clynn Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 My boyfriend is leaving town to go home to his parents for Christmas. We made plans to get together Thursday night before he leaves on Friday. My bf called me up just a little while ago to change plans to tonight instead of tomorrow. My first reaction was to try to make it happen. To either: a) be prepared to see him without a full gift in hand (tonight was my nigh tto sort this out - so I feel stressed to see him as I'm not prepared and embarrased to admit it); OR b) rush around to make it work out (getting him something, quickly getting chores together, that sort of thing). But while trying to decide what to do and to make it work out, I began to feel irritated that he would ask me to make this change when: 1. Last night we spoke about it and decided, and he let me know he still had things to do and wanted an extra night anyhow before he went away. (Course he had the afternoon off of work and now is able to make it work). 2. If he waits an extra day, we can sleep in together before he leaves and that will basically just make for a better night. Typically I'm quite flexible and would be open to changing plans and also he typically wouldn't ask. Comments, suggestions?
monkeybars Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 did he change the plans to tonite instead of tomorrow?
curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Unless he give a great reason for needing to change plans - I would say you know I tried to rearrange my plans, but I just can't. I'm sorry dear - please let's keep it Thursday
Author clynn Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 He wants to change the plans so that he can leave town a day earlier. did he change the plans to tonite instead of tomorrow?
Author clynn Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 Unless he give a great reason for needing to change plans - I would say you know I tried to rearrange my plans, but I just can't. I'm sorry dear - please let's keep it Thursday And I like this a lot except that I hate being that vague with him, it really isn't natural for me to be that vague.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Well that one is tough. If you say no, you just can't make tonight, you run the risk of his saying he really wants to head out and then not seeing him until after the holiday. Personally I would stick to my guns and not change nights - and I am usually very accomodating - but you won't have a nice relaxing evening if you need to run around, and you'll be upset if you hand't gotten him what you had hope to. etc. However I wouldn't be all that upset if I didn't see him until after the holiday. If that is something that will completely shatter you - then you probably need to adjust.
Author clynn Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 You're right. I wouldn't be completely shattered if I didn't see him until after the holidays. Disappointed. But not shattered.
Outcast Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Seeing someone before a trip is usually important to people in relationships. If you blow him off, you'll basically tell him that whatever you feel like doing is more important than him. If that's the message you give him, don't be surprised if his feelings for you cool off, too..
Author clynn Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 Seeing someone before a trip is usually important to people in relationships. If you blow him off, you'll basically tell him that whatever you feel like doing is more important than him. If that's the message you give him, don't be surprised if his feelings for you cool off, too.. That isn't the message I'm interested in giving him. Not at all. But the point is that I'm not READY to see him tonight, I haven't got his gift all set and together, my place is a mess....etc. etc. And I understood I had an extra day for these things. So if I see him tonight it will be rushed, and I won't be ready and that sort of takes the special-ness out of the visit. And I feel as though I'm just another obligation for him to check off on his list before he leaves town. So now if I make it happen and get together with him tonight - I'm already feeling cranky and like I'm the one that is going out of my way to accommodate him - when really he just could have said yesterday that tonight would have been better.
kanga Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 My bf and I are waiting until after the holidays to exchange gifts since I'm going away but he's staying here. He said it helps to prolong the excitement of Christmas. So maybe see him tonight but not give the gifts until after. That's one less stressful item you'd have to do. But you can still spend time together before he leaves. And next year, don't wait until the day before to buy the gift.
Author clynn Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 Well, I think it is just that I've been stressed about the whole Christmas present thing anyhow. Not sure what to get, blah blah. I haven't had to get him a gift before so I'm nervous and stressed about it. Bleck. That being said - it should actually be a sort of special time of year for us because we started dating right at this time last year. So having a rushed date and squeezing it in and me having to change my plans to accommodate him just pisses me off. Unreasonable?
Outcast Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 That being said - it should actually be a sort of special time of year for us because we started dating right at this time last year. So having a rushed date and squeezing it in and me having to change my plans to accommodate him just pisses me off. Unreasonable? Yep. You're making the mistake lots of people make. You have a set of expectations about how you think the evening 'should' go and how you want it to go and are upset that your plans won't go through. However there are two of you, and you both have expectations, plans, and hopes. Therefore to think that only your expectations ought to be met is unreasonable. Far better to loose your grip on the 'shoulds' and go with the flow. So if I see him tonight it will be rushed, and I won't be ready and that sort of takes the special-ness out of the visit. If you'd spend time actually getting ready instead of whining about how 'rushed' it will be, you'd be ready. And I feel as though I'm just another obligation for him to check off on his list before he leaves town. I see. Of course, you have no verification that this is what he thinks. You are assuming this with nothing to back it up. That's unfair. You are not a mind-reader. You're projecting your fantasies onto him and then getting mad at him for something he's probably not thinking at all. So now if I make it happen and get together with him tonight - I'm already feeling cranky and like I'm the one that is going out of my way to accommodate him - when really he just could have said yesterday that tonight would have been better. Nice to have a scorecard like that. Check one for you for being so 'accommodating' . Minus one for him for having the temerity to think maybe he should leave a day earlier and spend more time with his family even if it means he has to rush to see you. How dare he! You're in a snit because it's not going according to your plan. Let go of your desire to control the situation and be adaptable. It's a very useful characteristic in all sorts of situations.
curiousnycgirl Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 How come he's allowed a score card and she's not? He's allowed to misinterpret her not being able to see him a day early as being not that into him, but she's not allowed to perceive herself as one last obligation to check off his list? See this is why I don't play any of these mind games - I'm just no good at them! I would simply tell him that I am not ready to see him, my place is a mess, etc and had planned to get myself ready tonight. I would further tell him that as much as I REALLY want to see him, I am cranky and will not be putting my best foot forward - so if he really wants to head out a day early - can we set a FIRM date upon his return. That's what I would do
Author clynn Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 Well, we got together last night and had a good night. I still feel pretty peeved about the whole thing.
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Well, we got together last night and had a good night. I still feel pretty peeved about the whole thing. Let it go. You had a good night together and holding onto anger or still being peeved at him serves NO purpose, and it will only make you feel worse.
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