archbean Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 i tried posting something similar elsewhere here, but i think i let my emotions get in the way to much and i still don't know what i should do.... sorry this is so long, i tried to make it brief, but that didn't happen To summarize: -I'm not a very open person. I have shells that I've built up since before I can remember. I don't know who I am under all of them, but on the very surface I'm a loner, unafraid, tough and thickskinned, a very "don't touch me" kind of person. Underneath that, I really do care about people, but I don't know if anyone actually cares about me, so I tend to stand back from relationships of all kinds. -I get about 15 hours of sleep a week, because I have so much schoolwork to do, most of which is for my major, architecture. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm doing, but I just don't get enough sleep to be able to deal with the rest of this. When I refer to a "nap", I mean not in addition to regular sleep, I mean the only sleep I get. -For as long as I know, I've had issues with my parents. They don't seem to be able to leave me in peace for more than an hour without some problem showing up. It seems like no matter what I do, I've always done something wrong, and I can never be the person they want, no matter how hard I try. I've given up trying to be who they want me to be, and I just do what I know I need to, and pretend everything's alright. If they, my mother especially, want the truth, they won't believe that what I say is true until I give in and say what they thought was the truth to begin with. They don't trust me, and they believe that what I think and feel isn't valid unless it agrees with what they think I should think and feel. -The only person I've let myself love happens to be gay. I happen to be a girl. I started falling for him before I knew he was gay, and after he told me, I tried, but I couldn't just change my feelings like that, and I still can't, although I have been trying to ignore them as best as I can. -This same person also happens to be the person I trust most, but even he I don't trust completely. For me to completely trust someone, I need to be sure that they really do care about me, and aren't just pretending or being a "pity friend"; that they trust me, or at least believe that what I say about my thoughts and feelings is true, that what I say is worth listening to; that they won't get scared off by who I really am, because even I don't know, and I don't want to be abandoned with only myself for company, because I'm not very good company for myself; I have to truely care about them. It's really hard to find anyone to even vaguely be someone I could trust at all. -I don't know if I'm going to be able to afford to complete college, because my family can't afford to help me financially, and I'm having a hard time working and getting my architecture work done, and still having time to get a short nap in here and there. -Everything I do wrong doesn't get erased from my memory. It all just plays on repeat through my head, and I can't seem to forgive myself for anything, no matter how small. I still remember things I did in kindergarten thirteen years ago, and all I can think of is what an idiot I am. When I write it down in bits and pieces like that, not all at once, and take out everyting that isn't directly a cause or effect of how I feel, it feels like I'm missing a big part of the problem--how I feel. So, calmly and rationally, here it is. -I feel like I'm something foul that doesn't even deserve to live or love. Every time I have something good, I do something that destroys it, whether intentionally, directly, or more often otherwise. The bad seems to occur more often than the good, and the happiness I'm sure I used to feel so much is a rare thing now, and quickly overpowered by something I do wrong again. I feel like I will never be a success, that nothing I plan will go right, and nothing I don't plan will even happen if it would be a good thing. I doubt I will ever find happiness for more than a short while, and love is one of those things that I wish on stars for, because it sure isn't going to happen either. I can never seem to figure out who really cares and who's just a charade, here for some other reason. I don't trust much, and I'm rarely if ever trusted. It seems like everything everyone says is interpreted several different ways in my head, literally, as a joke, as something nice, as something cruel, etc, and I don't know how it was meant. I hope for the best, I expect the worst, and I prepare to be shut out at any moment. I feel like my destiny is to fail at almost everything I try to do, and my purpose is to take all the bad things that happen and just shut up and deal with them on my own, and people will be none the wiser as to what's really going on in my life. Frankly, I rather hate myself. What I need to know, and what I can't seem to decide for myself, is whether or not I should talk to my friend about this, since he had been encouraging me to do that. I started to, but it ended up being to much for me to handle at the time, so I stopped, at least for now. That isn't working for me now either, and I don't know what to do. Should I let my friend try to help me, or continue to hide whatever monster is inside me?
