sylviaguardian Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 A quick question for the BS dealing with an affair. How did you know when you had been told the truth about the affair or do you still have doubts? How do you deal with it? My marriage is slowly winding down down and part of the problem (according to WS) is my refusal to accept that he has told me the whole truth. I AM obssessed with it. He volunteered the info about the physical stuff, I had no proof that anything at all physical happened. I wonder though, if he told me just enough to make it sound plausible. I just don't know anymore. I 've been lied to so much now that I find it impossible to tell whether I am paranoid or whether my gut instinct is telling me something. I have absolutely no reason to think it, but I still do all the time. You might ask what difference it makes - he had an affair anyway. The difference is that I want to know whether he is still a liar or not. I have even gone so far as to consider asking the OW. I am only prevented by the fact that no piece of truth has ever passed her lips since this whole thing started. Is anyone else plagued by doubts all the time, or am I just a particularly paranoid person?
tanbark813 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I can't speak first-hand about affairs within marriage but I've had those kind of doubts from gf's who have cheated. There actually is no way to know if you've been told the whole truth or not so you just have to accept that there might be something else you don't know. In fact, I've found it helps to just assume that there are things you don't know that you never will and move on. That's the most probable case anyway. If someone has an affair and/or lies to your face, the likelihood of them telling you absolutely everything after the fact--even when caught and confronted--is slim. Gut instincts tend to be accurate. 1
Tiny Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Is anyone else plagued by doubts all the time, or am I just a particularly paranoid person? No your not paranoid, it's a severe case of insecurity and mistrust brought on with all the lies and deceit, same thing I feel nearly everyday.
veronese Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 If you are, I am too hun. I had a huge problem with it too. The doubts I had were mainly about whether he'd slept with his 'friends'. Bearing in mind Syl, month by month I found out more and more and by 6 months had to absorb the fact that one had been around for more than 10 years. He admitted they all were flirtatious, ego boosting, enjoyable relationships, but insisted the most that had occurred was one kiss with one of them. I wanted to believe him but in my heart I just couldn't, I wouldn't believe it of any other H in the same situation. Like you too Syl, I wasn't obsessed with 'what' he may be lying about, I was obsessed with 'is' he lying to me still? I felt I had the right to know the truth and he'd proved himself to be such a brilliant liar I couldn't pretend he was someone I should trust. I needed to know so badly I went and found out for myself. I'd got to the stage when I knew I could not continue with him feeling so doubtful and confused. It was destroying any hope of a future together with our children. I didn't tell many friends what I was doing, but the ones I did definitely looked at me strangely. They were astounded to hear I was cracking up so far down the line over something and nothing. They said my thoughts were verging on the unbalanced. I knew Sylv, that they thought my behaviour was inappropriate and I should get a grip fast. I knew that if I didn't sort it out I would not only lose my mind, but my marriage too. I WAS crazy and I was aware of it. I was ashamed to have crumbled so spectacularly after DD and hated feeling, being, thinking, existing, functioning like a brain dead zombie prone to emotional outbursts and tears. So I went and got my answers and they matched what he had said. I prepared a complicated plan to avoid potential problems or dramas for all concerned but also would almost guarantee accurate, honest answers to my questions. I can't tell you what a weight it had been. Sure, I still don't know if I know every little thing but once I got past that one I tried to look forward. Obviously have relapses on regular basis, but our problems are no longer about what he has or hasn't done in the past, they're to do with who we are today (and whether I like him anymore!! Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't). I don't want our family to break up but I know it could happen one day. Maybe when I'm strong enough? Who knows. I still have hope so that's what I hold on to. Identify the specific thing that's bugging you Syl, then devise a plan to get some answers and put it to bed. Hugs to you sweet pea xxx
Ladyjane14 Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 One of the most difficult aspects of Recovery was forcing myself to stop doubting and checking. It's hard to do. I had to choose to believe him. And I had to make myself do it EVERY DAY for awhile. It got better in time though. Like a bad habit that you make yourself break.
mopar crazy Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 One of the most difficult aspects of Recovery was forcing myself to stop doubting and checking. It's hard to do. I had to choose to believe him. And I had to make myself do it EVERY DAY for awhile. It got better in time though. Like a bad habit that you make yourself break. Sorry Sylvia that you are still feeling this way. I hope things start getting better for you and your H. I hate to see you so unhappy w/ all the doubt you are having. Are you two going to MC, I can't remember? I agree w/ ladyjane on this one, it's the way I felt. B4 I knew the exact truth about H's A I had friends telling me about the A. Of course when I confronted H and the OW they both denied it and lied so much. I was in denial of the A at first. Thought maybe my friends were just hearing rumors that weren't true, ya know how things get started. A couple months later and after our children and I moved away is when H called and told me everthing. He said he could no longer lie to me about it and I deserved the truth b/c he wanted the M to work. It's been almost 3 years since the A and whether he is still not telling me something about the A I really don't care at this point. Right now we have other issues we are dealing w/ and so the A isn't weighing on my mind anymore. It's more like a bad dream. I hope things get better for you soon. Take care and Merry Christmas Sylvia
EndoftheRope Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I struggle with this almost daily. I honestly don't know how bad the truth is in my case. Really, the TRUTH may not be *that* bad, but the fact remains, I have stumbled on secrets and lies. I just stumbled on another secret this week. His current behavior towards me is that of a man on his honeymoon, and yet, I keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop, when he's going to finally not only admit that yes, I was right all along, and there WAS something funny about his secret friendship with this girl and this woman from years ago who still e-mails him, oh, and by the way, he's filing for divorce. I feel close to being in a position to choose to trust (this recent account I found could well be from months or a couple years ago, even, and may be totally unused), but I still wonder if choosing to trust won't, at this point, make me a gullible fool and be a failure to protect myself if the other shoe drops.
madamdragonfly Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 I'm in the same boat with this too. Of all the battles that comes from this sort of thing, this is the one that I am most afraid I will loose.... To this day, I still can't accept that he has told me the whole truth. Moreover, I still want the ugly details. I still crave being able to read the emails even though that I know it will make no difference with the healing process. Sigh...this is what happens when the trust between you and your spouse is gone. Cheating makes a person a liar and how does one believe a liar ever and again? This is not paranoia at all. I can't tell you how to get past this, other than to tell you that my husband and I agreed to his full disclosure on everything. It's become almost comical at my house. Every single thought he has had, he's confessed to me. I feel like I live in a damn confessional, but I would be lying myself if I said that it isn't helping.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 3, 2006 Posted January 3, 2006 No Sylvia it isn't wrong to feel this way !! It is very normal to feel this way ,you feel betrayed and are hurt ... You feel you can trust anything he says and does ,and you want to make sure that there isn't more to it!! I feel for you ,and i have been there, and i too was married!! He just needs to be open and honest from this day foward in orderfor you to start trusting him again!! Then after you are cheated on, i think you can forgive the person ,but you never forget, what they put you through ,and how your heart was broken!!!If you need someone just to talk with just pm me anytime !!
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