kanga Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 I've just started exclusively dating someone who I've been friends with for about a year. I'm a fairly independent person. Even in past relationships, I've been very big on doing my own thing if I had too. So I'm a little unsure about how behave regarding things we do together or alone. Here's the situation: My friends and I wanted to go on a ski trip. The boy couldn't go. So we all went anyway. After the fact, he told me that he was unhappy because I should assume that whatever I do, that he wants to go do to so he can be with me. Ahhh...OK. So we were in the works of planning a future trip. And again, he can't go. So I'm furious because I made sure to find a weekend that would work for him. I told him I was going to go anyway, and I told him that I don't care who I ski with or where I ski or if I even have to go alone. I love skiing, and I like to do as much as I can. (I'm not very close to a mountain anymore, so that means maybe twice a month in the winter.) That kinda set him off. He said I don't need to ask his permission to do things, but I should be at a place where I just don't want to go if he can't go. I just don't see it that way. At least not right now. I don't want us to become a single person. If he's not into something that I do, I'm not going to force him to join me. But I also don't want to stop my interests. Am I totally off base? Am I not compromising? (He said one day I'll have to learn how to do it.) Help!
LN8840K Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 what words come to mind when I read this post ? CONTROL FREAK SUFFOCATION GUILT TRIPS MANIPULATION FUTURE STALKER END OF RELATIONSHIP COMING SOON
Author kanga Posted December 20, 2005 Author Posted December 20, 2005 oooooo OK Not the response I expected. But at least that let's me know I'm not totally off base. Can anyone vouch for his side?
LN8840K Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 is this the response you wanted. you're a complete ass for not giving up the things you love because it does not jive with your man child's schedule and tastes ..what kind of woman are you .. I just can't believe you would be so selfish he sounds like a child
Author kanga Posted December 20, 2005 Author Posted December 20, 2005 no no no. your first response is just fine. i'm just trying to see it from his point of view, if there is one. i was stunned and shocked when he said some of the things he did. he gave me this lecture about compromise and the importance of it in a relationship, and i was beginning to think that it was me -- that maybe i was the one who wasn't acting girlfriend-y enough. so that's why i'm asking here.
johan Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 That kinda set him off. He said I don't need to ask his permission to do things, but I should be at a place where I just don't want to go if he can't go. I just don't see it that way. At least not right now. I don't want us to become a single person. If he's not into something that I do, I'm not going to force him to join me. But I also don't want to stop my interests. Am I totally off base? Am I not compromising? (He said one day I'll have to learn how to do it.) Help! I understand how he feels, I think. He want you to be in love with him. His approach is wrong though. Everyone loves different ways, but most of the time when I'm really in love with someone then they are my best friend and being away from them sucks. And if there is something fun going on, then I tend to prefer to have them around to enjoy it with me. If I can do anything to make that happen, I will. He's upset because you don't feel that way. You don't really need him around in order to enjoy yourself. If there is something fun going on, you don't much care whether he's there or not. Fine if he can be, fine if he can't. Nothing wrong with that. He just needs to realize that he can't demand that you love him that way. If you don't, then there isn't anything he can do about it. Complaining and scolding won't do it. He'd be better off just facing it and deciding to stick around until he finds out how deep your feelings actually are and what you're capable of. 1
mini696 Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 He's trying to control you. Go ahead and do you own thing, obviously try and include him but dont go over the top. He's giving you a guilt trip, and I can tell its working because you are worried about it. This guy is putting up red flags all over the place.
LN8840K Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Mini is right ...its about control ......first it's your ski trips, then it's your friends, then it's your family. this is an abusive situation waiting to happen .....
johan Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 You guys are too willing to crucify the poor guy. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. It's not about control. At least I don't see all the required evidence. Maybe he will turn out to be controlling. But right now I'm more willing to go with the idea that he's confused. And maybe he's not a great communicator. No sin there.
LN8840K Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 " That kinda set him off. He said I don't need to ask his permission to do things, but I should be at a place where I just don't want to go if he can't go." It set him off .... who is he to get set off about her wanting to do something He said I don't need to ask his permission to do things ...wow what a guy she does not need his permission to do things but I should be at a place where I just don't want to go if he can't go..... when does it stop when she's completely isolated from her friends and family ? the benefit of the doubt has burned far more people than playing it safe when it comes to abusive situations
johan Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 " It set him off .... who is he to get set off about her wanting to do something What do you imagine "set off" means in this situation? What actually happened? Describe the conversation, please. And then tell me, are you always completely rational and perfectly able to express yourself? "He said I don't need to ask his permission to do things ...wow what a guy she does not need his permission to do things Would you prefer he said the opposite? I've heard people make lame statements like this. You aren't convincing me. but I should be at a place where I just don't want to go if he can't go..... "when does it stop when she's completely isolated from her friends and family ? Where did you get that? You go from the guy wondering why she's so willing and able to leave him home to complete isolation? Is this how you operate in your own relationships? Everything is taken to its ludicrous extreme? "the benefit of the doubt has burned far more people than playing it safe when it comes to abusive situations So you're an advocate of overreacting as a better way to go? Yes, you have me convinced. At the first sign of emotion and inability to communicate from my next girlfriend, I'm calling the cops. I'm not saying there's nothing wrong here. I'm just saying that poisoning the relationship with "controlling" and "abusive" labels doesn't help when someone is trying to figure out what's going on. Maybe you'll turn out to be right. You don't have the evidence to back it right now. The best that can be said is these are two people who haven't reached agreement on how to love each other.
