caring guy Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Hi all Advice needed. I posted on another part of this forum about me meeting a foreign girl & we met in town, shopped, had coffee & we just clicked like that. We were touchy feely, we purposefully bumped into each other & that 6th sense feeling i get when i go ona date, which happens very rarely, started! I seem to know that the person is someone i can have a very good time with & potentially date & have a future & i start to fall quick & think of her a lot, maybe a bit too much.I called her that night & we talked an hour & joked about me joining her on her trip to her country, & she said why not!!, this is 1 day in!! Next day we organised to meet & go for dinner, we walked somewhere nice & i told her that my 6th sense thing was telling me i had feelings for her, but i knew it was far too fast, but i just got these signals, the body language, things in common, things she was saying that she'd never met anyone like me in England before! I said i'd thought about the trip & how romantic it would be & she turned to me & kissed me passionately on lips, i was in heaven, we held hands, kissed more, i asked if we were now dating & yes she said, so we went for a meal & then back to mine! We spent 3 wonderful days together, very passionate, if you get my point! We went on country walks, talked a lot, lounged in bed, but we both said it had been very fast! But we feel like we have known each other a long time! She says she fancys me. We both aren't the type to sleep around, i don't want a fling. I booked tickets to go to her country with her in January, we go on a day out on Friday. I haven't spoken to her since Monday, but got an email. I'll see her tommorow & Friday. Thing is, even though all has gone very fast & she wanted a fiew days to herself, maybe to cool down, afterall a light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long! I feel i need reasurance. I've learned from my past that being too desperate & needy isn't good, so i haven't contacted her, only replied to an email she sent me about our travel plans. I texted her today about if i could call her tonight about meeting tommorow & because i didn't get a reply, i've been all nervous & my mind starts to think things that i know must be false, as we've planned to do things, to go places etc! She wouldn't have asked me to go away with her & meet her family & i've met her family here in UK, something she hasn't done before with anyone! We've done stuff in those 3 days that some don't do in weeks, maybe she thinks it's too good too soon, but is that bad? I've shown a caring, sensitive, funny side & been layed back & she's felt very comfortable. I just feel insecure when i don't get replies & i'm wandering whats going on in her mind! I have to contact her tonight, to find out about tommorow, but if i make the move, it will mean that the last 3 moves have been mine & i feel i'm pushing, but why didn't she answer, maybe she will later! I dunno!
Cecelius Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 You are right -- you have been going too fast. Just hang back and enjoy yourself with her and make sure she has a good time too, then disappear for a while.
Lilly Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 What do you mean by disappear for awhile? How long a while? Are you talking about days, weeks, months?
Author caring guy Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 I think it happened fast for "both" of us, nobody pushed the issue, if anything when i walked her to the station on the second night, she said, 'well maybe you could come back to mine to get a night bag & then we could go back to yours', but i did put it to her that we could go to an event the following morning! We shall meet tommorow & go somewhere for the day Friday & Christmas i assume she will be at hers with her "english family", should i invite her over anytime over the festive time? And yes, how long is a dissapearance act! We have enjoyed time! I just think that too much time apart after & that good time we had & things talked of will have to be re-done! But i guess thats not too bad, it keeps the fires of new relationship burning longer!
LN8840K Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 good advice " Just hang back and enjoy yourself with her and make sure she has a good time too " not so good advice " then disappear for a while. " If you're going to play games with her, then don't be pissed when she plays them with you.
Author caring guy Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 I don't want to play silly games, dissapearing rubbish, i'm an adult that knows what he wants & thats her! I'm stressed as to wether to call her tonight, i texted her earlier asking her when would be suitable to call her tonight & have no reply!! Maybe she thinks i will call her & not that i'm asking her when is suitabe! Her English isn't great, is that it!, has she ignored it, is that it! She told me on her mail to me that we'd talk on Thursday, but i got something about our day to tell her.But don't want to keep contacting! It's a pain! But when were together, it's the best!
LN8840K Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Take a chill pill , you don't want to smother this girl ................it could be any number of reasons she has not returned your text ..... If she said you would talk on Thursday ...then call her on Thursday or let her call you ......and for the sake of your own health calm down man
Cecelius Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 "disappear" such as for a day or two or longer than you usually are out of contact. In the end, when the girl says she needs a little down time away from you, you are already in trouble. It's not a game, it's just trying to make sure you don't suffocate the girl (or yourself).
