jennybunny Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and in the last 2 months he has beaten me 3 different times. I still think I'm in love, but not sure anymore... I'm so stressed... I don't know if I should leave him...and not sure I want to. Has anyone else out there been beaten and stayed with your boyfriend? 1
slubberdegullion Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 This isn't even a close call. If you feelings are telling you that you still may be in love with him, they're lying. Get out. Now. Not next week, not when you're "ready," not tomorrow. Right now. Turn of the comp and go. 1
Art_Critic Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Has anyone else out there been beaten and stayed with your boyfriend? Get out while you can I'm with slub on this one
Author jennybunny Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 I'm so torn... don't know... I think I love him, but then I don't know. I am suspicious he might be using drugs.
slubberdegullion Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Look, jennybunny, here's a good way to understand what your feelings are telling you: Get out. T O D A Y. Right now. Once you have some time away from the situation, re-examine your feelings in context of the relationship and go from there. But in the meantime, you're drowning. We're not going to tell you how to swim. We're going to tell you to get out before you go under. Once you're safe, "high and dry" so to speak, THEN we'll help you to learn to swim. All that's in the future, however. You need to leave immediately. And I DO mean IMMEDIATELY. Before the hour is up.
Author jennybunny Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 Oh crap... my boyfriend just came in! brb
SmoochieFace Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Quit wasting time. If he's using drugs and being abusive towards you ask yourself what is there to love about your BF? Get out before the abuse escalates... and it will.
basscatcher Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I suggest you seek out a Rape and Abuse Center and speak to a Advocate.. I recently had a judge lecture me and stared me straight in the face and tell me that I am a battered woman!! Even though I have never been hit with fists.. That was a shock to me.. You need to seek understanding, knowledge, and possitive support in this situation. It's apparent to me you know what has happened to you is wrong. Don't make excuses for him, don't make excuses for yourself.. You don't want to end up years and years and years and years later, so much time wasted, your older and your out of the prime of your life before you deciede to leave this guy. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you waste your time on dreams and fear of being alone, lonely and unwanted.. Believe me the dispair of ending a bad relationship isnt as bad as living in it for years and years. Constantly making up lies to your family and friends about him. Trying to convince everyonoe how great of a guy he is because you are embarrassed to admit he is abusive.. You will live your life in a miserable black hole.. I know this first hand....... Please seek out support from an Advocate at a center. There are even hotlines you can call to just talk in confidence if you aren't comfortable meeting someone face to face and its free. We have a organization called Cornerstone here. I think it is all over the country. There is another agency here called Chrysalis. Please find someone to talk to about what you are starting to live. Don't become a repeated victim of promises that will never be kept. It is so easy to believe a abuser will stop when he is crying, apoligizing, making promises, and kissing your A$$ for days and even weeks on end. Sometimes it can go months before he has another abusive attack. He needs help too. I feel very strongly about your situation.. Please don't lie to yourself and cover up the truth to yourself of what you are experiencing. IT IS PLAIN AND SIMPLE.. THE MAN IS ABUSING YOU AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT.... NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE SAID OR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE WRONG; NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO PLACE A HAND ON YOU IN ANY KIND OF AGGRESSIVE MANNER... .... NO ONE.... Some physical abuse is a: shove hit kick punch push pull shake grab kick poke pinning dragging Some verbal abuse is: slander threats defamation of character manipulation black mail name calling ultimatims degrading words racist names There are many more but this is a good start. If you keep forgiving this man for his outbursts and lack of self control you are only reinforcing his right to do it again.. "In his mind he thinks you will always forgive him and you will always be there." he WILL take advantage of it and it could get worse.. My heart goes out to you... 1
Freyja Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I have to agree with the rest of the people here, you must leave this guy, for your own sake! I can understand you feel like you love him and it may be that he's using drugs etc, I think you're trying to find excuses to justify he's sick behaviour towards you. No honey, don't do this. He has a problem, with drugs or whatever, it still doesn't allow him to beat you. Besides would you really want to be with someone who has once beated you? How do you know he won't do it again? Please leave him, it's for your own good. By the wsy if you really want to help him, get him in touch with some drug addict help group or something, but do this after you've broken your relationship with him. I'm assuming you live with him, please move out first. Help yourself first, then maybe you can help him as a friend. Either way, I think this is where you draw the line, you can't be with someone who abuses you. I hope you do the right thing, good luck. 1
Author jennybunny Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 My boyfriend just left... ugh... I think I am going to ditch him. He was actually nice today though.
