d219040 Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 Ex AP(41F) contacted me after finding out I(41M)got back with ex wife. Should I reply and what should I say? Messy situation need advice/perspective.... Will take any judgement/criticism... I (41M)married to wife(51F)since April 2008(two kids, now 10 and 13). From April 2020 I started an affair with someone i went to school with(41F). Eventually left wife for her in Nov 21, but didn't reveal why. It all went wrong with new partner on January 2023, after a huge drunken bust up where I was very angry and hurtful(not violent). I begged to still give me a chance and help me work through it(i think the whole affair situation contributed to the stress and breakdown). It was really uncharacteristic and in hindsight a bit of a breakdown. She wouldn't take me back but said she'd still consider it im the future. I couldn't take it and reacted badly. She no contacted me and blocked me on everything(i blocked back). I Was disgusted in myself and did alot of therapy. My ex wife was a great friend to me during this time and eventually we reconciled. It was better than ever. I changed all my profile pics to me and wifey and I unblocked ex AP. Out of the blue, ex AP has called me from an unknown number. I hung up at first, out if shock from hearing her voice. Then she blew up my phone and sent an email saying "please can we talk? I promise I won't cause any trouble". I replied, "is everything ok?". She replied , "it's hit me like a tonne of bricks you're back with (wife), I would have appreciated a headsup, I suppose I should stop waiting/hoping/praying. Please can we talk, just to say goodbye?". I don't know what to say, but the thought that she wanted me all this time is hard to believe, but is also f***ing with my head. She darked me out and expected me to return once fixed it seems. But I really REALLY wanted to be with her.What should I say? Very confused Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 17 Share Posted March 17 Depends on whether you want another expensive divorce for cheating yet again with the same woman no less.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author d219040 Posted March 17 Author Share Posted March 17 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Depends on whether you want another expensive divorce for cheating yet again with the same woman no less.. Good point. Actually never got the first divorce completed. But i should be feeling instinctively like I should tell her to get lost. But I'm not. Maybe I rushed getting back with my wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Keira7 Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 I think you should stick with your current relationship. If your ex wife was the one supporting you during all of this, then it is obvious that she truly cares about your mental well being. This other person shut you out after what happened and left you to fend for yourself, it’s clear she only wanted the relationship, and not you. Not to mention, she caused you lots of stress. Who’s not to say it won’t happen again? And if it does happen again will your ex wife be there to support you again after you make her feel awful for the second time? I think you should cherish the loving relationship you have instead of creating more complicated situations. By no means am I telling you what to do, but that is what I advise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 (edited) On 3/17/2024 at 11:54 PM, d219040 said: Ex AP(41F) contacted me after finding out I(41M)got back with ex wife. Should I reply and what should I say? Messy situation need advice/perspective.... Will take any judgement/criticism... I (41M)married to wife(51F)since April 2008(two kids, now 10 and 13). From April 2020 I started an affair with someone i went to school with(41F). Eventually left wife for her in Nov 21, but didn't reveal why. It all went wrong with new partner on January 2023, after a huge drunken bust up where I was very angry and hurtful(not violent). I begged to still give me a chance and help me work through it(i think the whole affair situation contributed to the stress and breakdown). It was really uncharacteristic and in hindsight a bit of a breakdown. She wouldn't take me back but said she'd still consider it im the future. I couldn't take it and reacted badly. She no contacted me and blocked me on everything(i blocked back). I Was disgusted in myself and did alot of therapy. My ex wife was a great friend to me during this time and eventually we reconciled. It was better than ever. I changed all my profile pics to me and wifey and I unblocked ex AP. Out of the blue, ex AP has called me from an unknown number. I hung up at first, out if shock from hearing her voice. Then she blew up my phone and sent an email saying "please can we talk? I promise I won't cause any trouble". I replied, "is everything ok?". She replied , "it's hit me like a tonne of bricks you're back with (wife), I would have appreciated a headsup, I suppose I should stop waiting/hoping/praying. Please can we talk, just to say goodbye?". I don't know what to say, but the thought that she wanted me all this time is hard to believe, but is also f***ing with my head. She darked me out and expected me to return once fixed it seems. But I really REALLY wanted to be with her.What should I say? Very confused Your wife supported you during tough times after you had an affair and left her, forgave you, reconciled with you, and is willing to take you back in spite of what you did? She is a saint. Do you love your wife? Do you regret your past behavior and willing to be a good, faithful husband to your wife henceforth? If yes, then it’s a no-brainer. Block and delete that other woman completely, return to your wife, and treat her like a goddess on a pedestal from now on. Edited March 20 by Gebidozo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 You have to make a choice. Your wife or your AP. You even talking to AP should cause your wife to divorce & never look back. You can't have both. So pick one. Frankly your wife deserves better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 On 3/17/2024 at 4:54 PM, d219040 said: My ex wife was a great friend to me during this time and eventually we reconciled To clarify - does your wife know about the affair, and that you left her to be with this other woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Author d219040 Posted March 21 Author Share Posted March 21 No, she never knew. I considered telling her when we were getting on as friends. Discussed it with therapist. Decided it would serve no purpose and be too hurtful. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 So you have rekindled your marriage based on a lies. You lied by omission never telling your wife that you had an affair. Now you are lying & not telling your wife that she's your second choice -- you want to be with the AP. What a mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author d219040 Posted March 21 Author Share Posted March 21 Not as simple as that but yes. I was convinced this was supposed to happen my wife and I were supposed to get back together. But didn't ever expect AP to contact me or that I feel anything if she did. It's not even about her now. It's about if we did the right thing getting back together so quickly Link to post Share on other sites
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