LN8840K Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 my eyes muat be getting bad in my old age ... if she said she needed time to herself ....yeah then that is good advice .... you might wanna disappear because needing space or time is never a good sign.
Author caring guy Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 Yes guys i do need to chill, i do take valium for impatience & anaxiety! LN88040K When we met it was all fast, after 3 days we'd done it all & felt like we'd known each other ages! She told me she fancied me, we were intimate, so it wasn't just me being fast! She needs space because it was going 200mph, thats normal to need space then, i think! She's been off work with back trouble so she needs to rest & be on own a while! She's had physio & can't go tommorow now, i was concerned for her, but found it hard to communicate on phone, as it is & neded stuff to know! We were due to go to somewhere important today & tommorow (something to do with my passport) & i was looking forward going with her! I had to be in contact, but over the phone isn't great because her English is not good, but i had to know things for travel etc! She has invited me to visit her family in her country for gods sake, she's also asked me to re-book appointment at passport office so she can go with me! So she must have feelings in a big way, but i can't push people, but i needed times & dates to renew tickets! She says if i push her it won't be good for us & i haven't, i just got the vibe she didn't like it when i booked the early bus without telling her, but she wanted to go with me & it was the only one. I do feel i'm banging my head againsed a brick wall, but i just don't want my impatient, pushy ways to bugger it up! I've now got to wait for her to contact me, tommorow she said & take it from there, but mellow i need to do!
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 It's hard when you thought there were plans to do something and you can't get in contact with the person. You don't want to assume anything either because then misunderstandings happen and I'm not sure what's worse, risking a misunderstanding or looking impatient/needy. I don't agree with game playing either and playing a disappearing act is a game. But it doesn't hurt to let the other person miss you once in a while. I need to work on this myself.
Author caring guy Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 I hate games, i'm sure she isn't playing one purposefully. Miss me, i don't know if she will as we were only together for 3 days, but such intense days. We did in 3 days what should have happened in 7. I'm confused at why after what we did & it wasn't just me instigating it, there has to be a time of space & being alone for a while. We never planned 3 days & nights together, on the second night, i took her to the station for her to go home & she said "maybe i could stay at yours again & we could go that walk in the morning!", so it was her too wanting things to be that fast! I think she's more mature than me & understands that a light that burns twice as bright, burn half as long!
Cecelius Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I have to say again, it is not a game. A new relationship involves getting to know one another, but also still involves attraction (or rather, requires attraction). A woman will perceive a man who spends all of his time with her as having less going on in life than another man, or than a man "should" have. An active man with other things in his life is attractive because it shows he can get things done. Too much time together can result in the impression in her mind that he has little else to do, that she is his center. This puts pressure on her to be perfect all the time at this early juncture AND makes him look less active, less able and thus less attractive. The point is, he SHOULD have other things to do and all "disappearing" does is give him the opportunity to seek those things out -- working out, reading, improving himself, working, hanging with friends, hobbies -- whatever. This is why it is not a game -- it is part of what makes an attractive and desireable man.
LN8840K Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 does disppearing increase interest ... no doubt about it, .... when she needs space it's the ONLY thing that will help you.... it matters not who set the pace, when someone says they need " space " give them what they ask for ...it really is your only choice ....
