Craig Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Jen, I understand what you are going through. It isn't easy. What's happening right now is that you are losing yourself, you are losing you life to the abuser. Eventually, if you stay in an abusive relationship you become just the shell of the person you once were. Getting out now may be difficult but it will be infinitely harder the longer you wait. People are remarkable creatures and can get used to anything. When you get used to something (even abuse) you tend to view it as normal, I don't want that to happen to you. You might want to contact your local domestic violence (dv) center and get some ideas about what you can do and how you can protect yourself should the need arise. Call their office, not the hotline and ask to speak with a counselor or an advocate. They have a lot of experience handling situations just like yours, believe me they've heard your story before from people just like you. You have questions and they can answer them. Maybe you're not really sure if you're being abused or you might feel that somehow it is your fault that your bf abuses you. It isn't your fault, there is no excuse for abuse. Think about your safety and be ready to call 911 if he raises a hand to you or causes you to fear for your safety or for the safety of others. Think about a safety plan (the dv center can help you with this), if you need to leave suddenly where will you go, do you have important papers hidden in a safe place, what about money, how will you survive, how will you get your stuff back, what if he stalks you and etc. The dv center advocate or counsellor will have all this information for you. Here are some links that may provide you with some additional information and ideas on what you can do and how to get through this time in your life. http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/cycle.htm http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html http://groups.msn.com/INTIMATEMURDERAREYOUNEXT/introductiontointimatemurderareyounext.msnw Best wishes to you Jen and keep posting we are here for you. 1
Becoming Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Think about your safety and be ready to call 911 if he raises a hand to you or causes you to fear for your safety or for the safety of others. Think about a safety plan (the domestic violence center can help you with this), if you need to leave suddenly where will you go, do you have important papers hidden in a safe place, what about money, how will you survive, how will you get your stuff back, what if he stalks you and etc. The dv center advocate or counsellor will have all this information for you.[/QUOTE] Jennybunny, you know deep down what you need to do, don't you? You need to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. The abuse will only get worse, and if you stay, you're basically saying it's ok to hit you. But you know it's not ok. You can sit here and say it's only drugs talking, but even so, here is a person who doesn't take responsibility for doing good things. Call a domestic violence center today and talk to someone there. Start making a plan, being careful to keep it secret. If he finds out you're in the process of leaving, you may be in danger. Get help from friends who'll let you stay with them for awhile if you need to, who'll lend you money for rent deposit. Whatever. There are people who will help you--the domestic violence folks have been there and understand where you are right now and how hard it is to leave. Folks here in this forum know what you're going through. Listen to them, to yourself. LEAVE!
Becoming Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Has anyone else out there been beaten and stayed with your boyfriend? Notice that no one has answered this affirmatively. Too many of them are dead and can't. Don't let this be you. 1
Art_Critic Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Notice that no one has answered this affirmatively. Too many of them are dead and can't. Don't let this be you. When this thread started I wrote this same thing out and didn't hit submit.. for fear of sounding harsh... The OP uses that word beatings.. not abuse and beatings lead to death...So I agree with Becoming totally
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 the choice is clear but if she decides to stay in the relationship then she should not complain about what happens to her. we all make our choices of our own free will. If the OP decides to stay in the relationship then she does so at her own risk. In other words, take responsiblity for your decisions. this is outrageous! there are many psychological hooks in abusive relationships. every situation looks easy from the outside doesn't it?
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 You deserve better Whether she deserves it or not isn't the question because she's willing to tolerate it. And she's willing to live with it because she enjoys the drama of the abuse as much as she abhors the actual abuse itself. Abuse is never as simple as 'he beats and she gets beat.' There's a cycle of buildup with the abuse as the crescendo and the makeup as the decrescendo. All through it there is the drama: Of getting beaten; of reuniting; of even telling people and gauging their reactions. Explaining away the abuse is not only a sign of victimization and keeping him around; it's also her way of acting it out as an actress would with a monologue. clearly you have never had experience of being in such a relationship.
