Ndee Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 My bf and I are long distance and we're supposed to meet in 3 months We've been childhood friends for the last 17 years and we've been dating for over a year. He's been really really really amazing to me. He's loving, sweet, understanding, honest and patient with me The only issue I have is me feeling like he doesn't make time for me. Like I get its unreasonable cause when he has time he always makes time for me. But when something unexpected comes up, and he has to leave I just get so sad and mad... I KNOW I'm being unfair and I need to understand why. Because I do understand it's beyond his control. I suppose one reason is because we have days that we know for sure are days we're free, like the weekends and I wakeup at 5:00 am (we have an 8 hour time diff) cause I have more time with him that way, but then when something comes up on his end like a sibling asking for help or just really minor stuff, I get so mad. I used to sound mad on text and calls for a while but I felt it unfair so now I've started not talking to him at all? Like I just say "I was asleep. I missed your text" or whatever. I try to not be mean to him and also in a roundabout way make him miss me as much as I miss him, but I know that's really wrong. I don't know how to address this issue without sounding like a needy little cry baby Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 What was your childhood like? I’m asking because to me this sounds like abandonment issues. You’re reacting at a “10” level to something that’s a 2 infraction because you’re very afraid that he’s going to leave you. As you’ve correctly assessed, your behavior can push him away. Abandonment issues often become self-fulfilling prophecies. You have to remember that he’s not responsible for your emotional well-being. The best thing to do is be really honest with him. Let him know you sometimes get irrationally triggered, and that it’s a you problem and not a him problem and something you’re trying to work on. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ndee Posted March 18 Author Share Posted March 18 Just now, Weezy1973 said: What was your childhood like? I’m asking because to me this sounds like abandonment issues. You’re reacting at a “10” level to something that’s a 2 infraction because you’re very afraid that he’s going to leave you. As you’ve correctly assessed, your behavior can push him away. Abandonment issues often become self-fulfilling prophecies. You have to remember that he’s not responsible for your emotional well-being. The best thing to do is be really honest with him. Let him know you sometimes get irrationally triggered, and that it’s a you problem and not a him problem and something you’re trying to work on. Would you believe my childhood was actually really great with a really tight -knit family? A dad who was always in my corner, a mom who showed tough love but nonetheless loved me a lot and a brother who always had my best interest at heart? 😅 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 You don't address it with him. It's not his problem. It's yours. He can't drop his life & focus solely on you. That is not realistic. It would be easier if you two weren't long distance because then you could also help run the errands for the siblings or physically be with him when he's done. That is what you are really mad about. Not being able to hug & kiss him, not feeling his arms around you is frustrating. You can share how you feel with him but don't make it his fault. You get to close the distance in 3 months. Focus on that. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 If you have an eight hour time difference it's not like he can just drop everything and come to you right away. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 How often do you see each other? How old is he? Why is it long distance? How did you know each other in childhood? Did his or your family move away? Are you in different countries? What is your plan? Even if you meet in 3 months, what is your plan after that? Unfortunately you seem bored lonely and frustrated with this distance situation and not at all cut out for it. LDR are extremely challenging and usually temporary with some endpoint if there is a chance it will work. If you just enjoy the concept of "having a BF", but have no viable plans to be in person together, please rethink why you're doing this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 2 hours ago, Ndee said: I suppose one reason is because we have days that we know for sure are days we're free, like the weekends and I wakeup at 5:00 am (we have an 8 hour time diff) cause I have more time with him that way, So the impression I get is that you are expecting him to stay online with you all day long on the weekends because he is off work? And you're angry when he does not? Is this correct? 2 hours ago, Ndee said: but then when something comes up on his end like a sibling asking for help or just really minor stuff, I get so mad. If I have this right - you really, really need to get a hold on yourself. Just because someone is in a long distance relationship does NOT mean that they need to remain in a tethered situation for hours and hours just because they are not at their job. Have you ever had a boyfriend that was NOT long distance? I assure you that in relationships happening in "real life," the people are not just spending hours and hours in the same space just "being together." People in relationships still have other things going on in their lives - friendships, family things, hobbies, their own friends. Even if the couple lives together, they often will be doing different things while at home - for example, somebody might be reading a book while the other person is mowing the lawn. The idea that people are just TOGETHER existing as a unit for hours / days on end is not realistic. It's nothing to get mad about if your long distance boyfriend has things he'd like to be doing in his time off from work other than texting or facetiming with you 24/7. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 (edited) 10 hours ago, Ndee said: My bf and I are long distance and we're supposed to meet in 3 months We've been childhood friends for the last 17 years and we've been dating for over a year. He's been really really really amazing to me. He's loving, sweet, understanding, honest and patient with me The only issue I have is me feeling like he doesn't make time for me. Like I get its unreasonable cause when he has time he always makes time for me. But when something unexpected comes up, and he has to leave I just get so sad and mad... I KNOW I'm being unfair and I need to understand why. Because I do understand it's beyond his control. I suppose one reason is because we have days that we know for sure are days we're free, like the weekends and I wakeup at 5:00 am (we have an 8 hour time diff) cause I have more time with him that way, but then when something comes up on his end like a sibling asking for help or just really minor stuff, I get so mad. I used to sound mad on text and calls for a while but I felt it unfair so now I've started not talking to him at all? Like I just say "I was asleep. I missed your text" or whatever. I try to not be mean to him and also in a roundabout way make him miss me as much as I miss him, but I know that's really wrong. I don't know how to address this issue without sounding like a needy little cry baby It sounds to me that you are an anxious attacher. I understand your feelings, but you need to do some work on yourself. The reasons why you’re feeling like this are entirely your own: your insecurity and your fear of abandonment. Deep down, you are scared that your boyfriend doesn’t love you as much as you love him. This causes you to see symptoms of that every time his attention is not on you. You have to realize that your fears are irrational. Please don’t be cold and detached with your boyfriend, he’s done nothing wrong. Trying to get him to “miss you more” through that is manipulative and unhealthy. There is no competition in love. Being like that is not the opposite of a “little cry baby”. The opposite of a cry baby would be a loving, emotional, warm, understanding person who doesn’t get mad because her SO had to spend some time with a sibling. Edited March 19 by Gebidozo Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 It seems pretty obvious that this relationship is not sustainanble, given the distance and time difference. I think you are aware of this on some level but aren't really ready to admit to yourself yet. So, you take your frustration out on him. It is time you talk about the real feasibility of continuing the relationship. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 I understand the frustration - I get upset too when I make plans and someone cancels our plans. I think that’s a reasonable feeling. I think the inherent problem here may be related to your expectations and the inherent difficult of a long distance relationship. How much time are you expecting that he spend with you? I ask because few people are going to turn down an opportunity to spend time with someone/do something in person to stay and chat with another long distance. Life happens in real time and in person - I tend to agree that this is likely not sustainable, if you don’t have a plan to bring things together soon you should really think about whether this is meeting your needs or not. Some relationships are just not meant to be because it’s just not the right time or there are other factors at play that make it too difficult. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 29 Share Posted March 29 On 3/18/2024 at 3:42 PM, Ndee said: The only issue I have is me feeling like he doesn't make time for me. Like I get its unreasonable cause when he has time he always makes time for me. But when something unexpected comes up, and he has to leave I just get so sad and mad... I KNOW I'm being unfair and I need to understand why. Hi, all the above sounds familiar to me. Do you wake up at 5am because it's night for him (like 9pm?) and you can talk to him before he goes to bed and before you go to work? I have a 6-hour difference, and I know what it feels like. At a certain point, it felt like I was always the one going out of my way in order to spend some time with him. Not because he didn't want to be with me, but simply because it got into that bad habit where he was sort of taking advantage, thinking it was no big deal for me. But I wanted him to reciprocate and so we talked. Then, later into the relationship, it happened to be in my time zone, and he realized how hard it was to wait until the afternoon to get in touch, at times late afternoon. And how the day was looong. In short: he needs to go out of his way too for it to work. I don't think you're being unreasonable. It just feels unbalanced otherwise. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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