Author caring guy Posted December 23, 2005 Author Posted December 23, 2005 Cecelius Your words are wise & i know that showing someone that they are the centre of my universe is a big turn off! She knows i'm at college, work pt time, exercise regularly & have a life. I don't think "space" is actually what she meant, i think it was more of a "slow down" thing as what we did was a zillion mph! I think that what we have planned & me needing to book things, arrange tickets & her being ill at the moment has caused friction, like i need answers for certain dates & her being grouchy as she is ill (flu or something). I admit that i do catastrophise & take things the wrong way & think the worst when i shouldn't! She's said she will meet me when she's well & go with me for a day in Liverpool to get my passport, just the other day i booked tickets & appointment & she couldn't go! We were due to go & enjoy the day, i guess i planned a perfect day & because it didn't happen i was taking it personally & thought it was her way of backing off from me! Since, she's said we will go early January & she'l come & stay when she's ok. I'm stupid, i know! I bought her a xmas present, maybe i shouldn't have as it may make her uncomfortable! It's nothing personal, just gift vouchers for a shop she likes! Bad idea?? Cheers cg
clandestinidad Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I think if she said she wanted a few days to herself, you shouldnt have called or emailed. Doing that says to me "I dont want to give you what you said you wanted/needed, I'm going to find a way to contact you anyway" Dont do anything....she knows you've called/emailed and if she wants to respond she'll respond. Its very annoying to say that you need time, and then the person doesnt give it to you. Its pushy, and sometimes seems desperate. Also, never ASK someone if you can call them later!!! In my opinion it instantly shows weakness, especially if theyve already been emailing me and such. I prefer to have someone just do it, not ask me if its okay. edit to add: I just re-read the part where she apparently told you that if you push her it wont be good for you 2....that means she already feels pushed. back away and make her come to you just what i think
LN8840K Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Cool your jets turbo " I don't think "space" is actually what she meant " I would be willing to bet you, thats exactly what she meant ! " Its very annoying to say that you need time, and then the person doesnt give it to you. Its pushy, and sometimes seems desperate. " " back away and make her come to you " read the above, memorize it, then before you are ready to call think about it at least 25 more time's. Then if you still want to call it's all you. if she wanted to end it ...she would not say she needs space, she would say I don't think it's going to work out ...so don't have an anxiety attack because she needs space
Author caring guy Posted December 24, 2005 Author Posted December 24, 2005 Thanks all I've only ever called when she has agreed to it & asked me to! She told me to call today, i did & she was in que at supermarket! She said call later! She said she wants to come & see me next week. Is it strange to get on realy well with someone, we both said we feel like we've known each other ages, to then slow it down & not see each other for a week! Call me naive, but is it? I only emailed her my eticket for her to print & sometimes she has texted me asking me to call her! I've invited her over on Tuesday to go out, but if she asks me to call her, thats different yeh! To organise something, you have to talk, we both say we hate talking on the phone, in person is much better! I just get pissed off with not knowing where i stand!
clandestinidad Posted December 24, 2005 Posted December 24, 2005 I understand what youre feeling about this, CG. Its perfectly normal to get close and then pull away. People, especially men, do this very often. Its scary to get so close to someone, and when it happens as quickly as it did with you two, its even scarier. She probably just wants to make sure its right, and not a little meaningless fling. I also wanted to say that SOMEtimes people say they want to do things (like, 'hey we should go to ___, or we should do ___) but they dont REALLY intend to do it quickly. Yes, it sucks, but its that part about pulling away that makes people do it. I'm not saying that she never wanted/wants to do __ with you, just that she might have gotten nervous about it or something. I know you have to communicate to organize things, but if the person doesnt really want to set it in stone they will avoid planning it. just what i think
Author caring guy Posted December 24, 2005 Author Posted December 24, 2005 Thanks Kat Oh, i'm such an idiot, why do i get attached so easily. Yes we both moved so so fast & it shouldn't have gone that fast, i mean meet Thursday & spend until Sunday, holding hands, hugging, sex, kissing, doing nice things together & silly old me gets on cloud 9! Because we both said we fancy each other & she just said that to me, she also thinks we have too much in common, i don't know how this can be! She's told me that she thinks & gets the vibe that i'm wanting a relationship now & she's right, if she said we're an item i'd jump at it! She just wants to be in my company & have fun, no definates. She said she feels guilty that she led me on, that what happened made me optimistic & gave me too much hope. I'm so stupid, i've been myself & jumped in at the deep end full on! & think i messed up, but she feels partly to blame! At the moment i am very upset & annoyed with myself & how i am. She still wants to see me, but not to talk about 'relationshps'. This hasn't happened much, but i admit,i've said things like 'i'm looking forward to seeing you', 'last week was great' etc! Maybe because we have talked on the phone which i hate & so does she, it's like pressure to talk! When we're together we do just have a laugh & not talk about relationships, thats why what happened, happened! It was so good last week, we seem made for each other, we talk a lot, make each other laugh, i'm not like guys she's met & am interested in her, her country, knowledgable about her country etc! & i was just so blown away! Stupid!! It seems such a shame that the prospect of not being together could happen, but it's just been too fast & i am not looking at things through rose tinted spectacles, but i believe that we will be together, just time it takes to get to know more! She says & i agree that by being together, nature can take it's course, but at the mo, i've given off a bad impression, just a vibe of wanting her! maybe this chat we had was for the best & que sera, sera! We shall see each other on Tuesday & i'm sure it'll be ok, i just don;t want my heart to sink when i see her smile & hear her face!
