NC Hell

[Bubster]

Hi every1

At the start of this month I started NC with my ex, but told her at the time I was giving her space, to figure out what she wanted. After a few days I found myself happy and dealing with the breakup pretty good. She msg’d several times, and finally called me. I answered not knowing it was her and was shocked. The next time I contacted her I msg’d good luck and goodbye, intending on NC forever.

 

This time it was a little harder than the previous attempt NC. I kept thinking how immature and “manly” I was to apply NC without saying goodbye to her face. After several days of this I get a call from her asking if I had called her house, this time I was more pleasant, and at the end of the 20 second call!!!! I say we’ll talk soon!! A few days later I than organize meeting her n told her I had no choice but to say bye.

 

On this meeting I told her that when in NC I’m a lot happier, and when she contacts me it makes it really hard on me, because it makes me think of her, if she’s ok, n how bad I feel because I’m not replying to her msg’s. She than starts saying there is no chance for us n all this crap. But I didn’t ask for her back, I didn’t say I missed her or anything, she was talking about things not relevant, like she doesn’t have a bf, I didn’t ask! I didn’t sit their n nod my head, I just told her to do what she wants to do, n be happy. When I was in NC and stopped replying to her msn’s, she began spending all her money, going out every night, n pretty much she looked tired, and wasn’t happy, but in her words not sad either. She has been with other guys, n this at the time didn’t bother me at all, and she even asked if I was jealous! Now it bothers me because I’m thinking why she is doing this, and that she shouldn’t be doing this to get a reaction from me. She later tells me she won’t contact me anymore, if it helps. After a bit I say bye, wave, smile, and am actually happy to leave her. It felt great!

 

Now I’ve been in NC today being 5 days. This is the longest we’ve been out of touch. This attempt of NC has been hell for me, the whole time. I wake up sweating, n feeling like my mind hasn’t rested in weeks. Getting into contact with her to say bye was the worst thing I could have done. I’m not back to square 1, it’s worse than that. I’ve deleted everything from her, and removed her numbers. Problem is I know it by memory. I’m trying to get into contact with other people but it’s so hard, and because I don’t want to come off desperate. Plus its Christmas soon, I find myself wanting Santa putting my ex gift wrapped under the tree. Since the start of this NC I can’t stop thinking of her. I think about our past, but now mostly about our futures, and conversations in my head. Or I’ll be out somewhere and she’s there with me. I have actually changed in the previous NC attempts, in looks and in wisdom, and she saw this. I actually started accepting that we’ll never be together again.

 

Her friend was there when I was leaving n happened to ask my ex if we were back together, I’m really not sure if I herd correctly. I know she misses me. If we stay in contact it’s really hard on her to. She gets tempted, and confused, n than things get ugly. She understands why we can’t be in contact, but now I regret this choice really bad. I don’t want to break NC and stuff up worse than ever. I’ve actually been planning to see if she contacts me on Christmas, n just replying, but not overreacting! The problem is if she doesn’t contact me. I know for a fact that I’ll msg her Merry Christmas. If I msg Merry Christmas, is that going to be bad?

 

BTW as I type all this I realize some of my mistakes, and it also makes me feel a little better. I guess I’m just looking for comfort, advice, and conformation I’m doing the right thing. Deep down I need NC to work, but it’s not this time. Does it get easier? It’s just getting harder for me.

 

Anyways thanks for reading

[Zetter]

it will get easier. I have the same thoughts as you. I would recommend not msg her at all, even Merry X-mas. Unless you msg Merry Ex-mas. Just a joke. I'm thinking you would do that because you care about her and truly want her to know that. And really you want some kind of response, a Merry X-mas msg back to feed your ego, know she cares, whatever. Now think about a) what if she doesn't msg back? Very painful. b) what if she does msg Merry X-mas back? Moderately painful. c) Do nothing? Painful. I'm choosing C, but Bubster needs to do what Bubster needs you to do.

