JS17 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 My friend came to me today because a really nice guy she has been seeing for about a month ended things with her. She had a boyfriend of 3 years and ended up having an affair at the end, the ultimate demise of the relationship this summer. (I actually posted about this a while back) She told the new guy about what had happened. He told her that he had been cheated on in the past and didn't think he would be able to get past what she did. She was floored that he would take his anger at his ex out on her. At the end of the day, he just didn't think it was worth it. She's upset, she's my friend so I have to support her even though she knows how I feel about her affair and how devastating it has been for me to be cheated on in my last two relationships (even though the last one was a short relationship). In the back of my head I thought good for him I would do the same thing. What I ended up telling her was this... "I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out. I think that when it comes down to it relationships are simply how well we are able to handle each other's issues. Often we learn from our past and allow the balance of fear and experience to drive us instead of faith. He has trust issues and it's not that you're not worth it, to him it's not worth taking the chance of going through that experience again. Being cheated on once is devastating, being cheated on twice is detrimental. I'm sure he was very sad and disappointed. It seemed like he really liked you. Seeing as you don't feel that you should have trusted him it seems that it's for the best that things ended sooner rather than later." I don't want to see my friend upset, she's basically a good person, and I feel bad for being so judgemental but as awful as it sounds, I feel like she got what she deserves. I don't think its fair that cheaters get away with it and find lives full of love and happiness while the rest of us who have been cheated on end up with trust issues leading into problems being in a relationship. Why should we have to close the doors when they are the ones with the problem?
JayKay Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 It's a harsh bit of reality when cheaters learn that other people may judge them based on past behaviors. But really, when you look at it, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If she felt justified in cheating in one relationship, what's to stop her from justifying it in the future? Now if she had told this guy that she realized the behavior was wrong and felt remorseful, he might have judged her differently. If seemed blithe and unaffected by her own behavior, perhaps he felt (and perhaps rightly so!) that she is not mature enough for the type of relationship she is seeking. Nobody wants to be judged unfairly, but a person who barely knows us as to make a judgement call based on the information we give them. Obviously, this guy was badly burnt by a cheater. He has every right to not want to date her, just as I have a right not to date someone who recently stole a car. They may not PLAN to ever steal a car again, but the fact that they could rationalize it ONCE tells me 'this person doesn't have the kind of value system I respect'
tanbark813 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 First off, that guy who turned your friend down is my hero for today. Secondly, this: I don't think its fair that cheaters get away with it and find lives full of love and happiness while the rest of us who have been cheated on end up with trust issues leading into problems being in a relationship. ...I don't think is accurate. I sincerely doubt--and I don't think it's just wishful thinking--that cheaters go on to find lives full of love and happiness. I would imagine they are more likely to find themselves in an endless string of broken relationships. Yeah, it sucks that the cheated-on deveop trust issues but the cheaters have issues of their own. If they didn't, they wouldn't be cheating in the first place. 1
seachange Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Sadly, lots of times the worst cheaters never will admit it. But I do hope they get theirs anyway. Somehow. Anyway, I gotta say, I'm really impressed with that guy - knowing what he needed to do and just doing it. I know what you mean about your friend, JS17 - I had a friend in a similar situation, which was occurring right around the time I found out my husband had been cheating. Really hard for me to separate my friendship for her from my feelings about cheating. I didn't always succeed at the time, though we got past it, she got past it and now we're close again. Anyway, I don't know if I'd have had the courage to look my fears in the face like that and say, nope, just can't handle this; gotta go. That's tackling things head-on!
confusedgeek Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 This has been always been an issue for me. I never really like putting my problems on my friends/family. It's fine to hang out, have fun, have a few laughs, talk about common topics. Because since it involves them (friends/family), it puts some pressure on their side. Its something they shouldnt have to think about. Because its essentially my problem. Or in this case, your friends problem. It's unfair for my friends/family to think about these matters. I have perhaps 1 friend I could talk about things that openly. So, she must trust you a lot to tell you about this. As for the cheating part, i cant comment. no experience in those matters.