Author caring guy Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 Her English isn't the best either, & says that can be a problem, i see it as an ice breaker! Last weekend was amazing, walking hand in hand in town, going to romantic restaurant, i feel like a lovesick kid! We both talked about us & because i said kisses to you all the time & she put kisses to me in her mails, she got impression that i wanted a full on relationship now! Do you agree that that can't happen, nature & time has to take it's course. I get she can sense i'm sensitive & a little emotional & i do worry a lot. I can't help this, but i must have pressed the correct buttons when we met or we wouldn't have spent those days. She says i'm funny, we get on, things in common, she's even leaft some clothes here. Never say never is my saying, but each time we spend together she'l know i'm wanting her & maybe being together in person will make her want me! I just can't push & need advice on how to not push! Advice please cg
stevestunts Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 hey mate ... im going through that same situation as you, yet it hasn't progressed as quickly as yours!! im getting all the same feelings as you have .. feels like i've know her for ages, great convo, excellent sexual energy, she's funny, intelligent and extremely attractive. i've only known her for a bit but we've only kissed... and that is done on purpose on my part i think. i just want this to last and i know it will if you give her a bit space and not smother her. Take your time mate, i don't think its too late to do all those romantic things together again but go slow at it and enjoy one thing at a time. she likes you thats for sure, just back off and find something else to do when she wants some space. she's not going anywhere.... but if you keep getting in her space when she doesn't you too she might have second guesses about her feelings for you. good luck and take it S L O W.
Author caring guy Posted December 25, 2005 Author Posted December 25, 2005 Hey Steve Cheers, i know i need to slow it down, i just hope the damage isn't done with me coming across as wanting reasurance, i'm terrible at that! We are travelling to her country next months together & as her English isn't great, i'm confused at to what she means when she says certain things. E.g. she feels i want a relationship, bf & gf now, & that she feels guilty about coming back to my place & spending 3 great days with me, as it was leading me on! I'm not sure if she means she may never want a relationship, or just not now & see what nature & time does. I guess we've got to stop talking on the phone, as that isn't good when your trying to express yourself in another language, she gets very frustrated, but in person were fine! I just got inclines over the last fiew days that she thought i wanted something serious right now, like she didn't wanna meet because she had a cold, maybe she did! I think too much, thats my prob! I guess i've just got to carry on making her laugh, being there for her, i've got a big hreart & when i mean well, others sometimes take it as intrusion & too much! I'm a great guy she says, & too much in common, don't get that one! I don't want to lose this girl, i feel something very special about her! I get nervous about calling her incase something goes wrong! Think i'll just text tommorow! Cheers cg
LN8840K Posted December 25, 2005 Posted December 25, 2005 I feel your pain, but why not put it in the " something for Jesus to do box " You have no control over this situation, to think you do will only cause you to push and crowd this girl....... Let it go and see what happens ...it's your only choice............ there is no guarantee she will want a relationship, if you have a relationship there are no guarantees it will last .......but it's a chance you take
Author caring guy Posted December 26, 2005 Author Posted December 26, 2005 It is true, i have no control over the situation, only to control myself & not push & see how it goes! I'm thinking & it's my way of thinking, wishful, that she thinks that i want to carry on at 100mph like last week, because i said i was looking forward to see her! Imean she's leaft her slippers at mine, perfume & after what happened last weekend, it was as if we'd been together months! in 3 days! I know that only time & nature can take it's course & thats what i'm going to do, or she'll tell me to p*ss off & i won't be going to her country with her! It's a struggle comunicating over the phone, she gets frustrated! She said maybe that it was a sex thing, but she didn't want a fling! We could be sex buddies! I just don't know, i just believe she thinks i'm in deep & wanting it to carry on as opposed to taking a step back & a breather! I guess i should take it as it comes & any advice would be welcome as to how i should be when we meet tommorow! cg
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