sandyq Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 In looking over the most recent cell phone bill I noticed numerous calls to a number I don't know. I looked on his cell phone and it's a name I don't know- "Carter". I start looking over old bills- he and Carter talk most nights on his way home from work, on his way home from grad school at 10pm, and whenever he's on a business trip. This started in Sep and it's now Dec! He has never mentioned having a friend named Carter and I'm friends with all his friends. Well, I did some snooping and can get into his work email- he and Carter meet for lunch a few times a week (never mentioned to me). Do I keep snooping until I find hard evidence or do I confront him now? It's not like I've seen anything incriminating- but I get a VERY uneasy feeling seeing the amount of conversations, text messages, and lunches that have never been mentioned to me...It's so strange b/c my husband and I have a VERY close relationship, that all of a sudden he has someone he's keeping from me. What do I do?
LifeRealistic Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 It might be nothing. You have phone # right ? Have you called it? If its a home # or if no one answers, you can do a reverse look up. Just go to any search engine, and put in reverse phone # look-up. Or you can call 411, and they will give you a # you can call, and enter in the # , if its listed ,they will tell you who pays for that phone bill. Also, before you call, dial *67 of course, so your number comes up private. Keep us posted. And I hope its nothing.
jasmine111 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I would confront him about it, but dont go all out making assumptions or accusations
bigbrowneyes Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 When I noticed changes in my relationship with my X, I registered his cell for web billing so could investigate. I discovered the same as you...he called a particular number regularly throughout the day. He even called the number at 5 a.m. (when he used to call me to say good morning but suddenly didn't have time to do that anymore.) I went to his house and checked the caller ID and the same number was on his home phone at very late hours of the night. I decided to call the number and as I suspected, some girl answered the phone. I calmly asked her what her relationship was with M and she acted surprised. Finally, I explained to her that I wanted to know her relationship because I was engaged to be married to M and I also have 2 children. I didn't want to make a decission that would affect all of us later. She was understanding and told me everything. I didn't get angry or blame her. I only asked her to be 100% honest with me and asked her to answer my questions so I could have closure. Oddly enough, she told me everything (and I found out that she was married). After having the information, I confronted M and asked him (for the 10th time) if he was seeing someone. Of course he continued to deny it until I asked him who T was. Of course this is only my situation, yours may be different. However, I'm a firm believer in instinct. If you sense something is wrong, 95% of the time your on the right track. I suggest calling the number and see who answers and simply ask this individual what relationship they have with your husband (try not to be emotional). If you ask your husband directly, he will surely deny anything. And I also am a firm believer in "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing". Best of luck.
Mz. Pixie Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I gotta tell you that men do not usually text message other men.
LBC Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I gotta tell you that men do not usually text message other men. very good point
lilmoma1973 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 My thought too Mz Pixie when i read the post !! If someone has nothing to hide then it shouldn't bother them!! Have you confroted him and asked him what is up and ask who this number is that keeps showing on your cell bill!! I can't blame you for being suspicious because i will ask my h about a number if i don't see a number that is familiar and if he get mad tough it is my cell bill in my name and it is itemized!!
sylviaguardian Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Hi Sandy, It's a tricky one to play. Somehing is definitely rotten in Denmark. Even if they have done nothing physical, the fact that he is hiding this from you, tells you it is not right and your husband knows it. I don't know about calling this person up. I mean if they are just flirting etc she will surely deny that anything is going on. How long has it been going on for? Do a bit more snooping. Have you looked at bank statements etc? and gone through his pockets/bags. Are there any bills for lunches etc. The fact that you haven't found anything suspicious on the text/email could just be down to the fact that they are saying it all when they are together. I would keep snooping. If you say something now, he will know you are on to him. Keep checking the emails. Is there anyway you could follow him at lunch-time? Keep lookign for evidence then bring it into the open. With any luck, they will still be at the heavy flirting stage. After that, you might want to go to marriage counselling.
Mz. Pixie Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Yes, at any rate, he's spending time talking to this person that he should be spending working on your marriage. I'm with Sylvia. Do some snooping. See what you find out.
Author sandyq Posted December 22, 2005 Author Posted December 22, 2005 Thank you to all for your advice- I've done some additional snooping. Called the number (from a payphone) and it is a guy. Found out it's a guy who works for the same company. I heard a voicemail from the guy before hubby erased it- and I think this guy is gay (no straight guys use the phrase "thought I'd give you a jingle to see how you are"). I agree with you all- there's a reason it's called women's intuition. I'm most suspicious that all calls/voicemails from this guy are erased- why would he erase calls/texts/voicemails when there's nothing to hide? I'm going to continue to snoop until i come up with hard evidence and then confront him about it (so that he can't deny anything). Hopefully, I'm completely off the mark- I'm totally in shock b/c my hubby and I have such a close relationship. What else should I do to snoop?