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 jennybunny, you do need to get out of this relationship. you are stressed already. you can have compassion or love for somebody, but that does not mean that you should put up with this treatment. this treatment of you is not acceptable. it is also dangerous. it can be very scary to walk away. rationalising behaviour can be a way of avoiding dealing with the situation, and dealing with it is admitting it completely, which can be scary. do you have anybody in rl, who you can talk to who would be supportive? can you just walk away now, without any professional help with this? what are your feelins on the matter?
witabix Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Jennybunny you need to leave him. As has been said above NOW. NOW. NOW. I do know of a couple in an abusive relationship who have stayed together. The man beats his wife, verbally abuses his daughter, he has struck his sister-in-law, even the wife of one of his employees. But is a perfect gentleman in public. The sister-in-law is an ex of mine. I had no idea this was going on. When I was around he was convivial and smiling the whole time. He has a mistress he keeps in another town. He always insists on paying for all the drinks and food when he is out, a form of domination. To the point where I had to loudly insist on paying for a round. He is a monster, jekyll and hyde, a totally horrible human being. Their lives from the outside are perfect. Big house, new latest model expensive cars, horses and massive house. But inside that charade is total unhappiness, black despair. DO NOT STAY WITH HIM, FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER, NOT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE. Make sure you are safe, call the police if needed. Where are your brothers? Your father? Cousins? DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIS BEHAVIOR. IrishAmerican is right, men who abuse women are COWARDS.
basscatcher Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Jen, I understand what you are going through. It isn't easy. What's happening right now is that you are losing yourself, you are losing you life to the abuser. Eventually, if you stay in an abusive relationship you become just the shell of the person you once were. Getting out now may be difficult but it will be infinitely harder the longer you wait. People are remarkable creatures and can get used to anything. When you get used to something (even abuse) you tend to view it as normal, I don't want that to happen to you. You might want to contact your local domestic violence (dv) center and get some ideas about what you can do and how you can protect yourself should the need arise. Call their office, not the hotline and ask to speak with a counselor or an advocate. They have a lot of experience handling situations just like yours, believe me they've heard your story before from people just like you. You have questions and they can answer them. Maybe you're not really sure if you're being abused or you might feel that somehow it is your fault that your bf abuses you. It isn't your fault, there is no excuse for abuse. Think about your safety and be ready to call 911 if he raises a hand to you or causes you to fear for your safety or for the safety of others. Think about a safety plan (the dv center can help you with this), if you need to leave suddenly where will you go, do you have important papers hidden in a safe place, what about money, how will you survive, how will you get your stuff back, what if he stalks you and etc. The dv center advocate or counsellor will have all this information for you. Here are some links that may provide you with some additional information and ideas on what you can do and how to get through this time in your life. http://www.edvp.org/AboutDV/cycle.htm http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html http://groups.msn.com/INTIMATEMURDERAREYOUNEXT/introductiontointimatemurderareyounext.msnw Best wishes to you Jen and keep posting we are here for you. EXCELLANT POST CRAIG.. You are right about everything you said.. I know this first hand. It is a hard cycle to break once 'you' allow yourself to be subjected to it and stay in it.
Becoming Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Just checking in Jennybunny, as no doubt everyone else is, too, to see about you. Please let us know how you are when you can. Prayers for your strength and courage and peace.
whichwayisup Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and in the last 2 months he has beaten me 3 different times. I still think I'm in love, but not sure anymore... I'm so stressed... I don't know if I should leave him...and not sure I want to. Has anyone else out there been beaten and stayed with your boyfriend? Even if he is "nice" to you, just know that isn't going to last long. I DO hope soon you will find some support, from family and friends - To gain the strength to GET OUT of this situation. He is an abuser and hurting you. People who abuse others like that DO NOT express love in a healthy way. HE has issues, none to do with you. He needs help and has to stop abusing. If he is doing drugs, that will only make things worse. Please, talk to your family, ask them for help so you can leave him. I know you think you still love him, you may love how he makes you feel when he's being nice, but that isn't enough to stay in this unhealthy relationship. You deserve better!
