itwontdawnsooner Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 to those who have been the DUMPER were you sure when you made the final decision? was it in the heat of the moment, or was it ever during a time when the other person didn't quite expect it (things for them, seemed ok)? 100% sure? do you think youd want to be 100% sure before giving it the axe, or is 75% enough? how long do you wait and see if things get better/if its just a rough patch?
riobikini Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 I wasn't not sure about the possibility of positive FUTURE changes, -that's why I made the decision to break (or put on the brakes) in the first place. If you see a problem and know it needs fixing, you have to realize whether or not YOU are the one who can do the 'fixing'...if not, you have to decide whether or not you can live with it. If you can't live with it and the person responsible for 'fixing' it refuses, -then that's when you make the break. I'll admit, the person who is responsible for 'fixing' something may need your support to do so. But the initial decision and the dedication to the progress he makes is still in HIS court, -not YOURS. Personally, I have always spent many long hours anguishing over the decision to make the break before doing so. I give it every chance I can for it to 'work itself out' or attempt to talk it out before breaking out the 'ax'. I go over all the possibilities, imagine myself living with things as they are, and have even been known to make excuses for awhile, just to delay the break. But eventually, the inevitable happens and the decision has to be made. It's inescapable that the decision is hurtful to both the dumper and the dumpee, -especially in a relationship where true love bonds were formed. The dumper (me, in my own experience), felt so bad about not having the ability to 'fix' the problems all by myself, even though I knew it was not within my means. I felt deep hurt because I was forced to let go of someone I really loved, despite the 'problem'. I felt anger because he wouldn't (or simply hadn't come to the point where he could) make the change(s), even though I would be there for support. I felt a huge part of me being ripped out by the whole thing..and yet, I knew I could not make myself responsible for fixing the whole thing and could not stay in the relationship and sacrifice myself as a martyr for it, as well. To make the decision to break, and get through the healing process, the dumper has to recognize and implement some key criteria, -they are: self-respect, self-knowledge, acceptance of what you can and can't change, and faith that, even though this was a traumatic emotional experience, that it was necessary and that your life is richer, your heart more pliable, your brain more valuable because of the addition of another volume of experiential knowledge...and that the integrity of your future is more sure because of the strength and insight you gain from just having loved someone. Take care. -Rio
Walk Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Rio has some excellent points. I was 80% sure one time, and 100% sure the other time. Not too many experiences being the dumber. The 80% sure was because of other problems, and stresses in my life at the time. I didn't have the emotional, or mental, strength to devote more to the relationship then I already was. So instead of having the relationship hurt my career, or family, or myself, I ended it. The one I was 100% sure of, I busted my ass to make that relationship work. Had communicated my desires, where I felt the problem was, and had tried to find a solution to it in as many different ways as possible. Nothing worked. I ended it, and walked away. (Amazingly enough, he only saw there was a problem when I left )
Author itwontdawnsooner Posted December 20, 2005 Author Posted December 20, 2005 so its not the kind of decision most make just on impulse (minus the things said in the heat of an argument that you go back on later when you cool off) its something to think about and feel out... i just feel like you should be pretty damn sure theres no hope before doing it, i mean, theres regrets even when youre 100% sure arent there? you still miss certain things, because youre not in a relationship for however long you are because its all bad, not usually though, with timing - do you "choose" a time, or do you just do it when it feels right. for instance, do you wait for an argument to make it easier, pick one, or just thrown it out there at a sort of unexpected time, what has your experiences been?
riobikini Posted December 21, 2005 Posted December 21, 2005 To answer your question "When you do know when it's time to end it?" -here are some thoughts on that: I'm going to compare it to a boil. A boil is sign of an infection. One of the things a lay person (not a medical professional) should ever do to a boil is prick it with a pin and let the pus drain out. Why? Because, in it's own natural time, and in most cases, it's going to clear up on it's own...that's why the white blood cells have gathered there (ie the raised bump we call a 'boil'), the WBC's are fighting the infection. Our natural desires to fix the problems that arise in relationships normally can heal the problems in due time. If the problems are too enormous for us, and too deeply seated within our behavior and psyche, we are sometimes, willing to just 'stick the pin into the boil' and let it drain. Wrong! It just makes things worse. Only professionals (nurses, doctors) should prick the boil...(ie therapists should be consulted for those deeper problems in a relationship that we are not, should not, -be in charge of fixing for our partner). Given the time to do so, most problems can heal naturally in a true partnership. But FORCING the problem to come to a head and burst without having gone through the naturally occuring process of evaluation, trying to work with the problem, and sharing discussion about the issue(s), can sometimes lead to nasty experiences and possibly to mountains of regret throughout your own recovery, making it more difficult and increasing the possibility of asking yourself if you did the 'right' thing. Trying to determine just when you need to make the break to save your ownself and turn him loose to work on his own problems and seek his own destiny, is one of the hardest things you will ever do. You may feel weak for doing it.....but there is strength in weakness. Be empowered. -Rio
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