, how can you not miss the person you have had your mind set to spend the rest of your life with? Your best friend for the longest time, somebody that you've been inseparable with for the longest time... and because he wanted me to, I have tried to forget about my homeland and tried to adapt to the life in his home. It was hard readjusting back to my own life, alone.

 

But I am adjusting, in my own time. In my own ways, I can see myself moving on. But when the bouts come, it is makes things so hard! But I know I will make it. I think this is a sign that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope that the bouts will come less and less now, and I don't cry at everything that reminds me of him, which is hard... he's been here, and all the pictures I have to remind me of my wonderful memories of Australia contains him in it... but I'll try.

 

But I don't know why, I still have doubts about being on NC. How will I know that by being on NC, it would drive him further away from me and further from our chances to get back together. How do I know that this absence from each other's lives, won't make it easier for him to forget about me? I hate the fact that because of this outcome, I felt that I have wasted three years of my life...

 

However, I have to say it again, thanks Rio.

[starblitz]

And now I feel hollow and missing him again...

 

How I hate this feeling!!!

[riobikini]

That feeling is normal.

 

You will likely begin going through emotions of the withdrawal stages now.

 

The following are some I have personally experienced:

 

Some days (actually, moments) you'll want to run to him and just a few moments later, become so angry that anything lying nearby is in danger of being kicked, flung, or pounded into mush.

 

You'll still entertain thoughts of 'what could have been' accompanied with the consequent, inevitable, stabbing pain and the following anger I described.

 

You'll feel hopeful and go over what you could have done or didn't do with a fine tooth comb and focus on ridiculous things to blame yourself for, -or blame him.

 

You know him so well that you will imagine what he's doing at different times during the day, -AND painfully wonder who he's doing it with.

 

You'll run across things he bought you in your house or apartment and be reminded of him.

 

You'll secretly hope his life is nothing without you and that he's so miserable that he aches for you the way you ache for him.

 

You'll wonder whether or not to pencil his birthday in on the calendar this year.

 

You'll feel guilty for your thoughts and your decision on the last two things I wrote.

 

You'll feel strangely empty and spend way too much time thinking about him.

 

You might vow to never look at another man in your life.

 

(Smile), -and we both know that isn't exactly RATIONAL thinking.

 

You might entertain thoughts of how to make him jealous.

 

But that usually opens a can of worms that you normally wind up eating all by yourself.

 

And it's not gourmet.

 

You may torture yourself with all kinds of scenarios and with thoughts that only refresh your pain but at some point of stark self-realization you're going to conscientiously choose take back control of your life and move on out of the doldrums.

 

There IS life after a break-up.

 

And it's a good life.....full of more hope, more laughter, more happiness than you've ever experienced.

 

I know it doesn't seem possible.

 

But if you look for threads in this forum that relate to surviving the trauma of break-up, you'll come through it like gangbusters.

 

Use key words to search for them, and remember that, no matter when they were posted, they are still relative to your current pain, ongoing recovery, and future well-being.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[starblitz]

I hate being like this...

 

Why does it feel like everytime I take a step forward, I feel like I'm taking 2 steps back. Especially on a day like today...

 

I went out with friends last night, who love, adore and think the world of me. These guys treat me like gold and I feel like the top of the world.

 

Then I wake up this morning and miss him like crazy. Thinking of calling him (I know, and I'll try my best not to...) and want to know what's going on in his life and I want him to destroy me by saying that he is going out / sleeping with someone else but I know that its not good for my healing then I feel like I'm going insane and puke-y and just wanna die.

 

When will things get better? Everytime I feel like I am, I'll just feel worse the next day...

[riobikini]

Star,

 

Having to confront those feelings is a bitch, I know.

 

They kind of sneak up on you, and seize you when you least expect it.

 

Those are precisely the kinds of moments that I've often wondered if they (your ex, my ex, someone else' ex, etc.), -experience, too.

 

The answer, I believe, is entirely dependent upon whether they were truly as deeply into you as you were of them.

 

At first, approaching the developing inner truths about our relationship face-to-face, is something our mangled, leftover emotions FLEE from.