Sevenmack Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 clearly you have never had experience of being in such a relationship. Apparently you should read one of the other threads; my mother went through a series of abusive relationships. So have other members of my family. Oh and then there is the research of folks who actually work in domestic violence such as Linda Mills at New York University, who not only knows about domestic violence as a social worker and lawyer, but as someone who came out of an abusive relationship. Or social workers who actually deal with both men and women and note the gray areas that are involved in domestic abuse. The simplistic would like to believe that abuse is all about 'he hits and she gets hit.' Sorry but this, like most of life, is far more complex. As Mills noted herself, simplistic thinking often underestimates how the abused get themselves into such situations and repeat the patterns over and over. The ultimate argument I'm making isn't about whether the abuse is wrong. It is. Adults shouldn't hit other adults in personal relationships period. But as we've accepted long ago that adultery is the result of two people, so is abuse. And for abuse to end, the abused not only needs to get away from the abuser, they need to work on the underlying issues and choices that have led them into abusive relationships and will lead them back into similar relationships. Jennybunny needs to get out; she and her child will suffer damage beyond imagination if she doesn't. But it takes more than just leaving an abuser. Jenny has some real issues, issues that help set the patterns that have led to her abusive situation. Because no one just lands into abusive relationships; it results from decisions, both rational and otherwise, that lead to some cowardly man (or woman) pummelling another emotionally, physically or both. While Jenny can't help what he does, she isn't powerless over how she reacts to the situation or over making decisions to get out of this relationship and staying out of other abusive relationships. Just telling her to leave isn't enough. She must learn the lessons, both about the men she chooses and herself. If she doesn't, all she'll do is endanger her child and herself again, but under a different guise. Confronting this reality, along with getting out of the relationship and putting the guy in prison where he belongs, is crucial to her own recovery in the long run. Believing otherwise is ridiculous. Sorry if I've struck a nerve with some folks. But don't be so simplistic. This is real life: Messy, complex, difficult. And ultimately the sum of our choices as well as those of others.
Author jennybunny Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 Hey everyone! I have officially dumped my idiot and am starting a new life. I thank everyone for your support! Have no fear...I've burned my bridges and am moving on...
Gold Pile Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Dump him now!I've known a couple of women who invested years in guys like this. It will end, don't waste years. Cold turkey, now. If he sees this coming or if he manages to stay a part of your life, he will isolate you from your friends and family, he will get you pregnant. Then your stuck dealing with him 4ever.
Art_Critic Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Hey everyone! I have officially dumped my idiot and am starting a new life. I thank everyone for your support! Have no fear...I've burned my bridges and am moving on... Great.. way to go...
whichwayisup Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Hey everyone! I have officially dumped my idiot and am starting a new life. I thank everyone for your support! Have no fear...I've burned my bridges and am moving on... That is great! Please, now whatever you do - DO NOT allow him to convince you to take him back. He's part of your past now. Remember, you are worthy of someone who will LOVE and respect you!
Craig Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Hey everyone! I have officially dumped my idiot and am starting a new life. I thank everyone for your support! Have no fear...I've burned my bridges and am moving on...Wonderful!!! :bunny: We're here if you need support in the future...best wishes and never look back Jen, you did the right thing.
Becoming Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Hey everyone! I have officially dumped my idiot and am starting a new life. I thank everyone for your support! Have no fear...I've burned my bridges and am moving on... :bunny: YEAH! HOORAY! GOOD FOR JENNYBUNNY! :bunny: Now the hard part will be no contact. Cut him out of your life for good. Don't worry about closure and all that nonsense. You can't get it with him. You can only get it with you by working on what SevenMack says, which is true. There's something about us that chooses to be with an abuser that you need to attend to. You got out when you saw what was happening. You've already chosen life over death and destruction. So keep choosing the good life for yourself because no matter what others have told you throughout your life, you're worth it. As the saying goes, God doesn't make junk.
witabix Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: thats ten out of :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: :bunny: 10! Way to go.
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