LN8840K Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 " So you're an advocate of overreacting as a better way to go " I would say the signs clearly point to a controlling relationship here with evidence of guilt trips and manipulation, do you really think these will decrease with time ? when a train is coming down the track, you can hear the whistles and the engine, but can't see it due to fog, are you going to wait for the train to hit you before you believe it's really a train or would you " overreact " and get off the tracks before it hits you ?
johan Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 when a train is coming down the track, you can hear the whistles and the engine, but can't see it due to fog, are you going to wait for the train to hit you before you believe it's really a train or would you " overreact " and get off the tracks before it hits you ? When you go to the doctor complaining that your chest hurts, will you feel safe and secure when he immediately signs you up for a heart transplant? Would you hope he had all the facts completely straight beforehand? You DID have the pain after all. You don't have all the facts. All you have is an emotional guy, disappointed to not see her express love like he expects, so far not capable of dealing with it. Not GREAT signs, but hardly the complete picture of an abusive control-freak.
LN8840K Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Johan : I can spit farther than you can < laughing >
johan Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Johan : I can spit farther than you can < laughing > Yet more evidence of how willing you are to draw conclusions without knowing all the facts.
magda Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Johan brings some good points. You should discuss this with your bf again and see if he becomes more receptive to where you are coming from.
Author kanga Posted December 20, 2005 Author Posted December 20, 2005 Wow. lots of responses. This whole thing happened over a phone call. When I said set him off, I mean that's when he started taking this one ski trip incident (which I really didn't think was a big deal at all.) and putting it into a larger picture about a relationship. He wasn't yelling. I'm not disputing red flags. I've heard tales of how abusive relationships sometimes unfold over the course of years. As I said, his response totally shocked me because while we were friends, me just doing my own thing was never disputed. He said he thinks I've haven't yet adjusted to us going from friends to bf/gf. I thought we were great as friends so I don't really get what adjustment needs to take place, except that we now see each other about 3 or 4 times a week instead of just two. A little more of sharing of hopes, dreams, gushy stuff, etc. I see friends around me who shut out their friends once a bf appears on scene. Suddenly, it's no longer he and she. It's always we and us. "We" are going to a party. "We" are shopping for gifts. "We" don't like to ski so "we" aren't going. UGH. I'm not a we. So my friend is having a going-away party. He doesn't want to go. I said I'd help plan it. Obviously, I want him to be there. Is the best thing to do to just tell him, "I understand you think the party will be boring, but I'd really like to have you there with me"? It feels so uncomfortable to say that. (He's like the anti-boy -- he is 100 percent able to share his emotions. I'm 65 percent unable).
Sevenmack Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 There is nothing wrong with doing your own thing. Just because two people get together doesn't mean you stop existing as a separate human being. And he needs to understand that. If he can't manage to spare any time to go skiing with you -- an activity that is important to you -- then why should he expect you not to go without him? If he cares about the relationship, then he would have made time instead of whining like a little b---h. Actually, that's insulting to b---hes because I've never seen one whine. Anyway, you need to set some ground rules for him; that's the best way to stop him from trying to control your life. More importantly, there must be consequences for him breaking those ground rules; keep trying to keep you away from skiing and he's gone. Period. And he should go to the party; if he wants to spend time with you, this is the time to stop whining and do it. If he can't get that, then he should be gone. In turn, you offer him a carrot; perhaps let him go out on a boy's night out -- if he has friends; if he doesn't, dump him because that's just a bad sign if no other male wants him around -- or go with him to some event he enjoys. Hope it goes better from here.
Author kanga Posted December 20, 2005 Author Posted December 20, 2005 Thanks for all the responses and varied opinions. I'm not ready to call it quits. I hope this is an overreaction by me and something that can be resolved. Despite the varied degrees of your reactions -- you all agree that I shouldn't have to give up what I enjoy at his whim. I knew that. I'd say the same thing to anyone else posing this situation. So I guess I'll just have to see what happens next. Thanks.
Outcast Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 LN8840K you are 'way off base. The guy hasn't done anything wrong. Read stuff by Willard Harley. People in relationships have different needs to different degrees. Some people have a very strong 'companionship need'; meaning they want to be constant companions with their partners. Others, like the OP, don't. This can be a deal-breaker but it's NOT a sign of a controlling personality on its own. Nothing the OP said gave any indication of any 'controlling' tendencies. It's LN8840K who has overreacted and then some.
Author kanga Posted December 20, 2005 Author Posted December 20, 2005 It has been awhile since I've been in a serious relationship (three years or so). We make jokes about how I'm a little rusty. So maybe I'm just too comfortable right now with taking off and doing whatever. But still -- I am so not ready to immediately be known as a "we."
Craig Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Doing your own thing in addition to doing things as a couple is a good thing. Maybe your bf hasn't learned that there are 3 "people" in any relationship. You, him and you and him together.
itwontdawnsooner Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 "That kinda set him off. He said I don't need to ask his permission to do things, but I should be at a place where I just don't want to go if he can't go" ehh. guilt trips, neediness. what most said here is true. although it doesnt mean its a precursor to an abusive relationship, for you it may become emotionally abusive as youre guilty about going out when you should never feel guilt for that - if you are making time for both of you to have alone time, then thats what you should be doing the whole "you should know" thing is unfair, ive been there (in your position, but reversed im the guy who wants independence, the girl wanted all time), and the only thing to do is assert you need to do what you need to do and if it has to be said so plainly: i need this, and you need to respect it, and if he doesnt make the effort. BYE! you cant be controlled and if your style isnt 24/7 companionship (ie, you are your own person), then move on because itll probably get worse
Moai Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 The fact that he wouldn't want you to go enjoy yourself when he is unable or unwilling to go is selfish and way too emotionally needy. I agree with those who say this a huge red flag. It is only going to get worse, too. If you start to accomodate his needs he will become more and more demanding of your time like this until you'll wake up one day wondering where "you" went.
Recommended Posts