Clone56 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Dude, im ugly as hell but i get laid. Sure u can to
Author Lonely nice guy Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 I know that a lot of my problem is my attitude and confidence. This probably does show with some women I have dated. On a date, including the speed dating, I am as optismistic as possible. But perhaps, these women see me as if I am acting, I have no idea. Honestly though, I am not impressed with annecdotal evidence which states I know this guy who is not attractive and met a gorgeous women, or so and so is obese and got married to a skinny woman. The general statistical trend however is not this way. Studies show that attractive and taller people are more successful and intelligent than people not considered attractive. It has been anthropologically shown that parents give more attention to good looking babies and teachers give more time to good looking students. It's a direct relationship, with exceptions always, but the general and statistical trend. Now here's where I might get myself into trouble. I think I don't fit this trend at all, I am too intelligent for my looks. I was a successful athlete, I am fit, masters degree, play three instruments, well travelled and well spoken. Perhaps when I speak to women / people I am seen as a fraud, "this can't be all true for someone that looks like that." I don't know. I hope I am wrong. Perhaps I'll walk out the door today and meet my future wife and mother of my children. Who knows:)
lindya Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Good looks certainly provide a person with an advantage in life, but they don't provide guarantees - any more than a natural talent for music, languages or art does. Some people are born with a talent that they don't cultivate and work on...so they end up under-achieving in comparison to others who aren't naturally gifted, but who put in the graft required to become more skilled at whatever it is they want to be good at. You've said that you don't fit a trend. There are many people out there who don't fit a particular trend that society has identified they should fit in order to be successful... and who won't allow themselves to be boxed in by statistics that say X is more likely to achieve Y if he has A, B and C.
SmoochieFace Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Perhaps when I speak to women / people I am seen as a fraud, "this can't be all true for someone that looks like that." I say people who judge you in that way aren't worth having in your life. I mean, would you want to be friends with someone who considers you a *fraud* because of some ridiculous idea that you must look a certain way that matches your achievements?
Outcast Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Perhaps when I speak to women / people I am seen as a fraud, "this can't be all true for someone that looks like that." Not really. However if you manage to interject all of these things into your conversation, they might think you're stuck on yourself.
Yamaha Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I have alway's believed that if a woman will talk to me I can have her.. I believe this to be true also, Art Critic. If the women will spend time with you talking then the chances are good she will date you. You just have to have enough confidence in yourself and show her that you are the type of guy she is looking for.
SmoochieFace Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I believe this to be true also, Art Critic. If the women will spend time with you talking then the chances are good she will date you. You just have to have enough confidence in yourself and show her that you are the type of guy she is looking for. I disagree based on my experience. Plenty of women will spend time talking to me but that certainly does not mean that things would go any further than that. And confidence in yourself isn't any guarantee either.
Author Lonely nice guy Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 I have been totally focusing on how I look for too many years. It saps a lot of energy. I don't focus on my looks on a date, I never mention it. I just behave like a gentleman. I try not to think about it, but every morning I look at myself in the mirror and ..... I am getting used to it, but Christmas time doesn't help. I get to spend time with all my relatives, each of whom have families of their own, I am the odd one out, the only one to live alone, the only one without a partner. And I found this website / forum for me to air my dirty laundry, somewhere to check my baggage, an anonymous venting machine. I have dated and been involved with more women in the past 5 years than I had in the previous 20. Most people learn how to date in their teens and early 20's. I am learning how to do it 20 years later. It's hard and I make mistakes. I have been hung up on how I look, and it has shaped my personality, the physical outward appearance has been influenced my personality. For much of that time 20 years ago, I equated an ugly face to an ugly person. I hated myself. Self esteem plays a huge role, and while I am better, there is still room for improvement.
Outcast Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 I disagree based on my experience. Plenty of women will spend time talking to me but that certainly does not mean that things would go any further than that. With all due respect, Smooch, some of that will likely have to do with the AS stuff. You won't notice the signals you're sending that might put people off or at least might not convey the message you'd like it to. It's possible the OP is socially inept; you don't need to have AS to not be able to pick up or act on social cues appropriately. I've heard of 'dating coaches'. Maybe the OP should look one up.
SmoochieFace Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 You won't notice the signals you're sending that might put people off or at least might not convey the message you'd like it to. The other way around applies as well - Aspies have difficulty *reading* signals from other people. Back to topic... sorry for the hijack...
JS17 Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 It's good to vent out the things that really bother you LNG. If this is the place that helps you to do that then keep venting.
Author Lonely nice guy Posted December 21, 2005 Author Posted December 21, 2005 Some people say to me that I'm a great catch, they can't believe I'm not married, they are surprised I haven't been scooped up yet. I figured that being the ugly fish I was always just thrown back into the sea. I now realize that what I was doing was swimming far from anyone's nets, keeping my mouth shut to not catch any bait. And the couple of times a line came my way, I either didn't take the bait, I didn't recognize the bait, or I didn't think I deserved the bait, "this can't be right there's some bait in front of me, it can't be for me though." I am learning to swim in the right part of the sea, but it's taken me a while to find it. And while I know I'll be thrown back a few times here in the crowded part, at least I'll get hooked more often. And perhaps there'll be someone who pulls me right out of the sea and doesn't throw me back, and I don't let them.
SmoochieFace Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 Some people say to me that I'm a great catch, they can't believe I'm not married, they are surprised I haven't been scooped up yet. ... Heard that before... many times. I got so tired of hearing it from women that I started telling them "when are we gonna take that walk then?" Such a lie... I simply quit hearing it.
Weye Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Honestly though, I am not impressed with annecdotal evidence which states I know this guy who is not attractive and met a gorgeous women, or so and so is obese and got married to a skinny woman. The general statistical trend however is not this way. Your obsession with statistics, numbers, charts and graphs is only going to work against you.
mental_traveller Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 Looks are important but they aren't everything. If you have poor looks, then you should do two things - i) improve your appearance as much as you can ii) atract women in other ways then looks. So, whatever looks you have, try to maximise them. Improve your dress sense, work out and develop a trim physique, use a good hairdresser etc. Second, try to meet women in ways that emphasize your relatively stronger points. You mentioned that women who get to know you show more interest. So use interests, hobbies, work, social groups etc to meet women. Develop your own interests, knowledge, conversational skills etc. Work on making yourself a person who women will find more interesting. Third, make sure you're not aiming too high above your level. Unemployed 60 year old former janitors who try to date 20 year old internationally famous supermodels usually won't be very successful. But remember that the majority of people on the planet are only of average looks. If looks mattered so much, they'd never end up meeting anyone! Ugly people get married all the time, sometimes to quite attractive people, so there's no reason why your looks alone should hold you back. Finally, I noticed you saying that you wouldn't find anyone, except maybe a blind woman. Well that's funny - you're moaning about being overlooked based on superficial looks, yet you're overlooking people with an even worse disadvantage. I'm sure blind people have it harder on the dating scene than "ugly" people! What's worse, blindness makes life a real pain in the arse outside the dating scene too. So if you aren't prepared to relate to a blind person on the basis of their personality, why do you expect people to overlook your appearance and focus on the real you inside?
JS17 Posted December 22, 2005 Posted December 22, 2005 the hot gene is attached to the crazy gene....non-professionally speaking of course.
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