[Bubster]

ey thanks

i'll take c)do nothing, unless she msg's me. if she does, i promise i wont overeact, n just msg something funny. I know for a fact if i msg merry christmas, she'll reply. i'm actually curious if she'll msg me, but i'll keep myself busy, n enjoy the main reason of the day. the reason i was thinkin of msg'n her is cos i told her not to contact me, i basically told her to leave me alone. So if she wanted to show her feelings for me, or just say merry christmas, i basically told her not to! i'm actually more worried bout new years. thats gonna b a long nyt! oh well i'll try my best n fight the wanting to break NC

[pippen_2k]

Your worrying too much about a simple text message.

 

I recommend turning your phone off over the xmas break, so you wont have to stress over weather or not she will call.

[CaliGuy]

You're putting yourself through a lot of unncessary stress. Stick with no contact. She says she doesn't want you (at least right now) so the worst thing you can do is maintain a connection to her while you are healing.

 

The absolute best thing for you to do right now is stick to NC, work on self-improvement (building your confidence and self-esteem back up), read some books, work out, hang out with friends, invest time in hobbies, etc.

 

It gets better, trust me. I was in the same situation as you and I am much better now. As soon as I realized that I respected myself enough to let her go and work on myself I felt much, much better.

[Bubster]

pippen_2k I have tried turning my phone off, but the problem with that is it eventually goes on, n after that happens, n no msg received, I get this feeling, it’s the worst thing I’ve felt (I’m sure as some of you read this u can relate

). Turning off my phone is actually worse for me. I’m just going to give my phone to my sister-in-law. This way I only get the phone, if someone msg’s or calls me.

 

CaliGuy it’s true I am really stressed, and really lonely. Its been a week!! And I still wake up early in the morning, n feel this really bad emptiness, n remember that she is not a part of my life. I can’t control this. I have tried planning what I’m going to do for the day, it helps abit. About a month ago I started NC with my friend. I’m not going to go into to much detail, but he has threatened and nearly beaten up two girls. I really disrespect guys that hit women, n I’ve told him this. So basically me n my ex had no friends, she lost hers to, because they were spreading crap to me about her. It was just us, n it was fun. She became my friend, n even though things got hard and tempting it was just us. This continued for abit, but their were too many cracks, n not much trust.

 

Now this friend that showed up one day just broke up with her very controlling bf, n she’s always with a new guy because she likes freedom. She’s nice to talk to, but when u hear what she’s does with guys, it makes u sick. When I saw my ex for the last time, she looked and sounded like a much diluted version of her. My institution tells me things are only going to get worse. The last thing I want is to hear about my ex is her getting pregnant again, or is getting beaten up again, or whatever. Yea I’m supposed to get on with my life, but I’m not like that, I can’t turn a blind eye to potential trouble. Yea I even told her this the last time I saw her. I decided when I started NC, that whatever happened to her, she must’ve done something to cause it, and I’m not her dad, so she isn’t my problem. The next contact I want with my ex is a normal how u doing, not a call finding out she’s been in some ****. I know the next time I see her she is going to look different. And I worry it’s not like what everyone else goes through, ‘I just saw my ex, she’s so hot!!’ I wish this is going to be the case for me. When I last saw my ex her looks were going downhill, n she had no ambition for nothing, it was a big turn off. I’m worried the next time I see her more scars will be on parts of her body, or she is still bumming around. I really want her to get places. It’ll annoy me to find out things r crap for her, not make me feel better. Hey I could be just overreacting…

 

Last night I was so close to breaking NC, I was so depressed. She’s lucky because she has made a lot of different new friends. Their all desperate guys, but she has friends. Instead of calling or msg’n, I called an old friend from uni, n caught up. I’ve been trying to talk with old friends, but their all to busy. The reason y I’m thinking of breaking NC on Christmas, is because I want her to know I care, but I don’t want to msg her n feel all this extra crap I’m going to feel, so I’ll just keep myself occupied on the day, n soldier on with NC. So now I have a new friend, n that should help my temptation. I’ll keep you all updated. Thanks for reading, and replying. As for now Merry Christmas to you all!

