Amethyst020 Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Here is my story: My husband and I are in a "controlled separation". We both agreed to it (really his idea and his need to figure out what he wants, we have discussed handling finances & custody of our daughter, and we've given a ballpark date for reevaluting...March 2006.) Married = four yrs & been together = eight yrs. When I first met my husband he wasn't very "active" outside the home and I was. I suggested and supported him in taking up old and new sports. Boy it seems to have bit me in the butt too! Since then he has increasingly spent more and more time with his softball & karate. To the point that when he comes home now he is still in "sport mode" and just prefers to watch t.v. or be in the computer than do things with me and/or our daughter. I noticed about two years ago when I was prego with our daughter that he was obsessed about his body. Trying to lose more weight than necessary for karate weigh in's, claimed he was fat (165 and 5'11" and he thought he was fat? uhhh that's pretty skinny. When we met he was 205 and in very good shape with ripped muscles). It was so bad that family & friends were asking if he was anorexic and they weren't teasing. He claimed he needed lipo and was constantly weighing himself and watching what he ate. He was always tired and crabby. Only had enough energy for karate. Made me feel bad about myself at times. After our daughter was born he swore he would cut back on his karate & softball. It worked...for awhile...now he is playing ball 2x week (that doesn't bother me) and karate 2-3+ days/week and monthly year around tournaments and several out of state every year (that bothers me especially since I am NOT invited to go with to his out of state tourneys). I have felt neglected and thought something was wrong. I figured if I left him alone he would come to me with his issue(s). He hasn't. Then I pushed too much to try to work on things he wasn't ready to do. I suspected adultery but he swears up & down that he hasn't. He's been pushing me away. Told me in October that he "loves me but is not in love with me" "is not attracted to me" and "has no desire to have sex with me". I have lost ALL of my weight and more since having my daughter, been taking very good care of myself internally & externally. Self-esteem & confidence are good for me now. So that's not it. I have initiated sex the majority of the time the last year or so and he feels "obligated" he says to do so. He hasn't worn his ring in a few months. Says it bothers him. He's never liked wearing it. We had some bad fights that put us to the edge of "ok we need to separate". He moved out December 1st, 2005. He wants to find out if he'll get that desire back for me. He wants "inner peace" he said and to figure out his issues. We are going to counseling. Communication is getting so much better but that's it. Conversations are good unless we try to talk about issues 'cause he blows up and takes off. He yelled at me this weekend and said "You annoy me, I hate you, that's why I'm leaving! I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you unhappy!" We haven't spoken much since. I'm am getting numb. Ready to throw in the towel. I'm staying because he does go to counseling. He says he has issues he has to deal with. What should I do? What advice is going around? Anyone else dealt with this? I suspect he is depressed for one. He has touched on that subject at times then denies it. He is a non-confrontational person. He walks away more times then dealing with things. Sorry for the novel. I REALLY appreciate that you have read this and ANY & ALL comments/advice/suggestions would be wonderful. Thank you! -Amethyst020 Link to post Share on other sites
trickynj99 Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 amethyst.. for some reason i seem to be a thread killer around here but i will risk it... will you marry me?? hehe.... i am 43 2 kids, i'm the guy but i'm kindof in your shoes..i've agreed to seperate, my wife says she needs space, i dont beleive theirs another man but who knows, we have 2 kids, its awful...its the holidays for crying out loud!!!! i had some issues with anxiety meds and sex issues that led to an extended sexless period and my wife felt neglected by me...she expressed this to me finally and i responded IMMEDIATELY and STOPPED NEGLECTING HER but to no avail..in her mind, too little too late...we went to counseling ..she quit my point is... you are not ALONE in what you are going through!!!....its brutal not knowing, not having control of your marriage ....but based on your post..you get it!! you get that marriage is 2 way, needs to be worked on, if he really doesnt WANT to work on it, then that is his choice and then your choice is to continue to push or not, i have been facing this choice all year...staying with my family...suffering terribly and feeling sorry for myself and my wife and kids!! we are finally splitting the same as you...we're working out the details with the kids and $$, and its about time... so i say hooray for you that you arent wasting time... i would strongly suggest you use this time to try (its hard, i'm not good at it!!) to decide what you are all about, and whether you are sure you want this man back in your life, hope that helps a little...UR not alone... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Are you sure there is no-one else????When guys start worrying about weight and looks out of the blue it's to impress someone other than the wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Yeah, and the not wearing his wedding ring?? That's a biggie!!! There are red flags all over your post. Do a little investigating and I'm afraid you'll find that there is someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
