Smothering

[kboykb]

First off let me just get out some of the things you should know - she is my first love as I am hers, she is 17 and I'm 20, we're 2 hours long distance, and we've been together for 3 1/2 years. Now then to the real business..

 

Every weekend I go see her I always hear one of the following phrases: "I wanna have your babies", "I can't wait to marry you", "Promise you'll marry me", "Are you gonna marry me baby?". Normally this wouldn't be a problem, but at this age I'm just not prepared for any of these things - and at the age of 17 she seems like she's more than prepared to take them on.

 

She's going to NYU next year (got accepted, I'm very proud of her), and I go to school in Atlanta. I don't think I have the will inside of me to pack up and go all the way to New York with her. I've told her that, so I'm not leading her on.. but she has hope anyway.. Maybe mine will grow.

 

A month ago I tried to break up with her because I didn't feel like my love matched up to hers, I didn't want to go to NY with her, and I didn't want to give her anymore false promises. She fully broke down, saying that she wanted me to come see her so that we could talk it out face to face. I honestly had a project due the next day that I hadn't started on, and going to see her would put me behind by at least 8 hours - so I couldn't go. I told her if she'd just wait one day I'd come.. but she made it out to be some mental disorder and just *had* to see me that day, and that I was putting my work over here. She kept whining more and more.. crying harder and harder .. (I eventually threw and broke my phone, lol).

 

That's the clingy part of her - now for the smothering part of her.

 

This weekend I went to see her on Saturday - we got a room and the day was okay. Sunday I planned to leave at 2 - 2 got there, she got really sad and I ended up staying till 4. 4 got there and sadness - went to 6. Six got there, teary eyes, I ended up staying the night all over again (I'll explain the problem with this soon). Monday I planned to leave at 11 - 11 got there, sadness, finally 1:45 I got to leave. She didn't want me to leave until I absolutely had to. What normal gf wouldn't do this you ask? Let me explain why it's a problem: Smothering!!

 

When we're together she's ALWAYS on me, I feel like I'm trapped. I cherish every moment I get when I'm away from her while I'm there. We were watching a movie and she got up to rewind it, I breathed an air of relief, then she gestured her hand at me saying "baby come here" while she was at the vcr (she wanted me to hold her hand)!! >.< Then it was time for me to go, I went to the bathroom to throw some stuff away, trying to take a little extra time to breathe, then she intruded on me in the bathroom saying "baby come on!" O.O!!! She just needs so much attention, it's crazy. That is what is wrong about the extra time additions, because every time she added more time it drove me crazier and crazier because I knew what would happen. I only see her Sat. and Sunday, sometimes Fri, but it's like I need that Mon - fri off from her to recuperate.. if everyday was like this I don't know how long I'd last..

 

What should I do about this? I'm sorry this got long, I just had to go on this rant, I hate feeling this way..

[NYCmitch25]

I read your post quickly (skimmed it) and it's apparent that she has bigger problems then you could possibly deal with alone. I'm sure at the start of the relationship her doting nature came off cute and made you feel special, but now it's come full circle and you are rightfully feeling distressed about it. I guess you have to decide if she can handle the truth or not. Perhaps including that she is not behaving normally and you feel she needs to seek professional help, and that you can't always be there for her, and she needs to deal with her (what I would guess) PTSD or other insecurity disorder by a professional and you will put things on hold until she seeks help would be a start.

 

Some women become very insecure when they finally fall in "love" but this seems like an extreme case and without knowing her I have no idea where her problems stem from. The longer you drag this out, the worse it's going to get for *you*; and you may want to consider breaking it off in a careful way. Not only that you are unintentionally facilitating her problems by having this relationship. I hate to say this but also be prepared to deal with a 'superficial' suicide attempt by having her campus RA/RD/ emergency support numbers at your finger tips. Perhaps conversing with her parents would be prudent as well... Good luck.

 

ps. I'm not a professional, but I can relate to this situation very well. I can at least understand your pain.. hang in there, you'll def. get though this!

[JadeStar]

Shes 17 and shes acting like it. She "inlove" and thinks the world should revolve around her and her feelings only. You have already stated she is clingy and smothering, I do not think this is something you want for yourself. You have tried to break things off with her, and she pulls out all the stops for the pity party, which makes you feel bad, and you then stay.

 

You also said she keeps asking you about getting married and having babies etc, and that she seems more prepared in that area than you. No shes not. Shes just saying this because her head is stuck way up in the clouds. WE have all pretty much been there at that age. You're probably just going to have to break up with her, and yes it will break her heart and yours as well. However, the key is, not to let her get to you with the crying, begging and pleading routine.

 

Thats great that she was accepted to NYU, and she needs to be focused on her school, not getting married and having babies right now. Clingyness and smothering isn't healthy, and I know shes only 17 and at some point will hopefully grow out of that. Right now, you both are not on the same page, and she will have to learn to get over things with time. I know you don't want to hurt her, but sometimes, its what we have to do. If you want out, then do it and get it over with. Good luck.

 

 

Jade

[JayKay]

Ugh

 

I dated a smotherer too, years ago.

 

The first week we started dating, he called me every single day. Sometimes three or four times a day. I could barely go to the bathroom myself when he was over my house. If I even mentioned that I needed to go buy something (new towels, an ironing board) he'd run out and get it for me.

 

When I told him I was having some financial issues, he suggested I move in with him to save money.

 

This was after TWO WEEKS of dating.

 

I knew right away he was a bit much. I broke it off after a month, but then...stupid me...didn't listen to my instincts and went back.

 

Within another two months he not only wanted me to move in with him but for us to get engaged as well.

 

He wanted to start looking at rings.

 

He started calling my family members to discuss any problems we were having in the relationship. He'd call my friends too. Pretty soon, I had no private life whatsoever. He'd insinuated himself into every facet of my life.

 

I couldn't go anywhere without him popping up, just to 'check in'. He'd show up at my job, when I'd go out to lunch with the girls. I sometimes felt paranoid and wondered if he had me followed.

 

We finally had a huge blowout and I broke it off with him.

 

It took another year to really shake him off -- he continued to call and show up places where I was. He really wouldn't take no for an answer. He was convinced we were 'soulmates'

 

Smotherers have huge insecurity and abandonment issues that YOU CANNOT FIX on your own. THe more you give, the more they want. Rather than becoming reassured, they latch onto you like emotional vampires and drain you of all your energy.

 

A lot of their behavior is NOT about love. It's about neediness and dependancy.

 

I'd get out of this relationship. She needs to grow up and learn to stand on her own two feet. Unless you want to be the Daddy all your life