 

And as the weeks pass slowly by, we continue to still maintain an active struggle against the inevitable truth, often masking the memories produced in the relationship in more gilded detail than was ever really so.

 

We simply lie to ourselves, -it's a poison balm we use.

 

We CHOOSE the inaccurate, romantic version, over the flood of impending truth that lies just on the other side of the Big Wall Of Denial.

 

And we do it for as long as we can.

 

The length of time we choose to stay on this side of denial, only prolongs the recovery of our emotional state.

 

But it is still a natural rite of passage to do so and a process that has been proven countless times to be survivable.

 

We NEVER BELIEVE that until we EXPERIENCE it.

 

We do not accept it.

 

" It is not possible", we tell ourselves, "How can I go on without him/her? "

 

Every thought we have, either consciously or subconsciously, and even in our dreams, runs the risk of suddenly being hijacked by an unexpected, random memory.

 

They torment us, haunt us, -even when our mind's video is replaying the 'happy' times.

 

Simply because we have lived in familiar patterns constructed by a past relationship which we valued, we are naturally subject to feeling the absence of it.

 

We are left with this huge, hollow emptiness that begs to be fed with a return of emotional and physical warmth, comfort, acceptance, and assurance.

 

The longing washes over us and, at times, we are so consumed, we distrust our ability to think sane thoughts or ever be constructive again.

 

Nothing but the loss seems to matter.

 

And we focus so hard on the loss, don't we?

 

Now, the perspective I'm leading you to:

 

Those four things, -emotional and physical WARMTH, COMFORT, ACCEPTANCE, AND ASSURANCE are capable of being cultivated and given to us by OTHERS.

 

SOMEONE on this planet may not only give you THAT, -but MORE!

 

Our current perspective is one where our focus is on someone who is NOW GONE, and we, (in our loathsome misery, looking only through a unique chemically produced tunnel-vision), TRULY BELIEVE that only he/she is the ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD who possesses these characteristics and abilities and only he/she is capable of giving them to us.

 

Just think what that would mean to hope everywhere.

 

If that were true many babies would never have been born to wonderful loving parents who once thought the same thing.

 

If that were true, everyone would wonder whether they had actually been born in the right country, and at the right time that would produce their perfect mate.

 

And, although I have, at times, wondered about that myself (smile), -I don't quite buy it.

 

I'm all for RECOVERY.

 

Whatever it takes for you to get through this, -whether it's a party for weeks on end, or adding a workload that would kill a mule to keep you busy.

 

It's a process, and you will go through the steps like everyone else.

 

This is one of the areas of common ground that most human beings find themselves walking through, at one point or another.

 

It does not respect who you are.

 

It wasn't meant to kill you, -so don't even go there.

 

And I said 'T-H-R-O-U-G-H', in the third sentence above.

 

Note that.

 

Because you WILL.

 

Take care.

 

And keep posting.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[ashley83]

Rio, thank you so much!! That post made me cry. I am 1 week into NC. I have been having an especially hard time tonight, and you pinpointed just what I'm feeling. I feel like such a weirdo for sometimes feeling fine and other times (like tonight) feeling like total crap.

 

And it feels good to know I'm not alone, and I too wonder if my ex who says he still loves me so much, feels like this at times also. But it doesn't matter I guess because right now it's all about me and my recovery. But I still do wonder. *sigh*

[riobikini]

Your are more than welcome, Ashley.

 

Know that, with the release of those tears after reading my post, some of those hormones that were produced in mass during your relationship and which may still be contributing to your fluctuating moods and emotions during your breakup, -just left your body and, with time, they'll continue to disperse and then you can SMILE...and even LAUGH again!

 

(Smile)

 

Yours,

-Rio

[riobikini]

ALL:

 

" Don't know much about history,

-don't know much about geography;

But I do know that I love you,

-and if you would only love me, too,

what a wonderful world this would be.."

 

-Sam Cooke, Musician, Circa America's 50's

 

And if you notice, even Sam says it's " IF you would love me, too."

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Star:

 

Post for update.

 

-Rio