Art_Critic Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I would imagine they are more likely to find themselves in an endless string of broken relationships. True.. My dad was a serial cheater.. he would cheat on his mistress's. He cheated on both of my Moms and till the day he died he was miserable and was not happy.. He had a lot of success and had a family but there was no happiness.. just misery.. in all our lives.. He wasn't capable of love in terms that we normally are... If he was alive today he would most likely be LS's most notorious poster
Author JS17 Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 I'm pretty proud of this guy too only I am required to feel guilty about it because the cheater is my friend He has every right to not want to date her, just as I have a right not to date someone who recently stole a car. They may not PLAN to ever steal a car again, but the fact that they could rationalize it ONCE tells me 'this person doesn't have the kind of value system I respect' I agree 100%. I have found myself in this situation and ignored my cognitive reasoning and went with instinct. I was wrong. ...I don't think is accurate. I sincerely doubt--and I don't think it's just wishful thinking--that cheaters go on to find lives full of love and happiness. I would imagine they are more likely to find themselves in an endless string of broken relationships.IME, the cheaters are the ones to go on to find love again. I'm sure it is not always the case but that has been my experience and observation of others. Yeah, it sucks that the cheated-on deveop trust issues but the cheaters have issues of their own. If they didn't, they wouldn't be cheating in the first place. Sometimes the cheated-on already have issues making it difficult for them to be in relationships and the development of trust issues make it impossible. Of course the cheaters have issues or they wouldn't be cheating but who is to say that their issues are worse than those who were cheated on? Yes it's not fair but the world isn't fair blah blah blah. Really hard for me to separate my friendship for her from my feelings about cheating. I didn't always succeed at the time, though we got past it, she got past it and now we're close again. It has proven to be a difficulty in our friendship now. We are still as close as ever but it does feel like we are walking on eggshells around this topic. I think we both try to be sensitive to what the other is going through and learn what it's like to be on the other side.
Mz. Pixie Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Gosh, to me, yeah they get what's coming to them. I could go on and list every single bad thing that happened to me after my fling that I had and divorce, but I won't. Trust me, I went through alot, most of which was my fault. I learned a valuable lesson and I can certainly tell you that I'd never do it again. I believe that just because someone does this once, does not mean they will do it again, nor does it make someone less deserving of achieving true happiness eventually.
Pyro Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Sadly, lots of times the worst cheaters never will admit it. But I do hope they get theirs anyway. Somehow. That is true. If they are cowardly enough to cheat on their SO, then they probably would never fess up to their imperfections. I do believe that the cheaters get what is coming to them. Just because we may never see it or hear about it doesn't mean that it happens. It sure would be nice to get to see my ex get what is coming to her.
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 I feel like she got what she deserves. dont you think people deserve second chances? why not wish that cheaters get better and you get over it, rather than wishing bad karma on everyone who has made a small mistake?
NYCmitch25 Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 I'm not going to say cheaters never make out because there are always benefits biologically but who says cheaters always get away with it? Generally speaking, cheaters take immense risks which at many times are desperately fleeting accompanied with grave consequences. Furthermore, cheaters sometimes need a way out of a relationship or are outsourcing needs and in that sense you could say they win, however I wonder how worthy an unfulfilling relationship really is to their "lucky" partners? I'm sure partners would prefer to end a relationship instead of living a lie so in a sense they are crudely addressing that. Probably the biggest losers are the chronic cheaters who never get to feel fulfilled in life.. man I feel bad for them! ps. take with grain of salt, I never have been cheated on, I like to think it's because I pay attention to my better half and I'm not obsessed about being cheated on. more likely it's denial.. lol
Art_Critic Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 rather than wishing bad karma on everyone who has made a small mistake? Small Mistake....