[Bubster]

I’m such an idiot, last night I got drunk at a crappy pub n called up my ex. it didn’t ring for long. I was shocked she answered so quickly, n I got stunned. She didn’t sound like her usual self, she wasn’t sad but different. I didn’t say a thing. I couldn’t hear her to well n from what I know I called 3 times and msg’ed when I got home that I couldn’t hear her, n I was calling her out of habit. My msg was everywhere; u could tell I was drunk; I’m surprised it sent correctly. I woke up just now n remembered what I did. I deleted her number a week ago so I wouldn’t do something like this, n crap I know it by memory. I screwed up big time. I also deleted her number because I also started thinking that she did the same thing to.

 

I’m not going to do anything from here, not even msg on Christmas, I screwed up badly. I don’t feel bad, like I’m back to square 1, because this whole week I’ve been feeling I’ve made no progress. This whole week, like the title states has been hell for me. I want this girl back, but I don’t know who she is anymore, and I did say things that would piss her off last time we spoke, n they are on my mind.

 

I can’t wait till new years is out of the way; I’ll be able to have a bit more of a social life. My goal next year is to meet people. Nothing else, I just want to meet people, and have these people in my life as friends. I can do without the pains involved in a relationship.

[In Sync]

First of all you were not doing NC, you were doing phone tag with one another and what you got was all this BS back and forth nonsense that screwed up your head. NC ain't suppose to be easy. If it were easy, we'd all have done it, and gotten over our ex's in a week and LS coping forum would cease to exist.

NC is equivalent to a heroin addict going cold turkey. And cold turkey means no hits of any kind of drug. WTF is up with the instant msg... just call a person direct for that matter, but please don't delude yourself into thinking that was NC.

NC is also not a tactic to get her to miss you..it's for you to heal. Detox yourself, and think about you and the good bad ugly of the relationship. Therefore alot of uncomfortable crap will surface that you denied throughout the relationship. Use that information to learn and become stronger.

Sure ...If you like all the head games and drama, drama drama then keep calling her when you are drunk, keep contacting her so she can complain about irrevelant things and then keep feeling like crap when you get together.

Bite the bullet and do NC. It's not easy which is why so many buckle under the pressure and go back to the crap relationships they had rather than face the truth.

[patwheel]

Dude, yeah...N'sync couldnt put in any better way. NC means no contact at all, no emails, no IMs, no texts, no visiting her friendster/myspace/whatever meat market website she is on. It also means not going to where you went with her, go near her place, anything remotely connected to the lost memories of "you two".

 

Why do all that?

First, it works.

Second, the sooner you implement it, the sooner you'll get some perspective, and perspective is what will deliver you from her spell. Once you see that you two were not in that great of a relationship, you'll know more about yourself, and what you want!

 

I was where you were, not being a local, her friends became my friends, and once she was gone, she was meeting new people, and took her friends with her. I was miserable for some time, 2 weeks, and then poof, realized why should I even care for people that can turn off the friendship switch on me?

 

The other thing that I notice is, right now you are still worshipping her! Yeah she might be going out, meeting new people and all that, while you are here ruminating about the break up...how could that happen, right? Well, thats why NC is there to do also, stop thinking about what the ex might be up to.

 

Go out, work out, meet new people, and youll see youll start smiling again! And about the phone situation, give it to a buddy when you go out drinking, and tell him to give it back to you only if you are sober.

 

Good luck to you!

[Bubster]

With this past week I have tried my absolute best to keep NC. I’ve been reading so much on this stuff, and doing all that stuff, working out, and generally trying to look better. I know the results aren’t instant, but being at this time of the year it’s just hard. I even look back at our relationship as a joke. I sometimes see it as her using me to get back in the dating game. I’m the first guy she’s been with for 2 years (baby). What she has told me is this is the hardest break up for her. We did get very close. When we 1st meet she was emotionless, and I pretty much was the same. I never told people how I felt, what I was thinking, you know a normal guy.

