did i do the right thing? please advise!

[whattofeel]

Hi all,

 

I'm really conflicted as to what I did and don't know if the move I made was right or not. Four months ago I met a guy through facebook because he randomly found me through some social network. He poked me on the website. Since I always get random pokes from random people on the site, I decided to just poke him back for fun, just like what I do to other people. Next thing I knew I received a message from him saying that he didn't want another "phony" facebook friend, and that he was eager in getting to know new people. I was pleasantly surprised only because I just moved into the area for work purposes and was also in the mode myself to get to know new people. We exchanged 3-4 messages on the facebook site before I told him that he can just email me and we can talk better that way. He wrote in the email that he'll IM me later that day, and said that if I receive a message from an unknown screenname that I'd know it'd be him, so it'll be a nice surprise. Later that night, I get a message from him and we talked 3 hours nonstop and for the next 3-4 days we talked about getting together to hang out, meeting up for lunch, planning what to do during the weekend, swapped photos and most surprisingly, it seemed as if he was fancying me before we even met face to face since he kept saying that he'd buy me a nice necklace in a shop from around his workplace, etc. 4 days later, we met up at a restaurant near my workplace and since both of us were too busy talking, we didn't do much eating during the 1 1/2 hours we spent with each other. When we parted, he hugged me and said that he had a really nice time and wondered if we were still going ahead with the plans for the next day, and I agreed that we were.

 

The next day after work, he came by the train station across from my workplace and waited for me to meet him. We took the train together to my place, which was almost an hour ride from the city, and during our whole ride there we also talked nonstop. We pretty much spent that whole night up and just talking to each other, and we touched each other and were flirting pretty heavily. After napping for around 4 hours the following morning (me on the bed and him on the floor), we woke up. He kept staring at me intensely and I was wondering what's going on. Finally, he asked if he could kiss me and I said sure (by this time I was pretty attracted to him, so I would be willing to do anything to him). After we kissed for a bit, I broke it off and asked him what the deal between us was. He asked me out then, and in terms of bf/gf. I obviously complied. The first two weeks after that, we were really happy and couldn't get enough of each other. Every day at work we'd swap emails nonstop and at night, we would talk nonstop online. We made it so that we'd meet up at lunch once a week, and that we'd spend Friday nights at his place and Saturday nights at my place. At the end of the two weeks, he told me that he loved me, but I was somewhat wary because I thought it was a little too quick, but I didn't take what he said that seriously. School then started for him, and on top of that he had martial arts lessons, so then it was as if he was working full time, was attending school for his masters two nights a week, and also doing martial arts during the days he wasn't doing school, except for Sunday. During this time I was noticing that he was distancing slightly from me and I was starting to wonder if he even had time for me since we were fresh in a relationship, and on top of that I started noticing that he would show signs of frustration and stress, but wouldn't really open up to me how he was feeling himself. When I noticed this in him, I would ask him what's wrong and try to comfort him. I decided to let things go the way they were, but given the fact that he was so busy with his life and had no time with me that our relationship wasn't really going anywhere and I barely got to see him, given the fact that we really spent only one weeknight and just the weekends together, and usually during those times, we didn't do much except just lounge and watch tv, or just chill out, but didn't converse much. Eventually, most of our conversations seemed strained because I would just keep talking but he wouldn't have much to respond to, always saying that he was too tired, or too busy, or have nothing much to say since his "mind wasn't really there." At the end of the first month, I decided to test how he would be able to handle my frustration, since I was actually not too happy that my friend cancelled on her visit to my place and forgot to tell me about it until I asked her (which I thought in my opinion was really rude). He didn't know how to handle my frustration, and didn't know how to help me out much except when I needed him he said that most times he would be okay hanging out by himself and all. When we finished talking online that night, I was really unhappy and was thinking whether I should continue a relationship with him or not. The very next day, he wrote me an email saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship, and that he thinks I deserve better especially since he thinks that I'm such a beautiful girl, who's sweet, smart, and has great humor. I wrote back saying that I was very confused by his actions, didn't know what to feel and he wrote back saying that he's really sorry about it, and that he was thinking awhile about it but still has feelings for me, etc. That night we talked online and got back together. The next month we were together, I felt even more distance between us, and many times when we talked there would be huge gaps of silence, even though I would initiate conversation most of the time face to face (he would always initiate contact through emails and IMs but we didn't have many meaningful conversations). I started to feel like I was able to open up to him but always felt like there was a barrier between me and him, since he wouldn't tell me much about himself, his beliefs, his thoughts about things. When I confronted him about this, he said that he's not the type that would hold deep conversations and all. The weekend before we broke up, I was visiting one of my friends at college and I discussed with her what I was feeling and if this type of relationship is normal between with a guy I've only known for around 2 months. At this point I was thinking about breaking it off with him, but wanted to hang around to see if everything would clear up. Lo and behold, on the last Sunday of October, he broke up with me over IM. I was somewhat unhappy, even though it didn't come as a great shock, since I felt like our relationship would've progressed if he had put more effort into it. He said that he's been thinking a long while about us and said that he didn't feel a deep connection with me, and his gut feeling was telling him that we'd be better off as friends. He asked me if I still wanted to meet up with him for lunch that Friday and I agreed.