basscatcher Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 My boyfriend just left... ugh... I think I am going to ditch him. He was actually nice today though. You see here. You are already starting to show the signs of a abused woman. You are trying to justify him now. In the second sentence you say your going to ditch him. Then the next sentence you are making an excuse for him... Stop yourself right now. You are heading down the wrong road JennyBunny..... Stop making excuses for him. Open up your eyes to the whole picture and not the "here and now" "at this moment" look. Don't focus on what is present in front of your nose. Open your eyes to the big picture. Don't close yourself off to the whole realm. You need to focus. You need to pay attention to the cover ups you are starting for him. You need to realize the excuses you are making up for him.. You just showed your inconsistant thoughts in your post.. You are already conditioning yourself to lie, make up excuses and find ways to stay with him.. You are heading down a road of long term abuse if you don't stop yourself right now... Gawd---I KNOW WHAT I SEE AND WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT... Any woman who has been abused and has survived an escape and gotten help can see what you are doing and where you are headed... STOP YOURSELF NOW... get away from him... seek out a advocate who can guide you and help you... you need some education on this matter.. you also need to know your resources you have available to you should you have to go to a shelter or into protective custody. If he is abusive you never know what he could resort too..
Outcast Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 jenny - you're allowed to love him. Abusers are not 100% horrible. They do have good characteristics. HOWEVER what they don't have is the ability to stop what they're doing. They may want to stop. They may promise to stop. But they cannot. The anger isn't about you - it comes from problems deep inside that can't be fixed. The drugs or booze allow the anger out, but once he gets used to beating you up, he'll do it even when he's not on drugs. There is a cycle of abuse. Abuser hurts you. Then is extra nice. Apologizes. Maybe cries. Give you flowers. Breaks your heart with his sincerity. So you believe him. Then he beats you again. He badly wanted to stop but his 'stop' function in the brain doesn't work. So what I am saying is that despite all his pleas, niceness, and everything else, you MUST leave him for your own safety. Put him in God's hands and ask God to take care of him for you because what's wrong with him is nothing you can ever fix. You can still love him with sadness from a distance but living with him or staying his gf will not help him and will most likely end up with you seriously harmed or dead. It's very sad but abusers are not well and not easily repaired.
Freyja Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 My boyfriend just left... ugh... I think I am going to ditch him. He was actually nice today though. Ditch him Jenny. You deserve better. Please don't make yourself suffer by thinking about this too much, it'll just get worse. You know he's crossed the line, you need to look out for yourself and run as fast as you can. I agree with Padamekla, you should seek help from a counsellor. I really hope you make the right decisions.
JS17 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 maybe if you say it three times it will sink into her head pada jk You see here. You are already starting to show the signs of a abused woman. You are trying to justify him now. In the second sentence you say your going to ditch him. Then the next sentence you are making an excuse for him... That's the first thing that my MSW said to me after I broke up with my ex and started to let out what terrible things he would call me or say to me. She told me I was showing signs of an abused woman at which point I yelled at her that he was not abusive. Then I broke down from relief that someone actually understood what I was going through. I was constantly making excuses for him and keeping all of the things he said a secret. I wish I had the foresight, the intelligence, and the backbone to leave him back then. Luckily he found his next victim and left me. I always said that I would never be in an abusive relationship. It's easier to see physical abuse than emotional abuse. The choice here is clear. Padameckla is right. Stop making excuses and leave. 1
Outcast Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Until you've been in such a situation and read up on the dynamics of it, you don't understand. You make excuses because you think this is aberrant behaviour on the part of an otherwise nice person (after all - he's been fine for 4 months) and that because it's an aberration, it will go away. It's not until you understand why people abuse that you begin to comprehend that you can't do a thing about fixing this and that the abuser is pretty much powerless to do the same without years of intensive therapy. So I don't think it's helpful to tell jen to 'quit making excuses' but rather to help her understand that this seemingly good guy has a serious problem that nothing will fix and that will in all likelihood result in serious damage to her. 1
JS17 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 So I don't think it's helpful to tell jen to 'quit making excuses' but rather to help her understand that this seemingly good guy has a serious problem that nothing will fix and that will in all likelihood result in serious damage to her. Actually, people telling me to stop making excuses was one of the few things that helped me. I started to realize that it wasn't my behavior that caused the abuse but the abused that caused my behavior. It wasn't my fault and it's not hers either. By us telling her that she is making excuses for him maybe she will see that she is doing just that, making an excuse for a bad person.