SamandBran Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 I don't know any man that would call another man that much. And if it is a guy, then why hasn't your husband told you about this relationship with "Carter" b/c you know everything and everyone else. Why is this person unfamiliar to you? I would definitely get more evidence before confronting your husband b/c not only will he deny everything til his death probably, but he will also know that you are on to him and probably cover up whatever he was doing even better. You don't want to give him that chance then you may never be able to find out the truth. My ex lied to me about his cheating all the way up to the day that I went to the girl's house! And I was 8 months preggo with his baby and he was over her house to, like down the street playing b-ball. But, I didn't tell him that I was onto him. I just kept asking if he was seeing anyone else to give him one more chance to tell the truth. I called him while I was on my way over to her house (I got information from friends and other sources). I'm sure he was really surprised when he saw me and my friend arrive at her place. I spoke to her NOT HIM and asked her what relationship they had and of course she told me. And that's all I needed to know to leave him. You'll have to do this for yourself b/c even if you confront him, he says no then covers up his tracks better, you will always be stuck worrying. Call the number from another number, read the emails, do what you have to do to get the answers that you need before confronting him so he won't have a chance to lie. Good luck!!!! And hopefully the search is on.
DEBTEX Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Wow!! I am glad i found this sight. I feel SO alone these days....and find myself hysterically crying almost all day. my husband & I have been together for 8 yrs, He has adopted my 13 yr old son 5 yrs ago, and we just had a baby 18 months ago. since the birth of our baby....not only have things been so distant--I've had to ask him to leave in october (even briefly in september..) he began doing drugs, and NEVER wanting to be home....only wanted to hang out with WHOEVER!! I had caught him in lies for over 2 yrs. usually STUPID lies...but none the less...ones that I asked specifics about-because I KNEW he was lying....and NEVER would i get the truth! I was so angry at him for giving me sh** for money during christmas time b-cuz he knew what little I made--and he made enough cash under the table to keep what he wanted for NO bills. but we were such close friends for years before we even dated...and had spend our last 10 christmas' together, so I allowed him to spend Christmas with us. well, he was acting so strange. LITERALLY right on top of his cell phone....even "slept" with it! so I figured out the password....and heard a message from another woman on their. (MIDNITE ON CHRISTMAS EVE)!! I was DEVESTATED!! He swore she is just a friend...but yet a friend he NEVER wants me to meet. of all the things I never believed in him...the ONE thing I had always trusted was his loyalty. because we were working on a "constructive" seperation. still spending time together with the kids. course there were plenty that we did figth (mostly ME) because of his "new found love" for his freedom. & hangning out...which not that I cared much...but i NEVER got to do. and he always acted like I had to ask him to BABYSIT his own kids! like he just did me this HUGE favor, cuz he spent 2 hours without me there...with him and the kids!... ok...so a few more days of depression..but working out a decent friendship. I go on an road job with him...and while he is doing the job, I find A CONDOM in his wallet!@!!!! THEN a PACK of them in his console!! AGAIN...crushed. I have to see this man because of my kids. but it tears me apart ANYTIME i see him and think of what he is doing with other women!! so this past weekend...he is very sick. course...doesn't he call ME all weekend...and all hours of the night. so I take him to the hospital. Surprizingly he offers his phone so I can call our son. (wow?) and OF COURSE...I look thru the contacts. dont I find a SHEILA on their. ask him a few hours later about it. "she was someone I met while we were fighting, I never talked to her tho"... Well, when I went home...you KNOW I called "sheila". he told her we were already filed for divorce, and he had taken her out to dinner--but that nothing happened. (not that THAT part matters now). and she had talked to him as recently as 2 days, when he got sick!!!! AGAIN...I confont him...he hung up on me. he stayed sick for FIVE days...and again...I feel badly for him...and for even the fact that I want to be his friend. so AGAIN take him to the hospital, where they admitted him. (this is today), so I come home and call "girl #1" from the answering machine. I hear she is a bald chick who is a HUGE drug addict. so I ask her what her relationship with him is....and she RIPS MY HEAD OFF. we've been friends since I was 12, (friends,huh..funny how he didnt hang with you until HE MOVED OUT OF MY HOUSE)...and she called him that night for a FRIEND of hers who wanted to talk to him. (and NOW that I find this out...NOW I know "who" he was with on Christmas night)... I am tired of crying. he is admitted to the hospital where I work. I want so badly to confront him...but I know he is sick. but he isnt relying or wanting anyone else right now...and I DONT want to give him any affection, and I know I would be better of NOT seeing him....but I just dont know "how" to go about doing it???
grizoog29 Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 You know, I think the ladies are right. If he doesn't have anything to hide, he shoudln't. I would definitely call the number and see if a guy answers. If a girl answers, I don't know that I would ask directly what the relationship is, I mean, if it's nothing, your husband may feel very affended and that could start up other problems in you relationship. If you do snoop, I think you should be careful so that he doesn't know you're snooping. Men hate it when you search through their wallets.
cygny Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 He could be having a gay affair. He may be bisexual and you don't know it. It really is not all that uncommon.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 He could be having a gay affair. He may be bisexual and you don't know it. It really is not all that uncommon. Could be and it isn't that uncommon now adays.. The best thing is to ask confront him on what you have found and his reaction will tell you all you need to know!!