 

The reason y I find myself worshipping her is because whenever I take her off the pedestal, which is when I want to most contact her, when I’m angry with her. When I thing about her like the best thing in the world, I find myself working out harder, and wanting to succeed, for her. I become a better person in many aspects. I find myself doing these things, and actually wanting to delay our next encounter. Its just I begin thinking I’m doing these things for the wrong reasons, and for a lost cause. Hence I start getting angry again. When I get angry, I get depressed, I don’t eat, I don’t do anything. I make no progress. Is it healthy for me to worship her, in order to make myself progress?

[travellingman]

Is it healthy for me to worship her, in order to make myself progress?

 

You're having an affair with your brain, because you're building her in your mind to be much better than she really is. I remember breaking up with a girl I really liked and being devastated. Yet after awhile, I realized she wasn't anything special, but somehow in my head I created a person who didn't really exist. But I also broke off a relationship with someone I wasn't totally into because I was moving, and it took much longer to get over than I expected, because I realized she had a lot to offer, even after months of NC.

[In Sync]

Listen it's natural that you want to contact her...We ALL want to contact the X's at the beginning of true NC-ing, so grasped that. No one here who has done it, thought it was a piece of cake.

Yes, it's great that you are doing things, especially working out..but eventually and hopefully the motivation will only be because you want to look and feel good. Because trust me, you will be extremely disappointed if you do anything for her, and you see her in hopes that will change things and surprise it doesn't. (I mean let's get real, the object of her affection could be a complete out of shape donut stuffin' in their face beer guzzling slob..hey you don't know) and there you will be contacting her presenting yourself like a greek god all fit and she still wants dough-boy! How will you feel then?

 

The reason you want to call her when you take her off the pedestal is easy to explain, because as I've been there, someone (thanks bendit) helped me understand what was happening. The closer we get to accepting REALITY of the relationship you have an anxiety panic attack and then you want relief in the form of contacting her. Because you think that will make it go back to the way it in was (reality it wasn't). In effect NC is working because stuff little things (the truth) resurfaces, things you denied denied denied, but you can't handle it and want to fix it by contacting her.

 

It's a rough journey, friend, but if you want to breathe freer, become stronger

with that heart of yours...practice NC faithfully. Meaning leave her life alone and start living yours for you.

[patwheel]

The reason you want to call her when you take her off the pedestal is easy to explain, because as I've been there, someone (thanks bendit) helped me understand what was happening. The closer we get to accepting REALITY of the relationship you have an anxiety panic attack and then you want relief in the form of contacting her. Because you think that will make it go back to the way it in was (reality it wasn't). In effect NC is working because stuff little things (the truth) resurfaces, things you denied denied denied, but you can't handle it and want to fix it by contacting her.

 

I went through that too. I thought I was going crazy. Palpitations, chest pain, the whole shinding. Everytime I would think of my ex, I would get that, and then bawling and crying. Pitiful if you ask me. I just couldnt deal with the fact that she would just abandoned me, and I was nothing. Everything would come at once.

One thread that helped me is Kengne's. She told me that I should think about NOW and ONLY now, like "I am not with her now" but that does not mean never. Slowly, in my head, it started making more sense and calmed me down. Think about it this way, you two are not together now, you are working on yourself, for yourself now. If she comes in the picture later in life then, you will have perspective on who you are, who she is, and what do you two want in a relationship. If it matches, then at that point there might be a future. But as of now, you should not think about why the break up happened, whats gonna happen in the future, or anything. This time is about you and only you, just like for her, the break up was for her, and about her.

 

Another thing, when we're in a relationship and we feel consciously or unconsciously that it's gonna end, we try to do everything that we can to make it better. This includes paying more attention to that person, buying gifts, surprises, trips, anything to spark the fire back. We elevate that person to god-standard, in order for them to see that we are worthy in hope that theyll take us. But the truth is, nothing, no one except the dumpers will change that. Once you realize that, youll see that if you break NC, you will not only lose your dignity, but also any respect that they had for you left.

 

Get yourself pumped up with some unconditional love from your family and youll feel much better! Holiday season is here for that afterall, right?