 

That Friday during lunch, I was pretty much acting somewhat agitated and confused in front of him because I didn't know what to feel and since we haven't seen each other face to face since that Sunday, to me it felt somewhat awkward that now we're just friends (mind you, we were talking every single day since the breakup). He acted somewhat cool and collected, acting as if nothing has happened really, and there were times when I felt slightly uncomfortable since when he was next to me he'd kind of touch me in ways that a friend wouldn't touch another friend, and then when we parted after lunch, he hugged me and said that he'll email and talk to me soon. For the next month or so, we were talking on a daily basis through emails and IMs, not too much through the phone, and twice we planned to hang out, but then each time, on that day, he'd cancel on me as soon as I asked him (but he didn't bother telling me himself first that he wasn't able to go because of some injury he got from martial arts or him being really busy with schoolwork). I got somewhat annoyed since as friends, for us to get to know each other better, I believed that we should at least spend some time face to face, and not just through IMs or emails, especially when our IMs and emails weren't really about anything, just pretty much him updating on what happened to him that day, and when I try talking more about some interesting details of my life or day, he'd have pretty much no response to it. Finally, after not seeing him for a month, and him canceling out on me twice, I got very fed up with the situation and emailed him, telling him that if there was something wrong with what he thought about me as a friend, then he could just tell me, since during our conversations he told me that he thought I was a really interesting girl with great humor and am easy to talk to, or otherwise, we could just cease being friends and just stop all communication since we weren't getting anywhere. He replied, telling me that he was sorry for all the stress that he's caused, and that he's been really busy with schoolwork, didn't mean to cancel out on me, and told me that he'd think it'd be weird if we stop being friends (he told me that he's friends with all his exes and they talk occasionally). I called him after I got that email, and we talked on the phone for 2 hours about what I felt and why he thought our relationship wasn't working out, and that he still had a gut feeling that we were better off as friends, etc. We hung up on the note that we were definitely going to hang out the Saturday after Thanksgiving weekend. That Saturday came and we hung out for pretty much the whole day, him flirting with me the whole time. We had a great time together, just chatting nonstop. He even called me that night, making sure that I met up with my friends after hanging out with him since I was supposed to meet my friends at the train station but they took almost 2 hours to get there (he ended up waiting with me for 45 minutes but had to go home). After that day, he stopped contacting me that often, and he would email me like 3 or 4 times a week, instead of 3-4 times a day, and he stopped going online every day. Each time we talked over email or IM, we would hold like 15 minute conversations and then he had to sign off, or run off and do something else, and gave like one worded answers through IM or one or 2 sentence answers through email. I was really unhappy with where our friendship was going, but before long, just this past Friday, he asked me to go hang out with him, since he was done with all his finals and school, and that he had more time. I thought why not, since we can enjoy each other's company, and up even until late Saturday night, he was asking what movie I wanted to watch. I said that I'm up for anything and didn't mind what we'd watch. On Sunday morning, he was online and IM'd me, but since my internet connection wasn't really working I only talked to him for 2 minutes before I got cut off. I gave him a call right after I got cut off from the internet and asked him if he was still up for hanging out and what our plans were, and he suddenly said that he couldn't hang out anymore because he hurt his foot in martial arts. This came unwarranted since he gave no signs that his foot has been hurting since Friday (and he asked me to go hang out Sunday on Friday night!!! ). I acted as if I was okay with it and told him don't worry about it, and not long after he said that he had to go finish some chores at home and do laundry and stuff, so he had to go but would be available to talk online. After I hung up, I just cried into my pillow and wondered what I've been going through for the past 2 months, with him blowing hot and cold to me. I decided to send him an ultimatum, saying that I didn't want to be his friend anymore, that he's done nothing more than to hurt me, that each time he said that he didn't understand why I was feeling frustrated I said that he knew deep down inside what he was doing to me and was hurting me, that as a friend I don't deserve to be treated this way, that every time we promised we were going to hang out, he blows it off, and the only time that we got together was the time that I threatened to end our friendship, and that I was going to cease all contact with him, including IMs, emails, and phone calls. I wished him good luck in his future endeavors and a final goodbye. This was just this Sunday, and since I sent him that email, I blocked him on facebook, on AIM and MSN, and routed all his emails to the trash can since I can't block them. Since then he hasn't contacted me at all, not even through the phone, and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting or if I'm doing the right thing at all. Oh, and he still has some stuff over at my place - a tie pin, a dvd, and three guide books that I don't know how to return to him since we don't have any mutual friends and I don't have his address so I can ship those items back to him. Let me know what you guys think. Any advice appreciated. Thanks!