Author sandyq Posted February 1, 2006 Author Posted February 1, 2006 Thank you all for your advice. I did extra snooping and found flirty emails he and this guy had exchanged- i was in shock. The guy also sent him links to a gay porn website. I confronted my husband with the emails printed out and he said it was just a friendship and he's not gay, his friend is and was sending him funny stuff. Honestly, I don't know what to do. He's said he cut all ties with this guy, but he's not exactly trustworthy at this point. The kicker was he claims it was my fault he didn't tell me about his new friend b/c he felt bad that I don't have as many friends as him... am i right in thinking that this is totally wrong? What kind of a conselor do I see?
incognito Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Thank you all for your advice. I did extra snooping and found flirty emails he and this guy had exchanged- i was in shock. The guy also sent him links to a gay porn website. I confronted my husband with the emails printed out and he said it was just a friendship and he's not gay, his friend is and was sending him funny stuff. Honestly, I don't know what to do. He's said he cut all ties with this guy, but he's not exactly trustworthy at this point. The kicker was he claims it was my fault he didn't tell me about his new friend b/c he felt bad that I don't have as many friends as him... am i right in thinking that this is totally wrong? What kind of a conselor do I see? wow! This is quite tricky because your husband may be experiencing shame or fear from the type of relationship he's having if he's not ready to admit he's gay, and it doesn't sound like he is. HOwever.....I can assure you that no straight guy would engage in such behaviour w/ another guy. I would proceed w/ caution w/ respect to your husbands feelings and current mental state...IMO, he will likely deny anything and everything just based on the fact he's not ready to admit that he's gay (or at least curious). Either way though, you are being cheated on IMO and you should treat it as such.
jerbear Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 am i right in thinking that this is totally wrong? What kind of a conselor do I see? You are not wrong, coming from a guy. If he hid it and said he cut off ties, well I hate to say this he still cheated. Since he spent time with him, was defensive, hide it from you, well regardless of level of cheating; it is still cheating. Maybe a psychologist but honestly this behavior can arise again. Your hubby may actually be bi or gay. There have been men who marry, start a family; then come out of the closet when the environment is right.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 IMO I agree with others, it sounds as if he is either gay, or at least "interested" enough to find out more information on it. He may have tested the waters so-to-speak, didn't like them and that is why he cut the ties. You won't know unless he tells you. Unfortunately, it may be a long time before you ever know. Short story .... I worked with a girl whose father only came out of the closet after all the kids were out of the house. It took 20 years for him to finally admit to his wife that he was gay. Obviously, her mother took it hard and didn't date anyone after that for more than five years .... The father? He is living with his partner (the same person that was his "best friend" during the marriage) and the kids have learned to accept him as he is and accept his partner. They also tested the waters, but stayed away from each other sexually after that for a long time. However, neither wanted it to be really over and eventually decided to let everyone know ... the other guy was also married. But, it was a long, hard road ... made long more so b/c of her father's unwillingness to accept he was gay and admit it not only to himself ... but those that he loved more than anything else in the world. Good luck!
Mz. Pixie Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 wow! This is quite tricky because your husband may be experiencing shame or fear from the type of relationship he's having if he's not ready to admit he's gay, and it doesn't sound like he is. HOwever.....I can assure you that no straight guy would engage in such behaviour w/ another guy. ..IMO, he will likely deny anything and everything just based on the fact he's not ready to admit that he's gay (or at least curious). Either way though, you are being cheated on IMO and you should treat it as such. Come on, a straight guy would never do this, even if he didn't have problems with his gay friends lifestyle. One of my best friends is a gay female. She's very open with her lifestyle with me and we talk about it, however, she would NEVER send me a gay porn or flirty e mails. She's not feeling me in that way, because she's knows I'm straight and have NO curiosity in that area. For his friend to even send the e mails or joke around with him about it, shows me that he's shown more than just a passing interest in his friend's lifestyle. Many men are gay, and cannot bring themselves to leave the closet for obvious reasons. Oprah did a show not too long ago about this. It happens ALL the time. They can't bring themselves to face it, much less tell anyone else. Often times, male and females who are gay will often marry, to avoid being labeled as "gay" even though they really are. My gay friend has several friends who are not out of the closet even to their parents, and they are all in their late 30's. A few of them have been married and divorced because they cannot handle it. My concern is that you're exposing yourself to STD's if he's having casual hookups with men. Please make sure you're protecting yourself by using condoms just in case it does come out down the line he's been engaging in sex with men. There are many spouses who have contracted STD's in this manner or even worse, HIV.
incognito Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 Come on, a straight guy would never do this, even if he didn't have problems with his gay friends lifestyle. Um...you said exactly what I said....why do you roll your eyes at me?
UnderWorld Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 hmm carter...hopefully he isnt gay id totally follow him w.a rental car undercover!
Lishy Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 You have to follow him and catch him bang to rights! I have this huge feeling he is having an affair with this guy..... I hope I am wrong!
jmargel Posted February 1, 2006 Posted February 1, 2006 I knew a guy who was married for 20 yrs, then outta the blue left his wife to be with his BF. This guy is also a well known psychologist. Kinda weird, huh? But it's true! I also know of another couple that just recently divorced after 25 yrs of marriage. She was cheating on him with another chick. She's now with her.
Recommended Posts