TUDOR Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 I think cheaters have many of the same trust issues that someone who has been cheated on has. They know first hand what many people have to wait to find out till it happens to them in that people are capable of anything and everything no matter how well you think you know them. A cheater knowing they are capable of it will constantly be looking for signs or clues that it will happen to them. They do not have the luxury of giving the benefit of doubt because they have already forsaken it from themselves. So don't be so sure that cheaters go on to live happily ever after without the same trust issues as those that have been cheated on. 1
Art_Critic Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 relatively small, yes. When did breaking vows become a small mistake.. or crushing someones heart ?? A small mistake is forgetting someones birthday not vows..
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 a big mistake is declaring war, or supporting it...not falling in love with somebody else....
Author JS17 Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 how did the OW find their way out of their section?
seachange Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 relatively small, yes. Well, everything's relative to something else - compared to the death of a loved one, for example - I agree, cheating is relatively minor. But it isn't small. Not to the person whose reality has been twisted inside out. I never have been cheated on, I like to think it's because I pay attention to my better half and I'm not obsessed about being cheated on. Wouldn't it be awesome if it were this easy to avoid? As though the key to preventing it is all in your hands... ...and yet. Oh, well. What newbby and mitch are saying is actually the sort of stuff I used to say before it happened to me. So I don't blame you guys for saying it. Truly. I said those things too, so I understand where you're coming from. I just disagree now. Perhaps it's a case of empathy.
TUDOR Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 how did the OW find their way out of their section? Play nice!
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 it has happened to me. and just because i am an ex ow it doesnt make my opinion invalid. my opinion was to stop wishing bad karma on people. if you want to make a wish, make it a good one.
seachange Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 it has happened to me. and just because i am an ex ow it doesnt make my opinion invalid. my opinion was to stop wishing bad karma on people. if you want to make a wish, make it a good one. I don't wish for cheaters to get run over by a bus or anything. What I'd want is for them to truly understand the pain that they cause, rather than sidestepping it, avoiding it and compartmentalizing it. I want them to let go of cowardice, face it and accept their share of responsibility. That might indeed cause them pain, and perhaps that's the only way for it to happen. Perhaps they'd have to go through the pain of being cheated on themselves. Whatever, I don't care how it happens, I just want that moment of revelation where a cheater wakes up and becomes a whole person rather than a shell divided into separate chambers. Anyway, a girl can dream.
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 i think that hoping somebody is going to understand how they made you feel, keeps you stuck in negative feelings. so many times i have tried to explain to somebody how they made me feel, and they dont understand. so i end up feeling worse. their lives do seem to get better and better and unless i accept that, then i will feel like s***. of course i understand the feeling of wanting somebody to understand. people though, lack empathy in all areas. wishing that they "get theirs" though, only makes you feel bad. spreading more positive energy, makes you feel better. 1
Mz. Pixie Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 I think cheaters have many of the same trust issues that someone who has been cheated on has. They know first hand what many people have to wait to find out till it happens to them in that people are capable of anything and everything no matter how well you think you know them. A cheater knowing they are capable of it will constantly be looking for signs or clues that it will happen to them. They do not have the luxury of giving the benefit of doubt because they have already forsaken it from themselves. So don't be so sure that cheaters go on to live happily ever after without the same trust issues as those that have been cheated on. BINGO!!! Tudor, very insightful and not one mention of kinky sex. You're growing! 1
Greg25 Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 I guess in the end cheaters will end up getting treated as they treat others; if they cheat on their partners, their partners will probably either leave them, or cheat on them. In my experience, people repay good with good, even if sometimes good is repaid with evil, and evil is repaid with evil. You will get back what you give.
loony Posted December 27, 2005 Posted December 27, 2005 BINGO!!! Tudor, very insightful and not one mention of kinky sex. You're growing! True! He's not only a cute face with whom you can have some fun in the sack. Just kidding.
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