 

-whattofeel

[salmagundi]

Hi WTF,

 

I read every word of your post because it made me think of my situation so maybe what I think can be of some help, because I'm playing exactly the same role in my exes life.

 

We fell in love, it was intense, the most intense passion of my life but it was also a little fast after her last breakup and...well...it went all pear shaped about a month ago. From her telling me that I "was constantly in her thoughts" and that I was "son amour" (shes french canadian) we slowly got to her telling me she was unworthy of my love and...thats right...that she "doesnt deserve me."

 

When she told me that the rational part of me went cold and then told my heart it was time to head for the nearest exit. The heart doenst listen though, does it?

 

It sounds to me like we are both allowing ourselves to be manipulated by our ambiguous exes. My ex does the same thing. She wants to be friends within days of dumping me. She contacts me all the time. She flirts with me. She reads passages of her diary to me where she calls me "son ange" (her angel) In short, she keeps me dancing on the end of string, wondering is she wants us back but never taking a decisive step, just keeping things ambiguous, keeping me around.

 

I finally left to go home to the west coast for xmas and now I see that, intentionally or not, shes been manipulating me, taking advantage of my feelings for her, of my inability to be cold enough to drop her and walk away. Thats what you've done and its what you needed to do because he's not respecting you or your feelings anymore than my ex is respecting mine.

 

You dont need to wonder or doubt and you dont need to look back. He's keeping you around for the sake of his own ego. I dont think your feelings enter into the equation. Like me, you continued to make yourself emotionally available to him even after he dumped you, which gives him a lot of power. When he needs to feel good, when he needs to feel he has amourous options even when he doesnt actually want to exercise them, he knows you're there. Good for you for denying him this. I hope I can do the same.

 

good luck, hope this helps, sorry its so long.

[whattofeel]

salmagundi-

 

i can totally relate to your story, and even though i'm treating him coldheartedly now, for some reason i'm still weak-kneed and still think about him every now and then even though i'm still doing NC, going about my own business, and trying to engage in other hobbies and interests in my life. for the past 2 weeks i've been on vacation and was hoping that he'd send some message during xmas or new year's but he didn't, although i can understand why since i told him to back off. i'm pretty happy with myself but i still can't get over him treating me like this and i'm having second thoughts in what i've said to him. what i read in many people's posts regarding NC is just going straight into NC and not even writing a coldhearted email like i did. deep down inside though, i want to start over again as friends, since i didn't get to even know him that well and for that long, and to somehow forget what happened in the past. do you think that it'll work?

 

happy 2006 to us! do you still talk to your ex? i just hope that one day our exes will respect who we really are since we're such great people!

[In Sync]

Hi all, Any advice appreciated. Thanks!

 

-whattofeel

 

 

For me you've gotten emotionally involved with someone primarily through the internet and occassionally you met. Sounds like you invested more of yourself into this interlude than he did. Consider yourself lucky, what else do you know about him and his freinds or family? A relationship does take time to grow and develope and through face -to- face interaction you learn about one another. E-mailing, though fun is no basis to base a solid relationship?

Too soon to be having some guy you barely know sleep over and vice versa and then think he's the real deal? Count your blessings and beware of what loons you can meet on-line!

[whattofeel]

In Sync- well i did get to meet one of his best friends at one point, and he did tell me some things about his family, how his sister and his parents don't get along, since his sister decided to pretty much sever contact with him and his parents and go about doing her own thing. i do agree with you that this whole relationship thing was too rushed, especially since we got together after meeting each other face-to-face 4 days after talking online, but he did tell me at one point that with his previous exes (the first one he was with for 10 months and the 2nd one for over 3 years-they broke up for 6 months before we started going out and he says that it's pretty much that she started liking another guy and they were also doing LTR during that time) he started building a friendship and relationship with them after knowing them for a short period of time. i don't know what to think since i know he's a pretty nice guy and i'd like to get to know him better, even now as friends. i'm so confused as to what to do even though we've been in NC for more than 2 weeks and to me it doesn't seem like he cares even though i severed contact with him! i still don't understand why he would just blow me off after asking me to go hang out with him even the night before! and he always initiated contact with me too.

[In Sync]

i still don't understand why he would just blow me off after asking me to go hang out with him even the night before! and he always initiated contact with me too.