 

Happy holidays

[bendit]

Listen to In_sync here. I've seen her grow so much and now she is the NC "axe" around these parts. She really knows the value of NC and everyone should listen to what she is saying. Most folks stumble out of the gates when a breakup initially happens and take a while to implement full on NC. They don't understand what just happened and everything is a blur. If a relationship has been at all abusive, and I mean EMOTIONALLY more than physically, there is likely to be some addiction there caused by intermittent reinforcement (push pull). Did you get 90% good stuff in your encounter with X and 10% bad never knowing when it would come? That is intermittent reinforcement and hooks you, believe it or not. I still have rare set backs but firmly resolve to get through with complete NC. But once you've established a base of a few months of NC there is no turning back.

 

NC is essential for healing as quickly as possible. We have to realize that when it is over it is over and prolonging things just puts your life on hold. Read all about NC. NC is da bomb. NC is NO CONTACT of any kind. It may mean changing your email addy and phone number and blocking IM and not checking myspace. It means no contact of any shape kind or form. NONE. No talking to common friends nothing. If you were dumped and your X is calling you he/she is ABUSING you and USING you for him/her own silly needs and drama making. Its TRUE! No two ways about it. Back and forth is selfish and abusive and there is only one purpose. DRAMA. Do NC now for your own good. You will heal your life if you do this and that is a fact.

 

regards

[Bubster]

Ok time for another update!

Firstly I hope you all had a Merry Christmas!

There are so many posts about Christmas blues, it’s so sad to read.

 

Anyways back to me, haha.

Ok it happened; I broke NC again on Christmas Eve! I know I know, why did you do it? I called to get her permission on something. Ok just a little background, previously I mentioned that my old friend threatened two girls, I hope you all figured that was my ex and her friend. My old friend was about to find out several things about his gf, which will put my ex at risk (btw his on steroids, another reason why his like this, and why I don’t want to be his friend). She than msg’d that night to see if he found out, I began typing a msg, but instead called. It’s a complicated situation! And I hope this is making sense to you all.

 

Anyways back to me again! Haha sorry it’s late now… I tell her its all fine, and she is safe. And yes I was getting this information from a mutual friend (also I just found out on steroids, but is having problems with my old mate). She than asks why when I called the night before (drunk) I didn’t talk. I told her it was because I was angry with her, and was lost for words when she answered. I told her I wanted to yell at her. I than say I needed more time (I didn’t say what I needed time for, because frankly I don’t know). I than ask if she is ok and it was nice to hear that she is fine. I then end the call with Merry Christmas.

 

The next morning (Christmas) I got woken by a msg from a m8. I than reply n go back to sleep. Soon after I get woken up again by a msg from her, “Merry Christmas spunk”. The first thing I thought was she has only called me a spunk once before. It was 2 days before we broke up. Her msg didn’t work on me the way she intended; it drew me away from her. After a bit I msg back Merry Christmas. I so wanted to msg something about her family, but I just didn’t think (I needed sleep). My second thought was maybe wrong person, and for some reason I saw her msg out of line.

 

Lately, actually very recently, I’ve woken up twice feeling great. I’m talking to people from ages ago. But now my new hurdle is my parents. It looks like I’m going to have to get full-time work and move out. Right now I really need a social life; my parents hate it when I go out. I normally go out once/twice weekly. But now I can’t stay at home, and dwell over my ex. Right now I’m an expert at FreeCell. Playing computer card games helps a little. I’m also slowly coming to terms that I’ll never stop loving her. It’s always going to be there. I will try to move on, and I do feel like 10% better, but I know for a fact that my/her love won’t go away.

 

This NY I can tell you, is going to be really hard. I hope I’m able to enjoy it, rater than get curious about my ex. But I gotta say I’m so pathetic at NC. I read posts about people with 3,4,5,6 months NC, hell I can’t even do more than a week. To all you guys with all those months of NC under your belt, Congratulations! In Sync you’re right, what I’m doing is not NC. Who knows next weeks excuse for breaking NC could be, “my phone has this feature when its sends msg’s on it own!”

Anyways thanks for reading. I’m starting to get paranoid that some1 I know will read this n than I’m screwed!!

Oh well, I hope you all have a Happy New Year. I’ll keep you all posted