alphamale Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I always said that I would never be in an abusive relationship. It's easier to see physical abuse than emotional abuse. The choice here is clear. Padameckla is right. Stop making excuses and leave. the choice is clear but if she decides to stay in the relationship then she should not complain about what happens to her. we all make our choices of our own free will. If the OP decides to stay in the relationship then she does so at her own risk. In other words, take responsiblity for your decisions. 2
basscatcher Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 In a couple diffreent relationships I have been in. It took my girlfriend to get tough on me. She took the risk of losing our friendship to get in my face and tell me to wake up and stop making excuses. She was vey hard on me. I was irratated with her and mad. But after time I realized she was right... She was there for me and gave me the support I needed 24/7 to get out. I feel very very strongly about this. I have seriously been considering becoming a advocate myself at a center for domestic abuse. I have many experiences in my life regarding abuse. Starting when I was a child with my own father. I can look back and see the pattern; the cycle that was in motion. I learned in my late 20's just what it was and what I needed to do. I needed to confirm all this myself so I started to read lots of books and I read some Psychology on it all too. I become very passionate about issues like this. I wish I could save the world.... but I can't
Lonely nice guy Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 This is something I have never understood. Why a man would hit a woman, and why the woman stays. I know psychologists can explain what is going on. There are laws against it, yet it still happens. The longer you stay, the more miserable you'll be. Get out now while it is easier. If you think he'll change, he might, But really, look what he changed into! It could get worse, and your life could be threatened. Get out of this abusive relationship. Seek help, there are woman's advocacy groups. Get out while it's easier. Get out while you are thinking about it, which is now. You deserve better, he deserves to go to jail.
LN8840K Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Wow, my heart goes out to you Jenny ...it seems the world has been cruel to you ..... you're a victim of a cruel world and you have recieved the worst life has to offer ............... my heart cries for you ........ untill next time, I eagerly await your next post " now i'm pregnant and my boyfriend still beats me, what should I do " xoxoxox LN
basscatcher Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 " now i'm pregnant and my boyfriend still beats me, what should I do " xoxoxox LN You can get out too. EVEN being pregnant.. There are many support systems out there for single parents. I have used them myself.. You could also lose your child for staying with an abusive man. It is an unhealthy enviroment for a child so DHS (Department of Human Services) could take your child away also for staying.. You have some options as a single parent also that you dont when you are without children and are married. Like financial help for college.... Housing, medical... You also don't need to stay just because you are pregnant... I have a girlfriend who has a handicapped child and she survived on her own. She has two children and the healthy one can be a tyrant. She has her hands full but its better then her being beaten out of the blue.
Outcast Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 This is something I have never understood. Why a man would hit a woman, and why the woman stays. I know psychologists can explain what is going on. There are laws against it, yet it still happens. The longer you stay, the more miserable you'll be the choice is clear but if she decides to stay in the relationship then she should not complain about what happens to her. we all make our choices of our own free will. If the OP decides to stay in the relationship then she does so at her own risk. So cut and dried. So simplistic. So totally uncomprehending. People do not operate by logic when emotions are involved. Neither of you do. Nor do I. And situations like this are very confusing. So let's not judge until you've walked that road yourselves, ok?
Sevenmack Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 You deserve better Whether she deserves it or not isn't the question because she's willing to tolerate it. And she's willing to live with it because she enjoys the drama of the abuse as much as she abhors the actual abuse itself. Abuse is never as simple as 'he beats and she gets beat.' There's a cycle of buildup with the abuse as the crescendo and the makeup as the decrescendo. All through it there is the drama: Of getting beaten; of reuniting; of even telling people and gauging their reactions. Explaining away the abuse is not only a sign of victimization and keeping him around; it's also her way of acting it out as an actress would with a monologue. Even if she leaves, she may not want the relationship -- and the accompanying abuse -- to end. Or if the relationship ends, she seeks it out in another relationship, either with another abuser or with someone she can abuse in turn; after all, those who abuse often become abusers in turn. For the abused and for the abuser, all this is filling holes in their character and their own psyche. Leaving him can help start the process, but she has to work on the flaws that lead her to such abuse in the first place. She must also take responsibility for the choices that led to her predicament or else she'll just repeat the same patterns.
IRISHAMERICAN Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Any Man That Beats On A Woman Is A Punk Not A Man A Coward 1
Outcast Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 And she's willing to live with it because she enjoys the drama of the abuse as much as she abhors the actual abuse itself. This is complete, utter, unadulterated BULLs***. You haven't the faintest clue about what you're talking about. Posts like this that demonize victims shouldn't be allowed on this board. jen - do not listen to this idiocy. Unfortunately, people who know nothing about such matters seem to think they have a right to talk through their asses.
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