 

All I'm saying is you were extremely fortunate. This guy could have been telling you anything to paint a picture that you wanted to see. Surely you are aware of how many girls /women meet jokers or unscrupulous people on-line. You have to consider the risk you place yourself in with someone on-line. He played on your vulnerability and desire to be with someone. He didn't rob you of money but he certainly exploited your feelings, as you are the one feeling confused. Let this story go. Sometimes a pretty nice guy has dark secrets or hidden sides to them that does not get revealed until later. Maybe he had another girl strung along somewhwere else, or something shaddy he couldn't or didn't want you to know. Not worth your time to think about this dude. Be careful and more discerning..why the rush into a relationship what's wrong with taking your time to know someone?

[whattofeel]

In Sync, thanks for your advice. i really do appreciate it. i do agree with you that i should've been more discerning and gotten to know him better before rushing into a relationship since in that sense everything might've gone a lot better. that's what i usually do- with my first ex i built a solid friendship with him and we were friends for around 6 months before we started going out. i don't know what prompted me to go in headfirst into this relationship with my current ex...i think i was going with the flow of things and it seemed like when we talked online and during the first couple weeks that we saw each other sparks started flying, until things started to slowly come apart. i know that internet based relationships usually don't ring true and many weird and shady things could happen (my friends warned me of this but i thought otherwise, given his situation of wanting a real friend). i guess that he probably has many dark secrets that he couldn't tell me, but i don't know why that the phrase that he didn't want a "phony" friend keeps getting stuck in my mind and i just want to keep thinking that i want to just build a solid friendship again without thinking about relationships and all, but maybe i should take your advice and just let it go. sometimes i wonder if he's still thinking if he still wants to be my friend and all even though i sent him that email about not contacting him anymore.

[In Sync]

In Sync, thanks for your advice. i really do appreciate it. i do agree with you that i should've been more discerning and gotten to know him better before rushing into a relationship since in that sense everything might've gone a lot better. that's what i usually do- with my first ex i built a solid friendship with him and we were friends for around 6 months before we started going out. i don't know what prompted me to go in headfirst into this relationship with my current ex...i think i was going with the flow of things and it seemed like when we talked online and during the first couple weeks that we saw each other sparks started flying, until things started to slowly come apart. i know that internet based relationships usually don't ring true and many weird and shady things could happen (my friends warned me of this but i thought otherwise, given his situation of wanting a real friend). i guess that he probably has many dark secrets that he couldn't tell me, but i don't know why that the phrase that he didn't want a "phony" friend keeps getting stuck in my mind and i just want to keep thinking that i want to just build a solid friendship again without thinking about relationships and all, but maybe i should take your advice and just let it go. sometimes i wonder if he's still thinking if he still wants to be my friend and all even though i sent him that email about not contacting him anymore.

 

Again it's a blessing that he didn't completely come into your life and leave you high and dry in who knows what other way. I'm not trying to scare you, but everyday someone is taken advantage like this. If your friends warned you then I am not the only one who has pointed this out. We all get lonely and want companionship, but in seeking that out, you mustn't throw caution to the wind. In this world there are some who sadly, with a charming smile and the right words can tap into a vulnerable spot in each of us. We have all been con by someone of this nature, some are not so ffortunate. Take this lesson, and learn...not to just open your heart to any knuckle head over the internet or bar or anywhere..even church. You must always take it slow.That's no guarantee either but still, you'll have some control over your judgement. As to losing control because it's all so rushed. Next time keep in mind, a person is what they do not what they say.

[whattofeel]

thank you for your wise words. i am glad that nothing bad came out of this, like you said. now if only i can get past the disappointment and anger i have towards the way he treated me in our so-called relationship and friendship...we still have stuff over at each other's places and i'm just wondering when would be the right time for us to return our stuff to each other. any suggestions?

[In Sync]

You should just forget the things. NC. Don't use getting things as an excuse. You'll be inviting more disappointmet into your life from this guy. Hold your head up high and walk away with dignity from this dude. People all over the world have lost things, in floods, fires, etc. Is it really so important that you need to contact this guy. Can't imagine. What a passport? A bankcard? Birth certifcate? If it's nothing legal forget it and him. Sure you are angry? But what if you had gone out with him for two and three years??ANd he pulled this on you...Walk away. That's the best remedy. Otherwise he will see you as desparate and wonder himself what's with you. If he wanted to contact you..he would. Don't make excuses.

[whattofeel]

I guess you're right, it's nothing too important, just a few guide books, his tie clip, and a dvd. nothing irreplaceable, and if he had wanted to contact me, no matter how i blocked him and all he would definitely find a way. to me since it was so short it kind of came to me as a shock how fast things just turned around and i wanted to just somewhat start over again as friends even though the damage has been done. i guess there's always a first time for things to happen. i'm always hoping for some positive to come out from the negative because you never know, although i know better not to hang around and wait for that to happen. argh!!!

[In Sync]

It's a learning experience...that's how we all get wiser from the bumps and bruises we take in life. Don't beat yourself up...just be careful out there!