Becoming Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 The monster can't be hidden forever. It just grows in the closets and basements we keep trying to put it in and forget about only to burst out more forcefully. You are a prime candidate for counselling. It sounds like you might also have a medical condition like social anxiety or something I'm not qualified to diagnose. You should have access to this free on campus, and I'd make an appointment today to see someone at your counselling center. The self-loathing that you describe is particularly troublesome because it's destroying a beautiful, sensitive soul who has much to offer the world. It sounds like it's no wonder you built a wall up around yourself, like you were trying to protect yourself from overbearing parents? You might want to take a look at the book Emotional Incest. It might apply to your situation. Now the problem is that the walls you built to keep your parents at bay have ended up imprisoning you. But you still have the capacity to let down the drawbridge and trust those you deem worthy to enter into your reality. You've already identified someone you can trust enough to let your guard down a bit. You've already posted here. Good for you! You've already started letting that drawbridge down. Your friend may not know how to respond to what you have to say, and that may cause you pain so that you'll end up beating yourself up with self-recrimination. What are you expecting from him? What happens if he doesn't respond in the way you want because he might be hungry, tired, overwhelmed, or unable for a host of other reaons? Instead of dumping the whole lot on him, let a few things out at a time, or try to wrap it all up into one thing you really want to divulge that is the heart of it all. Good luck, but seriously, make that call to see someone. They can help you in ways well-meaning folks like me can't. Do you still live at home while working on your degree? If money is an issue, you can take a year off and just work. Talk to your advisor and/or dean to see what they suggest.
Painwraith Posted December 20, 2005 Posted December 20, 2005 Ok Firstly You are caught in an emotional cycle of self doubt, beating yourself up over things and allowing all those things that you percieve as being wrong replay in your head until they cause you to think less of yourself. Secondly You seem to have trust issues on several different levels, however the root cause I can see from your post without meeting you is that you do not trust yourself to make any decisions, and when you do you question them until ultimately you destroy them. Thirdly You are compensating for your lack of self worth by falling for the one thing that is unattainable, the friend you have is obviously special and trustworthy, he should be a linchpin for you to resolve these issues with, mainly because he does not have any designs on you other than to be your friend. Now dont worry you love him, I love all my friends, male and female. Resolutions: I RECOMMEND PROFFESIONAL HELP ALWAYS But try this: Ok first of all you need to break your cycle of mistrust and need to calm yourself down so that you can look at your life from a calm and collective perspective. I good method for you is to relate your life in your mind to your architecture. grab a ruler, big sheet of paper and a pencil. In any building you have a foundation, structure and finished product, think about where you are now, what your building looks like at this present time. draw it. Probably doesnt look too good does it? Ok so if you have a crap building what do you do? tear it down and start again from the foundation up. Now pull out a fresh piece of paper. As an excercise think about what values you hold the most to, what in your moral and ethical areas do you hold as the most valuable. These can be not hurting others that dont deserve it, Trusting yourself to make the right decidion or just about anything. write them down or make a nice building blueprint so your mind can relate to it. (it sounds odd but try it). Now look at the foundation, that is your beginnings, the cement and steel to how you ultimately want to be, allow room for expansion in the future though, we are growing all the time. Now we need a structure, a framework as to what ultimately the building will look like, build this with your desires and wants, like for instance Married with children, a house, yearly holidays, friends, two dogs, ten cats and a small mouse or something.... So now you have your framework. at the moment your building looks like a foundation, and a big metal construct on top with no filling. you have your morals and ethics outlined, you have your wants and needs laid out before you. Now look at yourself and what situation you are in. where do you need to make changes or what do you need to cut away in order to move toward filling in the bricks and morter to link up the structures within your building? Ok first of all you have a friend, a great start, he can link up a few bits, say one of the areas in the building is for friends? ok there is already some bricks there, time to build. Go out meet his friends, and feel more confident, you dont have to give out any info about yourself to them just go out have a drink and a laugh and build the relationships with his friends, tread carefully and you will see quickly that the friends part of your building is becoming a proper put of the structure, now you can see this will be extending into other areas. Over time your building will look more and more complete. I guess all I am saying is know who you want to be, once this is done you must work to becoming that person, its a long road but you can do it honey. we will be there to help you and pick you up when you fall over, just call.
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