WhoAmI Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 Ya, I hate to tell ya...same boat here. My wife didn't want to "hurt my feelings"...so she didn't tell me that there was OM. It was an EA - that turned into a PA. Heck, I had to "define" dating to her before she admitted to seeing someone (the OM). She later told me, again, she didn't know how to tell me - didn't want to hurt my feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
WhoAmI Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 However, let me say that his willingness to go to counseling is something. At least if he is opening up about the marriage and wanting to work on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Devildog Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 Heck, I had to "define" dating to her before she admitted to seeing someone (the OM). That is a typical thing. My XW didn't think going on an 8 hour motorcylce run with the OM was dating, or going over to his house or having him over to our house when I was gone should be considered dating. I think cheating spouses are the only people that seem to have difficulty in defining the term. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amethyst020 Posted December 22, 2005 Author Share Posted December 22, 2005 Thanks for all the posts. I really appreciate it. I do wonder about OW (one-nights to affairs, if any). Wish I knew the truth. Honestly, I think that his parent's marriage (adultery included in that one) may play a part in his 1) inability to love and 2) skewed view on a how a marriage should be. I believe that I WILL be ok if things "go sour" and that he WILL be losing so much more than he imagines. He lives in this bubble in his apartment right now. Yet the time away gives me space & peace. Although I love him still and "in love", marriage is so much more than what he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amethyst020 Posted December 27, 2005 Author Share Posted December 27, 2005 amethyst.. for some reason i seem to be a thread killer around here but i will risk it... will you marry me?? hehe.... i am 43 2 kids, i'm the guy but i'm kindof in your shoes..i've agreed to seperate, my wife says she needs space, i dont beleive theirs another man but who knows, we have 2 kids, its awful...its the holidays for crying out loud!!!! i had some issues with anxiety meds and sex issues that led to an extended sexless period and my wife felt neglected by me...she expressed this to me finally and i responded IMMEDIATELY and STOPPED NEGLECTING HER but to no avail..in her mind, too little too late...we went to counseling ..she quit my point is... you are not ALONE in what you are going through!!!....its brutal not knowing, not having control of your marriage ....but based on your post..you get it!! you get that marriage is 2 way, needs to be worked on, if he really doesnt WANT to work on it, then that is his choice and then your choice is to continue to push or not, i have been facing this choice all year...staying with my family...suffering terribly and feeling sorry for myself and my wife and kids!! we are finally splitting the same as you...we're working out the details with the kids and $$, and its about time... so i say hooray for you that you arent wasting time... i would strongly suggest you use this time to try (its hard, i'm not good at it!!) to decide what you are all about, and whether you are sure you want this man back in your life, hope that helps a little...UR not alone... trickynj99....what is a thread killer by chance? cannot commit to marrying anyone else while legally & religously still married (just giving you a hard time) ) how are the holidays for you? does she come around the kids AND you. I noticed that my separted husband (let's call him "J") is slowly losing interest in family & our daughter. Not a good sign. But J signals to me that the issues at hand have more to do with him than me. Do you feel that way with your wife? Happy New Year to everyone! -Amethyst020 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Amethyst020 Posted January 8, 2006 Author Share Posted January 8, 2006 Can anyone please answer this or give me your advice? I have this problem of bringing up crap that is part of our marital problems when i drop my daughter off @ my husband's apartment. It is SO hard not to. When do you bring it up? Counseling 1x every other week for an hour is not enough time. I'm so hurt by his lack of affection that has grown over the last year, ignoring me, selfishness, and pushing me out of areas of his life. I've stood by him only to watch him disrespect me and put me down. I wanted him to know that (the above). He gets upset and says "we're seperated right now which means you need to leave". I told him that I was going to file for divorce. I should NOT have told him that. He says he doesn't know if he wants a divorce. His freedom is what he wants right now. Friends say he doesn't want to be married nor have to support a family right now (we have one kid). How sad...He was more mature when we married four years ago then today. When do you draw the line and say "that's it he's not going to change, file and be done with him." HOPE is a strong word I guess. In the eight years we've been together the last 1.5 years he's so different. I told him that I just want the old him back. So do his friends & family... Thanks for your help Link to post Share on other sites
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